By Big M

The following morning Geoffrey and Morticia were back in the clinic. Morticia was sheepish after yesterday, what with Geoffrey having to pay a sixty dollar cleaning fee to the taxi driver, plus the cost of dry cleaning his suit, plus the fact that he would probably never get the smell of vomit out of his shoes. Geoffrey was more disappointed, than anything. His virginity was still very much intact, but he didn’t have much time to dwell on it, as he was running the General Medicine Clinics, which really only involved ushering patients to and from clinic rooms, performing the occasional blood pressure or urinalysis, and basically trying to keep people calm, in spite of the clinics running two hours behind their advertised schedule. He was wandering past the Colonoscopy Room when he heard the dulcet tones of his inamorata. “Bit of help in here?”

Geoffrey rushed into the room. “Yes, my love.” He looked around to see Morticia hand ventilating a patient, who was clearly not breathing.

“Don’t just stand there, give him some Naloxone!”

“Yes, my love. Where will I find that my love?”

“In the bloody Emergency Trolley, filed under ‘N’” Morticia continued with the ventilation.

“Don’t you want me to jump on his chest?” Geoffrey thought that this sounded like the right thing to do.

“Just give some bloody Naloxone!” Roared Doctor Baxter, the Gastroenterologist, from the other end of the patient.

Geoffrey managed to find the drug and administer it correctly, which was quite a feat, for Geoffrey, then got ready to perform cardiac compressions. “What the hell are you doing, son?” Yelled Uva Kent, from the doorway. The patient groaned, as the medication had started to work. Morticia stopped her resuscitative efforts and the colonoscope was extracted from the gentleman’s nether regions.

“Ah, Sister Kent, this young lady has done a terrific job with this chap who became narcotised during a ‘scope, unfortunately, her male colleague was much less effective.” Doctor Baxter and Morticia turned the patient onto his side.

“Mister Riley, I’ll be seeing you in my office at three, and Doctor Baxter, you need to review your medication doses. I assume your keeping the patient here, for observation? Morticia will do that, and I will send an RN from the medical ward to help.” Uva turned on her heal to find herself face to face with Doctor James. “Ah, Doctor James, just been having a little chat with your lad, seems he needs some remedial education on resuscitation!”

“Well, er, ahh, He’s not, my lad, as I’ve pointed out to you before.” James was red in the face. “He may benefit from some extra education, so we’ll send him to the College of Nursing, Advanced Resuscitation Course, which, by the way, is run by a very good friend. We can give Mister Riley some financial support from the Nurses Scholarship Fund.” James turned and marched away before there could be any discussion. He had important business, letters to dictate, and a presentation on his PENIS to practice. He could end up practicing with his PENIS for the rest of the day.

Uva took one last look around the room, pausing to scowl at Geoffrey, then rushed away to more important matters, a smoke and a chat with Tess, which is where she was originally headed.

Sister Kent was surprised to find Tess was already sitting out on a low grassy hill overlooking the helicopter pad. A chopper had landed with the rotors still slowly turning. The distinct smell of burnt kerosene wafted over them from above, whilst the earthy scent of freshly mown grass rose from under their feet. A gaggle of wardsmen waited, wearing oversized earmuffs and sunglasses, which made them look like aliens. Uva pulled a Camel from her top pocket, thrusting it into the corner of her mouth, and then started the ritual of patting every pocket in order to locate a lighter. She’d just done a second circuit of pockets when Tess proffered an old, gold plated, antique Hurricane lighter. “I know, I don’t smoke anymore, but it was Dad’s.” Uva accepted the light. Drawing the smoke deep into her chest, savouring it for as long as her emphysematous lungs could cope, she exhaled forcefully through her nose. The engines of the chopper had finally powered down, and the wardsmen had started to slide the patient onto a hospital trolley.

“It never ceases to amaze me, the way there’s a bloody traffic jamb as drivers stop to gawk at the chopper.” Tess nodded at the line of cars blocking the egress to the car park. “What’s on yer mind, pet?”

Uva recounted the incident in the clinic, punctuating every sentence with plenty of gesticulations, all the while the Camel stayed perched in the corner of her mouth. “You know what’ll happen, Riley will turn into another James!”

Tess guffawed and snorted like a pig. “Then we’ll have two PENISs to contend with!” She laughed whilst her considerable bosom heaved and shook, her problem with incontinence clearly had improved. “Perhaps Geoffrey will make a VULVA?”  They both sat and tittered away, only pausing to look at one of the retrieval nurses who’d removed his helmet to reveal that it was Rick, one of the young ICU nurses, who waved, then quickly returned to his attention to his patient. “Pity Geoffrey’s not like young Rick.”

“Pity they’re not all like young Rick, you old tart.” Uva ground the butt of her cigarette into the grass, absent-mindedly chewing at a yellow stained thumbnail. Seeing fine young lads like Rick made her wonder what her own lad was doing with his life, of course, dealing with Geoffrey made her not want to know!

Meanwhile, in the Executive Suite, Dr James was dictating letters to Acacia, who was struggling to keep up, on account of her new acrylic nails being far too long to handle any sort of writing implement. James was frustrated, he was a very important man, and couldn’t be constrained by this level of inefficiency. “Acacia, if you can’t do your job, then I’ll need to find someone who can!” He blurted, after the third attempted at a simple memo.

“So, you’re going to discriminate against me because I’m beautiful?” Acacia dropped her pencil for the fourth time, struggling to pick it up with her long nails was like using chopsticks.

“No.” Replied James, absent-mindedly looking at the Power Point Presentation of his PENIS.

“You don’t think I’m beautiful!” Acacia started to cry, abandoning the pencil, now trying to dry her eyes, thereby endangering her vision. James came round from behind his desk, with some more tissues.

“I didn’t say you weren’t beautiful, I said I wasn’t trying to discriminate.” James bent forward and put his arm around her shoulders.

Acacia pushed her face into James’ chest. “You..said..I..wasn’t beauti…ful.” Her whole body shook as she cried, yet her fingers stayed splayed out to protect the nails. The cheap fabric of his shirt was rendered translucent by the tears.

“You’re very beautiful, Acacia.” James soothed. “Now, enough of this, let’s get back to work.” Acacia peaked out from under James arm, caught their reflection in the mirror and smiled at herself.