Posted by Therese Trouserzoff | Filed under Emmjay
Cairns Alfresco
07 Friday Dec 2018
Category Archives: Emmjay
A Fireside Chat with Mr Morrison
28 Wednesday Nov 2018
Posted in Emmjay
(Photo by Graham Denholm/Getty Images borrowed with thanks)
An intimate interview with the PM – by Emmjay
Sco Go the Sharkies.
Emm: Yes, good, thank you Mr Morrison.
Sco: They were great weren’t they !
Emm: If you say so, Mr Morrison.
Sco: And I do say so, mate.
Emm: Mr Morrison, what’s your reaction to the Victorian election result ?
Sco: Call me Scomo. Go the Sharkies.
Emm: Mr Morrison, the Victorian election ?
Sco: We was robbed. Did you catch that ref ? I mean his seeing eye dog should do the one-way trip to the vet.
Emm: The Victorian election ?
Sco: Sorry, you were saying ?
Emm: Mr Morrison, I was asking you for your take home message on your reaction to the Victorian election result.
Sco: There was loose talk that we didn’t have a prayer – but I did one for them and I cried a bit.
Emm: … and ?
Sco: Well, well, nothing happened.
Emm: So, divine intervention was a fizzer ?
Sco: What church do you go to, son ?
Emm: I play third ukulele at St Generic’s Brand.
Sco: Well, son, I think it was probably your fault. Ya have to play in key and in time.
Emm: Sorry, I’ll try harder in the next election. Who’s having that again ?
Sco: Somebody told me that. No, wait… I think there’s some snags ordered for the Happy Clappers of Shark Park.
Emm: Close, Mr Morrison. It’s the NSW election in March next year.
Sco: How’s our form there ?
Emm: I believe that the verdict is still with the TV ref.
Sco: Will there be Sharkies contesting ? Go the Sharkies !
Emm: Indeed, Mr Morrison.
Sco – checking his mobile phone “It will be fought on local issues”
Emm: Like Wentworth ?
Sco: Australia’s best Prime Minister ? William Charles Wentworth. I used to call him Bill. My mate Bill.
Emm: He died even before your little dust up with NZ Tourism.
Sco: I was robbed. Those ALL Blacks have no understanding of the offside rule.
Emm: They say the Nez Wealand taxpayers was robbed.
Sco: It wasn’t my fault that “Put a shrimp in the hungi” flopped. I mean, what’s a hungi ? Some kind of pagan ritual? Of course, no God-fearing bloke is going to go there for some druid nonsense. Did I tell you that I turned back the boats ?
Emm: From New Zealand ?
Sco: From Shark Park.
Emm: No you didn’t.
Sco: Yeah, I did. Coz I’m fair dinkum.
Emm: Was Malcolm fair dinkum ?
Sco: Who did he barrack for ?
Emm: I have no idea. Does he barrack at all ?
Sco: There you have it. Not like David Steinbergstein.
Emm: The former candidate for Wentworth ?
Sco: Bill ?
Emm: No, the proposed candidate for Wentworth.
Sco: Sonja ? She was a snappy dresser.
Emm: Yes she was. Mr Morrison, what did the Coalition learn from the Victorian election ?
Sco: Did you realise you just typed “coal” ? I love coal, it’s all black and shiny like my BMW.
Emm: Well the voters of Wentworth didn’t seem too fond of your coal policy.
Sco: Ha ha you just typed coal again ! Twice.
Emm: Was the coalition’s lack of an energy policy or a climate change policy something to do with the Victorian election – I believe the Murdoch press called it a Coalition rout.
Sco: How dare you suggest that the Victorian coalition is routed ! OK, the Sharkies didn’t run, but I prayed for them and I had a little cry too. So, did my minister Pasta Farian.
Emm: Or did it have something to do with the bogus war on South Sudanese youth in Melbourne.
Sco: I have been accused of racism, you know ?
Emm: You don’t say !
Sco: Yeah, although I’m a fair dinkum bloke, I will not abide by street violence. Nobody. Not even people the colour of coal are above John Laws.
Emm: Are you saying that you ARE racist on the black gangs street violence issue ?
Sco: Those dickheads who point to the 40% decline in youth violence in Victoria in the last four years are turning a blind eye. I reckon it’s because South Sudanese youth are hard to see at night.
