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Author Archives: Therese Trouserzoff

Tim’s Gift

02 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 32 Comments

Tags

Geraniums

.... sorry about the focus, excitement got the better of technique ...

Algy, thank you for the reminder to celebrate the small things.

Life with Tim the Cabin Boy is challenging and it’s easy to be overwhelmed by the galaxy of life-sapping misdemeanours and accidents that require more or less constant fix-ups and time-stealing restitution.

Tim is 12 and in year 7.  Last Friday after 8 weeks straight with us, he agreed to go and spend the weekend with his Dad.  We were going to be late home from different jobs and so he was to let himself out and walk there – again by himself (about 500 metres).

FM discovered the most amazing thing when we got home.  On her desk were a couple of geraniums.  Tim had obviously borrowed them from a neighbour on the way home – AND – worked out that they needed to be in water – AND – decided that one of the bike bottles was the go.  After seeing FM and I bring home flowers every week for the last four years, he pieced it together that giving flowers was an act of love.  Major breakthrough.

Before anyone gets all soppy about this wondrous event, the same day he lost his house key (because – against the agreed approach of locking the door and putting the key in a special place, he changed his mind and took it with him – hundreds of dollars now must be spent spent on new locks) and as an aside, he did not bring home his school diary – meaning that he couldn’t do any homework on the weekend.  It’s lost.  Gone for good.  Including, one suspects the demerit he got for not doing his homework and for being constantly late for classes (after we’ve dropped him off at school on time, of course).  But at least we got back the sports gear that he left at the bus stop the week before (but not the previous three times this year).

99 fairy steps forward and 98 fairy steps backwards.  But to be fair, he means well.

And the flowers look good, don’t you think ?

The Black Dog

01 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Algernon

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

Black Dog, Depression, Movember

The Pig’s Arms welcomes Algernon.

50th birthdays

I’m in the middle of a second wave of 50th birthdays for family and friends. Last week a family member rang to say that the police needed to be called to the 50th of one of their friends. Their 18 year old son had become violent due to a psychotic episode – related to taking drugs. The lad has been suffering with mental illness similar to Bi-polar disorder. His drug-taking started with smoking dope, I suspect, to ease the pressure of having to perform at top levels in sport and attending a school where none of his friends went. In the end, he was dealing at school. His parents have been doing their best to help him cope with his mental health issues, in silence for a number of years and they have only recently been aware of the dealing.

October was Mental Health month.

I bring this to you as I also have a child with mental health issues although illicit drugs are not the issue.  This child was first diagnosed with depression at the age of nine.  With good therapy they managed to excel for a few years. Recently after starting high school the wheels slowly started to fall off again. Off to the psychologist we went again and made improvements but not as quick as the first time. By last Christmas holidays there seemed to be much improvement.  As the year progressed they slowly went downhill again. Around July anti-depressants were prescribed reluctantly, given the age of the child, however they seemed necessary. One day in August the child had a breakdown at school and was taken home. A parent was speaking on the phone, the child tells them that they loved them and went upstairs. The parent realizing the risk, immediately ends the call and follows after the child who by the time they got to them was attempting suicide.

We live in an area with some of the best mental health facilities in the country; however they seem to be overwhelmed by the high levels of mental health issues that affect the community. I can say that we’ve built a good support network around the child and they are now making good progress.

The hardest thing about dealing with this is watching the wheels slowly fall off, seeing them withdraw from the activities that they love and watch them just hang onto the small things that mean the most to them. As a family, life just seems to come to a standstill.  Generally the family suffers in silence.

Even though people are more enlightened than in years gone by the stigma still remains.  Given how prolific mental health issues are, one wonders why. You also are careful who you do and don’t confide in. Some of those you do will judge, most I’ve found are very supportive. Above all talking with others who are supporting gives an outlet to express yourself and how you’re coping.

We know that one day the child will improve and after recently changing friends who are encouraging to them for what they are has seen the mood change for the better.

Pic borrowed from http://asitoughttobe.wordpress.com/2009/12/06/sunday-poetry-series-presents-robert-archambeau/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From Here to Nairobi 9 – Guess Who’s Coming for Dinner

30 Saturday Oct 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Neville Cole

≈ 66 Comments

Tags

Nairobi, Swahili

The Chief and I

By Neville Cole

I’m staring at Christo. Christo is staring at me. We are spending a long time staring. That shit Christo gave me was stra-wrong! I am buzzed. I am brazen. I am going to find out what is up with this guy once and for all. Only problem is…Christo has beaten me to the punch.

“You don’t like me, do you, my friend?” he asks with more than a hint of a smile.

“I don’t even know you…my friend…” I reply, while sporting a Woody Allen smirk.

“The easiest thing in the world is to not like someone you don’t know,” Christo notes and I have to admit it is a pretty profound reply.

“Indeed” I add in an outrageously fake British accent.

