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Going to the bank. Look left, then right and then, look theft again.


Story by Big M.

Merv was discombobulated. He still hadn’t recovered from the loss of the Pigs Arms dot matrix, and had just made it home before the ticket, or now known, as the Opal Card Inspector got on the bus. The driver had laughed at Merv’s effort to exchange postage stamps for travel, and had told that half the commuters didn’t have a card anyway.

It had really started this morning. He had asked a delivery driver to take back six kegs that were off. The driver agreed that they were all from a batch that had been recalled, and didn’t Merv get the email, or see it on our website? Merv thought he was talking gobbledegook, so cut to the chase and asked for a cheque. “A what, mate? A

It’s real for sure, it says so here

cheque, medieval thinking man, the boss will just do a bank transfer, if we’ve got yer BSB ‘n’ account number on file.” Merv had always been happy to get a cheque, so went inside to ring the manager of the brewery, who was friendly, but insisted that he go through the website, or email to him. Merv ended up ringing the bank to find out his BSB and account number, only to find that they had just stopped issuing passbooks, and could he email all of his details to the bank. It all sounded like something for Emmjay to sort out, but could he wait for Emmjay’s next visit?

Then lunchtime. Some young blokes wanted to pay for their meal and beers on ‘paywave’. Merv reckoned that as long as they paid, he’d wave at them. “No silly, on our cards!”’ Well, fuck me.’ Thought Merv.’Wavin’ credit cards to pay for stuff.’ He had eventually got one of them to go and get some cash for the payment.

I swear, eyes was a boy when eyes woke up

Meanwhile he was walking from kitchen to Gentlemen’s Bar when he caught one of the young lads going into the Ladies Toilets. “’ang on there, young feller!” Merv had him by the collar.

“Unhand me, I’m a lady, or, at least I am today.” Squirmed the little bloke.

“You look like a bloke to me!” Merv was ready to throw him into the carpark.

“Well, I’m Gender Fluid, I felt like a boy this morning, so dressed accordingly, but now, after a few drinks, I feel like a girl.” The prisoner had managed to wiggle out of Merv’s massive hands. “Besides, it’s you fault for not having Trans Bathrooms!” Merv just let him/her go.

Then, back at the bar, Merv asked some of the bar flies about ‘Gender fluid’. Of course the nurses didn’t bat an eyelid, or many lids, they had seen too much of it, whilst Angler and Gib reckoned they’d read about it but never seen it. Mark claimed it was

I think that toilet is overflowing Merv.

something to do with sitting down to take a piss. Shoe reckoned she’d seen it, and read and written about it, and, if Merv bothered to read what’s on his own website, may have learned all about it! “We have a website?” Sputtered Merv, still none the wiser.

Foodge wanted to pay for his beer on his Visa (again, what’s with the travel references?), and get a cash advance. “You want to pay on what? And get cash too?” Merv was aghast. Clearly he’d missed something crucial in the world of business, so put Granny in charge of the bar and took off for the bank.

The Assistant Manager looked about fifteen, but, as The Pigs Arms was such a valued customer, spent ages talking about internet banking, paying and receiving payments

The Bank Manager

online, how to set up a new credit system called ‘Visa’, and what other credit cards ‘Visa’ recognised, and where the money goes once the vendor processes a ‘Visa’ payment, and how ‘paywave’ is part of ‘Visa’, and no, when the customer gets a cash advance it’s not from the vendor’s account. When the young bloke was finished he asked Merv what sort of operating system he had. “Well, mate, we were just about to update to a Pentium!” Merv could barely conceal his glee.

“Well, Mr Merv, I think you should go a few steps beyond a Pentium. I’ll tell you what, you can purchase a complete commercial set up that links into all of our ‘Visa’ machines. I think they’ve got them on sale at Bing Lee’s!”

Merv went pale, then feinted, to find Granny standing over him. “Wake, up Merv, I need a hand!”

‘Thank the Lord, it was only a nightmare!’ Thought Merv.

“Them Transgender dunnies are blocked again, can you get in there an’ shift it?”

Ain’t life a bitch…