The Pig’s Arms welcomes our new North American Correspondent

Miss Pistol Palin

Hiya everyone! I’m Pistol Palin from Alaska and I’m proud as punch to be the new official North America correspondent for the The Pig’s Arms (I can’t wait to try one of them famous pink drinks)

Now before you even go ahead and ask “no” I’m not related to the ex-governor of Alaska and all-round super woman, Sarah Palin. People up here would laugh at that because it’s a well known fact that Palin is a real common name in Alaska, as common as Smith is in the lower 48, or Chong is in China, or Hitler is in Germany. No, seriously doesn’t it make you sad to think that there are probably thousands of little boys in Germany who are nothing like Obama at all but still get teased every day just because of their name!

Anyway, I know that people all over the world look up to Sarah Palin and I’m not saying I don’t (of course I do, duh) but still my bestest hero in the whole world is my own mom, Sara! She taught me everything I know! She showed me how to shoot and skin a moose, how to make beaver pie and caribou stew, how to drive a dog sled team and how to keep my truck running all winter. Love you mommy! But Pistol Palin’s America is about more than the great state of Alaska because you see in my capacity as the National spokesperson for the Abstinence Now and Forever Foundation I’ve had the opportunity to travel all over and see lots of things and meet lots of Tea Party Patriots.

There’s just so much that I want to share. About things that can make America great again. About things that can fix the whole world and that’s my hope. My hope is that soon we won’t be just talking about how great is it to live in Pistol Palin’s America we’ll be talking how amazing is Pistol Palin’s World!

Boo too Obamacare!

It is a super great day in My America! The brave super smart godfearing Republicans in the senate house (yay!) have unanimousely repealed the job-destroying Obamacare Health (so called) Plan. (boo!)

Obama (double boo) and his communist croneys wont be able to give free doctor care to lazy welfare mothers and illegal Mexicans and make good Americans like me pay for hundreds of millions of abortions a year and peddle free drugs to drug addicts. Also, no old grannys and pappies will have to go before a death panel and have some high priced Washington insider lawyer decide weather they should die or not.

Take that Nancy Pelosi! (boo times infinity) Go back to Soviet Russia where you belong! I am sooooo glad you got fired and that nice Mr Boehner got your old job. He is so much more better a speaker than you it’s not even funny. Anyone can tell how much he cares about America because he cries about it all the time. Have you ever cried about America, Nancy Pelosi? Only about their not being enough taxes I’m sure! The only time Nancy Pelosi cries is when she has to look at herself in the mirror (because she’s so ugly).

Speaking of ugly…I’ll tell you what is ugly with a capital U and 2 double Gs…the job-destroying spending binge Obama has been on for the last two and a bit years! All it has done is leave America with nothing but the most historic unemployment and the most hugest debt in the history of the world and he wasn’t even born in this country. That’s what you all get for voting in an African as president! Go back to Kenya Obama! (boo boo boo)

But now for some of the good news I promised America. Guess what? I’m going to be on another TV show! This ones called “Dancing With The Tea Party Patriots!” I’m going to be paired with Brain Darling (can you imagine – how dreamy is that?) but I am sure to face a BIG challenge from Christine O’Donnell who has only been paired with Tea Party co-founder and all round heartthrob Mark Meckler (as if she wasn’t popular enough already!). The awesome Sarah Palin is going to be one of the judges but even though we are both from Alaska and have the same last name even she might have to vote for the O’Donnell/Meckler team. After all, wasn’t it O’Donnell who proved that teaching sex education in schools was just plain and simply wrong? She pointed out that if kids get comfortable talking about personal yucky things to there teachers, “then suddenly talking to that stranger with candy on the playground is not so creepy.” I know I never talked to anyone about how to do sex and I did just fine! Little Colt is doing great by the way…thanks for asking! I saw him just last week when I was back home during a break from my “Abstinence Now and Forever” speaking tour.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Here’s something my mom used tell me all the time before family shooting time. She’d say: The only thing that can protect us from bad people with guns is good people with more guns! I don’t know that I ever heard a more smarter thing in my whole life.

Until next time…See ya 4 now!

Pistol

Stay Loud and Proud America!

EDITORS COMMENT

As noted by the author herself, Pistol Palin should NEVER be confused with Bristol the daughter or Sarah Palin and world’s most famous teen mother who has since become an abstinence speaker. It is important to note that for one thing Bristol is NOT scheduled to appear on Dancing With The Tea Party Patriots (although she did do quite well on Dancing With the Stars)

OTHER IMPORTANT NOTES:
Nancy Pelosi is the ex-speaker of the house. She was the driving force behind getting Obama’s Health Care plan through the house and senate. She is currently the most hated woman in America…having recently wrestled the crown away from Hillary Clinton.

John Boehner in the new Speaker of the House. He is solidily right of right, has a bright orange tan and has broken down and cried numerous times on TV since becoming speaker – especially when discussing America, the flag, puppies or brave fighting men overseas.

Christine O’Donnell nearly won the Delaware Senate Seat even though Delaware is a traditionally liberal state and O’Donnell is an ultra-right-winger who used to be a witch but who now rallies Tea Partiers against sex-education (she says, for instance, that maturbation is adultery). She also is a staunch creationist; all in all you’re typical Tea Party Patriot.

Brian Darling is a brilliant Tea Party strategist. Enough said.

Mark Meckler is the co-founder of the Tea Party (the most powerful political force outside the NRA since the Moral Majority)
The Tea Party is against any taxes or the government doing anything about anything ever – except for banning abortion, going to war, putting prayer in schools, and, of course, making guns freely available to any god fearing American. Tea Partiers believe that the US Constitution is a sacred document passed down from Jesus to the founding fathers. They also believe that the 2nd Ammendment – the right to bear arms – is the only really important part to worry about. Tea Party is, of course, all in favor of limitless military spending.

Tea Party Theme Song is: War! What is it good for? Huh! Absolutely America!