We drop in to the Mire, that’s the planet the Haggins’ live on, on the way to meet Alexrod, convenient hey. Mire revolves around a star called god knows what. God Knows What is around about the size of the sun. Don’t just some things run in your favour when you are out in space, fantastic.
So Gordon has told me that the Habits, that’s the Haggins tribal name, believe in magic, you know, goblins and sorcerers and all that airy fairy nonsense that we all know ain’t true however some folk, some planets do. The Habits live in Inhobitable. They are always having parties, loud music and of course plenty of ale. Sound like my kinda guys however Habits are smaller then us so things are a bit cramped for us apes on Mire. Gordon suggested I try a 3 wishes deal with the Habits to test the water. You know, one the two then the punch line. So okay lets try.
“So Throwdough, you like the party time hey, must go through a lotta beer?” I ask with great interest, well sort of.
“Lots of beer Sandy” he replies.
See the beer on Mire is called Oink Lager and the name says it all. Tastes like bats piss but hang on what does bats piss actually taste like? Yuck! And what sort of person would drink bats piss? I think I might change the subject, I’m feeling ill and I’m the one writing this.
“Look, on my planet we have this great technology. You just chuck this in here, fill with water and it makes beer, 25c per 375 ml bottle, waddya say?” I pitch like a car salesman on Parramatta Road.
“Just this stuff and water, Sandy is that right?” replies Throwdough. “Well, hmm, well, no, hmm, hmm no, no oh no, hmm, oh no, I’ll have two more of them.”
So with that Throwdough and Dildough handed over their cards. We left minus six home brew kits, oh and enough supplies to last them a century. I’m sure though the Habits will do as much as they can with addictive substances.
Back onboard the Julian we now start to head for Automaticus Tellericus, reset the password on the One Card and grab the bail. Easy for sure, well not really. Meeting my brother is going to be very interesting.
“I’ve ordered the Vivienne 59 for tea Sandy” chirps Belinda who walks in with Helvi.
“Hi Helvi, kill anyone today?” I quip hoping it’s taken in jest.
“No but if you want me to” grins Helvi.
“Anyhoo, what’s a Vivienne 59?” I request
“Some blokes name Ross Jogan, you know, curry it’s your favourite” says Belinda.
“Ready to fight Sandy or still shaking at the knees?” declares Helvi
Dave the Guitar Droid goes “Hey, It’s. Shakin All Over”
“When you move in a-right up close to me
That’s when I get the shakes all over me
Quivers down my back bone
I got the shakes in my thigh bone
I got the Quivers in my knee bone
Shakin’ a-all over”
“Well perhaps not Dave” I say rather limply “ but a good rendo.”
“Girls, battle plans okay, lets go.” I float and with that the battle council gathered. They are well armed and well trained. Us’, well, we are just a pack of losers. However we have the Julian, the best spaceship in the galaxy but not necessary in the universe. Lets try and overlook that. This is complex fiction and I don’t want to lose you.
Helvi and Al Foyle with Catherine and Neville take charge. Ships are launched and deflector shields are activated. We are on silent mode. The ship runs on minimum power. Warrigal, the chief sensor, is flashing his torch at his tranny trying to get some sort of
positive response, under the quilt, late at night, yeah. Noise of any kind a this time is not welcome. I can’t help myself and I take my part in all this very seriously, as you all know, none more dedicated than me, oh yes. So I says, you know, I says, you know, to the command group “Hey listen, I need to fart, but, look, you know silent is deadly” I announce to the delight of the crowd.
The Command group is thrown in to Chaos, “Oh, no, Sandy wants to ffffaaarrrtttttt’……”
Central Computer calling…..
Look I’ve told you, there is a warning of some description. !!!
Look, don’t keep pressing the escape key, it won’t help. !!!!
I’ve issued a bloody warning what else do you want?
I think I’ll shut down.