I’m usually more careful than that.
I could sense the sickly smell of blood. My hand was in a wet pool. Too soon to open the eyes.
A small panel beater was hammering out the dents on the inside of my eyeballs and my mouth felt like a camel train had camped there overnight.
Whatever was out there on the other side of my eyelids was going to have to wait until the hammering eased up a little.
But the headache was not the main problem. Beyond the headache, the right cheek of my arse was screaming louder than my head. I decided to feel it. Mistake. It was wet. It was wet with my blood.
I had taken one in the backside for the good guys.
But there was no wound. There was a welt though. I could feel that well enough. I crawled across the threadbare Axminster into the bathroom and prepared for the worst. Opening my right eye, I caught a glimpse in the mirror of my naked backside. Curious. There was no blood. But it was wet alright. And swimming in a fresh coat of straw coloured plasma, was a tattoo. A zodiac tattoo. It was one half of the sign of Gemini. It was one half of a pair of twins.
Wash hands. Two aspirin from the medicine cupboard behind the mirror. And the taste of ironed water from rusty pipes. No, wait. It was the same colour as scotch. An understandable mistake. Two asprin and a shot of Johnny Walker Red. Or branch water – from a lazy anabranch. Open the other eye. Swimming into long focus in the room behind me was a figure. A man lying still on the bed, facing the wall. He was the kind of still not associated with hooch; he was pegged out more like the repose of the deceased. His problem was clearly more serious than my smarting arse.
The bald patch was familiar. The pale blue shirt was familiar. The tattoo on the left buttock was fresh and also familiar. Dave Gerard O’Hoo was a latter day detective with the Met. He was my drinking partner years ago, on an exchange case with the Inner West dicks of 21 Division. He was famous for busting the Hells Angles for growing and selling Marrickville gold hedge. In the carpark. From the boot of an old blue Zephyr.
O’Hoo was on the case because he looked like a cross between a leprechaun and a crime boss. I had my suspicions that he looked like a crime boss because he had more skeletons in his closet than a Greek mausoleum at Rookwood. And the word was that some were home made and not exactly related. It was just an escaped word, but the word’s life was clearly at risk and this old upstairs pub room was something far from what could be called a safe house.
This was going to be a tough one to explain. It required another thoughtful of hip flask, so I sat next to O’Hoo previous on my intact left cheek and fingered my chin a bit.
Reblogged this on Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle and commented:
Took me a while but found this. This episode became the cornerstone for heaps of stories on the PA’s and it’s thanks to its creator Emmjay. What happened over time was a unique situation where other writers took the original characters on a different path than Emmjay might have ever suspected. Sandshoe and I discussed this at length many years ago. We both agreed that it may be a world first. HOO knows :). BTW I see this was reposted in 2015 and was created in 2009. Wow, amazing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Christ, mate, a blast from the past. Where is Foodge, I put him on the flyer a few months back, and heard nothing of him. No telegram, letter, Morse code…
LikeLike
Excellent opening. A tight, compelling tale. Apparently we have all gone arse over tit with Fooge on this one.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle and commented:
Just for old time’s sake !
LikeLike
So!
Let me tell you an “eye” joke then!
Ready? Stop me if you’ve already heard it or read it somewhere.
A man goes to the pub and after a while runs out of money so he elbows the man next to him and says, “hey, mate, you wanna bet a buck that I can bite my eye?”
The other man looks at him, thinks he’s an idiot but still curiosity gets the better of him and after a couple of minutes he takes out a buck, puts it on the counter and says, “yae, all right, I’ll bet you a buck you can’t bite your eye.”
At this, the first guy takes out his glass eye and gives it a bit of a bite.
The other drinker laughs good humouredly and lets him take the buck.
But!
A few minutes later the first guy elbows the second again.
“hey, mate, you wanna bet me ten bucks I can bite my other eye?”
The mate looks back at him, sizes him up, sees that the man can clearly see, so couldn’t have two glass eyes, and loses his fight with curiosity again, pulls out as ten buck note, places it on the counter and says, “Show me!”