“So,” he says. “What is the problem, exactly? Is all this just because I won’t tell you the name my parents called me? You can call me anything you want, you know. I don’t mind. I’ll answer to it all.”

“What’s your story?” I suddenly blurt out, cutting him off mid-sentence.

“I told you my story the first night we met, my friend.”

“Yeah, I remember,” I say defiantly. “But see, the problem is, at the time I didn’t believe you…and now, I really don’t believe you. You are up to something. Thanks for the help with the hippo, by the way. That bloody thing was pretty pissed off wasn’t it?” I am clearly struggling to maintain a single line of thought and Christo, equally clearly, has noticed. He sits back, smiling benevolently; that is, until I move the discussion in a direction he isn’t willing to go.

“So what was your deal in Entebbe, anyway? Why the disappearing act?”

“Let’s just say,” Christo says, shifting slightly in his seat, “I’m not the passport and visa type and leave it at that.”

“Fine by me,” I say smugly. “No skin off my nose,” I add. “I was… just curious. What were we talking about again?”

Christo laughs. I laugh. I can’t stop laughing. I am laughing so hard it is difficult to catch a breath. Cristo stands up and leans out over the balcony. He calls out in Swahili to a waiter standing down by the pool. The man turns and calls back. They carry on a short conversation at during which I am able to make out the last two words: Asante sana or thank you very much.

“What was that all about?” I ask, finally suppressing my laugh attack.

“I’ve made dinner plans for us,” Christo replies.

“I was planning to get some room service and pass out pretty soon.”

“What? Room service? When there’s a real live party just down the street? Are you crazy? Come on, man? You’re in Africa. Where’s you sense of adventure?”

At that Christo springs like a wild cat from the patio to the branch of study-looking tree a few feet from us. Then, in one fluid motion he reaches down, grab the branch with his hands and slips lightly down to solid ground. I applaud generously and mime holding up a scorecard: “9.2 from the Australian judge.”

“Come on, Neville,” he laughs “Stop being such a damned colonial and come see the real Africa. I promise you won’t regret it.”

“Alright,” I finally relent, “but I’m going to use the door if you don’t mind.”

“Fine by me, Christo hoots; “but don’t blame me if you get gored by a hippo going back that way!”

Despite his warning, I am not stoned enough to even consider making the leap from the balcony and instead choose to quietly and quickly take a dash through the hippo fields.

Before I have time to reconsider my evening plans, Christo and I have left the hotel premises and are heading down a dark, muddy path into the noisy jungle of dusk. I realize I am in for the evening now because there is no way I am wandering back this way in the middle of the night alone. Many a midnight wanderer in East Africa ends up as lion food. Of course, here in Uganda, Idi Amin’s troops slaughtered virtually every lion years ago so I assume we are reasonably safe for now.

“So, what kind of party is this exactly?” I ask as we march along in file.”

“What day is it today?” Christo asks in return.

“Ah…Wednesday,” I answer without much certainty.

“Oh, good. Then you are going to see what a Wednesday party is like. By the way, do you have a few shillings we can toss in the kitty? You cannot turn up at an African party empty-handed.”

At the edge of some pretty dense jungle we come across a small clearing with a small stage at the far end and a large cooking fire by the entrance. There are four poles, strung with lights at each corner of the clearing. The lights, high up the poles, do little more than create an eerie glow while the cooking fire manages to throw a few flickering shadows across the ground and up into the surrounding trees.

I make my presence known right away by tripping over dinner. A still bloody, skinned goat lays only a few steps inside the entrance; but apparently I am the only person in attendance who didn’t expect it to be there. In my defense, I was somewhat distracted by the gutted impala hanging from a rack nearby and the sight of impala stew already bubbling in the cooking pot.

Christo steps surely around the goat carcass and walks immediately up to a wrinkled old man standing by a couple of dozen crates of beer. Christo talks to the old man for a minute or two, occasionally gesturing in my direction, then I see him hand the old man my shillings. After that the old man walks over to a strikingly tall man carrying a staff and wearing in a large animal skin cape. The old man points first to Christo and them to me. The man in the cape nods his head and the old man and waves to Christo. Christo, in turn, gestures to me to come join them.

“Neville,” he says happily, “this is the Chief. I explained to him how far you have travelled to be here tonight and offered him your gift. He wants us to enjoy ourselves and be guests at his party.”

“Asante,” I say to the Chief. “Asante sana.”

The Chief says something to Chriso. I can only make out the word Karibu, welcome.

“He says you are most welcome. He also says that he is sorry he did not know you were coming tonight from so far away or he would have made some special plans.”

I immediately blurt out the only other Swahili I know: “Hakuna matata!”

As soon as that wonderful phrase leaves my lips I wonder if it is appropriate to say “no worries” to a tribal chief; but before I can even complete my thought the Chief doubles over with laughter and most of the gathered crowd laughs and chatters as well.

