By Big M

Geoffrey’s dinner plans had not gone as well as expected, that is, Geoffrey’s virginity was still very much intact. Morticia was horrified that he had not bothered to do a MasterCook inspired meal, so placed the frozen dinners back in the refrigerator, and cooked an omelette with chorizo, onion and zucchini on the side. Geoffrey felt a real pang as he watched the zucchini being diced, his libido shrinking in proportion to the remaining zucchini.

It was a busy Monday morning in the hospital clinics. Geoffrey hadn’t had a chance to speak with Morticia, as she was allocated to the Colonoscopy Clinic, whilst he ferried patients in and out of the general clinics. Geoffrey wondered what sort of person would specialise in colonoscopy. Clearly men who liked wearing bow ties and very short fingernails.

Sister Kent and Mrs Tickle were already enjoying a cuppa and a smoke in a sunny spot around the side of the hospital. Mrs Tickle had perfected the pelvic floor exercises, so that they were almost second nature. It had been a big weekend. They’d been out with the MaNICs, and had persuaded them to abandon the pub-crawl, in favour of staying at one particular club. They had chosen the local RSL, for two reasons, one, they were already there, and, two, it was desperate for members, so they’d joined en masse. Tess had relived her early days as a barmaid, lending a hand pulling schooies.

The comical figure of Dr James came blustering towards them, resplendent in his red fluorescent ‘Emergency Coordinator’ vest. “Where’s the fire, James?” Uva couldn’t help herself.

“Fire, Fire, what fire.” James looked around nervously.

“No, it’s a saying. What’s going on?”

“Oh…er…terrible bus crash…expecting lot’s of casualties. I’ve declared an ‘External Emergency’ so, you two know what to do?”

Tess and Uva nodded. “Have you sussed out just how many casualties we are expecting? Have you spoken to the ambos or the wallopers?” Uva mumbled out the side of her mouth as she lit another durry.

“No, it’s a bus crash, of course there’ll be lots of casualties!” James shook his head at her clear lack of understanding. “I’ll initiate a full P.E.N.I.S.”

“We’d all like to see that.” Tess tittered, then waddled off to perform her allocated ‘External Emergency’ jobs, which included notifying the switchboard, and distributing C.B. radios to each ward. Uva set about warning the wardsmen, bed-makers and kitchen staff of the impending influx. She did this by having a quiet smoke with the leading hands of each group. She knew that James would be closing the Outpatient Clinics and transferring people from Emergency into that area, cancelling booked surgery and calling in extra staff.

It turned out to be the most exciting day of Geoffrey’s career. Dr James had instructed him to cancel all the clinics, and send the patients home, so that he could open his own emergency room. He did this with gusto, much to the consternation of most of the medical staff, as well as the patients, some of whom had travelled long distances for their consultations. No one was more upset than old Mr Collins, who had two meters of colonoscope in his colon when Geoffrey burst into the clinic room to warn them that the clinic was about to close. Mr Collins leapt off the metal bed, in spite of intravenous sedation, taking the colonoscope with him. The professor of gastroenterology roared at Geoffrey, as they struggled to lift Mr Collins back onto the bed. Thankfully the only thing broken was the colonoscope!

The entire hospital was made ready for the influx of casualties. Patients had been discharged from wards; beds had been washed and made. The Day-Stay Surgery ward was converted into a regular ward. ‘Walking wounded’ had been transferred from Emergency to the clinics, with Geoffrey, and, thankfully, Morticia, in charge of their care.

They waited, and waited, until, eventually, one lone ambulance pulled into the Ambulance Bay. Emergency Doctors and Nurses spilled into the bay to care for their first casualty of the Great Bus Crash of 2010. The back doors of the ambulance were flung open. Everyone craned their necks to look at their first patient. It was a middle-aged man, sitting up on a stretcher, his right hand in a bandage.

The Director of Emergency was outraged. “Don’t you bumbling fools understand the principles of triage?” She roared. “Walking wounded, like this chap, can be treated at the scene, while you attend to more intensive cases!”

“There are no more intensive cases, this is the case.” The more senior ambulance officer replied, concealing his contempt for the ED Director. “This is the bus driver who was in the crash. There were two empty buses en route back to the depot. This poor bugger was following and failed to brake in time, thus running into the back of the other bus!”

Dr James called an urgent Executive Meeting the next morning. The nursing directors were exhausted, as they had spent the previous afternoon and evening trying to get the hospital back into usual shape. Even Acacia was tired, but that was fairly normal for her, even her stenographer’s pad felt like a lead weight in her hand. James was about to call the meeting to order when Uva interjected. “Total cock up, James.”

“Pardon, the meeting has not yet been opened, Sister Kent, besides, we don’t use those sorts of words here in the Executive Suite.” James was displeased. Acacia fumbled with her pencil, trying to remember how to spell ‘sweet’, as she’d given up on short hand.

“Well open the bloody meeting so I can tell you what a complete PENIS you are.” Uva was livid. “Clinic patients kicked out, inpatients discharged early, wardsmen unnecessarily pushing empty beds around the hospital, staff being paid overtime, extra food brought in and wasted, plus, we are the laughing stock of the tabloids. Did you read today’s headline? Great Bus Crash of 2010, one sprained wrist!”

“Well…er…a man in my position…er…can’t, I mean, doesn’t read anything, I mean, everything.” James stammered away. He glanced at Tess, who had a face like an ogre. “Mrs Tickle, are you all right?”

Tess exhaled. “No, not really, this whole business has put my pelvic floor back at least two months.”

“Well.” Dr James began again. “Last night I received an email from the head of the Health Department stating that both the hospital, and me, have been nominated for a special Emergency Response Award. We’ve had the most rapid response to a perceived external threat in the state. In addition to these awards I’ve been empowered to give two awards for Emergency Response to staff whom we feel particularly deserving. I’m nominating Nurse Riley and Nurse Libitina.” His speech was interrupted by the hot spray of black coffee laced with brandy that was being ejected from Uva’s lips.

“Morticia, a little creepy, but a very competent nurse, Geoffrey, does something right for the first time in his life and gets a prize for it!” Uva wiped the coffee from her chin, whilst she dug around in her pockets for her Camels and lighter. “What about the staff who came in from home, the wardsmen, bed-makers, kitchen staff?”

James held his hand up. “Sister…er…Kent. The decision has been made. I’ve emailed my recommendations to the Health Department this morning.” He looked down and noticed the dappled pattern of coffee on his shirt and tie. Thankfully he always kept spares in his office. “Anyway, I declare the meeting closed, unless there are any further…er…comments?” He looked around. Both Uva and Tess shook their heads in disbelief, whilst Acacia continued to scribble across her pad, trying to remember what was said after ‘executive sweet’. James left the room. Uva and Tess sat and stared, the blue smoke rose upwards from the Camel in the corner of Uva’s mouth, a long cylinder of ash threatened to collapse on itself. The only sound was from Acacia’s pencil criss-crossing the page.

“Bloody Geoffrey!” They both chimed.