By Neville Cole

Lear Most Strange – Act One, Scene 1

 
SCENE ONE: KING LEAR’S PALACE
Enter Gloucester, Kent and Edmund the Bastard

KENT 
I thought Lear only trusted Albany? What’s this about him and Cornwall all of a sudden?
GLOUCESTER
You got me. The King has been acting pretty queer lately?
KENT
Speaking of pretty. Who’s this lad?
GLOUCESTER
Remember the young maid my wife had after Edgar was born?  Well, I had her as well.
KENT
I’m not sure I follow you…
GLOUCESTER
I knocked her up. You’re looking at the illegitimate spawn of my far-flung seed.
KENT
Well, he seems like a right proper bastard to me.
GLOUCESTER
There was some good sport in his making, if you get my drift. Makes you think that maybe Edgar isn’t my fault after all, doesn’t it?
KENT
I didn’t want to mention it; but Edgar is a bit… well, less than manly.
GLOUCESTER
He’s as straight as a corkscrew. That’s why I’ve let Edmund here move in with us. This big bastard might just make me look respectable.
KENT
Good move, Earl.
GLOUCESTER
Edmund. This is the Duke of Kent. A good man to know. And not a homo, in case you were wondering. He just seems like it sometimes…but then, don’t we all.

A Sennet sounds.

GLOUCESTER
Lear’s here.

Enter Lear, Albany, Cornwall, and Lear’s daughters Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia.

LEAR
Gloucester. Make yourself useful and see to those two morons France and Burgundy. I think they’re hungry again.
GLOUCESTER
Yes sir!
Gloucester and Edmund leave.
LEAR
The damn French are always eating but they never put on weight! How do they do it?
ALBANY
I know exactly what you mean. How can they possibly stand to eat so much cheese? It’s disgusting.
LEAR
Shut up Albany. Can’t you see I’m trying to think? I’ve got two randy foreigners after my youngest daughter. Like I don’t have anything better to do than figure out a dowry. Alright. This is the way it’s going to be? End of story. I’m splitting up the kingdom. I can’t take it anymore. I’m not getting any younger, you know. It’s time for me to retire and enjoy the fruits of my labors. And it’s time for each of you to get off your arses and start earning your keep! I’m just kidding!  Albany, you know I love you…
ALBANY
Thank you, great Lear. 
LEAR
You take good care of Goneril. I appreciate that, I do. God knows it can’t be easy. But do I think you two could run this whole kingdom yourselves? No way! Cornwall. The same goes for you and Regan. And as for Cordelia, she got enough problems with those stupid Frenchmen.
ALL
Sir, I think you are overlooking the experience I have gained during the last eight wars…; Daddy I could too run this kingdom, much better than she could!; You always got everything you wanted…; Etc…
LEAR
Stop snivelling, all of you! I’ve decided. I want to split it up and let you all do your best to make things work. All I ask is you treat me right in my old age. Show some respect. Is that too much to ask?
ALL
No no, m’lord; Daddy don’t even say such a thing!; Of course we’ll respect you!; Etc… 
LEAR
Alright, alright. Now here’s the test. I want my three beautiful daughters to do me a favor. I want you to make an old, tired man feel good about his life. All you have to do is tell me how very much you love me and I’ll let you know which part of the kingdom will be yours – and your husbands – to share. What do you think? That little proposition has your attention, doesn’t it?
GONERIL
We have to tell you we love you?
LEAR
That’s right. Sweet talk me. And the thicker you lay it on the better. I’ve been feeling a little depressed and this is just what I need to set everything straight. The more love I feel, the more generous I’ll be. You could say, I’m in the mood for love. Goneril. You’re the oldest; why don’t you kick things off.
GONERIL
Oh, master. I love you more than words can say. More than riches, more than my own life. I love you more than any child ever loved her father. You complete me.
LEAR
Very nice. Well said. Alright. You can have all of this area here, and, what the hell, these islands as well. Alright Regan, you’re up next.
REGAN
Oh, I love you, sir, as much as she. More so, in fact, because… I don’t care about anything else but being loved by you….boop boop bee doo. I love you… all. You’re the tops, pops!
LEAR
Very good. Very, very good. And some catchy rhymes to boot! This ample third, in every way the match of your sisters, I give to you dear Regan.  And now, sweetest of my loins, sweet Cordelia. What do you have to say about your old man? I still have all this lovely land to give away.
CORDELIA
Oh, geez. What can I say? Love you all? More than life itself? I mean, come on… it’s a bit much. Isn’t it? I love you like a daughter. 
LEAR
What? That’s it? You can’t speak better than that? What the hell have those nuns been teaching you all day? Come on, now, Cordelia. I’ll give you one more try. Please try to paint a prettier picture.
CORDELIA
But how can I say I will love you as much as my sister’s have. You do realize that one day, perhaps soon I will marry? When that day comes I shall give a good portion of my love to that man. I cannot give all to you. I mean, doesn’t that strike you as a little sick? You know, weird? Queer?
LEAR
You dare call Lear queer?
CORDELIA
No, no. It’s just this whole thing. It’s a bit off if you ask me.
LEAR
Off, is it? Well then, off with you, you little slut!
CORDELIA
What?
LEAR
Piss off with you? You getting nothing from me!
 