To which the first guy takes out his false teeth and…
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL
LikeLike
Is there more, jumpin’ “J”
And for HOO: This offering from the “House of M’s” reminds me strongly of a recently published Oz SF novel you should get hold of called “Time Machines Repaired While-U-Wait” by a guy from Perth called Bedford. Cracking good yarn combining the possibilities of time travel with a hard bitten detective yarn. (You’ll love this. The hero’s name is “Spider” Webb”)
Good summer reading. Gets along at a good pace, plenty of action and changing scenery and has no deep literary pretensions.
LikeLike
Yes, Waz, for your sins and mine, there will be more. I’m trying to run it at a rate of 500 words per day – or maybe 1,000 in two days – but it needs to maintain momentum.
Fortunately we’re heading for the summer hols where I will receive only a modicum of opprobrium from the First Mate for “writing” as opposed to working properly and worrying about getting more work for when this chunk runs out.
I thought we did OK for one written while waiting for a slow-flying Virgin Blue plane out of Melbourne. Two tattoos, a dead body, the hangover from hell and several oblique refs to aspects porcine….. in 521 words….
If you or any of our Pig’s pals want to Email me with hands-on-the-story-tiller advice, I’m up for ignoring them or weaving them in – as a challenge and a collaborative effort. I’m as curious as others as to where Foodge will go next.
….. I find the third shot from Mr Walker to be the tastiest … unlike a good dry martini where, like eyes, two is about right. One – demands more to cover the view on the blind side, and three – you see too much …….
LikeLike
A bloody cheeky story that one Emmjay!
😉
LikeLike
Yes and who is DG O’Hoo? One may ask
LikeLike
Gee, that’s a hell of a story Emm,
Where is The Marrickville Gold now hey? That is my blue Zephyr stolen outside St Mary’s Street.
Please, also explain how you could view your right arse cheek in the horror of your mirror with your left eye?
I’ ll keep a look out for you and so is Bumper Farrell.
LikeLike
Gez, thanks. In film making there’s a job called “continuity” – you know – someone who makes sure that actors playing cavemen do not wear their wristwatches on set – and that there are no aeroplanes in the sky for example..
Please be my continuity.
I dunno. Any suggestions how the right cheek from the left eye could be fixed ? Might be easiest to just change eyes. Otherwise there are two cheeks to change and that’s a lot of extra work….
LikeLike
Emm, this reminds me of one of those famous American crime writers: Raymond Chandler or was it Hunter S Thompson, or one of the others? I read all those so long ago, so it’s all a bit blurry now.
At the moment I’m back reading Carol Shields, she really gets into shadows of your soul!
LikeLike
Whereas I was wondering how he could see his backside in the mirror at all under those circumstances. Am I the only one here who doesn’t have a bathroom mirror that extends to floor level?
Anyway, it is clear that MJ has little experience of looking at his own backside in the mirror. While on one level this is strangely comforting, it does detract from the credibility of the story. More research is needed. I considered offering to do it for him since he is so busy, but quickly realised that there are certain things I am not prepared to do even in the interests of literature. So I compromised by viewing MY own backside in the mirror.
I report that although it makes little difference standing, when lying on the floor the view of ones right arse cheek from ones left eye is extremely limited. (As for the veerdict: agreeably surprised.)
Let’s all hope that none of MJ’s future writings prompts us to wonder about the spatial relationship between his head and his arse.
LikeLike
This was a classic Voice. As I said to Waz, I wrote the piece in the (how appropriate) Virgin departure lounge at Tullamarine.
I was a bit reluctant to drop my draws and cop a squiz amongst the not-very-amused Gate 5 crowd…..
But I take your word for it.
Consider standing on the vanity back to the mirror, bending over and peering through your legs.
There you go – A full moon over Lake Burley Griffin…..
Rule 1: Writer is not supposed to have more fun than the reader ……
LikeLike
It’s all very well for you Christmas Elves but us big people find that sort of thing quite difficult. Santa stranded you in Melbourne?
LikeLike
Temporarily. I think it lacks the punch of “Santa Didn’t Make it into Darwin”, though.,.,
LikeLike
Did you write that for Bill and Boyd Emm?
LikeLike