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Author Archives: Therese Trouserzoff

Cyrus: Chapter 16, part 3

01 Thursday Apr 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

≈ 11 Comments

Cyrus

by

Theseustoo

Chapter 16, part 3 (I think!)

Cyrus and Croesus strode purposefully across the palace courtyard towards their horses, which had already been saddled and were waiting for them together with Harpagus and an honour-guard of fifty of his very best cavalrymen. Cyrus gave his final instructions for the care of Lydia and its capital to the young general to whom it had been entrusted, who kept pace with them as they walked:

“Tabalus, I’ve sent the army back to Agbatana; I’m leaving you here in charge of Sardis. Croesus will come with me to Agbatana. Ionia and Aeolia can wait a while; I have bigger fish to fry… I must take Babylon; if I don’t the Assyrians may strike at our rear. After Babylon I’ll take Bactria and the Sacae and then… Egypt! I’ve instructed Pactyas to collect Croesus’ treasure and follow me to Media. I know… I know… He’s a Lydian, but from all accounts he’s an honest man and I want to show the Lydians that I mean to treat them fairly; they are an honourable people. Be firm with them, Tabalus… as firm as you need to be… but be fair!”

“Yes Lord! I will.” Tabalus said. Then, as his king reached his horse, he added, “but I still think it’s dangerous to trust a Lydian with so much…”

The youthful Prince of the Busae was voicing exactly the concern Cyrus had been expecting from him. Indulgently the monarch smiled; then he gripped Tabalus’ shoulder with his right hand and, shaking it gently, said, “Tabalus, you worry like an old woman! Sometimes it is necessary to take a chance and trust people… If we can rely on Pactyas’ honesty we’ll gain a great deal; if not, we’ll find out who the traitors are…”

Tabalus was only slightly reassured, but although he still felt nervous at least he no longer felt that he needed to worry too much about these newly-conquered Lydians rebelling against their new overlord. In fact, he now felt that his king was virtually inviting a rebellion to start during his absence in much the same manner that one ignores a boil as it erupts and grows and only when the time is right and not before, one lances it. Cyrus’ wisdom was transcendent, Tabalus thought, astounded at his king’s sagacity, as he replied with a sharp salute, “Yes your majesty! Farewell your majesty! May the gods go with you!”

Cyrus nodded his thanks for the officer’s blessing as he and Croesus mounted their steeds and, joining Harpagus at the head of the cavalry column, cantered smartly out of the city gates.

***   *****   ***

Only a few days later Tabalus found himself experiencing something like ‘deja-vu’ as he escorted the Lydian, Pactyas, across the same courtyard towards a baggage train which was waiting along with its guard for its leader.

Although the surviving Lydians had been allowed to keep their own property, all of the wealth they had possessed in the form of precious metals such as copper, bronze, brass and iron had been collected together as a tribute to their conqueror and was now about to be taken away by Pactyas to Agbatana, which Cyrus had been using as his own capital ever since he had defeated Astyages.

“I’ve provided you with an escort of twenty armed guards;” Tabalus was saying to the Lydian, “they’ll see you safely to Agbatana.”

Privately he wished that he could spare more than a mere twenty guards for this particular detail; there were several hundred talents of precious metals in the five huge wagons, each drawn by a team of a dozen oxen, which comprised the baggage-train. But Cyrus had sent most of the army back ahead of him to Agbatana, and twenty men were all that Tabalus could spare.

He consoled himself with the thought that no-one in his right mind would dare to hijack this caravan; one does not rob the Son of Heaven with impunity. And at least he’d made sure the guards were all either Medes or Persians; and that their loyalty to their king was beyond question.

“Thank you Tabalus!” Pactyas replied smoothly. But as he added, “Very thoughtful of you; fare you well until I return…” Tabalus could not help but feel that the Lydian was being disingenuous. Had Pactyas emphasized the word ‘return’, just a little? And if so, was he attempting to lull Tabalus into a false sense of security with this subtle emphasis, that he would, after all, return? Was that mockery he could see in the Lydian’s eyes he wondered; or was it merely his own imagination?