Enter France and Burgundy. Lear continues his rant.

LEAR
You see all this lovely land. All this could’ve been yours.  But not now! No. Not now! Now? No I say!
KENT
Good, my liege…
LEAR
Shut it, Kent! I’m giving her part to her sisters to divide as they see fit. Her new husband can take care of her!
KENT
My lord… Have you lost your freaking mind?
LEAR
Shut your damn trap, Kent. I’ve made up my mind.
KENT
But you’re not making any sense, you stupid old coot.
LEAR
Kent. I swear to god, if you don’t shut up this instant, I’ll…
KENT
You’ll what? Come on, Lear. I know you. I’ve served you all my life. In every way you asked. You’ve always trusted me, always told me to tell you exactly what was on my mind. I’m Kent the conscience, remember? “If ever I go to do something really, remarkably stupid, you will tell me, won’t you Kent?” Well, sire. This is the time. You are about to do the stupidest thing any stupid King has ever stupidly done.
LEAR
You know, Kent. Your words have given me thought. My thought is… If you don’t get out of my sight in the next 15 seconds I am going to pick up that bow and shoot an arrow right through your eyeball.
KENT
But my liege…
LEAR
I mean it, Kent. You are history. Do not return. Ever.
KENT
Surely, you’re not serious…
LEAR
I’m reaching for the quiver…
KENT
But…
KENT turns suddenly and runs.
LEAR
And don’t call me, Shirley!
 
ENTER France and Burgundy.

FRANCE
Allo.
BURGUNDY
Allo.
FRANCE
Allo.
BURGUNDY
What is going on ere, then?
LEAR
Oh god.  It’s the French.
BURGUNDY
We are ere to fart fer yer dater’s and in mar-ri-age.
FRANCE
Yis. Bet we warnt you to fuck out a gooed dower fer er.
LEAR
Do I have this clear? You are willing to fart over the dower I fuck out?
BURGUNDY
Yis.
FRANCE
Igzatly.
LEAR
Well, I am willing to fuck out fork all for her. Are you willing to fart over that?
BURGUNDY
What?
FRANCE
What?
France and Burgundy babble at each other in French.
BURGUNDY
Q’est qui la ce entrende de la Roi? Etc…
FRANCE
O’ la la. Mais qui, merde. Sacrebleu! Etc…
LEAR
Do you want her? As is? No dower. Fork all? Take her or leave her.
BURGUNDY
Excusy moi, my Roi. But zis iz not part of ze deal. If you are assing me. I say piss. Unliss you cin come up wit zahm lind or gash. Zat is my feenal answer.
LEAR
That’s one down. What about you, France. Are you interested in some damaged goods.
FRANCE
Zis is most strange. She sure must ave peezed you off. What the ell. I’ll tick er. I em after all, as randy as a rabbit!
LEAR
Take her then. And take her often, cause that all you get from me. Well, I don’t know about you, Burgundy, but I need a drink. Care to join me?
BURGUNDY
Yis, me lud. Do you ave some neece rid wane?
LEAR
All the rid wane you can handle my froggy friend. Come let us dine all and drink until we puke.
All begin exit except France and Cordelia. Regan and Goneril pauses suspiciously in the background looking sinister.
FRANCE
I ope I did not offand you, jist now. But I rilly am quite randy for you. I tink you will fand me a gooed laver in a fahn usbind. I tink way shid ave abart eahrt chidrin. Whart di you tink?
CORDELIA
Don’t speak. Please. Don’t speak. Really… I’ll learn French.
Regan and Goneril move center in an overly dramatic way.
GONERIL
Sister, it is not a little I have to say of what most nearly appertains to us both. I think our father will hence tonight.
REGAN
Huh?
GONERIL
We have to talk. Dad is leaving. Tonight.
REGAN
Why didn’t you just say so? (mimicking Goneril) I have to say…what most nearly appertains to us both…father will hence… One year at finishing school and you think you are all that!
GONERIL
He thinks he’s moving in with me.
REGAN
Ha, ha… sucker.
GONERIL
Next month he’s with you.
REGAN
What? No way… We are really busy next month…remodeling the whole csstle…
GONERIL
Oh, he’ll be there to live you next month. Get used to it.
REGAN
Honestly, I don’t know that I can handle him for a whole month. He’s gone completely round the bend lately.
GONERIL
He’s never been the quickest wick in the box, but I’ve never ever seen him like this. Threatening to kill Kent… Tossing Cordelia out on the street like a used up whore…
REGAN
Going off to drink with a Frenchman…
GONERIL
There will be more…much more…and worse if we don’t do something about it.
REGAN
This will take some thinking about…that’s for sure.
GONERIL
We must do something, and i’ the heat!
REGAN
You just can’t stop can you…

Goneril leaves dramatically. Regan follows.
END OF SCENE ONE.