For decades, the human race has been witness to some of the most unimaginable horrors. The saddest part is that most of these horrors have been perpetrated by ourselves. Humans have a lot to answer for.

Amongst the worst crimes of all is the constant confinement of office workers in cubicles. They cower, cheek by jowl under artificial lights, in an environment specifically designed to stimulate productivity past any reasonable, natural level.

Previously, the answer to this outrage was thought to lie with activist groups – small cells of operatives who would meticulously plan and then carry out daring daytime raids to free office workers from the shackles of oppression. It was hard, tiring and often illegal, and many of the activists gave their lives to the cause, suffering terrifying fates at the hands of building security guards.

That’s why we here at Free Range Office Solutions™ have gone back to the drawing board, and we’ve found the very best solution to the problem. No more will accountants and administrative assistants be confined to cubicles. No more will editors and web developers find themselves penned for up to eight hours a day (sometimes even more) in tiny cells barely three metres square, with only a minimal space available to hang photos of loved ones or small plaques bearing banal witticisms to keep them sane.

Here at Free Range Office Solutions, we prefer to keep the workers happy – a happy worker is a productive worker. That’s why we let our worker’s roam free throughout the day – Free to explore, free to scratch through the soil, collecting the naturally occurring minerals they need to remain healthy.

We believe that consumers can, and will, taste the difference – We’ve found that productivity is actually increased when Free Range Workers are employed in American companies.

How it works

The idea behind Free Range Office Solutions is very simple, both in concept and implementation. We believe that human beings were meant to roam free throughout the day, feeling the earth beneath their bare feet.

It takes only a small investment for this solution to become a reality for you and your business. For just $499 per square metre, our expert technicians will come to your office, remove every stick of furniture they can find, and replace the carpet with a totally natural topsoil, harvested from the rich, loamy land of the Mississippi Delta.

We provide full training for managers, to assist with getting your new Free Range Workers used to their new surrounding. We run workshops on how to walk barefoot through the office, settling territorial disputes between alpha males and – of course – keeping your Free Range Workers well-fed and happy.

The results you’ll attain will astonish you. That’s our guarantee to you. But don’t take our word for it. Here are some testimonials from some of our high profile clients.

“I first heard of Free Range Workers back in the 1970s. My company was pretty small back then, and we had resigned ourselves to using the cubicle system of worker control because we had no other options. But once we put the Free Range Worker ideal into place, this company expanded very, very rapidly.” B. Gates, Silicon Valley.

“We’ve found that some of our workers don’t even want to leave at the end of the day – we have to round them up using dogs, or shoo them out the door with a broom at five o’clock. Thank you Free Range Office Solutions – without you, our workplace would still look like it was made out of Lego.” J. Rockerfeller, New York.

For your obligation-free pamphlet, simply write to us or call our toll-free number. Happy, plump and productive workers are just a phone call away.

*Disclaimer – Free Range Office Solutions™ is a wholly owned subsidiary of Jon Long’s Second Hand Office Furniture, Pty Ltd.