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Story by Big M.
Merv was discombobulated. He still hadn’t recovered from the loss of the Pigs Arms dot matrix, and had just made it home before the ticket, or now known, as the Opal Card Inspector got on the bus. The driver had laughed at Merv’s effort to exchange postage stamps for travel, and had told that half the commuters didn’t have a card anyway.
It had really started this morning. He had asked a delivery driver to take back six kegs that were off. The driver agreed that they were all from a batch that had been recalled, and didn’t Merv get the email, or see it on our website? Merv thought he was talking gobbledegook, so cut to the chase and asked for a cheque. “A what, mate? A
cheque, medieval thinking man, the boss will just do a bank transfer, if we’ve got yer BSB ‘n’ account number on file.” Merv had always been happy to get a cheque, so went inside to ring the manager of the brewery, who was friendly, but insisted that he go through the website, or email to him. Merv ended up ringing the bank to find out his BSB and account number, only to find that they had just stopped issuing passbooks, and could he email all of his details to the bank. It all sounded like something for Emmjay to sort out, but could he wait for Emmjay’s next visit?
Then lunchtime. Some young blokes wanted to pay for their meal and beers on ‘paywave’. Merv reckoned that as long as they paid, he’d wave at them. “No silly, on our cards!”’ Well, fuck me.’ Thought Merv.’Wavin’ credit cards to pay for stuff.’ He had eventually got one of them to go and get some cash for the payment.
Meanwhile he was walking from kitchen to Gentlemen’s Bar when he caught one of the young lads going into the Ladies Toilets. “’ang on there, young feller!” Merv had him by the collar.
“Unhand me, I’m a lady, or, at least I am today.” Squirmed the little bloke.
“You look like a bloke to me!” Merv was ready to throw him into the carpark.
“Well, I’m Gender Fluid, I felt like a boy this morning, so dressed accordingly, but now, after a few drinks, I feel like a girl.” The prisoner had managed to wiggle out of Merv’s massive hands. “Besides, it’s you fault for not having Trans Bathrooms!” Merv just let him/her go.
Then, back at the bar, Merv asked some of the bar flies about ‘Gender fluid’. Of course the nurses didn’t bat an eyelid, or many lids, they had seen too much of it, whilst Angler and Gib reckoned they’d read about it but never seen it. Mark claimed it was
something to do with sitting down to take a piss. Shoe reckoned she’d seen it, and read and written about it, and, if Merv bothered to read what’s on his own website, may have learned all about it! “We have a website?” Sputtered Merv, still none the wiser.
Foodge wanted to pay for his beer on his Visa (again, what’s with the travel references?), and get a cash advance. “You want to pay on what? And get cash too?” Merv was aghast. Clearly he’d missed something crucial in the world of business, so put Granny in charge of the bar and took off for the bank.
The Assistant Manager looked about fifteen, but, as The Pigs Arms was such a valued customer, spent ages talking about internet banking, paying and receiving payments
online, how to set up a new credit system called ‘Visa’, and what other credit cards ‘Visa’ recognised, and where the money goes once the vendor processes a ‘Visa’ payment, and how ‘paywave’ is part of ‘Visa’, and no, when the customer gets a cash advance it’s not from the vendor’s account. When the young bloke was finished he asked Merv what sort of operating system he had. “Well, mate, we were just about to update to a Pentium!” Merv could barely conceal his glee.
“Well, Mr Merv, I think you should go a few steps beyond a Pentium. I’ll tell you what, you can purchase a complete commercial set up that links into all of our ‘Visa’ machines. I think they’ve got them on sale at Bing Lee’s!”
Merv went pale, then feinted, to find Granny standing over him. “Wake, up Merv, I need a hand!”
‘Thank the Lord, it was only a nightmare!’ Thought Merv.
“Them Transgender dunnies are blocked again, can you get in there an’ shift it?”
This must be recorded as a Classic. Bloody funny and so relevant. I missed it yesterday late arvo as was busy preparing crumbed brains.
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I hope your brains were tasty Viv.
