Americans care THIS much about Hung's Australian parliament.

By Neville Cole

I know, I know… I’ve been away too long. I could give you a laundry list of excuses; but you’ve heard them all before. I’d rather let bygones be bygones and move on. Especially as I hardly ever get to use the word bygones anymore. Anyway, good Pig’s Arms patrons, it’s not like I haven’t been thinking of you. I’ve got a dozen postings bouncing around my skull, I just haven’t managed to put finger to keyboard and get them out of my head yet.

All that said, as the Pig’s Arms unofficial North American correspondent, I’ve feel it incumbent on me to relay news of the US reaction to the recent Aussie elections. How do I say this gracefully? Oh heck, I’ll just get right to the point: American’s don’t give a damn. You see, the vast majority of Americans are too focused on important issues close to home to care either way what happens down under. In fact, most Americans are probably pretty certain that Australia is a monarchy. I know, it’s a sad state of affairs. I mean, what hope is there for you, Australia, if you can’t capture the American public’s attention even when you throw a too-close-to-call election between a fiesty, unmarried woman and a guy who campaigns in his speedos? You may want to think about electing a porn star next time, it worked wonders for Italy a few years back.

This is not to say that American’s are not politically aware, it’s just that Australian politics is not a hot button issue in the land of the red, white and blue.

Here people have other concerns. For instance, at the moment a growing number of Americans are once again debating whether or not President Obama is a Muslim. Rumors have lingered since Obama’s infamous visit to Kenya in 2006; but the photo of a turbaned Obama was re-printed in the National Enquirer last week and the omnipresent supermarket checkout visibility of the infamous rag has added fuel to the fire. By now all America has seen damming photographic evidence of his Obama’s Muslimhood. The photo, combined with Obama’s flimsy excuse for not being photographed going to a Christian church every Sunday (supposedly he and Michelle have not chosen a place of worship in Washington D.C yet) has Americans glued to their right-wing radio shows.

Last week, Obama floated another excuse in an attempt to make this polarizing issue go away. In US magazine, Obama claimed that Michelle and he are concerned that their attendance at a local Sunday ceremony would detract from the religious experience of the congregation. A likely story at best. Obama clearly has recognized this story wont cut it with the American people. It was no surprise to me when I saw that Obama and Michelle dutifully turned up at a church in New Orleans this past Sunday for a convenient photo op.

Another issue Americans care deeply about is whether their president is an American. According to several FOX news sources, Obama is from Kenya. The persistent “birther” movement is demanding that Obama present his birth certificate for general inspection and DNA testing. A frustrated Obama snapped to the press last week: “I can’t walk around with my birth certificate taped to my forehead.” Of course, were I in Obama’s inner circle I might advise the President that he not dismiss the idea outright. He could, for instance, casually wear his birth certificate on his head the next time he attends church and kill two birds with the one stone. Just a thought Mr. President…and, you’re welcome.

The estimated 87,000 American who care most about both of these issues turned out last week on the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King March on Washington to listen to radio deejay Glenn Beck outline his 12 Step Plan for American Renewal. Beck began by announcing “Hello, I’m Glenn and I’m a raving right wing nut job.”  To which the entire 87,000 replied in unison, “Hi Glenn.”

Anyway, Beck’s rally and speech (held a respectful 2 or 3 steps below where King stood) informed Americans that in order to save their country they must get on their knees and pray in front of their children. Take that rising unemployment! Take that devastated housing market. Beware environmental disasters! Are you ready for a quick turnaround slumping financial markets? Look out endless war, Glenn Beck is gunning for you!

Naturally, there are a few Americans who aren’t focused on any of these issues. You can find many of them all this weekend at Burning Man in Black Rock City, Nevada dancing around in body paint, playing bongos, and setting fire to an enormous erection of some kind.

The remaining Americans you’ll easily track down at one of the literally millions of Fantasy Football Draft Parties being held across the country this week. They don’t care about anything else but who will help them win their Fantasy League Championship this year. This is serious stuff. In fact, for the first time this year, more people care about who scores the most fantasy points than which teams actually win the games.

So which group most closely represents America. Is it the tea baggers? The birthers? Is it Glenn Beck and his 87,000? Is it the Burning Man hippie freaks or the multi-million strong fantasy football nerds? My guess is it’s very much like the Australian election… too close to call.

That’s the Update from America. Good luck with your Hung Parliament, Australia. I’m off to Nevada to get on my knees and pray…I’m also thinking of taking Chris Johnson with my first pick in the draft.