“The chief says you are welcome in his village any time of the day or night,” Christo says smiling. “I guess you won him over you damn Aussie. What is it with you people? Does anyone in this world not love Australians?”

NEXT UP: PARTY: UGANDA STYLE

The Card

29 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Sandshoe

≈ 34 Comments

A Little Bit of English ...... by Mike Savard (an American, apprently)

By Sandshoe

Conversation between Yup-I-do and Shoe with Lee-Leah talking to the cat in the background:

“Listen,” I said, “She won’t know what on earth I was talking about. You know how you told me you’ve got a card in the glove box of the car for me?”

“Yeh,” he replied, like he always does if he’s positive what I’m talking about.

“I told her I’ve got it and I haven’t. It’s still in the glove box of your car. Least I think so. Unless you took it out.”

‘Nope, it’s in the glove box of the car. How did you know it was there?”

“You told me last year.”

“Listen, listen,” I heard a muffled giggle. He knew a story was on its way. He was listening. “Listen, I got a card in the mail and I rang her up and said to her I really love the card. And she said, ‘O, that’s good, I hoped you would like it.’  I said, ‘I do, I really do. I love the bit that says how much you liked the card I sent.’ I thought she hesitated, but then she said, ‘Yeh, yeh, good.’ She said she gave it to you to give to me and she was glad you dropped it in. I said, ‘No, um, well, I thought it came in the… no, it came in the post, he must have put it into the box. When did you give it to him?’ She said, ‘Day before yesterday’ and I said, ‘It was in the post box yesterday’. ‘O,’ she said, ‘He dropped it in the, um, he probably changed his mind and posted it, that’s good you like it.’ ‘I love it,’ I said.”

It wasn’t for me, I was explaining to Yup, the card I took out of my postbox and assumed came from her and telephoned her. It was for the neighbour with the same name as mine and that was the card from A. And Yup thought it was funny the name was different when he called in meantimes and I supposed she must call herself Ally sometimes, after her surname, He thought that was unusual, he did not know she ever did (he hadn’t looked at the card they were giving me. It transpired).  She just decided to be different, he had said, she’s like that. Which would explain the A. Instead of L.

“Now,” he said, “Wait til you hear, I went home and she said to me you finally gave the card to her and I said no, and she said well she reckons you did!”

He laughed. “Don’t know when I am going to give it to you. I should pull it out and write on it 2009 and 2010 and be done with it.”

“You might as well mark it Happy Easter now and save time. I reckon you might as well throw on Happy Birthday while you’re at it.”

He laughed. “I reckon I could save a packet by making it.”

“No, no. We so could make money out of this.”

“I’ll design a card.”

“We’ll call it One Card For Everything.”

How to Sing the Blues by Theseustoo

28 Thursday Oct 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Uncategorized

≈ 76 Comments

Okay Piglets! Yesterday I promised you a surprise post and here it is: get ready for some serious musical instruction from my guitar instructor, Griff, over at the Blues Guitar Unleashed website.

Gibson SG Standard (Heritage Cherry)

Griff says:

This is old, been passed around for years… but for some folks it’s new and it’s funny as all get out (that’s the Missourian in me coming out. Sorry, I was born there.)

HOW TO SING THE BLUES by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like ” I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: “Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, ” adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you’re older than dirt

b. you’re blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived.

d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water 15.

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)

20. I don’t care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don’t care.

I hope all you piglets get as much of a giggle out of it as I did when I first read it.

Theseustoo.

🙂

Mike Does Movember

28 Thursday Oct 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 50 Comments

Tags

Beyondblue, Depression, Movember, Prostate

Hi, Friends of the Pig’s Arms

This Movember I’ve decided to donate my face to raising awareness about men’s health.  I’m hoping they don’t want to send it back.

My  commitment is to return to my roots and allow the re-appearance of a luxurious white cloud (with hints of thunder) under my nose for the entire month of Movember, which I know will generate conversation, controversy and laughter  – or extensive indifference.

I am doing this because close to 3,300 men die of prostate cancer in Australia each year and one in eight men will experience depression in their lifetime.  Even the thought of a prostate check brings tears to my eyes.

As many people are aware the current first line of detection for prostate cancer, the PSA blood test has an unacceptably high rate of missed positives and false positives – leading to a great deal of misery – not the least of which can be damage to the party tackle caused by an unnecessary biopsy.  And the second line of detection ?  Well, how much can you tell about what’s going on in the bedroom by peeping in the back door ?

These are causes that I feel strongly about and I’m asking you to support my efforts by making a donation (tax deductible over $2) – to be shared by Beyond Blue and Prostate Cancer Research. I promise  that all I get out of the deal is a few days off the Gillette, some smug self-satisfaction and the opportunity to sling-off at all the girly boys who don’t participate at work.  I also will receive no congratulatory beers, unless that’s your special wish and you find me relaxing (but remarkably dry) at the Pig’s Arms.

