Letter and A-Grade sarcasm by Rick le Rosbif AKA Ricardo
To my favourite bloodhounds at BPO Collections,
I did try phoning you again this evening but assume you could not (ironically) find the phone as it rang out for over 20 seconds before I accepted defeat.
So this is just a a short note of appreciation for your latest letter dated 22 February 2013 which was addressed to the phantom Mr Paul Danahay who, for reasons known exclusively to yourselves and Virgin Media, you insist resides at my home at 95 Womble Crescent, Bramley LS13 3NW.
I have to say I admire your dogged persistence in pursuing said scoundrel, who has a share value-shattering unpaid bill of £54.96 owing to Virgin Media, despite my earlier phone calls to the Virgin Media Debt Collections Team and your good selves explaining vainly that he does not reside at this address and never has done in the 9 years 11 months that I have lived here.
That is unless, of course, he is squatting in my cellar in which case I shall set a trap this evening and leave lots of unironed washing out. If I find any of it has been ironed, even just one humble sock, in the morning, then this will endorse your intuition and I shall apologise profusely.
Or he could be hiding in the attic à l’Anne Frank in which case perhaps you could send some former members of the Gestapo round to my house to scour the attic and flush him out though I realise there may not be many left as I would estimate the minimum age of any surviving members to be at least 90. It would be futile sending any ex-Gestapo members if they have zimmer frames or hip replacements due to the fact they will have to mount 3 flights of stairs and may risk death or serious injury in their line of duty for BPO Collections for which no doubt I will be sued for the minimum sum of £54.96 for gross negligence.
You have kindly informed me in your letter of 22 February 2013 that your field agents will ‘VISIT YOUR ADDRESS TO COLLECT THE OUTSTANDING BALANCE’.
I dare not presume whether this friendly notification is addressed to Mr Dunnarunner or to myself. I have, however, always prided myself on my hospitality to any guests, excluding Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses, so would be grateful if you could kindly provide some advance notice so I can put the kettle on and additionally let me know whether they would prefer Lavazza, Nescafe Gold Blend, Nescafe Decaf or, if they are on secondment from BPO Collections the Andes, Cap Colombie.
I also have some Mocorran Mint Teabags if they do not like non-organic or unfair trade coffee which seems to be ‘de rigeur’ in these cash-strapped times.
When I spoke to the (clearly hard of hearing) company rottweiler at the Virgin Media Contact Centre, Miss Isla Rippyerspleenoutifyerdoonpay, to explain that (a) he did not live here and (b) I have never heard of him, she displayed her indisputably admirable skills in customer relations by suggesting that I (and I had always read in US Management Textbooks that there is no ‘I’ in teamwork: no wonder American MBAs are seen as worthless) go round all the houses in my street to ask if he is living with any of them. Bearing in mind that none of my parsimonious neighbours sent me a Xmas Card last December, it may be possible to assume that I am not overly popular as it is in my neighbourhood. But I do think this is an absolutely splendid example of ‘outside the box’ thinking by Virgin Media and I will now, for the rest of my debt-free life, regret transferring to BT instead of Virgin Media, when my patience was exhausted by the infinitely less tenacious buffoons at Orange.
I have copied some of my friends/associates/partners in crime who reside in places ranging from the bowels of rural France to the sprawling metropolis of Shanghai to the pristine beaches of sun-drenched Sydney or better still the aptly-named Runaway Bay in Queensland, in the hope that just one of them will have some inkling of his whereabouts. I will even go the extra mile and ask my garden gnome to keep an eye out and bludgeon this late-paying parasite over the head with his shovel until he begs for mercy if he spots him lurking behind my garden shed.
If you like, I can go 2 extra miles by asking my friend in China if, once he has finished knocking on the doors of all 24 million residents in Shanghai, he could possibly pop over to North Korea to see if the aforementioned fugitive is seeking sanctuary there.
It would help in this regard if you give me some vital details concerning this modern day Scarlet Pimpernel specifically whether his occupation in addition to the ‘Bane of Branson’ is either ‘nuclear physicist’ or ‘rocket scientist’. If so, that would lead me to believe he may indeed be holed up in some penthouse apartment in Pyongyang surfing the internet at this very moment compliments of Glorious Illustrious Kim Jong-un Boom Boom Online Media.
The ever-vigilant Ricardo