Painting and Story by Lehan Winifred Ramsay

Well I don’t like to mention The Other Place, the one I used to work at. Sometimes its because I start to blow smoke through my ears. But usually its because I don’t have anything good to say, and I feel like a grumpy old Prohibition campaigner. Nor do I like to mention The Other Place where I used to study, because I sometimes feel like the only thing they taught me there is when to put the apostrophe on my its – and that knowledge rests only tenuously in my command of the language.

But some of the students are doing very well. So well that I find myself having to UnFriend them. They have moved into Contentious thoughts and actions. Unlike the general stream of public announcements of ground-breaking research; work I read and snort coffee through my nose, they now have the ability to get me worked up. I am kind. I have learned now that technology researchers don’t like to be upset by unfavourable reviews, and so at the first itching of my fingertips I UnFriend them and liberate them.

Recently one has been involved in ground-breaking research in robotics. That’s really a great indication of the impact of our educational philosophies. When these students first arrived on our doorsteps we showed them our pack of wild robot dogs from Sony, the ones that wagged their tails and yipped before tripping over themselves and lying, little fat legs flailing, on the carpet.

And lo and behold, they’ve made a robot girlfriend. She’s hot, and she’s in huge demand, tirelessly working the Valentines Shift in a department store in Japan, before scooting over to Hong Kong to model her extensive repertoire of facial expressions and blinks in a Pierre & Gilles – like tableau for her many fans there.

It wasn’t, though, until I got word of her latest foray that I became truly aware of the potential in this for me. She went off to the hairdresser, and got a very sexy ‘do. Not only that, but she let someone else decide the style! Imagine that! The girlfriend or boyfriend you always wanted, who will let you take him/her to the hairdresser, and actually let you choose their ‘do! Now there’s my boyfriend! I can take him along to karaoke, he’ll carry the bags of stuff I couldn’t do without, he’ll sit absolutely uncomplaining and listen to every overly-sugary song I want to sing, no complaining, and I can put an absolutely beautific expression on his face after every one of them! Starting off contemplative and curious, of course, and moving to beautific toward the finale.

You know, if you can’t afford the blinking model, you can get life-size dolls for your home now. Not sex toys. Companions. I don’t know if they have any boys yet, but certainly if it’s cute girls you want, you don’t have to suffer to get them, you can just order them online. But if it’s a relationship you’re after, there’s always a game, right? In this case it’s LovePlus, by Konami. You can choose from three animation character cuties, and once you sign up they’ll stick by you thick or thin until the subscription runs out.

Of course you’re going to have to learn commitment. There are certain things you have to do to maintain this relationship. You have to care for her. If you don’t, I’m afraid there will be a little strife between you. No, she’s not going to die, like the tamagocchi chicken. We’ve moved on to a more sophisticated era, here. But you might find that the next time you get back to her, things are not all happy anime music and roses. She’s showing her Sad Face. Or, even, her Angry Face. Daunting. You may have to change models after that. On the other hand, it’s quite worth looking after her. If you do, she’ll send you emails that you can smile over at work. Pet names, stuff like that. Stuff that really is what relationships are about.

I have to say that it could have been worse. Had we shown them a bunch of tamagocchis when they walked in the door, would they now be making – ah – a bunch of augmented reality chickens to help us in our senior years? Had we known about the Great Philip K. Dick headless model, would they have made a bunch of robotic old guys spouting erratic science fiction predictions for the future? With a weakness for sheltering in overhead lockers? At least these girls are going to be quiet.