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When I finished reading this earlier this morning and started to write a comment. I typed HAHAHAHA. I mentioned but, I was at first very confused.
My laughter was not entirely without initial sarcasm and even disbelief. Seemed unlikely to me at first there is anything at all trew trewth in this story. How Angler and Gibb got into this story was evidence.
I knew, yes knew and know, Angler and Gibb weren’t actually there. Total bull, I thought. Ease up on me, I have insider knowledge. Yes, and insider knowledge means you know where to put your money. I knew where to put my money, I thought, eh.
When I got to the end reading and discovered this is a … cannot say or someone might read comments to find out what happened, screw that, I howled with laughter, howled. This has to be one of the funniest endings in the situation we have on hand right now, eh. I sent the freakin’ story in about where Angler and Gibb are, freakin’ days ago. I’ll be right, promise it, when I recover from laughing. 😉
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I’m sure you are completely shocked to know that Gib and Angler weren’y there, nor was Mark, but I’m not so sure about your good self, ‘shoe. Were you there? Insider knowledge, yes, our drinking hole moves on, out from under a pile of fly dirt, old newspapers and Merv’s collection of used bus tickets. But where to?
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All will be revealed very soon. Trust me, my dear Big M. I know. I knew full well Angler and Gib were not there. Promise. Cross m’ heart. Even though I’m not a nurse, you can trust me on this one.
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It was a bit of a heart stopping moment, however, for me when I read that far and purportedly they WERE there. Oh, you ask me if I was there. Dear Big M, I worrit that I was there and THOUGHT I saw Angler and Gib there. That I was there in a different capacity than actually it being reported that I saw Angler and Gib there, when I considered on it, gave me some mighty relief about whether I was there or not. I loved the laughs.
” “Well, I’m Gender Fluid, I felt like a boy this morning, so dressed accordingly, but now, after a few drinks, I feel like a girl.” The prisoner had managed to wiggle out of Merv’s massive hands. “Besides, it’s you fault for not having Trans Bathrooms!” Merv just let him/her go.” “
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I wonder if Merv still accepts Bankcard. I was in Inverell recently and three shops in a row all said they accepted Bankcard.
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I think Merv still uses that slide thingame, with the pages in triplicate. At least it gives yer a bit a paper to shove in the till.
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Big M, your yarn is getting some hearty laughs and likes on my FB page, especially the dot matrix. 🙂
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Big, you mean with those scrubby bits of inky paper that flap around if someone opens the shop door just as ya move it from one page in the book to the next and the ink gets all over ya fingers and then onto ya white shirt and, somehow, up your arm and then the fluttering bit when you drop it gets stuck on the surface of the counter just before it flips over out of sight under the shelves where ya can’t get to it. Yeah, they’re the best eh. I think so too. 😉
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This comment is sposed to be up where you were having a chin wag with algy, eh.
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Granny and Merv love ‘ em. Like hunert dollar notes.
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Important to show you’ve got something with the bit of paper, a till full of stuff, none of this tap and go nonsense.
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You funny bastard. Keep ’em coming.
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Antherr brilliant effort with the captions HOO. Had me rolling on the floor.
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I would roll on the floor, but there’d be a problem getting up again, even before the red wine.
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Thanks, Sister, I agree with Angler, all the better for your captions.
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Thanks Ace. Is the top picture one of yours? If so do you remember where it came from?
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The top pic is a Jeffrey Smart painting i’n’t?
Having written that I remembered google lol. Yes, Cahill Expressway. I am a big Jeffrey Smart fan.
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I fink it’s in the NSW State Art Gallery.
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Looks like it would suit a Pink Floyd album cover.
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Not one of mine HOO, maybe one of Gerards or Emms, the boy on the clothes line and the nuddies are.
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The boy on the clothesline cracks me up every time.
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I agree HOO. Laugh every time I see it. Fits in with everything
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Seen it lots of times and this was the first it occurred to me hung out to dry. Gawd, so obvious. Gawd, so dumb blonde.
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