Helvi Oosterman

Popping into my old branch of the ANZ bank to notify our change of address, I noticed a curious little ad at the teller: The Archibald Prize exhibit at the Goulburn Art Gallery. Better late than never we thought and rushed in.

We were hardly in, and hubby was advising me that this must be the store-room boys’ selection. He has not yet spotted the mini-sized winning portrait by Sam Leach, was my guess. So it was; putting my glasses on I could spot this miniature oddity amongst all the usual largish triptychs.

There were some good, and some not so impressive portraits of our celebrities and of lesser folk. I even found a painting, and a rather good one, by our previous neighbour Cherry Hood. I could not quite understand what the goat with its curly horns had to do with this portrayal of her fellow Brisbane artist…

Now Cherry was not the only one adding something unexpected to her work. There was Cate Blanchett’s husband in a little rowing boat; maybe the viewer is to conclude: Mr Blanchett (Andrew Urban) likes fishing! In one self-portrait the artist had a dead fish sharing the canvas with himself! Well, I get the impression here that the arts must not be taken too seriously in Australia, I like this playfulness as I tend to think that a bit of humour lightens almost any endeavour.

A thought crossed my mind about starting a Pig’s Arms portrait collection. As I have only met Mr Jones , I have to base my brush-strokes not on seeing you in front of me but on reading your writings here and on UL.  I’ll start with Mike, and as we all know he is a motorbike enthusiast, he no doubt would like his Dukati to be that bit of extra in the portrait. I’ll oblige and add the leather biking gear.

 I’ll sketch Hung One On only if he promises to keep his smile on, and no doubt he’ll insist in having a cricket bat in one hand and a glass of Shiraz in another. Not really complimentary to each other, but better than Howard’s cup of tea any time. I hope he’s not going to hit me with this cricket bat after reading this!

 At the gallery the weirdest painting was a naked back view of the well-known Australian schoolteacher, who has most of his body tattooed, very exotic and colourful but hardly a portrait. This gave me an idea to paint our elusive Warrigal from the behind as well; no need to panic, fully clothed.  As he is a bit of guru to us all here, he can stand in front of blackboard showing us how to spell ‘discombobulate’…

 Gerard has rejected his parents Catholicism, but as he is a natural preacher, I have to draw him shouting something evangelical from the churchy heights: You shall love your neighbour and not erect a zinc-alum fence between him and yourself.

Mrs M is correct in saying that grey hair looks distinguished on males, so Mr Big M will keep his natural hair colour for the portrait. A white coat and surgical gloves will compliment his beaming smile when he’s painted holding a newborn, still crinkly, baby. The floral Mambo shirts can stay in the wardrobe.

 I’ll give Astyages a double shot; in the first he’ll be playing a guitar and the number two sitting at a desk surrounded with tomes on Ancient Greek history and philosophy. OK, I’ll put at least one adoring Karen in the picture, but no motorbikes…they have done enough damage.

Julian’s curls will be professionally tidied and you’ll find him looking very happy; he’s just purchased an old scratchy record by a minor English band from the sixties on E-bay. He has also found out that he’ll see his grandson sooner rather than later.

Algernon has to be seen passing on how-to vote pamphlets; I’ll put a big sign LABOR behind him, after all he has been our best and most optimistic campaigner during these horrid five weeks.

Vivienne, our food and wine expert, knows all about slaughtering goats I have learnt lately.  So maybe accompanying her with a live not a killed goat might be in order.  I don’t think Cherry Hood will come to Pig’s Arms and sue me for stealing her idea!

Voice can proud of her achievements in the garden; the Gerberas are in full bloom and even the severely pruned Bottlebrushes are starting to look good. The spring garden is a perfect place to seat her for the portrait, the cat in her lap and maybe a gin and tonic on the table!

Gez has promised to do mine; I might have to pay him though to do some embellishments…