To help, you can either:

–    Click this link http://au.movember.com/mospace/682486/ and donate online using your credit card or PayPal account.  These dudes do the receipt and you won’t feel a thing.
–    Write a cheque payable to Movember Foundation, referencing my registration number 682486 and mailing it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 292, Prahran, VIC, 3181

Through the Movember Foundation and its men’s health partners, PCFA and beyondblue: the national depression initiative, Movember is funding world class research, educational and support programs which would otherwise not be possible.

For more details on the impact Movember is having please visit: http://au.movemberfoundation.com/research-and-programs.

Thank you in advance for helping me to support men’s health.

Mike Jones

Warrigal at Movember Week 1

A Puppet Story

28 Thursday Oct 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

Clive Palmer, puppet master, Tony Abbott

"He'll never get to be a real boy at this rate!"

Digital mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

Here we see the real intellectual weight behind Abbott’s leadership. His puppet master Clive “Jabba The Putz” Palmer, generous Liberal donor and registered owner of The Liberal Party Inc., pulling the strings while the evil Pell drops in to offer some more morally compromised advice.

Cyrus Bumper Grande Finale Edition!

27 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Astyages, Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

≈ 63 Comments

The Final Battle: The Massagetae

By Theseustoo

The crossing went ahead with no problems and the army had marched as far into the Massagetae territory as the remaining daylight allowed them before they set up camp for the night. Just before dawn Cyrus awoke with a start. Such a dream he’d had! Into the darkness he called out, “Slave! Bring me Hystaspes!” “At once majesty!” a slave’s voice answered sleepily in the darkness. It was this slave’s nightly habit to sleep across the entrance to Cyrus’ bedchamber, for the sake of his security, whether he was at home in his palace in Agbatana, or in his tent on an expedition with his army. The slave quickly rose and lit a waxed taper from a fire which it was also his duty to keep alight in a large brazier which stood in the centre of Cyrus’ tent; above which a large hole in the centre of the tent allowed smoke to escape. With the taper, the slave then lit a small oil-lamp for his master, who had roused and dressed himself, and then ran off quickly to obey him.

While Cyrus waited for his slave to bring him Hystaspes, he washed his hands and face in a bowl of water which he poured from the golden ewer he kept for the purpose on a stand beside his bed. As he dried his face and hands with a small towel from the same night-stand, the slave returned with Hystaspes. “You sent for me, Lord?“ the Prince of the Arizanti asked with a worried look upon his face. His mind was racing as he tried to think why he had been called to the king’s tent at such an hour. Surely spirits and daemons were all that moved at this hour, he thought to himself, as Cyrus turned first to the slave who had woken him from his sleep and brought him here.

“Leave us!” Cyrus ordered and waited for the slave to do so before he turned to the general and quietly said, “Hystaspes, your son is discovered to be plotting against me and my crown…” Hystaspes gasped in astonishment as his monarch swiftly continued, “I will tell you how I know it so certainly. The gods watch over my safety and warn me beforehand of every danger. Last night, as I lay in my bed, I saw in a vision the eldest of your sons with wings upon his shoulders, shadowing Asia with one wing and Europe with the other.” Again Hystaspes gasped, as Cyrus concluded, “From this it is certain, beyond all possible doubt, that he is engaged in some plot against me.”

As he spoke, Cyrus had been watching the general very closely for his reactions to see if he could discover whether or not Hystaspes was also involved in the plot, whatever it was. He decided however that Hystaspes’ astonishment at hearing Cyrus accuse his son was quite genuine and truly spontaneous as the startled general replied, “Heaven forbid, sire,” Hystaspes protested vehemently, “that there should be any Persian living who would plot against you! If such a traitor does exist, may a speedy death overtake him! You found the Persians a race of slaves and you have made them free men: you found them subject to others and you have made them lords of all. If a vision has announced that my son, Darius, is practising against you, lord, I resign him into your hands to deal with as you will.”

Such readiness to resign his own son to Cyrus’ judgement pleased the king; who had been expecting the general to beg for his son’s life whether or not he himself were implicated in the plot; it said much about Hystaspes’ loyalty to his king and emperor.

“Thank you, Hystaspes” Cyrus responded gratefully, and quickly added, “Your own loyalty to me is beyond question; which is why I’m sending you back to Persia.” Again the general raised his eyebrows in surprise, and then instantly he frowned; he was as puzzled as he was surprised at this latest turn of events; if Cyrus trusted him, why was he sending him back to the capital? Recognizing the cause of his confusion, Cyrus explained, “You are to return at once and ensure that when I return from conquering the Massagetae that you have your son ready to produce before me, so I may examine him. Now inform Pactyas to prepare the army for the day’s march…” Grateful for the chance he realized was being given to him to see for himself whether or not there was any substance to his king’s suspicions, Hystaspes bowed deferentially as he answered, “Yes Sire! At once sire!

