Written by Big M.
Merv had endured a torrid time with his ‘blown out’ knee. He’d been to the GP, orthopaedic surgeon, MRI, and then physio. He’d hoped that a quick arthroscopy of the knee would fix it, but, no, now it’s all knee brace and physio exercises. Maybe he’d have an arthroscopy when all this fails, he pondered. Just then the phone rang. “Hello Mr Merv.”
“Ah, Foodge, we’re all wondering ‘ow you an’ O’Way were getting’ on in the Old Dart?” Merv bent down to adjust the Velcro on his knee brace.
“Well, it’s all plain sailing over here. I doubt they’ve ever had a paedo here in England, well, except Jimmy Saville and Rolf Harris, and Eric Gill, but he was a famous artist so doesn’t count.” Foodge enthused. “How’s the knee?”
“Painful and tedious. Can’t run or lift. Have to wear a kneebrace and do stupid feckin’
exercises. How’s O’Way settling in?” Merv sat heavily into the old Chesterfield.
“I’ll put him on.”
“It’s O’Way here. Can’t talk. Too much going on. Have managed to infiltrate the tykes. They’re a tight bunch. Can’t get a word out of them. Foodge has joined a Gentleman’s Club. He’s hopeless. He’s lapped up all of the usual guff because they have free Scotch and cigars for new members. I’ll pop him back on.”
“Did you hear that? Free Scotch and cigars. How could these folk be harbouring paedos?” Foodge took a drag on a stogie.
“Mate, you don’t think they’re trying to bribe you with cheap booze and tobacco?” Merv took a sip of South Sea Islands Scotch (it seemed to enhance the pain killers).
“No, no-one escapes eagle eyed Foodge. O’Way wants to say something.”
“Merv, O’Way here, Foodge has no idea of what he’s doing. Way out of his depth.The
only thing protecting him is his complete ignorance and ineptitude. I think I’m pretty safe, because I haven’t really managed to get anywhere, but Foodge wanders around talking about paedos at the top of his voice. I’m not sure, but I think we’ve been followed a couple of times.” O’Way was nervously twitching the Venetians. “We either need to withdraw or get backup.”
“There’s no-one here we can send.” Merv was secretly pleased that his knee prevented him from helping. “Hey, what about me nephew Wes? He’s built like a brick shit-house, he can fight like a threshing machine, and hasn’t even had a cameo in an episode for years.”
O’Way ruminated for a few minutes. “Yes, Wes, I met him once. Unforgettable. He’s a nurse, isn’t he?”
“Yes, male nurse, can drive just about any vehicle. Used to work in an abattoir, so he’s good with a knife. He’s been to Bali, once, so he’s an international traveller.”
“He sounds like he possesses useful skills, plus we can get him to snoop around some of these London hospitals. Merv, so you feel comfortable with recruitment? Usual deal, Leer jet from Sydney to London. Five thousand pounds a week, plus board. We also provide a very generous hosiery allowance!”
“Merv gulped. “Five thousand? I’ll call ‘im now!”
Well tie me kangaroo down sport!
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I got thrown out of that gentlemen’s club once. True. I only got a toe in the front door.
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I couldn’t get in, either. They mumbled something about ‘bone idle, good for nothing, couldn’t get a real job, purse carrying Nancy boy, poofter male nurse.’
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I wish my name was Wes, sounds like a good deal going down there.
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He’s in for a wild ride.
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Oh. Forget I even mentioned it, in that case.
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I can’t remember if he’s single or not. He might need to be single for literary purposes.
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Lets see, Wes and Hedgie are both single from memory, Father O’Way married Belinda, Foodge loves Granny and Merv can get a girl friend as he is always at work.
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I think Wes was living with a nurse. Hedgie is still with Beryl, one of the Bowling Ladies. FOW is celibate and Merv is married to ….oh, shit, just tried reading through Foodge’s back catalogue to check. Bloody funny. Who was Merv’s wife, you know, the deaf woman who used to screech. She had the twins. They’re probably in high school by now.
Perhaps someone should do a family tree of the PA?
Nah, don’t bother. It may reveal certain facts that no-one should know.
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Crikey, Sister, you’re punching these out at warp speed.
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That’s one of the great things about endless and meaningless stories. Just keep writing episodes that involve the same characters and you will be right. As long as we all have fun then who cares. Just keep writing them.
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Sometimes I can’t think of a single thing to write then other days this sort of shit just flows out.
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Me too
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