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The Usual Suspects

Story by the New Hung One On and Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

Hi, Sandy here. You know me, the local parish priest from Inner Cyberia at the church of St Generic Brand. Well yes, I’m on another assignment thanks to the Bish, you know Bishop Bishop. Here’s what happened.

“Sandy, it’s the Bish” says the voice on the phone.

“Hey Bish, I mean, I wasn’t even asleep or having an erotic dream and you rang me just like a normal person would do.” I inform never knowing what mood the Bish will actually be in.

“Like my erections Sandy, I’m getting soft with age” Oh, yuck, too much information.

“How interesting Bish. I’m sure someone out there must care” I reply rather nonchalantly.

“Now look Sandy” states the Bish, “There is something wrong in the good old USA and I want you to check with our North American correspondent, Neville Coal, about what in the hell, pardon Gordon, is going on, comprehende?” affirms the Bish.

“What’s going on about what?” I ask both stupidly and dumbly.

“Zarking Austro-Americans Sandy, get the picture, something has happened to Austro-Americans, get to Neville and find out otherwise you’re fired” barks the Bish.

So I hop a plane to LA and get a cab to the Lizard Bar and Grill, one of Neville’s favourite hideouts. So here is the interview in my usual format.

FOW: So Neville, the Bish tells me something has gone wrong with Austro- American relations. I mean have you guys run out of ghetto blasters or what?

NC: (with panic in his eye) We really shouldn’t be talking here out in the open like this. Quick! Follow me! I know a place where we won’t be recognized. (They run next door to Queen Lateesha Bar and Salon.)

FOW: Look, one thing that has always intrigued me is why all the fuzzy hair?

NC: Oh man! You jump right to the tough questions, don’t you? Wow! I have no idea. Hey Queen! This guy wants to know why all the fuzzy hair?

QL: What you talkin’ bout? Fuzzy hair? I don do no fuzzy hair. The only do I do is strong, black, firm African hair. Fuzzy? You crazy. That’s what you is!

FOW: So is it true that Michael Jackson wanted to be white and had his cock shortened?

NC: Are you asking me or the Queen?

FOW: You.

NC:Hmmm… Well this does happen to be a topic I am well versed in. I have a PPLBJ in Afro-American-Australian studies from the University of the Internet.


NC: Yes. It’s an online degree. 4 days of intensive study – Google searches, Wikipedia, Facebook…the works.

FOW: Sounds challenging.

NC: Brutal. But it only cost me $49.99 plus tax, which I think is a bargain.

FOW: So the Michael Jackson question…

NC: He was the fifth Jackson, right? Sang that song Do Re Me, 1 2 3?

FOW: Let’s move on…

NC: Good idea. Your braids look great by the way. Queen, what does he owe you?

QL: That be only twenty dollar. You practically got no hair at all, Father Sandy…and it’s all weak and limp like…you sure you not using too much shampoo?

FOW: Can we get out of here?

NC: Let’s go to Devito’s, the dirty diner next door. The chicken and waffle pie there is to die for… (They run next door)

FOW:  So Neville, is it true that Danny Devito is really black?

NC: That’s the rumor, yes.  I heard he was blacklisted in the 60s.

FOW: I heard the other day that OJ Simpson regrets being a glass of orange juice. Is this true?

NC: I don’t think so… He called me up recently to sing a heartfelt rendition of “My Way” Regarding regrets, he said he had a few but did not mention anything about orange juice.

FOW: Is Mel Gibson a new wave intellectual or simply a tool?

NC: Oh God! Get down! (They duck under the table – NC whispers) Mel just walked in the door… I’m not sure if he heard you call him a tool but he looked ready for one of his infamous outbursts…and that’s not all…

FOW: (waiting) well…

NC: What?

FOW: You said…and that’s not all… What else is going on?

NC: Mel is with… friends. The whole ratbag pack!

FOW: Who is that?

NC: Father! Have you ever read a gossip column in your life? Every People reader knows who the ratbag pack is… Mel Gibson, Nick Noltie, Randy Plaid, Crispy Glover, Jokein Phoenix, Garee Busee…and, oh Jesus and saints, they’ve added a new ratbag!

FOW: Who?

NC: Actpoorly Sulkin. He’s one crazy-ass muther…excuse the French, father. Wait! I have an idea. Let’s sit up slowly then loudly ask me a question about tools and/or tool use. We have to pretend we are two hardworking handymen. That bunch of ratbags will admire two men talking about hardware. (they sit up slowly) Go ahead. Say something…but act natural f’christsake or we will both leave here with one less testicle…or worse, they’ll want to join us for lunch. Say something, quickly. Mel is giving us the hairy eyeball.

FOW: (loudly) Speaking of tools, can you hand a man a better spanner than a K-Mart special?

Mel Gibson: (butting in drunkenly) Good question, mate! I say you can’t go past a tool from Bunning’s…and I will kick the arse of any bastard who says otherwise! (He pants loudly like a charging bull).

Nick Noltie: Bugger off, Mel! I’m an Ace Hardware man! Ace is the place!

Garee Busee: You guys are busting the one nut I have left! You know Jack Squat Shit about tools. Let’s get even drunker and fight!

Actpoorly Sulkin: (lying on floor) I’m already too drunk to stand but I’ll fight you all night. I just wish I had a five gallon can of paint on a string with me.

Crispy Glover: Here. You can borrow mine.

Actpoorly Sulkin: Thanks Crispy! I don’t care what they say, you are a real pal. (They all start to fight each other.)

NC: Oh Christ, father… You’ve really set them off now. Quick let’s go to the Quik-E Mart. I need some cheese wiz.

FOW: (puffing loudly as they run to Quik-E Mart) Is Olivia Newton-John the best Austro-American singer of all time or should that honour go to Ella Fitzgerald?

NC: Hmm…for my money you can’t go past Dame Dolly Melba-Parton. What a pair of lungs that woman had.

FOW: (in the Quik-E Mart searching for Cheese Wiz) In the movie the Blues Brothers, the white folk wanted cheese wiz, fried chicken and dry white toast. Do you think they were really vegans?

NC: Don’t quote me on this…but I believe that fried chicken in this country now has so little identifiable meat in it that it is considered a vegan meal.

FOW: I rest my case.