*** ***** ***

By sunset of the first day on the enemy’s side of the river, the Massagetae had fallen back a considerable way, and they were followed at a distance of approximately half a league by the Persian army. As the sun started to sink below the horizon both armies stopped and made camp, erecting their tents and pavilions and lighting the usual sentinel and cooking fires. Just as the lower arc of the sun’s disc touched the horizon the expedition was called to a halt. With the familiar ease which comes of many years of practice the wagons were unpacked, tents erected and the cooking and sentinel fires lit; and all before the shrinking upper arc of the sun’s disc at last became a bejewelled sliver before finally disappearing below the horizon; and while they prepared their camp for the evening, the colours in the twilight sky gradually changed from blues tinged with magenta, through pinks and golds to fiery oranges, which darkened to a deep blood-red, tinged with purple; and finally to the deepest shades of indigo as the sky darkened and night began.

By the time darkness was complete the army’s priests had performed the evening sacrifice; and the entire carcasses of the victims were slowly roasting on spits which were turned by slaves over the cooking fires. Wine had been mixed in huge bowls and then placed on the tables which surrounded the cooking fires, while wineskins full of the finest of Persia’s wines were laid out ready nearby to refill them; large golden and silver goblets were already filled and placed on trestle-tables, waiting to be drunk. Soon the evening meal would be ready.

Everything proceeded as normal; all those who were privy to Cyrus’ plans were extremely careful to behave as if this were just an ordinary evening’s camp just like any other. Cyrus had previously instructed Pactyas to oversee the selection of those who were doomed to remain in camp to guard the feast himself. These now waited patiently in their ignorance, while the majority of the army fell back towards the river after Cyrus had suddenly emerged from his tent and loudly proclaimed that his scouts had discovered an attempt by the treacherous Scythians to circle around behind them and strike at their rear.

After a short while, one of these guards grew impatient for the army’s return so they could begin to eat the feast which was spread so deliciously and so invitingly before them. But it was not only his appetite which prompted his impatience; looking around him, he could not help but feel somewhat exposed. They had camped so close to the enemy camp that he realized quickly that their delicious and oh-so-tempting evening meal could not only be seen, but also smelled very easily, by the enemy. Whatever the size of the force the enemy might have sent to outflank them, he realized that the main body of their host were most certainly still in their camp, which was down-wind of the Persian camp; and only a few hundred paces away. As time wore on and the cooking progressed, the tempting aromas gradually became almost irresistible; the proximity of the enemy made him increasingly nervous.

Turning to one of his fellow guards he said, “I know Cyrus is a great general, and if he says he has discovered an enemy plan to attack our rear, then of course he must pull back toward the river to protect us, yet I can’t help feeling just a little bit exposed with so few of us here to guard the army’s meal for their return.” “I know what you mean.” his comrade responded with a brief laugh, “But I don’t think there’s much to fear; Cyrus has never been wrong yet!” The first guard just looked at him, and said cynically, “It’s truly touching how much faith you have in your king!”

*** ***** ***

Less than fifty paces away, hidden behind a large bush, was a Massagetae spy, who, as soon as he witnessed the Persian army’s withdrawal, ran back to his own camp to inform his queen of the Persian army’s curious behaviour. He found Queen Tomyris in counsel with her officers. “It makes no sense, Mother!” Spargapises, Tomyris’ only son, was quite perplexed by his spy’s curious reports, “This man says that Cyrus’ army spent the whole day marching forward, following us as we agreed. Then they prepared a feast… Yet instead of sitting down to eat it, most of the army appears to have withdrawn again towards the river, leaving only a small section to guard their food and supplies; they must surely be planning to return for their meal…”

Tomyris thought for a moment then said, “Perhaps they fear an attack from their rear! They must think we’ve sent a detachment to encircle them and surprise them while they were eating! Hah! These Medes trust no-one! They think everyone else is as devious as they are!”

“Hmmm…” Spargapises said, thoughtfully, “Perhaps we should not disappoint them… If we attack their camp now we can deprive them of their supplies and their meal; by the day after tomorrow, when we have agreed to do battle, they will all be so weak from hunger they will be easy to defeat!”

Tomyris could not help laughing aloud at the thought of thus turning the tables on an enemy who was famous for winning his battles as much through his cunning as through his courage. “An excellent idea, Spargapises…” Tomyris said, “But take no chances, my son; make sure you take a large enough detachment with you to raid the Medes’ camp…”

*** ***** ***

Time passed and the darkness soon deepened to the inky blackness of a moonless night; an effect not alleviated, but if anything, rather heightened by the flickering light given off by innumerable campfires. Paradoxically, while this made the camp itself almost as bright as day, beyond a very limited range outside their glow they only seemed to deepen the inky darkness into which the Persian guards now peered. As the guards continued to peer blindly into this Stygian gloom they began to wonder what was keeping the rest of their army.