With mounting trepidation Tabalus watched as the far too cheerful Pactyas nonchalantly mounted the lead wagon and led it out through the city gates. As the baggage-train pulled away from the city, with its load of miscellaneous metal items rattling and creaking; and the oxen bellowing their protests at the enormous load they had to shift, Tabalus could not help but wonder how he could manage to be quite so cheerful with such a burdensome responsibility.

***   *****   ***

The baggage train had only travelled a few dozen stades when, due to the mountainous nature of the whole region, they were obliged to travel through a narrow defile between the two sides of a very steep and darkly-wooded valley. The guards, however, were alert to the presence of danger as they marched along. Two guards, well-armed with bows, swords and spears, were seated on a high bench at the front of each wagon; one driving, holding the leather traces which were used to steer the beasts that pulled the massive load, and a long bullwhip to encourage them to greater efforts as and when required. Another guard marched along on either side of the rear axles of each wagon; their eyes constantly scanning the dense forest which covered the high ridges above them on either side for the slightest sign of an enemy.

They saw nothing; for the ambushers had planned well; they did not attack immediately they saw the wagon-train but remained well hidden until they’d allowed the whole wagon train pass by below them, while they patiently waited for exactly the right moment. Only when the last wagon’s rear wheels finally passed their secret marker; a large stone which they had carefully placed beside the road prior to the baggage-train’s arrival; did they finally attack.

But as soon as the last wagon’s rear wheels passed this marker, with exquisite marksmanship, the ambushers first shot the guards and drivers of the rear wagon and then proceeded up the whole column wagon by wagon, as, silently, the dead and dying guards fell unnoticed into the dust. The noise of the oxen bellowing and tramping along, the creaking of the great axles turning and the huge, heavily-laden wagons constantly groaning with even the slightest bump or deviation in the deeply-rutted track, as their contents, much of which was comprised of gardening tools and kitchenware, constantly rattled with every jolt and creak, effectively hiding whatever small, surprised gasps or moans may have escaped their lips as the guards fell dying or dead in the dust.

The noises of the wagons and beasts also covered the small noises made by the archers as, advancing in a broad row behind their quarry, they ran up behind the column and, at their captain’s signal, with great discipline, let fly not singly, or as individuals, but in volleys of arrows; each man having his own predetermined target. At each of the five wagons there were only four targets; and there were fifty raiders; although only twenty ran behind the wagons while the others still hid along the ridges on either side right above them, just in case anything went wrong.

Nothing did; for the team had rehearsed their ambush several times until everyone knew exactly what to do and exactly what was expected of them. Wagon by wagon, their crews were all slaughtered in turn. At each wagon the crew all died in the same instant, each fatally pierced by five bronze-tipped Lydian arrows. Before any of the guards had time to warn the others, they were all dead and lying in the dust, bristling like pin-cushions with the Lydian arrows with which they had been silently slain.

During the whole attack, which in all had taken less than two minutes, Pactyas had remained perfectly calm in his position in the leading wagon; simply maintaining the wagon-train’s slow but steady pace. But, when he saw that the last of the Persian guards; those in his own wagon; had all fallen and realized that the arrows had finally stopped flying, he halted his wagon; and the oxen in all of the other wagons instinctively followed suit. Pactyas then cheerfully descended from the lead wagon to greet the ambushing archers as they now greeted him with their cries of victory and jubilation. He had personally hand-picked these men for their speed and accuracy with the bow as well as their discipline and stealth, as the thirty men still on the ridges now came openly running down the sides of the gorge to meet their leader.

“Well done men!” He exclaimed, congratulating them all enthusiastically. “Now fall in beside the baggage-train; the fishing village of Priene is not far from here; the people there have no love for Cyrus! With their ships and the wealth we have captured they’ll help us to hire mercenaries; many Prienians will also join our cause; and Phocaea will help us too, I’m sure! Cyrus will not hold Sardis for long!”

***   *****   ***

Montymilliganisms 2 _ Hath Lear Gone Mad ?

