Episode One: What Dreams May Come
Thoroughly modern pulp fiction from Neville Cole
“Fucking shit,” foul-mouthed newscaster A.J. Clemente intones during his weekly wrap up show What The Fuck, Yo! “Remember our good friend, @midlifecrisisguy? Well, it appears his 15 minutes is up. Sources from Bieber Memorial Hospital confirmed that for all intensive purposes, Richard Marley, AKA @midlifecrisisguy, is dead. His TwitObit reads:
@twitobit @midlifecrisisguy Dick Marley is dead. Dead as a doorknob. He is survived by his estranged wife @hotcougarmom and his teenaged son @fuckallyallpimp
“@fuckallyallpimp as you may remember,” Clemente continued, “is the brilliant mind behind the highly successful Mid Life Crisis channel on YouTube. It pretty much blows my skull, but, less than two years ago, what we now know as the mega million dollar MLC Empire was little more than a collection of videos documenting the fracturing of @midlifecrisisguy and @hotcougarmom’s eighteen year marriage. Now, it appears, the MLC shining star is no more. Well friends, as I often note in my blog 50 Shades of Shit, reality ain’t always as it seems. I have just received an instagram from an attending physician at Bieber Memorial. The image shows what appears to be the body of @midlifecrisisguy in state tis; but check out what @bieberphyz says:
@bieberphyz WTFY! @midlifecrisisguy aint dead yet. Hes just almost vry nrly dead, yo. But priest is comin 2 read last rights. So prolly vry soon #wtfy!
More on this strange ass story as it unfolds; but if I know you fuckers as good as I think I do, you’re about to ditch me and check out those old @midlifecrisisguy videos on MLC. Well, sit your ass down and chill, yo! I got a brand new, never seen before, montage already shredded for you. You won’t want to miss this! Fucking hilarious! Up next, the very best of @midlifecrisisguy and @hotcougarmom…and we will have it for you, right after these important messages!”
At Bieber Memorial they are taking things a little more seriously; but only a little. Marley’s soon-to-be widow, Debra, is at the virtually deceased’s bedside, looking stunning in sleek black sheath partially covering a hot pink pushup bra. Marley’s almost fatherless son, Robbie, is recording the events for an upcoming MLC memorial.
“Mom,” Robbie whispers quietly enough that the World News cameras can’t pick up the audio. “When the priest gets here you might want think about shedding a tear or two. I’m going to break so hard I’m dropping the phone, FYI. Our audience eats up that emotional shit.”
At World News Central Don Williams reports the events with all the gravitas he can muster; but even he nearly cracks while announcing the arrival of Father Yung Boy Phuc
“Holy shit,” Robbie snickers, “the priest is a gook. Classic.”
Father Phuc mumbles in latin and every phone in the room records the event for posterity.
@bieberphyz amen @midlifecrisisguy rip brah. #wtfy!
The instant after @bieberphyz posts his last rights image to instragram, the first real miracle of Marley’s pitiful life occurs: the thumb, index, ring and little fingers of his left hand all constrict simultaneously.
@bieberphyz Fuck off! Father Phuc! Lmfao! #wtfy!
“Dead man flips priest the bird. What the fuck, yo?” Clemente screams in breathy ecstasy. “@midlifecrisisguy may have to change his handle to @notdeadmiracleman if this shit keeps up.”
Inside Marley’s cracked skull all is calm. A blond vision hovers above him and kisses his fevered brow. Around about all is soft and snowy. He is bathed in bright, warm sunlight. He floats on a cloud of bliss. Back at Beiber Memorial he is bathed in fluorescent light and soaks in a pool of piss. His final answer to Father Phuc remains a middle finger salute.
“His eyes!” Robbie points and zooms in his camera phone. “They’re doing the REM flicker thing. He’s not dead. He’s not dead.”
“What’s going on?” Debra wails at @bieberphyz. “You said he was almost very nearly dead!” Not waiting for a reply she throws herself into a chair and weeps true tears of confusion. @bieberphyz immediately rushes to her side but his sudden show of concern is cold comfort.
Meanwhile, World News Central is positively giddy about their latest scoop.
“Dick Marley, the mid-life crisis guy, is suddenly the not dead miracle man! As the world waits for Marley to open his eyes and speak, news is circulating that police are looking to question a woman seen at the scene of Marley’s near demise. She has been described as “a woman with blonde hair” and is known to authorities only as “the sexy blonde.” However, sources have told World News that this so-called sexy blonde may, in fact, be a leading member of the infamous Tech Separatist Group who go by the name Paradise. Paradise is loose-knit band of rural terrorists who refuse to carry smart phones and have been known to toss televisions and computers out of high rise buildings. Any persons with information regarding the whereabouts of the sexy Paradise blonde, seen here in surveillance footage taken just seconds after the Marley incident are urged to immediately tweet any and all leads to @therealfbi #findthesexyblonde.”