Before a full double-hour had passed, however, they heard the sounds they had been waiting for: straining their ears into the darkness they heard the unmistakeable sounds of a large army of booted, marching feet, advancing towards them at the double from the direction of the river. This squadron however had been especially chosen by Pactyas himself; its individual members were recommended to him by their own company’s commanders, who knew the whole of Croesus’ plan. These commanders also knew very well just exactly who the weakest links in their own chains of command were. Thus chosen for it, they were an extremely ill-disciplined lot. As time passed they had very soon broken discipline by sampling the food and wine; so not only were they soon distracted from their duties, but their wits, such as they ever were in the first place, were not presently at their sharpest anyway.

Coupled with this was the cunning of the enemy. In order to minimize his own losses by maximizing the element of surprise as much as he could in his own favour Spargapises’ had his army silently circle round behind the Persian camp just beyond the horizon, so as to approach from the direction of the river. As they finally turned again towards the Persian camp, they made no further attempt to muffle their steps, for they knew they would most probably be mistaken for the Persian army returning to camp; and indeed this is exactly how things turned out. Thinking these footsteps must belong to Cyrus’ army the Persian guards were thus completely taken by surprise. Ill-disciplined and befuddled by wine as they were, they had not even challenged the owners of these rapidly-approaching footsteps; and the darkness hid their identity until the very last moment.

Spargapises’ attack was so swift, so sudden, so unexpected and so ferocious, that it was all over in a few minutes; the guards were slaughtered to a man before they even knew what hit them and Spargapises now had control of the Persian camp. Even the slaves who had been turning the roasting carcases on spits over the fires were butchered.

As he surveyed his handiwork, a Massagetae soldier walked up to Spargapises carrying a platter of food and a large goblet of wine, which he offered to his Prince. “It seems a shame to waste all this food and drink Lord.” the soldier said, “If Cyrus is looking for us to his rear, he will probably go all the way back to the river before he realises there is nothing to fear from that direction…”

Spargapises stared at the young spearman with a puzzled expression on his face, silently demanding further elucidation, “he is not likely to get back until late tomorrow morning at the earliest!” the soldier finished, once again offering the plate and goblet to the prince. “You are right!” Spargapises said, accepting the soldier’s thoughtful offerings, “This little battle has given me quite an appetite… and a thirst! And this Persian food smells so wonderful!”

He tasted a tempting morsel from the plate, and then continued, almost gleefully, “Very well then, we may as well enjoy the feast that our enemies have so generously provided for us!“ In a louder voice he addressed the rest of his army, “Help yourselves to food and drink men; the enemy will not return before morning and we’ll be gone long before then.” His men did not need a second invitation but fell to with a will. The delicious aromas of so much roasting meat, which until the Massagetae invasion had been slowly turned on spits by slaves, were now very nicely cooked; and these tantalizing aromas, delicately flavoured with fragrant and exotic herbs and spices had been tormenting them the whole evening; whetting their appetites ever since sunset; and as it had with their prince, the battle too, had given them all an appetite.

But, just as Croesus had told Cyrus, the Massagetae were completely unfamiliar with wine and its effects, and because after a battle they customarily ate and drank in quantities they felt were appropriately proportional to the victory they had just won, they soon became drunk; and then, deciding they enjoyed the sensation, they became even drunker. Eventually, one by one, they all started to nod off, or, more accurately, to pass out. Even Spargapises was so severely affected by this unusual alcoholic beverage of his enemies, that when the Persian army returned as planned, neither he nor his men were in any position to put up any effective resistance to the near-silent Persian marauders.

Cyrus’ spies had closely watched the movements of the Massagetae from the moment this plan had been decided upon. They had seen the Massagetae spy watching their camp and from their own hidden positions they had observed him run to Tomyris when the Persians retreated. Then they had kept Cyrus informed about Spargapises’ movements and the progress of his attack on Cyrus’ camp as they waited for the right moment. Cyrus had ensured that his men marched back with their footwear muffled with rags for the last few furlongs; and, when the moment was ripe and the Massagetae were all either asleep, passed out, or else too drunk to fight, they silently attacked from out of the shadows. So completely unexpected was their attack that, although a great many of the Scythians were slaughtered, a great many more were taken prisoner as they slept.

*** ***** ***

As Cyrus expected, before noon the following day a herald arrived from Queen Tomyris, the colours of her own royal standard now supplemented by a white flag of truce. “Great lord,” the herald began, “my queen, Tomyris, has sent me to you with these words: ‘Bloodthirsty Cyrus, do not pride yourself on this poor success: it was the grape-juice – which, when you drink it, makes you so mad, and as you swallow it down brings up to your lips such bold and wicked words – it was this poison with which you ensnared my child, and so overcame him, not in fair and open fight. Now listen to what I advise, and be sure I advise you for your own good. Restore my son to me now and leave this land unharmed, triumphant over a third part of the host of the Massagetae. Refuse and I swear by the Sun, the sovereign lord of the Massagetae, that bloodthirsty as you are, I will give you your fill of blood.’”

