The Prime Minister called yet another emergency notional meeting with his homework. The meeting was not previously scheduled, because the notional cabinet couldn’t agree on whether Scomo was capable of completing the task of developing a credible definition of close and casual contacts for the nation.
Rather than complete the assigned task Scono dodged the question on casual contacts completely by not recognising the premise that they had been a key part of the tracking and tracing of the virus.
“We have a crisis of too many PCR tests so I couldn’t be bothered” he beamed to the premiers self-massaging his own brilliance, and ignoring the actions to release the RATs (Rapid Antigen Tests) that will supposedly alleviate the testing bottleneck.
“My focus has been on developing a streamlined simple definition of a casual contact. This will immediately apply to the whole nation, except for over 50% of the land mass where the most vulnerable with lower vaccination levels live. But this may not matter as the inhabitants of these exempt regions may not be living in what those in the privileged minority think of as a household or household-like.”
“Obviously, this new definition will only work if we also shorten the isolation period to match the period when infection can be detected by these less sensitive rapid tests. That will ensure more people are released back into the community after a false attestation of Homo Macron, ensuring that we learn to live with the virus.”
With no better idea of what to do the premiers agreed to end the meeting. Although they have yet to determine exactly how they will utilise the new definition.
The PM explained further by mangling his new definition further into “house, accommodation, or care facility setting”; which whilst seeming to confirm that apartments, flats and hotels are “house-like” seemed to exclude hospitals, prisons and other mental institutions like parliament house.
To reassure the nation that medical facilities will not be flooded Scomo promised that the unidentified medical opinion upon which he based his definition is an operational matter, and will not be released in order to fuel unanswered questions and derision of medical experts. “Let me be clear. This will ensure that my decision is well publicised and quell any confusion” he explained.
“My new definition of contacts, armed with the personal responsibility of others to check themselves by trying to procure an unavailable RAT and isolate oneself for a week without necessarily reporting to any authority will confirm the efficacy of my new solution. Or clearly lay the blame on others” he mumbled inaudibly.
“In addition, in order for this to work efficiently, I personally guarantee that no RATs will be provided for free. This will ensure the profits of private industry and stimulate the Australian economy by importing products more from overseas. I never said that not boosting debt will not boost the deficit!” he explained winking to the dunce of financial calculus.
Jester Josh, the notional treasurer, seemed unaware of this acknowledgement. He was too preoccupied wandering aimlessly as he prepared his latest monologue blaming the states for their recent purchase orders for RATs. He was convinced that their unfulfilled orders had prevented sufficient supply reaching the pharmacy shelves for the last two years.
“Don’t panic and get a PCR test because I assure you that a plague of RATs is coming to a profit centre near you” screamed the shrill shrew wearing the suit of the leader of the nation “Or down the road, or in the next town. I assure you that when you are really sick and should not be out and about or driving you can because you will not be in a household-like setting so everyone in the community will be safe.”
“As you know. I am not for mandating that you test, or mandating that you report the result of your test or that you tell housemates that you are self-isolating. That will take the pressure off the efficient track and trace and the demands for PCR tests.
“And remember, if you are asymptomatic none of this applies! This reduced pressure on preserving public health means that testing centres can be closed, releasing medical staff to the overburdened hospitals and me from the demands for extra funding. How good is a casual household-like!”