Learing by Neville Cole

SCENE TWO: THE EARL OF GLOUCESTER’S CASTLE.
Enter Edmund the Bastard.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
By god, you are a good looking son of a bitch. Look at you! Just look at me! Do I look like a bastard to you? I’m smart. A mensa, thanks very much. I’m incredibly good looking too… better looking than my brother, that’s for damn sure. But they call me the bastard! Edmund the bastard. Here’s my bastard son! Knocked up his mother, the maid. There was good sport in his making. Nudge, nudge, wink wink. Say no more… I’ll bet there was, I’ll bet there was… I’m sure my mother was great in the sack: best lay old Gloucester ever had, I don’t doubt! Have you seen his wife? Nothing to write home about…very plain, and a little, well… I think maybe there was some in-breeding in her family. No wonder Edgar ended up like he did. He’s a bit…funny, is Edgar. But… he’s the legitimate heir. He’s the real son! He’ll get everything. I get jack shit ‘cause I’m a dirty bastard. We’ll don’t you worry about me. I won’t be the good little bastard and wait around for my dim brother’s scraps. I’ve got a plan. I’m going to set things straight. I’ve got…a letter! That’s right…a letter! Brilliant! Isn’t it! And if this letter speed and my invention thrive, Edmund the Bastard will top the legitimate. I grow; I prosper: Now, gods, stand up for bastards! Well, you know…it should work out fine. Because…I’ve got a letter. Don’t forget that. It’s an important plot point.
GLOUCESTER
Edmond…
EDMUND THE BASTARD
It’s a letter!
GLOUCESTER
What?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
In my hand. You caught me. I was trying to hide it away. But you caught me fair and square.
GLOUCESTER
What? Oh, yes I see…
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Take it if you must even though I would if I could hide its contents from you till the day I die.
GLOUCESTER
If you feel that way about it. I don’t want to pry.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
No, no… you must. Take it. Though I wish to god you never had to see such horrors as there lie writ.
GLOUCESTER
If it’s bad news I don’t think I want to see it. It’s been a bad day already. Did you here the King tried to kill Kent?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Just read the bloody letter!
GLOUCESTER
Alright. Give it here… (he reads)
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Read it…aloud, kind sir.
GLOUCESTER
Didn’t you read it already?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Humor me.
GLOUCESTER
Very well. “This policy and reverence of age makes the world bitter to the best of our times; keeps our fortunes from us till our oldness cannot relish them.” (pauses)
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Go on…if you can contain you direst emotions, dear father.
GLOUCESTER
Alright. “I begin to find an idle and fond bondage in the oppression of aged tyranny; who sways, not as it hath it were his; but in respect of that, I would fain think it were not.” Well…
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Indeed.
GLOUCESTER
It’s utter gibberish.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
No, sire. It is written in Edgar’s own hand.
GLOUCESTER
Well, that explains a lot. Edgar’s a nutter.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Read on…there at the end.
GLOUCESTER
Why don’t you tell me what it says… I can’t make heads of tails of it. It’s all greek to me.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
See here, good sir, in the villian’s own evil scrawl: “If our father should sleep till I waked him, you should enjoy half his revenue for ever, and live the beloved of your brother.”
GLOUCESTER
Yes?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
He wants me to help him kill you and divide your lands and wealth.
GLOUCESTER
That’s what is says? “Sleep till I waked him” Are you sure that means kill me? Sounds much nicer than that to me. I think he wants me to take a nap.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
He is plotting to kill you.
GLOUCESTER
Well, you’re the college boy. But…I don’t know. Edgar’s never been like that. He’s been like a lot of things…but never that.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
I prove it to you. Tonight.
GLOUCESTER
How?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
I shall place where you shall hear us confer of this, and by auricular assurance have your satisfaction… (pause) I’ll get him to confess.
GLOUCESTER
Oh right. Good plan. Tonight you say?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Tonight.
GLOUCESTER
Well… best be off then. Until tonight, then…
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Yes.
GLOUCESTER
Yes. Are you hungry at all? I was just off to the pub…
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Tonight.
GLOUCESTER
Right.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Idiot.
GLOUCESTER
What was that?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Nothing…
GLOUCESTER
Oh, good. Bye then…I’ll just head off in this direction.
Gloucester exits stage left. Edgar enters at the same time stage right.
EDGAR
Who was that?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Where did you come from?
EDGAR
I just walked in from that other direction.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Did you just get here?
EDGAR
This very moment.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Thank god for that.
EDGAR
Was that Dad that just left?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
What? Oh, yes… Yes it was…
EDGAR
What positively amazing timing. Well, love to stay and chat but I want to catch up to dear old dad. I have something most humorous to tell him.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
No, wait. Stop. You better not…
EDGAR
Why? Is he being a grumpy pants again? I’ll soon fix that…
EDMUND THE BASTARD
No! He was here, right you you now stand, on this very floor, in such a rage as never before…I ever saw. He swore to Hades that he would make war fourscore and kill you the moment he next laid eyes on you.
EDGAR
Oh… Has he been drinking?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Yes.
EDGAR
Thanks for warning me. I will be… sure to stay out of this way then.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
You should do more than that… You should… go on a holiday.
EDGAR
A holiday?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Yes. A long, long holiday. Morocco or Tangiers, perhaps.
EDGAR
Ooohh… I hear Tangiers is lovely.
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Very lovely.
EDGAR
Father’s awfully mad, isn’t  he?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
He is.
EDGAR
Well…you know what they say: What happens in Tangiers…
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Stays in Tangiers. Yes, that is what they say… Now hurry, brother, away. Flee! The last boat of autumn sails this day. Soon all will be wintery and not so fair with…a terrible chill in the air and keeping that tan will be next to impossible.
EDGAR
Yuck. Alright, then… Guess I’ll be off. So, I should go, this way?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
Yes. I think it best.
EDGAR
Shall I hear from you anon?
EDMUND THE BASTARD
I’ll write you anon and on… and tell you when the coast is clear. Now, go time and tide waits for no man.
Edgar exits in a terrible hurry.