In a desperate attempt to make the New Year's Day Test interesting, Australian selectors have chosen to open with an old bat and even older balls

Digital insertion by Warrigal

In an attempt to add some length to the current series against Pakistan, selectors have reluctantly chosen to bring back a little Aussie battler to open the streaking from the Randwick end.  “We haven’t seen so many creases since he lobbed one down and narrowly missed his foot in the ‘Australian Prime Minister versus hapless Indian school children series in Bangalore in 2004” commented Pakistan captain Whatta Whacker.

Security was tight as a pair of budgie smugglers and following recent aviation incidents, players this year will be asked to take to the field without any regional support – and must remain in their seats for the last hour of the session.  How this is expected to help is yet to be decided.