Cyrus ignored the queen’s threats; they were only to be expected; but he was a bit surprised at this demand for the queen’s son, “So!” Cyrus chuckled with delight, “We have captured the son of Tomyris!” Turning immediately to his general, Pactyas, Cyrus said, “Pactyas, have Spargapises found and brought here to me… “ Then, as Pactyas strode off to obey him he turned back to Tomyris’ herald and said, “Herald, you may inform Tomyris that we have no intention of leaving this country until we have defeated all of the Massagetae! As for her son, I will decide what to do with him after I have spoken with him.”

Presently, Pactyas returned, followed by two large soldiers dragging between them a handsome, well-muscled and long-haired young man in his early twenties. The now-congealed blood on the Massagetae prince’s dark-skinned head and the goose-egg sized yellowish purple lump it failed to hide were his only visible wounds; like many others who had been too drunk to fight, he had simply been clubbed unconscious and then enchained. The hangdog manner in which Spargapises hung his head informed Cyrus of the terrible shame the prince now felt at having been so easily tricked and captured. Such men as this do not make good hostages, Cyrus thought to himself, all too often they either escape or suicide. Either way he realized he was unlikely to be able claim a ransom for this prince, no matter how aristocratic he was, nor how much his mother desired his return.

Instantly Cyrus decided that the best thing to do would be to send him back to Tomyris as a gesture of goodwill and respect for his enemy. “Well then Spargapises,” he said to his captive, “what have you to say for yourself?” Spargapises looked up briefly, but would not meet Cyrus’ gaze, as he shamefacedly admitted, “Great King, you have captured me and made me your slave; but I cannot bear the shame of wearing these fetters! I beg you to have them struck off me and in return I give you my word of honour that I will make no attempt to flee…”

Cyrus was moved with pity for the man’s shame. In any case, he reminded himself, he had already decided to send him home to his mother… “Very well then,” he said, “I shall grant your request… guards, remove his chains.”

The guards obeyed their king immediately, removing the heavy iron fetters from their captive’s hands and feet. But Spargapises had a surprise in store for his captors; as soon as his hands and feet were freed, he snatched a sword from one of the guards and without hesitation stabbed himself with it through the heart. All who were present were stunned by the swiftness and the total unexpectedness of this self-slaughter; but of course, they all now realized that Spargapises had only given his word not to escape; he had said nothing about not harming himself; so he had not lied, but had indeed kept his word. This desperate act, though noble, was not only brutal and futile but also extremely unfortunate; as it took from Cyrus any possibility he may have had of accepting the peaceful retreat which Tomyris had just offered. Whether Spargapises had intended to do so Cyrus could not say; yet his suicide had effectively locked the Persians and the Massagetae on a collision course.

It had nevertheless been an honourable act, Cyrus felt, as he turned once again to the Massagetae herald; and with genuine sadness in his voice, he now said, “Herald, you may inform Tomyris that although I was considering returning her son safely to her, I was prevented from doing so because as soon as I released him from his fetters he destroyed himself. This was not my intention, but regretfully, what is done cannot be changed.” The herald, seeing that there was nothing further to be gained here, bowed respectfully to Cyrus from the saddle and allowed himself to be escorted once more out of the Persian camp.

*** ***** ***

The following morning Tomyris gathered together all of her forces. This time she would show the Persian invaders that they had made a mistake in ever turning their greedy eyes towards the land of the Massagetae. This, of course, was exactly what Cyrus had been expecting; yet although the Massagetae even now outnumbered the Persians by at least two-to-one, he had refrained from harassing the enemy before their battle-lines were ready. It would never do, thought Cyrus, to have it said that the Son of Heaven had won his title with a cowardly or ignoble act; Tomyris’ insult had stung him. But now, he thought to himself, the enemy will learn the meaning of courage! For the Massagetae even now outnumbered him by almost two to one. But by taking on and defeating a much larger and stronger foe, he would thus demonstrate to the whole world not only that he was indeed the Son of Heaven, but also that the Son of Heaven was lacking neither in martial skills nor in courage.

Bronze-tipped arrows fell like rain upon both sides as the two armies approached each other, the missiles gradually thinning out the ranks of both sides until the quivers of the archers were empty and the two hosts closed to fight hand-to-hand with spears and daggers. Of all the battles he had taken part in during his long and exceedingly eventful life, Cyrus had never yet seen one quite as bloody as this. For several hours the fighting continued, with neither side willing to give even an inch of ground; but eventually the superior numbers of the Scythians began to tell as the tide of battle swung slowly in their favour. All too late the Persians realized their predicament as the tide of battle turned against them; it was too late now to do anything but try to withdraw with whatever men could escape, as the Massagetae now attempted to encircle the rapidly-dwindling remnant of the Persian host, which suddenly broke and ran. Massagetae cavalry, armed with brass-tipped lances, now chased down their fleeing foes as they took their revenge for their fallen prince and his comrades; almost all of Cyrus’ remaining troops were slaughtered as they ran; although the Great King himself refused to run and died nobly, facing the enemy bravely and fighting to the last.