31 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Neville Cole

≈ 7 Comments

Hath Lear Gone Mad ?

By Neville Cole

Lear Most Strange – Act One, Scene 1

 
SCENE ONE: KING LEAR’S PALACE
Enter Gloucester, Kent and Edmund the Bastard

KENT 
I thought Lear only trusted Albany? What’s this about him and Cornwall all of a sudden?
GLOUCESTER
You got me. The King has been acting pretty queer lately?
KENT
Speaking of pretty. Who’s this lad?
GLOUCESTER
Remember the young maid my wife had after Edgar was born?  Well, I had her as well.
KENT
I’m not sure I follow you…
GLOUCESTER
I knocked her up. You’re looking at the illegitimate spawn of my far-flung seed.
KENT
Well, he seems like a right proper bastard to me.
GLOUCESTER
There was some good sport in his making, if you get my drift. Makes you think that maybe Edgar isn’t my fault after all, doesn’t it?
KENT
I didn’t want to mention it; but Edgar is a bit… well, less than manly.
GLOUCESTER
He’s as straight as a corkscrew. That’s why I’ve let Edmund here move in with us. This big bastard might just make me look respectable.
KENT
Good move, Earl.
GLOUCESTER
Edmund. This is the Duke of Kent. A good man to know. And not a homo, in case you were wondering. He just seems like it sometimes…but then, don’t we all.

A Sennet sounds.

GLOUCESTER
Lear’s here.

Enter Lear, Albany, Cornwall, and Lear’s daughters Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia.

LEAR
Gloucester. Make yourself useful and see to those two morons France and Burgundy. I think they’re hungry again.
GLOUCESTER
Yes sir!
Gloucester and Edmund leave.
LEAR
The damn French are always eating but they never put on weight! How do they do it?
ALBANY
I know exactly what you mean. How can they possibly stand to eat so much cheese? It’s disgusting.
LEAR
Shut up Albany. Can’t you see I’m trying to think? I’ve got two randy foreigners after my youngest daughter. Like I don’t have anything better to do than figure out a dowry. Alright. This is the way it’s going to be? End of story. I’m splitting up the kingdom. I can’t take it anymore. I’m not getting any younger, you know. It’s time for me to retire and enjoy the fruits of my labors. And it’s time for each of you to get off your arses and start earning your keep! I’m just kidding!  Albany, you know I love you…
ALBANY
Thank you, great Lear. 
LEAR
You take good care of Goneril. I appreciate that, I do. God knows it can’t be easy. But do I think you two could run this whole kingdom yourselves? No way! Cornwall. The same goes for you and Regan. And as for Cordelia, she got enough problems with those stupid Frenchmen.
ALL
Sir, I think you are overlooking the experience I have gained during the last eight wars…; Daddy I could too run this kingdom, much better than she could!; You always got everything you wanted…; Etc…
LEAR
Stop snivelling, all of you! I’ve decided. I want to split it up and let you all do your best to make things work. All I ask is you treat me right in my old age. Show some respect. Is that too much to ask?
ALL
No no, m’lord; Daddy don’t even say such a thing!; Of course we’ll respect you!; Etc… 
LEAR
Alright, alright. Now here’s the test. I want my three beautiful daughters to do me a favor. I want you to make an old, tired man feel good about his life. All you have to do is tell me how very much you love me and I’ll let you know which part of the kingdom will be yours – and your husbands – to share. What do you think? That little proposition has your attention, doesn’t it?
GONERIL
We have to tell you we love you?
LEAR
That’s right. Sweet talk me. And the thicker you lay it on the better. I’ve been feeling a little depressed and this is just what I need to set everything straight. The more love I feel, the more generous I’ll be. You could say, I’m in the mood for love. Goneril. You’re the oldest; why don’t you kick things off.
GONERIL
Oh, master. I love you more than words can say. More than riches, more than my own life. I love you more than any child ever loved her father. You complete me.
LEAR
Very nice. Well said. Alright. You can have all of this area here, and, what the hell, these islands as well. Alright Regan, you’re up next.
REGAN
Oh, I love you, sir, as much as she. More so, in fact, because… I don’t care about anything else but being loved by you….boop boop bee doo. I love you… all. You’re the tops, pops!
LEAR
Very good. Very, very good. And some catchy rhymes to boot! This ample third, in every way the match of your sisters, I give to you dear Regan.  And now, sweetest of my loins, sweet Cordelia. What do you have to say about your old man? I still have all this lovely land to give away.
CORDELIA
Oh, geez. What can I say? Love you all? More than life itself? I mean, come on… it’s a bit much. Isn’t it? I love you like a daughter. 
LEAR
What? That’s it? You can’t speak better than that? What the hell have those nuns been teaching you all day? Come on, now, Cordelia. I’ll give you one more try. Please try to paint a prettier picture.
CORDELIA
But how can I say I will love you as much as my sister’s have. You do realize that one day, perhaps soon I will marry? When that day comes I shall give a good portion of my love to that man. I cannot give all to you. I mean, doesn’t that strike you as a little sick? You know, weird? Queer?
LEAR
You dare call Lear queer?
CORDELIA
No, no. It’s just this whole thing. It’s a bit off if you ask me.
LEAR
Off, is it? Well then, off with you, you little slut!
CORDELIA
What?
LEAR
Piss off with you? You getting nothing from me!
 
