By Big M

Geoffrey’s name had come up at yet another hospital meeting.

“Woodenuv got into his general training in the old days.” Grumbled Uva Kent, as she lit another camel from the, still glowing, butt of the last one. She still liked to be called ‘Sister’ even though she wasn’t a nun, and never understood the nervous giggles from new applicants as she introduced herself, with her Kiwi accent. “Now that nursing training, or education, is at college (she didn’t like to call them, ‘universities’) anyone can get in. This poor bastard can barely write, and his mathematics is at a third grade level.”

“That’s enough thank you, er, Uva, I mean er Sister.” Retorted Dr James, as he straightened his new polyester tie, he’d bought from K-mart last night. He wasn’t a medical doctor, but had a doctorate in nursing. The basis of his thesis had been the attitudes of male nurses towards bedpans, and pan-room hygiene. “We can’t do much with him, if we sack him we’ll get done for sexism, you know what those male nurses are like.” Forgetting that he, himself was a male nurse.

“We’ll have a little look in the ‘Geoffrey File’, then, Luvvy”. Said Uva, with the cigarette mashed in the corner of her mouth, a long column of ash threatening to fall into the file. “Last week, tried to sterilise thirty two digital thermometers by soaking in Milton solution. This Monday, went to lunch leaving Mrs Guttman sitting on a pan to be discovered by the afternoon staff. Had to go to the Operating Theatre to have her rolls of fat extracted from the pan under a general. Wednesday tried to sterilise thirty digital thermometers by boiling them for ten minutes. Need I go on?” The ash floated onto the open page.

“Well, the lad hasn’t been given much of a go.” Dr James started.

“Much of a bloody go!” Uva exclaimed, as she aspirated the cigarette butt into her pharynx, which caused a coughing fit, which lasted for eight full minutes. It finally resolved with a gulp of hospital brandy, which was always on hand. “Much of a mother fudging go! The little bastard woulduv been out on his arse in the first eight weeks in the good old days.”

“These aren’t the ‘good old days’ as you so quaintly describe them.” James looked around the room for a clue that someone thought his little joke may have been funny. A couple of people laughed, but only because Uva was poking her tongue at James as he looked the other way.

“I know what we can do with Geoffrey.” Added Mrs Tickle. She never introduced herself by her Christian name, ‘Tess’, for obvious reasons. “We’ll transfer him to obstetrics. The patients aren’t really sick, and there are some male nurses over there who may straighten him out!” she grinned at her own cleverness.

“Silly bastard might drop a kid on its head, then we’d be sued.” Uva blew smoke out the side of her mouth to avoid blowing it in the direction of her colleges. Yes, she’d already recovered and lit another durry.

“Happens all the time.” Laughed Mrs Tickle. “Nature’s way of stopping kids from being smarter than their parents.” She roared with laughter, spilling hot tea onto the table, and into Dr James’ lap. Quick as a flash, Uva tossed some iced water from a glass jug, into his lap. It certainly cooled the burning sensation in his privates, but now he looked like he’d been incontinent.

It was Uva’s turn to laugh. “Christ, James, can’t take you anywhere!” She refused to call him ‘Dr’ James, as she, well, thought it was bullshit.

James was still dancing from foot to foot, attempting to dry his crutchal region with a paper napkin. “Let the minutes reflect that we recommend Nurse Geoffrey Riley be transferred to Obstetrics to further his clinical experience.” His gaze was direct at his secretary, Acacia, who was examining her torn acrylic nail. “Have you got that?”

“Why, yes Doctor, I will need some time off to see the beautician.”

James shook his head. Acacia was the sister of a girl he had once dated, ‘Fern’, but,  like the romance with Fern, Acacia’s employment wasn’t the issue today. “OK, meeting closed at sixteen twenty hours.” He rushed from the meeting room to change his clothes.

Tess and Uva sat around laughing. In fact, they laughed so much that Tess wet her pants, which wasn’t unusual. “Well, Uva, looks like you better let the lad know,”

Geoffrey was completely gob smacked that Assistant Director of Nursing; Sister Kent had come down from the Ivory Tower, as the Nursing Office was known, to tell him about the transfer. He’d made two New Years Resolutions, this year. One was to work much less; the other was to lose his virginity. It seemed to him that the former was about to happen. Clearly Sister Kent held him in high regard. She’d told him that, if bedside nursing didn’t work out, that he could always get a job lecturing at the uni, and had grumbled something about,”…them that can’t, teach.” Then giggled as she walked away.