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Nelson 3

Editor’s Note:  So, if you own a smartphone or an iPad, you’ll be familiar with the daily update notices where lovely application developers seek to improve their worthy products.  Well, digital publishing seems to be working the same way.  Herewith, Ricardo Vaughan offers a DIY update to his favourite feline’s estimable tome.  

THE TRAILS AND TRIBULATIONS OF NELSON THE CAT (AMENDS)

p.6 final para – please replace ‘for my testes?’ with ‘concerning the irrevocable surrender of my reproductive organs?’

p.9 1st para – replace ‘the lamentable buffoons who alleged to be’ with ‘certain’ so it now reads ‘…continually distracted by the outrageous exploits of certain buffoons within the England Rugby Team.’

p.11 2nd para – please replace ‘the Haka’ with ‘their pre-match ritual’

p.11 final para – please expand 4th line to ‘on or off the pitch’

p.12 1st para – please delete the entire section from ‘Or maybe it was partly due to the Mediterranean lifestyle in Toulon… to …anything else that can be sold on the black market.’

And replace with ‘Hopefully this outstanding servant to English Rugby may one day become coach of England and produce a team of champions on the pitch and gentlemen off it.  Though if it were me I would not want to give up the Mediterranean lifestyle in France which I imagine would be slightly more agreeable than life on the Tyneside Riviera.’

p.12 3rd para – please replace ‘JW’ with ‘Gentleman Johnny’

p.13 4th para – please expand to ‘…spear tackled by two catapulted midgets…’

p.13 4th para – please change the sentence from ‘I felt I had run into a miniature Tana Umaga and Kevin Mealamu’ to ‘I felt as if I had run into miniature versions of the fearsome Samoan wingers Tonna Brix and Craig Moltenlava.’

p.13 5th para – replace ‘…he had staggered off to another bar, accompanied by his entourage’ with ‘he had disappeared along with his entourage.’

p.14 2nd para – please delete ‘No wonder she is in the Olympic Team.’

p.14 3rd para – please replace ‘I was soon bored to death by …’ with ‘I was mesmerised by…’

p.16 1st para change the quote to ‘Why don’t you bugga off back home to Pommieland you stupid mongrel cat.’

p.16 2nd para – delete entire para from ‘But every long white cloud… to … most welcome to watch the match with them.’

p.16 6th para – amend to ‘….presumably decided to train for the triathlon by diving into Auckland harbour.’

p.16 7th para – amend ‘the rest’ to ‘some of the other members’

p.16 last para – please expand to ‘Going back to the Albino Blacks’ pre-match ritual…’

p.17 1st para – replace ‘…‘The Caveman’ Sebastien Chabal…’ with ‘the two metre giant Jean-Luc Chasseur des Laineux-Mammouths’

p.17 3rd para – replace ‘JW’ with ‘Gentilhomme Jean’

p.18 4th para – replace delete ‘of misfits’

p.20 last para – please replace ‘(supposedly trendy)’ with ‘retro’ and delete ‘(and was the spit of Morrisey)’ so it reads ‘He wore big, black, retro National Health Service glasses which accentuated his doleful demeanour.’

p21 1st para – please replace ‘Morrissey’ with ‘Professor Smith’

p.23 3rd para – please replace ‘…queried David Attenborough…’ with ‘…queried my ornithologically challenged LHC…’

p.28 2nd para and p.32 1st line please amend ‘e-coli’ to ‘E.coli’.

p.29 2nd para – please change ‘999%’ to ‘9,999.01%’

p.32 3rd para and p.33 1st para – please replace ‘Kate Winslet’ with ‘the most beautiful actress in the world’

p.36 last para – please delete hyphen next to ‘30’

p.41/ 43 #26 – please replace ‘Marie-Madeleine Lapin’ with ‘Aimée Toutlemonde’

p.41/ 44 #27 – please replace ‘Vincent Cassel’ with ‘Mathieu Allezengrève’

p.41/ 44 #32 – please replace ‘Gerard Depardieu’ with ‘Guillaume Taxe de Séjour’

p.42/ 44 #38 – please replace ‘Bradley Wiggins’ with ‘Chris Froome’

p.42/ 44 #39 – please replace ‘Lance Armstrong’ with ‘El Diablo’ (‘an El Diablo’ on p.44)

p.46 (new) #12 ‘Enchanté de faire votre connaissance, Madame. Je m’appelle Oui.’

p.47 (new) #12 ‘Delighted to meet you, Madam. My name is Noddy.’

p.48 2nd para – please replace ‘Twinings’ with ‘Darlinks’

p.54 penultimate para – after ‘Summer has come early. Hurrah!’  please add  ‘After two consecutive days of sunshine in England the water authorities up and down the country sprang into action and imposed hosepipe bans with immediate effect.’

p.55 3rd para – please delete ‘…as a tax exile…’

p.57 final para – please delete the hyphen after ‘2’

p.61 5th para – please expand to state ‘an English Lorena Bobbit.’

p.65 2nd line – please expand to ‘Go the Gers. I hate Lennon.’

p.66 after para ending ‘…get together and play football?’ please add a new para:-

‘At least humans exchange pleasant and polite messages on Facebook unlike many of those who use Twitter. Another deplorable trait in humans: socially inept scoundrels who hide behind the anonymity of the Internet to be vitriolic, offensive and ill-mannered. If they cannot say anything pleasant or constructive about someone then why say anything at all?’

Stay tuned for the next action-packed injection of hilarity updates when we release V2.1S