Enter France and Burgundy. Lear continues his rant.

LEAR
You see all this lovely land. All this could’ve been yours.  But not now! No. Not now! Now? No I say!
KENT
Good, my liege…
LEAR
Shut it, Kent! I’m giving her part to her sisters to divide as they see fit. Her new husband can take care of her!
KENT
My lord… Have you lost your freaking mind?
LEAR
Shut your damn trap, Kent. I’ve made up my mind.
KENT
But you’re not making any sense, you stupid old coot.
LEAR
Kent. I swear to god, if you don’t shut up this instant, I’ll…
KENT
You’ll what? Come on, Lear. I know you. I’ve served you all my life. In every way you asked. You’ve always trusted me, always told me to tell you exactly what was on my mind. I’m Kent the conscience, remember? “If ever I go to do something really, remarkably stupid, you will tell me, won’t you Kent?” Well, sire. This is the time. You are about to do the stupidest thing any stupid King has ever stupidly done.
LEAR
You know, Kent. Your words have given me thought. My thought is… If you don’t get out of my sight in the next 15 seconds I am going to pick up that bow and shoot an arrow right through your eyeball.
KENT
But my liege…
LEAR
I mean it, Kent. You are history. Do not return. Ever.
KENT
Surely, you’re not serious…
LEAR
I’m reaching for the quiver…
KENT
But…
KENT turns suddenly and runs.
LEAR
And don’t call me, Shirley!
 
ENTER France and Burgundy.