Emm: So, what was the cause of the Coalition rout in the Victorian election or in the seat of Wentworth – a seat it is alleged that has only ever been in Liberal hands.
Sco: It was a state issue.
Emm: Wentworth is a Federal seat.
Sco: I know that. It’s held by my mate Billy Wentworth.
Emm: Billy’s been extinct for decades and so is his love child Billy McMahon – perpetually voted as Australia’s worst Prime Minister – until he was unseated by Tony Abbott.
Sco: But the Sharkies are great ! Go Sharkies !
Emm: Have you got any tourist tips ?
Sco: Put another shrimp on the barbie !
Emm: Thanks. That’ll be a few million dollars please.
Sco: Sure. The cheque is in the mail.
Emm: Mr Morrison, thanks for your time.
Sco: No worries, anything for a fair dinkum Aussie bloke. Go the Sharkies.
Emm: Oh FFS !
Garbage Man Blues
26 Monday Nov 2018
Posted in Emmjay
Tags
For the lovers of string band music from Emmjay – the wonderful Pokey LaFarge.
Bad Boys of Uke – and Bad Girls too
12 Monday Nov 2018
Posted in Emmjay
Tags
Happy Monday – Friday Night at the Crown Cairns and Sunday Afternoon at Palm Cove.
Pretty Obvious why Emmjay took up the uke 🙂
Democracy – Shamocracy
11 Sunday Nov 2018
Posted in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms
Sunday Rant by Emmjay
Some days I think the whole planet needs a stronger anti-depressant. We humans are doing a pretty shit job – not for the first time either.
Here’s my 2 cents worth. The fact that complete counts* run things and that dickwits like Trump voters – poor people and every female Trump voter clearly did so AGAINST THEIR OWN INTERESTS, shows the massive lie about so-called democracy.
The Greeks did a far better job. Not perfect but better than this shit excuse for government.
In Ancient Greece, not every hominid was allowed to vote. Slaves and women, for example – not fair by today’s standards, but considering the wisdom of universal suffrage is a lot better than just opting for universal suffering.
Nowadays, people who are so dumb as to vote against their own interests do not deserve a vote because they clearly are not fit to have a say in how they are governed.
People buy any old bullshit.
And what do we have here in Australia ? Someone yesterday in the Saturday paper called Morrison “Trump Lite”. And I gather that the happy clapping Christian Scomo – who just suddenly appeared from the bushes while everyone was watching Abbott, was apparently sacked from his previous position of CEO of Tourism Australia for incompetence and dodgy dealing. It takes real talent to fuck up a shrimp on the barbie campaign.
So the Libnats made him Treasurer and then Prime-Minister and we all sat around and let it happen. The “we” is of course inclusive of “Showbag” Bill Shorten. Don’t even mention Luke Foley. FFS !
*remove the vowel of your choosing.
The Raghu Dixit Project
26 Friday Oct 2018
Posted in Emmjay
Post by Emmjay
Had the privilege last year of seeing and hearing Raghu Dixit and his band at the Sydney Opera House – this one raised the roof ! Massive local audience participation and a joyful set !
…. and hear here – some Indian Celtic Bluegrass
Shovelling it #2
25 Thursday Oct 2018
I was going to ask whether you can dig this – but hey – WAAAAY TOO CHEESY ! The great Justin Johnson
OK, pedants – I realise these are spades, but what the heck, they’re a lot easier to play than a fork or a rake 🙂
Pig’s Arms patrons can secure one of these for the musical gardener in your life for a snip – US$400 plus postage A$1,790. Try not to get it dirty and definitely don’t leave it out in the rain – especially plugged in !
Kids OFF ! Everyone OFF ! Libnats Fuck Off !
23 Tuesday Oct 2018
Posted in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms
Rant by Emmjay
Dear patrons of the Pig’s Arms, no surprises that the rich cats of Wentworth gave the Liberal counts the hiding they deserve, but I want to remind everyone that this is early days for the fight for decency.
The good doctor Kerryn Phelps has a very spotty track record as far as things the traditional left might hold dear – she had a flirtation with preferencing the Liberals until somebody pointed out the wackiness of that idea and she dropped them to number ten on her how to vote card. Not low enough, I say.
