Tags
Australia, cricket, Father O'Way, fiction, humor, humour, science fiction
I have a meeting with Gordon about the mission. “So Gordon, more baked beans? And what about the ICCB (Intergalactic Cricket Control Board)?” I’m asking this from my previous encounter with the last experiment that I had unwittingly become part of.
“No beans this time Sandy and don’t worry about the ICCB since you knocked out both of their Death Balls you could say that they’re neutered.”
“So Gordon are you saying that the ICCB hasn’t got any balls?”
“Yes Sandy, the ICCB is ball – less however the Stumponians are well armed. Nothing the Helvi-tastic can’t handle and oh, yes, your farcical powers” says Gordon with that mischievous grin and a chuckle that freezes your blood.
“Reset the expiry date on the card and that’s it. Oh, and get the Holy Bail. Oh and get the cards back from those Haggin’s, oh and say gidday to Axelrod the Marauder. Hmm, I think that’s it. The navcom has been programmed, take the wavetable after Pluto” rambles Gordon.
“Who is Axelrod the Marauder?” I ask stupidly knowing it will be something horrible. I mean the name is a dead give away. Should I call myself Sandy the Nice Bloke, hmm, don’t think so.
“He’s the keeper of the Bails. You will have to fight him I suppose” Gordon answers rather nonchalantly. Gee great, thanks Gordon. This is a joke, a farce. Just as that thought pops into my head the glass of water on the table in front me smashes to smithereens, oh no, the farce.
“Yes Sandy you must use the farce, may the farce be with you”
“And with you”
“Go the farce has ended”
“Thanks be to Gordon”
*******************************************
I teleport aboard using my SPIT(Small Personal Interplanetary Teleporter) and meet up with the crew who are all in the local, The Bats Droppings, for a reunion drink. The navcom who we call Neville has come as his dog form but all the regulars are here. Michael the publican pours me a pint of Trotters. Al Foyle, the Garrison Commander is in deep discussion with Helvi, about killing Stumponians probably.
Dave the guitar droid is playing some Muddy Waters and George is betting on the dish lickers. Belinda grasps my arm “Strange being back in space Sandy, isn’t this exciting” Well, yes, no, maybe.
“Yes, exciting” I hear myself say. “Where’s this planet, Automaticus Terllericus?”
“Orbits a star called Aldebaran, only 65 light years away, shouldn’t take long” replies Belinda with the excitement rising in her voice. “And don’t worry, me and Helvi will deal with axle grease or what ever his name is. We are a bit of a team us two.” What’s this now, warrior droid plus warrior woman? Scary stuff.
Now let me tell you, space is big, I mean, it’s bigger than big, it’s huge. Isn’t it amazing, big and huge are such small words to describe such a big thing as space. Anyhoo the ships engine doesn’t have a known top speed. It just keeps accelerating till the navcom tells it to stop and so by the time I have finished writing this sentence I will be thousands of kilometres away from where I was when I started.
So the Stumponians, who are they? Belinda and I head to the Cruel Room to get briefed on who we are up against. Oh, the Cruel Room is a four dimensional multimedia centre where the walls and floor all go one colour, invisible. It makes you think you are sitting on the outside of the ship, the S.S Julian II, or the Jules for short.
Stumponians love balls we are told. Throughout their year they have Red Balls that last for five days and White Balls that just go for a day. And there’s a rumour going round that they are going to have a new ball that just lasts three hours or so, I mean can you believe that? I can’t and I’m the author. Imagine anything that goes for five days, boring.
There’s singing, dancing, classical music, fine food and wine and art displays. Apart from that they are highly militarised and love fighting. Strange hey. They protect The Stumps that holds the Holy Bail which belongs to Gordon.
“Look Belinda, there’s just one thing I’d like to know” I ask rather meekly.
“What’s that Sandy?”
“Well, you know in the earlier part of this story I found out that you weren’t my sister, thank Gordon, but the evil Lord Deaf Vision was my father. So am I going to find out that I’m related to a Stumponian or what, I mean my nerves are killing me?”
