OK, it was a mistake to think that using the paddles of life was a good idea on a cat having a heart attack.

Well, it was an honest mistake.  Foodge really did think he was having a heart attack. No, I mean BEFORE Foodge applied the paddles of life.

How was the private dick to know that cats go all dramatic when they’re trying to cough up a fur ball.  It wasn’t his fault.  He was only trying to help.

“What’s that smell downstairs, dear” ?

“It’s nothing”

“It smells like something’s burning”

“I think it’s a moth in the halogen light”.

“No, I mean it really stinks – kind of like burnt fish – no wait, a seal caught crossing a hotplate”.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about”.

Descending the stair, curiosity was about to kill the attempted saviour of the cat.  “WTF !!!”  she said.

“Uuhhm, I think George is looking a bit off his Snappy Tom”.   “A BIT !!!  A BIT !! He’s fuckin’ toast.  WHAT HAPPENED ?

“Well, I noticed that he was lying there doing these little jump and jive impressions.  I thought he was having a heart attack……. and …….”  “And so you went and got the jumper leads and clamped them on his chest……. ”  ” And WHAMMER-JAMMER”  “The thing is, he didn’t start, did he ?  Nope, he zipped and zapped and ……

“Look, let’s put a positive spin on this.  No more spraying in the house !  That’s a good thing “!  You could have cut the silence with a stone axe.  We were not amused.  Well, I was secretly a little amused but thought it wise to not display such callous disregard for the sanctity of feline life.  And the impending extinction of a minor blip on the private eye radar.

Foodge thought it wise to remove the evidence from line of sight.  While it was true that George was a major pain in the arse, it was also true that he was FM’s cat for a bit over a decade and although I had never quite warmed to the way he’d bring home his mousy / ratty nocturnal safari trophies – or maybe just a kidney or the back half of a torso, it was clear to me that FM HAD warmed to George’s little peccadilloes.  Foodge used an old towel to wrap this toasty little corpse and withdrew the former George from the back verandah.  And he discretely stowed the offending electronics.

By the back fence rested a row of greenish grey plastic yard chairs, bleached by years of exposure to the scorching rays of the inner west cyberian solar system.  Foodge placed G on the middle chair and withdrew to the house to take his abuse.

It was some hours before Foodge faced the daunting task of disposing of the corpse.  There was a choice between a private burial in the yard (not advised since Kali the dog had a reputation for Austro-Sino excavations in pursuit of subterranean protein), casual laying to rest in a back lane equivalent of a Tibetan sky burial – where the roles of vultures were acted by the local council collectors, or an extended procession to the skip in the Seven Eleven car park.

But lo, as Foodge approached the row of chairs, the body was nowhere to be seen.  It was a miracle.  Foodge made customary inquiries with the Dog.  She was coolly nonchalant and acted like she had no information.  Foodge checked the back lane.  The usual refuse and one junkie shooting up – but no George.  Foodge managed only a cursory peek into the Seven Eleven skip.  After all, it was not a useful addition to a private dick’s CV to be seen scouting for accommodation before dusk.

Curious.  Foodge pictured an exchange with the local vet.  “After I attached the jumper leads …… “.  No, that wasn’t going to work.  There was only one option.  To go back and try to appease the by now explosive FM.

“I’m very sorry, Aunty FM”.  “I know you are, dear.”  FM had resigned herself to the extinction of the in-house sprayer and was warming to the notion that no more of her curtains would spend more time in the dry cleaners than on the lounge room curtain rods.  There was some other small compensation – the accident had also put an end to the payments FM and Emmjay made on the Vet’s yacht.

One day passed.

As was his wont, Foodge rose at the crack of a quarter past ten and went straight to the front porch to collect his copy of Private Dick Daily, resplendent as usual on the Welcome mat.  “Meow” said the murraya in the concrete urn by the fence.

“It’s a miracle”, shouted Foodge.  Aunty FM, Aunty FM, it’s George !  I guess he’s down to 8 lives !  It’s George !  Back from the dead.  Foodge was convinced that George had some celestial recuperative experience and that there would be pilgrims any minute to witness the miracle of the Inner West.

George was non-plussed.  He jumped out of the concrete urn, turned on his heel, strolled across the hearth, down the hall, up to the drapes, reversed and raised his tail, did the shimmy and headed for the kitchen, secure in his remarkable territory and certain of a hearty breakfast of hard and wet  foods.