Story by Ricardo

Ricardo is a recycled Brit, former drinking mate and denizen of the Inner West, now ostensibly domiciled in Leeds, but given to escaping at the slightest provocation to his Chateau in Montmorillon.

He has kindly agreed to be the Pig’s Arms new Anglo-Euro correspondent.

Hello dear friends and lesser mortals.

I’ve been inspired by the xmas epistle from my posh Hong Kong ex-pat environmental “activist” sister which, this year, was clearly written with Gandhiesque humility.

I humbly suggest  that my highlights of 2010 actually surpassed hers….

Best described simply…

…..yet eloquently,

…..and above all….

…with unbridled humility as:- ‘Superlatives fail me….’

I have magnanimously selected you to be the special worthy few with whom I will share my highlights of 2010.

January

Bought  some thermal underpants for the first time ever. If only I had discovered these in 1995, I would not now be divorced.

Cleaned the toilet.

February

Nothing much happened really.

March

Found out that the Asda Supermaket sells real Jersey Milk (full cream). My cholesterol level promptly doubles with a week.

This led to unadulterated ecstasy when, whilst considering whether to purchase an 8 pack of aloe vera toilet rolls (they were on special offer but would the starfish in Hong Kong suffer?), I found out it is open 24 hours per day.

April

Lamentably my girlfriend ran off with a one-legged lesbian called Lucrezia to Lithuania.

It was a hell of a month.

They are how living in a ‘neo-minimalist’ (bohemian speak for ‘we don’t actually have any talent’) artists’ commune in Vilnius where they have opened its first Hong Kong Takeaway called ‘Fook Yuu’.

May

Lyndsey very kindly bought me a garden gnome for my terrasse (it is actually a backyard but I know my sister and her husband would collapse with horror at the working class/colonial undertones of this term). I must admit my terrasse was not inspired by Capability Brown. It is, alas, a veritable sea of concrete with just 3 garden gnomes, an anorexic Japanese Maple covered in bubble wrap, with not a tulip bulb in sight.

But she bought me, not just a standard garden gnome with a shovel or wheelbarrow, but a wolf whistling garden gnome which has provided some real mirth with tradesmen and next door neighbours.

June

Inspired by the events of May, I bought some gnome stickers for my wheelie bins (I always did have a penchant for classical art). Constable, Reynolds and Turner would have been proud. Photos can be supplied upon demand.

Cleaned the toilet again.

July

Expanded my knowledge of the French language when informed by Lyndsey that Gauloise Bière is actually pronounced GAZ WAZ. Even the French barman didn’t know this. This may explain why it took so long for my ‘Gaz Waz’ beer to arrive preceded by the entire staff of the bar coming out to my table specifically to inform le stupide Rosbif…. that they proudly stock circa 200 Belgian Beers but not one called Gaz Waz.

Made we wonder, was Napoleon really from a little mining village in West Yorkshire and not from Corsica.  Though not seen any portraits of him leading his troops at Austerlitz whilst wearing a flat cap with his pet ferret perched on top.

Perhaps ‘Not tonight Josephine’ was a misquote? Perhaps Bonaparte really said ‘S*d off yer daft Martinique slapper. I’m off aaht furra cupple o’ pints o’ Gaz Waz (i.e. Gauloise to English-speaking nations) with me mate, that ginger haired f****r Marshal Ney, and Marshal Murat.’

August

The main cultural highlight of my year. Some people discover God, tulip bulbs, a hambuger joint in deepest, darkest Borneo, snorkelling with scallops, or opera or ballet.

I discovered something much more profound and satisfying, especially after 8 glasses…

Jenlain Ambrée.

Holy dancing pink elephants. This is almost the same strength as Delirium Tremens.

If they fed this to the starfish in Hong Kong they would not need defending.

September

Bought a strimmer for the garden in my chateau in France. Further expanded my command of the French Language when I learned the French Title for the world’s most ridiculously small beer glass…

Un GALOPIN.

If you do not believe me, check it out on Google. I almost died laughing when le Galopin was served in all seriousness by the barmaid. I think I can safely say that you could drink 400 Galopins and still NOT be over the drink-driving limit in France.

Disaster. The hypermarché in Montmorillon no longer sells Asterix & Obelix Slippers.  Merci Monsieur Disney…

Visisted the crocodile sanctuary at Civray which is next door to the local nuclear reactor which for some reason is a mecca for Arab Tourists…

October

I came top in the Fantasy Football Competition at work during the first week of October and won a £1. I devoted this princely sum to the Scottish Squashed Hedgehog Burial Fund.

Found the greatest cover of a song – ‘Sweet child of mine’ by Taken by Trees.

November

I again came top in the Fantasy Football Competition at work and won another £1. Was going to send it to my sister to save all the scallops in the South China Sea but decided against it: Scallops with Snow Peas and Ginger just taste too good.

December

A mixed month. The zenith being able to download ‘Ice cream for crow’ by Captain Beefheart.

Sadly he died this week. I believe old Don Van Vliet (he was’t a real Captain unless he skippered the El Paso Funky Hombres Darts Team) spent the last 40 years living in the Mojave Desert indulging his passion for abstract art.

My sister would be disgusted. He could have put that time to much more productive use such as planting 600,000 cactus bulbs each year, saving the hugely endangered Mexican Yellowback Screaming Jalapeno Frog (lets’ face it, how many of my non-conservationally correct amigos have ever even heard of this hardy little and much maligned little amphibiano hombre?) or setting up a refuge for abandoned Chihuahuas suffering from eczema and other skin disorders.

Although no mention this year of anyone in my sister’s family in HK eating dog (and I thought stuffed olives were risquée…).  Let’s hope their pet Labrador doesn’t crap on the carpet in 2011….

Also very grateful to be enlightened in my sister’s xmas epistle that the British are the most racist and uncivilised people on earth. This is from someone who has a Filipina domestic slave. Sans ironie.

I think it is a bit unfair to label all the British as racists when Tikka Masala with 2 pappadum is such a popular meal.

Must go in a minute, I have to put out the burning cross in my front lawn. Apologies for sany speling errorz it is verry hard seeing teh keyboard through teh little eye slits in my white hood.  Probably made by some starving, oppressed, poverty sticken unskilled labourer in Manila. Don’t know what they pay them but they should halve it…. the quality of their goods is so shoddy.

Yet I do, in all seriousness, regard myself as being quite liberal, sophisticated and civilised.

For example, I’d like to see Britain bring back, and Australia introduce, public hangings, prison hulkships on the Thames, bear baiting, debtors jails, fox hunting, cock fighting, good looking members of the Royal Family, witch burning, slavery, the Crusades, the plague, burning Protestant Heretics, public flogging, Hovis Bread, hard labour in prisons, and tormenting the inmates in Bedlam by tickling their feet with feathers.

Just for fun.

Taken up Krav Maga and, as a result, have decided in the event of World War 3, I’m siding with the Israelis. Will they take Catholics?

Buying 300 fridges in the sales to do my bit for increasing carbon emissions and bring back global warming. It has been down to -28 celcius in the UK during the past month…

Found a superb new real ale pub in Leeds called ‘The Hop’. Owned by the Ossett Brewing Company. Outstanding. But not sure if ‘Ye Olde Headhunter’s Arms’ in deepest darket Borneo sells Ossett Beers.

Wishing you a Merry Xmas and Happy New Year,

Ricardo