Category Archives: Emmjay

Pig-Tel's Christmas Wonderland

10 Tuesday Dec 2019

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For the Pet who has everything…

This year, Pig-Tel kicks off the Christmas spendfest with one of our all-time great pieces of completely useless shit..

The Pug-Tel automatic ball tosser – for the tosser who’s too lazy to bother throwing a ball for Rover / Rex / King / Rinty to fetch.

Yours for a modest $399 … batteries not included ….. solar powered model, complete with solar powered dog out soon. Free upgrades guaranteed.

Optional Petguard health insurance for the pooch who runs out before the batteries do…… just $39.99 per month*

*Covers 15% of your vet bills if you can come up with a sworn affidavit from a supreme court judge or QC.

Sadly, punters, this shit actually exists ! Kind off explains the last election result, doesn’t it….

Hip Hop for Seniors – and Cultivation Rap

25 Monday Nov 2019

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The front line lady WITHOUT the cane at the start …. is 96, yo !

Story and Post by Emmjay

OK, well, I have to admit that I personally cannot stand rap music – I hesitate to call it music at all – especially that misogynist shit, but this hip hop clip inspired me to look and listen to rap from a senior perspective.

It strikes me that the kind of rap coming out of black ghettos in the so called United States is every kind of bad. But I thought, maybe if the topic was not so much violence against gangsta hoes but a topic closer to senior sensibilities, we could be onto some kin d of connection that might drag the fans of Ray Coniff Orchestra and Geoff Harvey’s Big Band (the late great Geoff Harvey … or was it Jeff ?) into the 21st century.

So, for your pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Cultivation-Rap.

C-Rap for Gardeners. (language warning).

I hate them fuckin aphids
Fuckin aphids, fuck eh,
Me an my crew gunna fuckin squash dem to a pulp
Fucken aphids, fucken aphids yo

An dem dirty fucken snails is de worstest fucken bugs
We’s gunna salt dair fucken arses
An squash dair fucken mugs.

We gunna shovel on some cow shit
Ta make de roses grow but mainly coz it pisses off

the fucken neighbours, yo  ep. ep. ep. yo.

Evictions R Us

24 Sunday Nov 2019

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The Latest from Pig-Tel Franchises. Get in at the Ground Level

Hey there mug punters, astute investors, what with the economy tanking and the rope a dope dipshit robodebt Centrelink Nazis running the roost, there’s never going to be a better time than this to get in at the ground level.

Pig-Tel is offering you, for the modest investment of $15,000 a fully paid-up franchise in our Evictions-R -Us Corporation.

We have an unlimited number of grubby landlords eager clients who need your services.

Bring your truck, muscles, a huuuuge and not too bright – but trainable – mate called Wayne or Bilal and your skills and knowledge of the midnight dumping industry …. And $15,000 in cash to the Pig-Tel Corporation Offices (in the rear of Rosies’ Tattoo Emporium and House of Pain – opposite from the Pig’s Arms and we’ll guarantee you a business opportunity that will never look back (not if it knows what’s good for it).

And remember our motto “Look, mug, if you had of paid the fucken rent, you wouldn’t be being chucked out on your arse…. Don’t give me that shit about you’ll be good on pension day… we’re past that, arsehole”.

Stop Press !!! Evictions R Us is offering a special premium franchise for rural operators ! Get into our office – and don’t get burnt !

HRT

22 Friday Nov 2019

Posted by in Emmjay, Foodge Private Dick

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Simulated picture of Granny – not to scale.

Story by Emmett

Big ? Yes, Foodge. Big, You know a bit about women’s health, don’t you ? A bit, yes, Foodge. What’s troubling you ?

It’s about Granny. What is it about Granny, Foodge ? Well, she’s not herself. In fact she’s, um, er, quite a lot crankier than she usually is.

Really ? Yes, and she, um, er, is a bit, you know, demanding – in an um , er, you know, wink wink kind of way. Just saying.

Go on. Well, she went on some kind of HRT thing and I’m a bit worried that something’s not quite right.

So how did that come about, Foodge ?

Well, she went to see her women’s business doctor and he gave her a bunch of hormone pills. And as I was saying, Big, she’s not been herself – but she does seem to be turning into some bloke she met at … you remember when Merv had that mixed marital arts competition in the tent in the carpark… it was after that. And he said that he could get her the hormone pills a lot cheaper than from the Cook’s River Compounding Pharmacy.

” I see” said Big. “And is she working out ?” Yes, I think so, I don’t reckon she’s got this way by eating wedges and tidying up the Farrowing Crate Merlot leftovers.

“No, I guess not” said Big

How to Understand Shit

29 Tuesday Oct 2019

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,

Dear Patrons de la Salle de Porc,

Most of the time I am overwhelmed by the massive global turd fest and the powerful drive to right wing governments all over the fucking world.

FM and I have stopped watching the news on TV especially – which is what Germans would have done in the 1930s – if TV had been invented then. But I imagine with no knowledge of the topic that the presses were already polluted by the shit purveyed by our very own export fascist Merdeoch.

Fortunately some dude with a suspiciously kiwi accent has assembled a montage of Ken Loach and Stuart Lee putting to the sword the exceptionally difficult “fucked if you do, fucked if you don’t” issue of Brexit.

There is a brief reference from the narrator about some of Ken Loach’s work – that bears further exploration.

There, my friends, go at it !

Lots of fond regards

Emm.

John Steinbeck

19 Saturday Oct 2019

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Post by Emmjay

Hi FoPAs. (Friends of Pig’s Arms)

When I was kid in primary school and later (as it so often turns out) in high school and university, I became an avid reader of John Steinbeck’s short stories.

My favourite, I think was Cannery Row set in Monterey and written around Steinbeck’s best friend, the marine biologist John Ricketts. The story is so beautifully written that I swear the pages are redolent of the fish passing through the cannery.

I was blissfully unaware that Steinbeck won the Nobel Prize for literature, joining another of my favourite writers – Hemingway

I visited Monterey many years ago in search of my hero, but it was a rushed trip and I was heading for home, down the fabled Ventura Highway from San Francisco to Los Angeles and then flying back to Sydney. As the documentary says, Steinbeck is now a celebrated son of Salinas County but it was not always so. The good burghers of Salinas had a history of burning his books for the crime of describing the famers as exploiting their workers – the Mexican fruit pickers and Oakies fleeing the dustbowl of the south eastern states.

It was not uncommon for Republicans to describe Steinbeck as a communist and while he no doubt had leftist sympathies, I doubt that he was a card carrying comrade.

But Steinbeck is big tourist business nowadays and all is apparently forgiven.

I hope you have the time and inclination to watch the documentary – and enjoy it as much as I did.

Cheers,

Emmjay