FRANCE
Allo.
BURGUNDY
Allo.
FRANCE
Allo.
BURGUNDY
What is going on ere, then?
LEAR
Oh god.  It’s the French.
BURGUNDY
We are ere to fart fer yer dater’s and in mar-ri-age.
FRANCE
Yis. Bet we warnt you to fuck out a gooed dower fer er.
LEAR
Do I have this clear? You are willing to fart over the dower I fuck out?
BURGUNDY
Yis.
FRANCE
Igzatly.
LEAR
Well, I am willing to fuck out fork all for her. Are you willing to fart over that?
BURGUNDY
What?
FRANCE
What?
France and Burgundy babble at each other in French.
BURGUNDY
Q’est qui la ce entrende de la Roi? Etc…
FRANCE
O’ la la. Mais qui, merde. Sacrebleu! Etc…
LEAR
Do you want her? As is? No dower. Fork all? Take her or leave her.
BURGUNDY
Excusy moi, my Roi. But zis iz not part of ze deal. If you are assing me. I say piss. Unliss you cin come up wit zahm lind or gash. Zat is my feenal answer.
LEAR
That’s one down. What about you, France. Are you interested in some damaged goods.
FRANCE
Zis is most strange. She sure must ave peezed you off. What the ell. I’ll tick er. I em after all, as randy as a rabbit!
LEAR
Take her then. And take her often, cause that all you get from me. Well, I don’t know about you, Burgundy, but I need a drink. Care to join me?
BURGUNDY
Yis, me lud. Do you ave some neece rid wane?
LEAR
All the rid wane you can handle my froggy friend. Come let us dine all and drink until we puke.
All begin exit except France and Cordelia. Regan and Goneril pauses suspiciously in the background looking sinister.
FRANCE
I ope I did not offand you, jist now. But I rilly am quite randy for you. I tink you will fand me a gooed laver in a fahn usbind. I tink way shid ave abart eahrt chidrin. Whart di you tink?
CORDELIA
Don’t speak. Please. Don’t speak. Really… I’ll learn French.
Regan and Goneril move center in an overly dramatic way.
GONERIL
Sister, it is not a little I have to say of what most nearly appertains to us both. I think our father will hence tonight.
REGAN
Huh?
GONERIL
We have to talk. Dad is leaving. Tonight.
REGAN
Why didn’t you just say so? (mimicking Goneril) I have to say…what most nearly appertains to us both…father will hence… One year at finishing school and you think you are all that!
GONERIL
He thinks he’s moving in with me.
REGAN
Ha, ha… sucker.
GONERIL
Next month he’s with you.
REGAN
What? No way… We are really busy next month…remodeling the whole csstle…
GONERIL
Oh, he’ll be there to live you next month. Get used to it.
REGAN
Honestly, I don’t know that I can handle him for a whole month. He’s gone completely round the bend lately.
GONERIL
He’s never been the quickest wick in the box, but I’ve never ever seen him like this. Threatening to kill Kent… Tossing Cordelia out on the street like a used up whore…
REGAN
Going off to drink with a Frenchman…
GONERIL
There will be more…much more…and worse if we don’t do something about it.
REGAN
This will take some thinking about…that’s for sure.
GONERIL
We must do something, and i’ the heat!
REGAN
You just can’t stop can you…

Goneril leaves dramatically. Regan follows.
END OF SCENE ONE.

The Adventures of Mongrel and the Runt – 08 – A Long Lunch

29 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in The Public Bar, Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 18 Comments

Harry gets the last of Algernon's things from the van.

Story and Angular  Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

As expected Algernon had been released from the district hospital after both Doctors Wardell and Gruber had declared him fit, with the proviso that he keep quiet for at least a week and preferably two. All the cognitive tests had been clear but they were somewhat concerned that his left eye might yet have some trouble. The retina didn’t appear detached but the cornea was scratched and the aqueous appeared to be draining poorly increasing the intraocular pressure.

The doctors agreed that this may be due to the inflammation associated with the main injury. Perhaps the trabecular meshwork was damaged in some way or perhaps just inflamed. Time and rest would put that all right if there were no real structural damage.

Harry had been released too. He was free of pain and passing pee like a champion, his stones for now at least dealt with.

As Harry packed his small battered leather portmanteau with his pyjamas, shaving kit, his transistor radio and other odds and sods, it was obvious to Algernon that he had something on his mind.

Algernon watched quietly as Harry snapped the latches on the port and sat on the edge of his bed, ruminating on something. Algernon, having arrived in the clothes he was injured in had no packing to do. His clothing had all been washed and ironed by the hospital. There was no indication, no dull brown bloodstain, no green smear of rye grass, no rip or repaired tear, no sign at all of what had happened to him. Except that half his head was swathed in bandages and he now sported a fine looking patch over his left eye. Algernon thought of his ute for the first time since Saturday. He had no idea how he was going to get home or even if he could make it home with his head in the shape it was; and what was he going to do about the ute.

Algernon was surprised when Harry suddenly spoke up, his face as serious as Algernon had seen it.

“Algy, I’ve been doin’ some thinkin’. Not always a good sign, as Dotty use’ta say, but I wanna put somethin’ to ya.” Harry stood up and went over to the window to look down onto the little town. “I was a stranger ‘ere when I first came; didn’ know anyone, felt I didn’ fit in.”

