Merv goes Solar.
Story by Mark.
Merv is a bit worried at the moment as he has received a power bill for the pub from the WheezeGunnaRipYouOff power company. Apparently the power bill for the Pigs Arms has gone up from $4 a year to $5 dollars a year. And if you take 4 away from 5 you get, um, well a really big number, maybe even binary.
“Granny, get ear” yells Merv, “Somefinks wrong with Bill”.
“Who the hell is Bill, anyway I’m to busy making wedgies with my famous herring and
Vegemite sauce” replies Granny in a fit of rage.
“No its electricity Bill, the one that the honest straight up government that never told a lie said it wouldn’t happen” says Merv.
“But days a pack of poofters Merv, days as bent as Alan Jones” gruffs Granny.
“But if you take 4 away from 5 you get an awful increase in our power bills. Wheeze need to talk to the pub owner” implores Merv. “However wheeze don’t know who that is.”
Gordon materialises at the bar. Geez, I wish he wouldn’t do that as he may scare kiddies.
“Gordon, do you own the Pigs Arms?” asks Merv.
“Nah, not me mate I voted Labor. So lets work this through, fictional characters wont, so Granny, Merv, Hedgie, Fern and Foodge are out. Now pass me the phone book. I’ll dial the Pigs Arms and see who answers” says Gordon.
Ring, ring, ring ring ring etc., as we all know it would only be woman to answer the fone, the men are too busy scratching their nuts and boasting about how good they was on the footy field. “Hello, The Window Dressers Arms Pig and Whistle, Granny speaking”
“Granny I’d like to speak to Dee Owner” says Gordon using his best British accent.
Granny announces “Phone call for Dee, Dee Owner, phone call for Dee Owner.”
The crew look perplexed and say nothing as Emmjay appears out of the men’s with urine stain intact on the front of his pants, forgot to shake that last drop and takes the call.
“Yes, Emmjay hear, to whom is I speaking” replies the only educated one in the room, well except for the girls.
“My name is Goldenrod Longeron” replies Gordon using his quick wit and a gizmo he got from Spaceworld on special for $9.99 to make him appear godly. “It’s to do with your electricity Bill that has gone up by a $1 per year and your staff are concerned about how this bill will be paid seeing no one pays their extensive bar tabs at your establishment. Are you the owner?”
“Oh no” says Emmjay “ Therese Trouserzoff is the owner you would have to speak to
him or her.”
“Well is he or she there?” asks Gordon.
“Um no, but give me your name, number, breast size and penis length and I’ll get him or her to call you” dodges Emmjay.
“Okay, my name is Dendron Dongle Rondo and my number is 555-5555 and eyes from the WheezeGunnaRipYouOff company, 44DD and 30 cm ” replies Gordon.
Emmjay is starting to shit himself at this stage and thinks well at least that matches the urine stain on his $500 Levi’s. One front one rear.
“Hey, I’ve got an idea” chips in Merv “Lets go solar and piss this wanker off. I remember at skoll learning so la fark tea dough, wadda ya reckon.”
The mind, if you have one, boggles.
I’ve got a spare fiver – that bill has to be paid. But if you can get the solar up immediately you might get away with not paying it. I can lend you my tool kit – it’s got an electric drill and a pop riveter and lots of different screws and nuts and bolts. I’ve also got a 30 metre tape measure, two hammers and a spare light for when the light in the fridge goes out.
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Bloody crack me up Nurse Barbara. lol
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I’m always very handy. I’ve also got some ladders.
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I’ve also got lots of extension cords and half a bag of left over cement from some brickwork I did a few years ago. Unfortunately I lost my head for heights about six years ago so you or Gran will have to volunteer to get up on the roof.
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Hilarious Hungster, And a beautiful use of the photo library, especially the first. No levi jeans damages in the making of his tale?
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Thanks Ace. My power bill increased by nearly 100% so all I could do is laugh. And I can just see me and you and Gib doing our pre drink stretches at the bar!!
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PS: Hope it was one of yours. 🙂
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It was Hung, but the caption had me laughing a lot. A perfect fit.
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One of your best. Nice grip on the funny bone. Tell Dendron they’re dreamin’. Trouzerzoff, too if she gets snarkey and expex my bar tab, the bitch. I’m worried. That’s serius. Glad you revealed these events but. We’d be stuffed without your keen nose for the news. Like the stuffed pig’s head on the wall of the urinal Emmjay came out . Not that I know first hand. Never been in the urinal, not for a quickie even. Now there’s a fack about my being across why he even went in to come out. Dunno.
Superficial evidence does not bring to us a truth.
Shoesy Blousy. 🙂
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You make me laugh so much I have to use my incontinence aid. 🙂
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Another round of anal bleaching?
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So full of dribble you are sometimes, M.
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Yes, and yes, and full of shit.
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That’s interesting. Me too. It’ll sort itself. Take heart.
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What? Yr hanky?
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Holy shit-stains. Fucked up beyond all belief.
I had an idea that Manne had put that big jumper cable in behind the meter box so we got power for free, you know, like the churches.
What’s next, are we gunna be paying for water, gas, bubbles in our beer?
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Mate, we’ll have to jack up. Let’s not pay our tabs.
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The only future is corruption. Thank Gordon wheeze is already there.
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Wheeze can chalk that one up.
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