“Yes Sandy” Belinda informs “Alexrod is your brother who in a previous life went by the name, David”
“Oh zark, me fight David, never! He’ll kill me”
Sorry, I’m late to the crease again, Hung.
Coming to you live from bed 10.1.B of the SAN with my newly rebored nose. A little day surgery over now,
but a bit difficult to laugh through the ribbon bandage.
Great to have the crew of the Julian II back in harness – top yarn – and a welcome return of the Great Digital Mischiefmaker.
Go hard, Well Hung !
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And another thing! Why are they drinking Trotters in the Bat’s Droppings?
I can’t think of anything appropriate, but will reward a good name, with a free trip: 1st class, in SS.
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Jules that would be IET. Intergalactic Export Trotters.
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I still have fond memories of the cricket being played in 1956 after our arrival in Australia. Boy, oh boy, will cricket ever regain those days and that status?
Keith Miller was selected for the 1956 Ashes tour. The team travelled to England aboard the Himalaya in March. He was not called upon to bowl and scored a duck in the first match against the Duke of Norfolk’s XI at Arundel Castle, a non-first-class festival match, as Australia scraped home by three wickets.
However, on attempting to bowl in the nets in preparation for the first-class fixtures, he felt back pain again and was forced to see a specialist who told him to not bowl for a month because of fractured cartilage. Miller was rested for the opening first-class match against Worcestershire.
For the following match, captain Ian Johnson was rested and Miller skippered the Australians against Leicestershire. The hosts were bowled out for 298 and Miller opted not to bowl himself during the match because of injury. Coming in at 3/175, Miller combined in two double-century partnerships. He put on 230 for the fifth wicket with Peter Burge (99) and 203 for the sixth wicket with Ron Archer (88). He ended with his highest first-class score of 281 not out, striking 35 fours and a six in six and a half hours of batting. Australia compiled reached 6/694 when time ran out and the match ended in a draw.
After being rested in the following match against Yorkshire Miller returned to action against Nottinghamshire, where he made 10 before being run out as Australia amassed 8/547. The home side responded with 345 and the match petered out into a draw with Australia at 1/53.
We arrived in February but the team left in March allowing me to listen in at night underneath the blankets so as not to disturb the rest of the family. It was well before transistors so had this huge bakelite radio on short-wave, making things hotter than they already were.
Of course, all that with Smokey Dawson as well. Oy!
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Wonderful memories Gez, thank you. Oy, the opposite to Yo, interesting
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He is a true bullshit artist, our Gez, if truth to be told…
I’ll never ever play ‘dictionary’ with him, he always manages convince everybody that his stories are true…
Yo to your story, yo to WM’s illustration…I did notice the word ‘zark’ was missing…what does it mean?
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Zark is the universal swear word that won’t offend any children who may read this story. This page does have one zark that could be interpreted as fornicate or fornication depending on use.
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Helvi – he IS such a bullshit artist ! An important quality in a writer of stories, I reckon.
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Oy.
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Hmm, the literal opposite of yo, can’t please everyone I suppose.
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Eurt.
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How are the English team going to fare Jules? If they get their best 11 on the park they should do pretty well. I don’t think the summer efforts are too much to dwell on due to injury.
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I only watch 5 day cricket. Is that the world cup format?
If it’s not I’ll snatch a few moments.
I mean one doesn’t play 1 hour tennis.
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Sorry I asked
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Nicely timed Hung, just in time for the World Cup.
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I don’t think we will win this time Algy, changing of the guard. How about you?
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Watching some of those balls turning a right angles. I suspect your right but it will be close.
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Thank Jebus, I mean, Gordon O’Donnell.
Great work, Sister HOO!
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Yes, the sisterhood reigns
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Wonderful! Another classic episode Hung! And another great graphic from Warrigal too… Yo!
🙂
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Thanks mate
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