Algy began to feel a little uncertain. Harry being serious was a new experience. While it had only been a few days since they’d met and not under entirely fortuitous circumstances, Harry had been implacably upbeat, a joker full of yarns about old Molong and the characters he’d known. Algernon looked intently at the old man wondering what was in store.

The old butcher plunged in. “The Shire’s got ya in one of their flats, right? I bet it’s pokey and hardly worth the subsidy they pay ya, which they keep anyway seein’ as they own the flat.” Harry paused, looked at the floor and pulled a disgruntled face. “Look I’ll jus’ say it. Why doncha come and stay at my place. At least until the docs give ya the all clear. I’ve got that whole house to rattle aroun’ in and I wouldn’ mind the company. We can look after one another while we recover. Whaddaya sayAlgy?”

Algernon certainly hadn’t expected this invitation; and Harry, realising he still hadn’t convinced him took a chance to land the clincher.

“Besides, you need the company too.” Harry looked directly at Algernon, the older man’s face showing the certainty he felt but at the same time masking his meaning.

Algernon didn’t know what to say. The offer was obviously genuinely felt and sincerely offered but Harry was still a stranger really. Amongst the manly advice offered by his father on his departure from Melbourne was an admonition to keep clear of strangers, to stick to your own kind. Well everyone in Molong was a stranger to Algernon. There were none of his own kind, whatever they were. A sudden and unexpected anger rose in Algernon, almost immediately washed away, transmuted into a magnificent sense of potential. Algernon felt his face flush warmly, he felt the first prick of tears, and then found himself laughing. He couldn’t remember laughing since he’d come to Molong.

The only problem with all this was that it set his head to pounding again.

“Ooooh”, he let go, wincing as he went and hugged the old man. “Harry I’d be honoured. I really would.” It was like the chocks had been kicked out from under his life and he had begun to slip into his future. He had no idea why the invitation sounded so attractive, but he had a growing sense of conviction that if he just let go, didn’t try to make everything conform to his ideas, took it a bit easy for a while, he might just be able to work it out, to find a place where he did fit, to discover his own kind for himself.

Harry didn’t quite know what to do or say. This wasn’t quite the reaction he’d expected and he stood stiffly, his arms locked at his sides, his head back a little, while Algernon wrapped his arms around him. A vivid memory of his son setting off on the Cooee March during the Great War filled Harry’s mind.

“Jesus Algy, it isn’ Buckin’am Palace.” Harry said awkwardly as Algernon released him.

“I’d need to get a few things from the flat first, if that’s all right.” For now all thoughts of his ute and his job and his future seemed less important. He could work all that out later.

Yeah, yeah. No worries.” Harry said, carefully putting the memory of his son back into that precious place where he kept his most private things. Harry too felt the prick of tears but it had been a long time. He sniffed once and smiled at the boy, recovering from this flurry of unfamiliar male intimacy, Harry said with a little too much enthusiasm, “Porky’ll be ‘ere with me van soon. We can get ya kit and get ya settled before tea time.”

Sure enough a little while later Porky turned up in Harry’s shiny black Anglia van and parked it under the ambulance awning.

In the back was a hundred weight bag of spuds and Mongrel and The Runt. The dogs jumped out as Porky put Harry’s port in by the bag of spuds. The Runt took off for a quick pee in the garden while Mongrel made a great show of affection for Algernon. Harry got in the passenger seat. Porky helped Algernon into the back of the van  where Mongrel joined him, resting his big head in Algernon’s lap as Algernon leant on the spuds. Porky turned and putting his fingers to his mouth, issued a piercing whistle, then “Com’on Butch! Gotta go!”

Porky closed the van doors and went and opened the driver’s door. The Runt jumped in, no hesitation, he was safe here with old MacCafferty and Porky. Mongrel could take care of the bloke in the back.

As Porky hit the ignition The Runt jumped onto his lap and sat there proudly looking over the steering wheel as Porky drove downtown, the windshield wipers slapping back and forth as the Anglia splashed through the potholes that always turned up with the rain.

