M is for Merv, sweet and chewy...

M is for Merv, sweet and chewy…

Merv is Undecided.

Merv awoke and wondered to himself as to whether he should get out of bed. He was undecided. Trapped, he thought, regardless of what he does next it becomes a decision. Problem was Merv was feeling highly undecided, not those other words that can no longer be used but highly undecided.

Granny enters the room with Merv’s breakfast, 14 pieces of bacon, scrambled egg and a mug of coffee. Even though Granny and Merv were no longer a couple, due to patrons of the Pigs Arms running out of emetics, she still, now in the background, so deep in the background that it will never be mentioned again, ever GST fucking ever, okay, that she still loved her man, just like all good women do.

Merv fondles Granny’s bosom but after advice from,


“Merv, we are not allowed to tit one another off any more, the patrons have spoken and look at what Hon Shades says about tits, Nurse Barbara and Sister Yvonne agree but I dunno” moans Granny, moaning and moaning ah, yes [Hung here Merv, move on mate. Ewe and Granny is finished]

“I dunno either Granny. In my next life I coming back as Off, everyone seems to want to tell me to fu%$…”

“Merv, kiddies could be listening”.

Merv showers and dresses thinking that he ain’t going to fall for that one again.

“Where’s Father O’Way” cries Merv “ I need GOD(Gordon O’Donnell)”.

“Bless you my son, in the name of the father the son and the holy ghost, I now pronounce you man and wife, I forgive you your sins, 5 hail Mary’s blah blah blah” says Father O’Way, parish priest at the church of St Generic Brand, Inner Western Cyberia, down the road and around the corner from the pub.

A previous Sandy...

A previous Sandy…

“Sandy, get Gordon, I want to speak to Gordon. Anyway what’s all this crap you are speaking?”

“Stereotyping but really I don’t know. I just say whatever Hung tells me, I guess you could call me a yes man”

“Me too, great band, Your’s is No Disgrace, bow, bow bow bow, bow” sings Merv.


Gordon, the creator of the universe, will not be happy if he is interrupted watching replays of the Bolt Report. It makes him very tensile indeed. However he gets the biggest laugh from this show.

Gordon appears as a hologram in the front bar following a phone call from Father O’Way, sees the beers and then materialises just like all supernatural bullshit artists can do in this fictional story.

Gordon, in another dimension...

Gordon, in another dimension…

“Hey, what’s up Merv?” asks Gordon as he downs a canoe.


“I dunno, 500 words maybe, meaning of life, me and Granny, next weeks lotto numbers, just asking like, I’m undecided.”

“I dunno” says GOD.


“What about you Gib?” asks Merv.

“Me mate, 100% rock solid, never waver or fence sit in my life ever, spit on me grave, yeah, dunno.”

“What about you Angler?” presses Merv, looking for some positive reassurance, you know, like when the coach has the full backing of the board.

“Hang on” says Angler “Just checking to see if I’m back from holidays, waiting, look at the FCK’ed scoreboard now, yes, back from holidays given the replay, no idea what you are talking about so dunno.”

[Authors Note: All fun, no offence intended to anyone.]

That's me in the corner...

That’s me in the corner…