Helen Razer (possibly the last living Marxist ‘journalist’) on New Matilda wrote a piece titled Pig Shit in reference to Kerryn’s win and highlighted some of Dr Kerryn’s previous achievements. Now, I’m no big fan of Ms Razer, but I reckon she’s more than adequately reminded us that replacing a deposed PM by someone who’s not a Liberal, but a quasi Liberal sympathiser is a very small step for mankind.
Helen Razer gives Kerryn the Big Finger !
It remains to be seen what Dr Phelps can actually achieve before (one hopes) the greatest Libnat thrashing since Federation.
But to finish on a more positive note, how hilarious is it that the Libnats response is to blame the guy they threw down the stairs for not supporting whatever or whoever the Liberal Candidate was ! I mean how stupid are these muppets ? As hopeless as the Libnats made Malcolm Turnbull (admittedly with a lot of participation on his own behalf), he was a million miles in front of Scott Happy Clapper – boat stopper extraordinaire.
And I sincerely hope that Jane Caro runs – and defeats Tony Abbothole in Warringah – I mean 30% of the Liberal party members did not vote for Tony in preselection – but the pissweak bastards stood nobody against him. Let’s hope that other bastion of Liberal voters , like Wentworth rich cats grows some moral spine and ditches the greatest self-interested fascist wrecker since Federation.
end of rant
Mervyn Pervis – Grand Final Hero
02 Tuesday Oct 2018
Posted in Emmjay
Warning: This article contains strong language and a really long sentence that may challenge readers with short atten….. sorry, where was I again ?
Story – as told to Emmjay by his alter ego…. Walter Wall
In late breaking news, it has been revealed that the long-time stalwart and sometime publican of the Pig’s Arms has produced his greatest grand final triumph this last weekend.
The Pig’s Arms team doctor (Dr Fockter of the St Generic’s Brand Practice) revealed in a pressed conference this morning that Mervyn Purvis pulled beers the entire weekend (the season’s busiest piss-up) with a badly fractured reputation scrapula.
It was originally thought that Merv had been shoulder charged by one of the bankers named in the Royal Commission into Banking and Paedo Activity, however in a front page retraction by the Austrian News broadshit, the paper stated that the injury had been sustained when Merv was attempting to change a keg ….. while Manne was being sin-binned for going into touch on purpose. He was apparently going in to touch Granny who was taking a quick nap in the cellar – as is her usual habit. As opposed to Father O’Way’s usual habit – which is of course, hoarse racing. That is, running with a sore throat.
Merv said that he tripped over Manne and Granny in the dimly lit cellar, took flight and busted his shoulder on a keg tap.
Undeterred (as opposed to “under turd”, which is best used to refer to Scott Morrison’s thongs), Merv pressed on and managed to maintain an uninterruptured cruciate ligament flow of crisp foamy Trotter’s Ale for the duration of all the weekend’s grand finals.
Hung One On was quoted as saying “Don’t quote me, but…”. In which case, Big M undertook not to quote him. HOO then said that provided Big M was as good as his word (supercalifragilisticexpialidocious), he (Hung) could (parenthetically speaking) reveal that Merv was one huge mountain of a Manne and had shown bravery above and beyond the call of the beer taps.
Big M was palpably relieved by the fact that HOO had produced nothing quotable at this time. But he was not nearly as palpably relieved as the time Dr Fokter relieved his palps with a round of ring-banding.
When arsed what his view of Merv’s grand final weekend performance, Emmjay might have replied “He gave his all for the Pub Team”. But he really said “I dunno, I wasn’t paying attention – I reckon footy is a fuckin’ waste of time – except that it clears the streets of boof heads for a few hours for half the year – unlike cricket – which clears the streets of flannelled fools for days on end”.
Then he ordered another glass canoe of Trotter’s. Merv winced.
Stewart Lee on Trump
19 Sunday Aug 2018
Posted in Emmjay
This post comes with a language warning
We’re up in Brisvegas this weekend and the paper this morning had a headline shouting that Dutton was making a play for the Prime Minister’s job. What a C-bomb !
On Monday I’m going to find out who to join up with to campaign against the steaming pile of shitty pond scum.
In the meantime, we can draw strength from Stewart Lee’s take on Trump.
Love and peace to all our Pig’s Arms contributors and friends.
Emmjay
