Licky licky goo goo
Hi, look Father O’Way here. I’m really miffed. The Bish, you know Bishop Bishop of the St Generic Brand Church of Inner Western Cyberia has got the audacity to ring me in the Caribbean on my holidays with the beautiful Belinda to do a job.
Anyhoo, enough whingeing. I have to go and find out what is going on behind the scenes in the Australian cricket team. Apparently the selectors have been dumped and everyone hates Greg Crapell, I mean, is this the bleeding obvious or what.
So I fly to Sri Lanka, you know the home of the paradise island, tea, coconuts and rocket launchers. Geez, thanks Bish.
Using some suspicious white powder, some green looking dried vegetable and gold bars I work my way into the inner sanctum of Australian cricket, the bar.
As usual all of the players have finished their lines, cocaine usually and are chatting around the bar.
“Did you all hear old chaps that Greg Crapell will be staying on for the tour?” I asked the group of players.
Ah f#@k, s@#t, p@#s, Geez a@#s were some of the more notable replies.
“What do think Greg can add to the team?” Geeps, who are my script writers, I’ll get killed for this.
F@#k all, he’s absolutely s#@t from a alpaca, for f@#k sake burn him at the stake and he doesn’t even eat meat, eeeewwww, were some of the more common answers.
“You have won the first test and would be confident going into the next match. I see that a former groundsman has been capped and did well, what are your thoughts on this?” Man, I’m shitting my self asking this one, I mean these guys are on coke, pissed, rich, ego centric, fit, aggressive, nasty, win at all costs sort of dudes.
F@#king good on ‘im mate, geez them wops are p@#s weak, can’t beat a f@#king groundsman, a@#s lickers mate, again were some of the more notable comments.
“Do you think Greg Crapell is the sort of guy that attracts lots of # symbols and @ symbols?” I venture rather nervously. This crowd is getting ugly.
F@#king oath, you bet you a@#e and F@#k you uncle, again were more of the notable replies.
Father O’Way here. Signing out, in his lounge room, Nowhere, I hope….
Father O’Way, I wonder where you might go with a pen as erudite. 🙂
Thanks for the laugh, Brother Hung.
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Hung I’ve always though that Cricket was a game played by gentlemen.
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Me too, algy, I thought they were the gentlemen of sport….the Lords, according to Funston 🙂
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Yes me too but what was the name of the English gentleman that wasn’t allowed to be given out?
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Grace, I think Hung.
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Algae’s quite right, Hung, it was WG Grace, as I remember, though what the WG stood for Gord only knows… Smart money is on ‘William’ for the ‘W’ though… The story goes that he was the kinda batsman who would make Don Bradman look like the average schoolboy batter…
But one day, in a complete surprise, he was bowled out for a duck… Just as the bowler was yelling ‘Owzat!’ WG yelled at him ‘Not out!’ and when the bowler complained that he’d hit the centre stump (or maybe it was an LBW… I dunno exactly ’cause I’m making it up as I go…) WG said, “Don’t be silly man… these people (WG ALWAYS drew HUGE crowds) have come to watch me bat! Not to watch you bowl!” (This last quote IS historically accurate, I believe…)
That’s my one ‘cricketing’ story, Hung… the only one I could ever be bothered to listen to, let alone remember, not so much for the game-play, but for the ‘one-upmanship’, Grace was SUCH a character! Once (indeed, now that I come to think of it, probably on his very next appearance) he turned up with a bat that was both longer and wider than the wicket… Nothing in the rules (back then, at least) about bat size, you see…
Okay, so that’s TWO cricket stories… I’m trying to find inspiration for HH… so I’m dredging up my very last brain cell to check out what’s in there…
😉
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Far out.With stuff and shit, jus reckon I’ll have to get the low down on shit and stuff, like I’m just so ripe for the cricket, who’ll gives a bat’s fuck and stuff when all they’ll do is come on boats in boards shorts and shit. What’s the score and stuff?
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Priceless!
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Wot about the gouvvermint, innit?
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And doesn’t even eat meat! Wow he must be a wimp. Bloody effeminate bastard. He probably votes green too!
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If God had meant us to be vegetarians why did he invent butchers? [Quote from Aunty Jack]
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It’ll be all over in three days at this rate hung. 114 runs behind with all wickets in hand at stumps.
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It’s our brilliant selectors and of course Greg Chappel that made all the difference [tongue firmly planted]
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Omar Musa says in one of his slam poems that ‘we grew wearier, not wiser. We grew older, but not up’. How would you define this generation as developing differently from previous generations, and what effect do you think this will have on the future of not just Australian, but global society?
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Wow Voice, I simply don’t know what to say except apparently test matches can last for up to five days 🙂
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I don’t understand this cricket language, maybe it’s best I don’t ask for a translator 🙂
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I f#@ing don’t either!
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I’m going tell Sir that Big M said a dirty word, yes you did, you said ‘f#@ing’
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Now who was it recently on this site said “and we never hear a bad word from Big M…” so yes please tell Sir
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Hung, I think i said (meant to say) that Big M has not said a NASTY word, he has said plenty of NAUGHTY words tho, but not as many as gez 🙂
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No. I think most of the naughty words come from me, Viv and Gez, language of the people.
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Thanks for the compliments, yes, I DO say plenty of effin’ naughty words, but strive to avoid nastiness. I reserve that for watching the commercial news (which I strive to avoid).
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Crikey, Hung… now I know I’d better pull my @#*&ing finger out and write the next episode of HH!
🙂
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I’m sure it will contain much mirth and the usual multiple twists
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Did you get your dongle back?
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Just unwrapped it and was about to send an email. Thank you Lord Funston, you are most kind. The card will come in handy as I have been very unwell of late and have been unable to work. I am one of those lucky ones that doesn’t get paid when not working a.k.a. a casual however the offset is a higher hourly rate. I hope you get lots of enjoyment from the dongles contents and if I get any more stuff that you would interested in I will forward them on. Thanks once again. Mark.
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Yo.
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Eventually…
😉
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