“The problem we have,” FBI Commissioner Gordan Gotham finally responded some twenty minutes later after unprecedented public pressure, “is that the sexy blonde whom some have dubbed the paradise blonde does not use a cell phone or a credit card and has thus far managed to avoid any and all of our extensive surveillance areas. In fact, we haven’t had a single image of video provided to us since incident. All we know is what we have all witnessed. The blonde in question appears shortly after the explosion, removes her coat, places it under Mr. Marley’s head and kisses him on the forehead. After that she walks slowly away. The camera on the scene remained on the body as it is programmed to do; but what we don’t understand in why no other cameras in the immediate vicinity managed to track the sexy blonde’s escape. Frankly, we are stumped and not sure how much longer we can continue to use up the department’s resources to chase down all these wild gooses. As we have already determined there are a lot of sexy blondes out there. Or, at least, there are a lot of blondes out there who think they are sexy.”
Later that night the FBI would officially put The Case of the Sexy Paradise Blonde on hold at least until @notdeadmiracleman awoke and did something to once again capture the public attention.
Marley’s bliss ends with an ear-shattering crack. His snowy bed becomes a drifting iceberg. All around is nothing but empty ocean. Suddenly a zebra drops out of the sky and hits the berg with great velocity. Clearly the zebra is injured. All of its legs appear to be broken. From out of nowhere a hyena is swimming furiously toward the iceberg. At the same time an orangutan floats in to view on big bunch of bananas. The hyena and the orangutan get on the iceberg and the hyena starts eating the zebra which really seems to bother the orangutan. After the hyena eats the zebra he fights, then eats, the orangutan. Then, to Marley’s great surprise, a tiger, that had apparently been on the iceberg the whole time, eats the hyena. It is just Marley and full-grown Bengal tiger left on the iceberg. “Take a chill pill, kid” the tiger says lazily. “It’s going to be a long, strange, trip.”
@hotcougarmom Plz wake up @notdeadmiracleman. Ur fam lvz U #wakeupmiracleman
“What’s this all about?” Robbie hisses and shoves his phone in his mother’s face. “You really think they will fall for this?”
“What are you talking about? I’m just trying to show support. I don’t want him to die, for god’s sake.”
“It didn’t seem to bother you all that much when we thought he was dead.”
“We all have different ways of dealing with stress. Besides, I am still in shock.”
“So what are you thinking? You’ve seen the light? It’s redemption time? We can save this family? I think not. You want to know what to do next? You come to me. There is a lot of money riding on how this all plays out. I can’t afford you messing it up by trying to figure things out on your own.”
“What are you saying?” Debra says with real shock in her voice.
“I’m saying,” say Robbie suddenly quite matter-of-fact: “If you try to run this show one more time and I will cut you out. In less than a month no one will even remember who @hotcougarmom is.”
“You would cut me out?”
“Ancient history. Count on it. So, Debra. What do you say? Shall we play be my rules from now on?”
“You’re the boss, Robbie.”
“Good. Then you won’t mind if I keep your phone for a while. You have some important tweets to send.”
Thanks in part to Robbie’s machinations, the non-stop @notdeadmiracleman media barrage continues on unabated. No story since the baby go boom bomber has captured the world zeitgeist like this one. Even males 12 to 18 are paying attention. Well, between video games. Every demographic it seems is looking for answers. Will the @notdeadmiracle man wake up? If so, when? If not, should doctors pull the plug? If they pull the plug will it be on pay per view? Is @midlifecrisisguy really dreaming? What about? What dreams may come as @notdeadmiracleman flirts with shuffling off this mortal coil? Will God save @notdeadmiracleman? Will God save any of us? Was @midlifecrisisguy really giving the finger to the priest? Is this a CIA plot? What should one wear to a spring wake? Is this whole thing just a brilliant publicity stunt? Can you believe how hot the paradise blonde is? Oh, and by the way, what’s up with @hotcougarmom and @bieberphyz? Are they an item?
Back at her paradise by the sea the sexy paradise blonde is oblivious to the @notdeadmiracleman’s great comatose adventure. She sits quietly on her front porch staring at a bold full moon hovering over a still, dark empty ocean. While, in his room, finger still raised, only his eyeballs moving, @notdeadmiracleman continues to dream.