With thanks to the Pig’s Arms semi-resident philosopher Norm de Plumette

Woke is a strange populist concept that any sane thinking person has to double-check its current meaning to the specific audience in order to understand it. It has now become the latest religion of the clever club of conservative disrupters.

It is a right of the right to express venomous outrage against the invisibly woke conspiracy that denies the preeminence of their prejudiced opinions. They are woke to the inherent evils of woke by being anti-woke.

An example of their woken contribution is the great debacle of Climate Change. The soothsayers are very woke to the old memes. Like woken sailors they regurgitate legitimate but resolved concerns to justify their prejudices.

Their woken eyes are unable to read the extensive research into continuously improving climate models. Instead they cite numerous confounding indicators: sun spots, solar cycles, axis precession, the little ice age, the plant growth boosted by CO2 . . .

All true but these are factors that real climate scientists are woke to and have accommodated in their models. If only these anti-woken warriors had the time to examine the models instead being too busy denying their validity with critiques that are no longer relevant.

The back and forth of the scientific method addressing and improving our understanding of global warming has been going on for years. It is still far from perfect. The extent of the undeniable anthropological change is debated by scientists through their research. Most of those woken to the conspiracy of these scientists have awoken that their simple right to unjustified denial can no longer be supported; so they take refuge under a cloak of natural variability to justify inaction.

Now you may hear the clamour of those woken to an epoch where the earth was warmer. They point to this fact to warm themselves in the embrace of inevitability and refuse to support any action to mitigate the problem. Natural variability is a restatement of fact out of context. The past climate was also a lot cooler and produced a snowball earth.

This woken objection is a restatement of the factors that the climate scientists are grappling with, but in extremis. Humans did not exist in these previous climate extremes the deniers are woken-up about. It is unclear how these epochs justify refusing to try to stop a cataclysmic species extinction event unless you support euthanasia and suicide.

Anyway . . . these denialists are so woke to many other shiny gems to distract from pursuit of any agreement on how to interpret fact . . . look over here!

For example, aren’t you woke to plastic pollution that is somehow sponsored by the big Rothschild Illuminati conspirators that is seek exorbitant profits by reducing petrochemical consumption under the guise of protecting us from the ravages of an increasingly volatile climate whilst these same woke radical left capitalist lunatics are also conspiring to increase petrochemical use to devastate the environment?

They dangle more flashy lures as they trawl for justification from woken supporters of other causes. Through these confounding distractions they seek to misappropriate from one woke to another and subvert rationalism.

Now the proselytisers are asking whether you are woke to this new war or just woke to another battle in the perennial war between the inappropriately named left and right.

Woke now seems to be another of those abusive labels like ‘political correctness’, ‘cancel culture’, ‘greenie’ and ‘bleeding heart’. Labels appropriated to combat the barrage of ‘nazi’ ‘troglodyte’ ‘racist’ ‘supremacist’ accusations. The ‘right’ have cleverly weaponised the badges of pride of specific ‘progressive’ groups and exploited a myth that the ‘left’ is united in its march towards the ‘communist’ light on the hill.

Unfortunately for the conservative cause the business world has become woke and are no longer fully aligned with the conservative domain. The conservative dilemma is that the free enterprise they championed now chooses to be concerned about climate change and other issues. The conservatives now appear out of touch and their cherished individual freedom is a casualty in a battle with the corporate world where they deem that corporate capitalist opinions which used to be a political ally are now woken.

Despite their success in woking the mythical left, the mythical right seems to be caught in a bind of their own design. They are unable to desert the vanguard of woke bashing extremists who will never be woke to the stench of inevitable change, and they cannot follow the self-interested sniffs of individual rights to snuffle in the trough of money to be made from a cause like seriously addressing climate change.

Meanwhile, with the movement of the woke battlelines, the extremists of woke who started it all have a free pass to propagate their unscientific feelings. The rational persons of progressive persuasions don’t want to highlight the ludicrous claims of their less-than-inane allies, because winning the climate debate is more important. Wokeness to the data can be abandoned if the end justifies the means.

The loser is the scientific method, and the extremists are free to dance in the echo chambers of their woken clubs, demanding the inclusion of their right to exclude others and preserve diversity. Some are woken enough to have their pants down low enough to expose a cleft of buttock. In your face is fashionable and not a homage to the denial of belts to incarcerated criminals.

This extreme left lunacy has produced mishmash of uncomfortable causes each competing to be more woke than the other with the ultimate goal of supreme wokeness to everything. An accolade that does not address the fundamental needs of society.

Meanwhile the wokerati in the cafes, dinner parties and wine bars of our inner cities are struggling to be woken to what woke means in any specific context. Is this discombobulated wokeness a free-thinking anarchist plot the intent that of the bomb-throwing Bakunin or the book throwing considerations of Tolstoy or simply Stalin’s attempt to negate the concept of cooperative syndicates? Few are woke to that, because anarchy has been appropriated to the dustbin of history by its detractors in the parlance of populist media, and woke it seems has a similar destiny.

Being woke and sceptical of authority and rejecting involuntary, coercive forms of hierarchy might be the basis of this woken war. We have the right to be woke, but not to call it anarchism.