When the battle was finished, Tomyris had some of her men search the battlefield for the body of Cyrus. While she was waiting for their return, she constructed a wooden frame from which she suspended skins, which she then greased to make them waterproof; thus forming a sort of leather basin. This she then filled with human blood taken from the corpses of her dead enemies; and when the body of Cyrus was finally discovered she had it beheaded, and, holding the head of her enemy by its long dark hair in her right hand, she dipped it in the blood-filled leather basin, saying as she did so, “Well then Cyrus! I live and have conquered you in battle, and yet by you I am ruined, for you took my son by guile; but thus I make good my threat, and give you your fill of blood.”

THE END

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Lapping it up in Camperdown

25 Monday Oct 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, The Sports Bar

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Camperdown, Petersham

Mallett Street Camperdown, June 2010

Emmjay had grown tired of trying to re-thread the string in his Speedos.  The paper clip shuttle was a mistake and he recalled that a bobby pin was the weapon of choice for a lap around the waistband.

But ever since O’Hoo had been hauled over the coals for the Lambrettista incident, Emmjay had thought better of associating with bobbies – and their pins.  Resigned to a long afternoon amongst the gentlemens’ smalls repair fraternity, he poured himself another “Smith’s” Single malt, giving another tiny Aussie battler distiller a chance at fame in the taste-off at the Pig’s Arms.

A couple of sniffs told him that his old favourite Limeburners was a short half head in front anyway.

It had been a bastard of a week.  He’d been completely unable to avoid work the whole time and had sought solace by ducking out at lunchtime and swimming a couple of dozen laps of the sweetly-heated pool down the back of Petersham oval.

Emmjay was pleased with his new “Nero” cut.  It reminded him of Derek Jacoby playing in “I, Claudius”, or as Tim the Cabin Boy preferred to call him, “Clavdivs”.  It was a swimming-tolerant coif and offered a style statement that was more tolerable than the tragics who had (in epidemic proportions) begun to shave their heads to disguise male pattern baldness.

Baldness was not Emmjay’s problem, but he had grown to despise the kids playing in the back of the Pig’s Arms car park who referred to him by the epithet “Snowy”.  Particularly the little bastard who used to strike the pose and burst into “There was movement at the station” every time Emmjay parked the blue Zephyr and went into the Pig’s for a cleansing Trotter’s – after his swim and before returning to the Wardrobe department at the ABC.

Emmjay was relieved that he had been able to change shifts and avoid the curdling density of the morning news crews, but it was not like the old days.  He felt a profound sense of sad whimsy for the old timers and missed the challenge of picking a tie to go with Jim Dibble’s spectacles – or finding an open neck shirt with a collar big enough to get over Bill Peach’s head without exposing too many acres of chest carpet.

Nowadays there was a new generation of talking heads and the make-up department had set itself a challenge of creating 365 different ‘do’s for Juanita Phillips – without bothering to let Wardrobe in on the joke.  And the ABC seemed to find it more economical to switch newsreaders than it was to buy Juanita a third dress.  Which Juanita overcame, with the assistance of the Brotherhood of St Laurence.  Emmjay was never sure whether he was supposed to press the garment, fumigate it, or nuke it in the department’s microwave.

But the foreign correspondents were even harder to please.  Emmjay recalled the time when Miss Muffett, the tea lady ran off screaming when she miss-heard Darryn Lockyer – on his way to the middle east proclaim that he had “an Iraq need”.

The Smith’s was evaporating fast and Emmjay wondered whether anyone would care if his togs fell down.  Reading his thoughts, Merv smiled.  “You spend most of your life bare-arsed, sport”.  And poured him two fingers more.

“Reckon this rain’s gunna stop soon” ?

“What rain ?”

“Come in from the beer garden, sport.  There’s a good boy”.

The Horse*

23 Saturday Oct 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Poets Corner, Sandshoe

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horse

the old Onehunga School, Auckland, NZ

By Christina Binning Wilson (aka Sandshoe)

I have dreams to tell

and you would have me quiet

demureness your necessity

I have dreams to sell

and you would tell me chastity.

Be still.

There is a horse.

It is in the tree.

My horse is as a friend.

You speak of rain.

It is upon the pane.

* Through a picture window, I watched the behaviour of a canopy of great branches extending across the gully from where an oak tree grew beside the verandah of a bungalow I occasionally glimpsed on the other side; sometimes there was a person was briefly visible seated in a chair. However the wind blew it fascinated me a formation of a leaf at the end of a branch that swayed closest remained to my eye the shape of a wooden horse that was a diminutive gift from Sweden given my daughter as safe keepsake by a friend.

Written at ‘The Castle’, Parnell, Auckland, 1987

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