Merv wants to go to School.
by Mark.
Hi, Merv here, I fink like, you know, I wanna go to school, just so I can say smart arse things at the bar when I’m working. Like you know if some gezza comes in and orders two pints of Special, I can turn around and say “I think therefore I am”. Whadda ya reckon, sounds good to me. But education is shit so I talk to my good friend Foodge(FOO), who is my legal adviser and any direct questions from this article should go directly to him via the Fictional Characters Union, 000, at your nearest capital city.
FOO: So what’s in an education for you. Let me ask you this. If you have nothing to start with and nothing at the end what do you have?
Merv: Nothing
FOO:1 take away 1
Merv: Nothing
FOO: Two hungry navvies arrive at the bar and order a pint and a pie. What’s left?
Merv: Nothing.
“Thank Gordon we have turned that interview technique off, so Merv you don’t need school” says Foodge reverting from FOO.
“Well I did have to go to the doctor” says Merv, “hey why can’t we go back to that old interview technique, boy, is this eating up the word limit and it’s good fun”.
FOO: What did the doctor say?
Merv: He said I was sick and that I should go home.
FOO: So what’s wrong with you?
Merv: I don’t know. He said it would be a breach of privacy.
FOO: But it’s you and your health.
Merv: Yes, he said I’d need birth certificates and affidavits from my parents just to prove that they were there at my birth so he could go ahead and release the information. Shit happens as they say.
FOO: I’m ringing your lawyer right now, we’ll get you out of this.
Merv: You are my lawyer.
FOO: Oh shit.
Fictional Characters Union here, lets keep it all nice and friendly…
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This sounds all too familiar. Like what happened when my online banking was closed and they never told me. Getting to the bottom of it was a nightmare.
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I contacted the Fictional Characters Union (FCO) who checked in the Fictional Characters Knowledge Database (FCUKD), who claim that Foodge is no longer a member by virtue of the fact that his fees are outstanding, or Fees Unpaid Character Currently Without Identifiable Traits, or FUCCWIT. They wanted to know about his current whereabouts so I said he was involved in covert activities for those at the highest level.
Retrospectively, it sounds like a euphemism for Lolita Express Games Organiser.
Oh well, I guess he’s got an alibi.
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I’m sure he’s working for FYI. Please don’t ask me to explain.
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Are you implying that Foodge is actually working?
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I bet you the Fictional Characters Union told you to fuck off.
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That was their initial response then they told me to well and truly fuck off.
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And then I bet they told you to fictionally well and truly to absolutely go and fuck off.
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I just realised that the acronym for Lolita Express Games Organiser could offend the Danes.
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