It’s been a long tradition at the Pig’s Arms for the pub to sponsor the nativity play at St Generic Brand’s Sunday School.
Sunday school at St Generic Brands is traditionally held on Friday afternoon because Saturday is for sport and Sunday is for sleeping in after Saturday night post sport mortem at the pub.
This year was a particularly important one for St Generic Brands because the twins were cast as Mary and Josef. (It was spelled with an eff this year not because – as was widely held in the public bar that 2016 was completely effed – but because of another major sponsor (Hedgie’s boss) is Polish.
Baby Jesus was to be played by one of the kids of one the girls from Rosie’s Tattoo Emporium and House of Pain across the road from the pub.
As was also a tradition, two of the wise men from the East were to be played by Merv and Granny, but this year, Big was unavailable due to being scheduled on for the parting breaking of the waters.
So the first drop this year was to be played by Foodge. Foodge practiced and practiced his one gift-giving line, but Merv and Granny were concerned because, as is well-known in the pub, Foodge can sometimes be a little tongue-tied with any of the folks from Rosie’s Tattoo Emporium and House of Pain. Rumour has it that tongue-tied was only part of his restraint in RTEHP.
Being Friday night, the pressure to get the play over in time for the front bar to watch Midsomer Murders was intense.
All was going well. The Inn was conveniently over-booked because, well, it was Christmas after all. Father O’Way had cleaned out the garage. Hedgie had organised the stable vegetative material. The half-keg crib was in place replete with simulated baby Jesus. Gez had organised the livestock and true to form the lamb looked a lot like a tricolour Jack Russell.
The scene was capped off with a Hung star signifying that the Wise Men’s route was complete and guidance would cease.
The crowd was primed for the arrival of the Three Wise Men, who duly stubbed out their camels and deferentially approached the nuclear holy family.
“I bring you gold, baby Jesus” said Merv and Mary noticed that he had slipped in a couple of scratchies for good measure.
“Baby Jesus I bring you Myrrh”, murmured Granny.
Foodge stepped up.
“Frank sent me” said Foodge who was not well versed in scents of the Occident.
“For Christ’s sake, Foodge.” Said Merv.
“Jesus H” said Granny.
Simulated baby Jesus beamed and the scene was lit by a holy LED.
“You beauty. Two bucks !” said Mary – whose scratchie had come in.
“This must be a sign” said Foodge.
“Right. Let’s go and wet the baby’s head” said Father O’Way .
“I’m parched” said ‘Shoe.
The assembled throng climbed aboard Foodge’s Zephyr and made haste to the blessed Pig’s Arms.
Wishing everyone a safe and merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and prosperous new year.
Emm and FM