This is not Merv

I dunno either said Emm to Big.

He seems to be wandering aimlessly through his life.

Rudderless, said Big.


I think we have to find him some … ah…. outlet, said Big.

What ?

Maybe we should ask him, said Emm.

Do you think he might, ah, have a clue ?

I suspect not, said Big.

Something with travel involved ? I think the readers would love to see Foodge take a break from private eye work.

What about travel and private eye ?

You mean … say an upper class paparazzi / royal watcher / gossip uncle ?

How the hell are we going to sell that one to Foodge ? said Big.

Watch this ! said Emm.

The envelope read “Mr F. Oodge, 1/23 Rutland Court, Knightbridge, London SW3”.

Foodge always smokes to the end, dunno why

Foodge could hardly believe his luck. The phone rang. Foodge here, he said. Good morning Mr Foodge, welcome to London, said a cultivated voice that Foodge pegged as a cross between Eton and Drinkin’. Mr Foodge, I’m Carstairs from Farkim Anisorss, solicitors to the newly fabulously wealthy and influential.

Well, is it car or stairs ? asked Foodge. I’m a man going up in the world. Carstairs laughed obligingly. May I ask you if you’d grace us with your presence in Chambers this afternoon, Mr Foodge ? Go ahead and ask, said Foodge. Carstairs suppressed a small exasperation sound. Will you please come own to Chambers this afternoon Mr Foodge, I will send a car.

At this stage, Big frowned at Foodge because he could see Foodge extending the Carstairs joke one bridge too far.  So lets call him Catdog suggests Emm or what about RoadRage.

Certainly, said Foodge. May you ask the purpose of my visit ? It’s because Emmjay has a hankering to write “wood-panelled chamber”. Well, far be it for me to disappoint Uncle Emm, said Foodge[ Editors Note Bhwhahahahawhha, hysterical]. It’s meaningless by the way but true.

I think I have the right side…

Impressive, said Big. Now he’s moved on from a mild mannered faux private dick. Now what ? Well, said Emm, we’ve got the choice between launching a relocated and more textured adventure, and covering the back story.

New adventure, said Big, who drew out his imaginary Olivetti Lapwriter and began tapping away like a man possessed.

Emm, said Big. How did you come up with Foodge’s London address ? Well, there was this show on SBS about a department store in Knightsbridge and I googled flats for sale in Knightsbridge. How much did Foodge’s flat cost ? said Big. Nothing too flash, said M. About 1.7 million pounds. It’s a 2 bedder, but UK real estate advertisements, for some reason are not too particular about bathrooms, said Emm – unable to resist a good stereotype when he could see a gap for one.

Buy now…


Thanks to Algy for most of the pictures

written an spoken by emmjay and hungoneon