“Transcendent, Mrs. D, that’s how I’d describe it. Ambrosia fit for Angels! Didn’t you think Karl?” Doc asked without taking his eyes off Mrs. D. Doc held her left hand firmly in both of his, covering her wedding ring and ensuring she couldn’t escape until he had finished lavishing praise on her piquant Spanish lamb roast and spicy vegetables. “A feast fit for kings, and perfectly complimented by Karl’s Gewurztraminer, yes Karl?” Still Doc didn’t look at Gruber, who had been drinking Pilsener anyway. The oddly aromatic German white with its curious tropical fruitiness had been a gift for Doc.

He was almost through with his shtick and Gruber was enjoying this almost as much as Doc. “Did I detect a hint of Juniper berries, and was that, anchovy, just the merest soupcon, as well? So adventurous Mrs. D! So exotic!” Doc gave Mrs. D a positively evil look as though he could eat her on the spot. “And not so easily procured ‘round Molong I’d wager. No wonder the good fathers hold on to you,” he paused and added cryptically, “as they do.” Doc continued, “You’re a magician, a culinary demi urge. A gourmet goddess! Why if your husband wasn’t as big as he is, I’d fight him for you right now.”

Doc smothered Mrs. D in his best most gracious and ingratiating smile. His entire focus on ensuring that Mrs D was completely aware of how well he thought of her cooking.

Mrs. Delahunty might have been floating several inches above the Telegraph dining room floor, saved from drifting completely away by the gentle grip of the doctor’s hands. “You exaggerate Doctor. It was never that good.” she gushed. Though it was obvious to anyone watching that she lived for this. “In honour of Doctor Gruber’s visit I’ve made you both a special strudel for desert.”

Doc’s eyes and mouth suddenly shot open wide. He immediately released her hand and threw his arms and head back. Mrs. D actually stumbled a step as though, having lost Doc’s steadying grip, she was without anything to hold her down.

“Take me now dear Lord. There’s nothing more for me here.” Doc mocked, crucifying himself across the back of his chair. The other diners, those that knew him, unable to miss the all too grandiloquent gesture, just put it down to Doc’s occasional theatricality. The strangers just thought him a bit queer.

It was a sign of the esteem Mrs. Delahunty held Doc in that she didn’t chip him about his taking the Lord’s name in vain. She was a very pious woman. It probably also had something to do with the girlish crush that seemed to consume her whenever she cooked for Doc. She simpered momentarily then said cocquettishly, “I’ll leave you two to enjoy your wine. I’ll bring out the Strudel in a few minutes.”

“Thank you my dear Mrs. Delahunty.” Said Gruber in his perfect but beautifully accented English. “You are truly too kind. I’ll try and gather my garrulous friend back to earth in time to enjoy it.” He smiled at Mrs Delahunty and as she turned to go he gave Doc a big wink. “How was I Albert? Do you think I’ll ever flatter in the first division?”

But Doc was visibly deflating. “You’ve a way to go Karl but I begin to discern the outlines of a champion.” He reached over for the wine bottle. “Sit at the feet of the master and learn the wisdom of the ages.” Doc intoned rather sourly while he poured himself another glass of the Gewurztraminer.

As the golden yellow wine tumbled into the glass, spritzing just ever so slightly, the sparkle that had so recently animated Doc seemed almost gone, as though someone were damping down his sun. This turn around in tone was not lost on his friend. Karl poured himself another glass of Pilsener and sat back in his chair his beer resting on his stomach, his chin almost resting on his chest. Suddenly he shot forward, the beer slopping in his glass. He was almost half way over the table before Doc knew what was going on.

Gruber took a pull from his Pilsener and adopted a rather intimate, conspiratorial tone.

“We’re friends Albert, you and I; much more than just professional friends, more even than boyhood friends simply grown up. We’ve chosen one another, as adults.” Gruber licked the froth from his top lip to fill the pause while he ordered his next thought. “We share a kind of shape, of thinking, of outlook. No matter the differences in our origins and upbringing.” With a quick wave of his hand he dismissed these things as unimportant and gathered himself in his chair, twitching a little from side to side as he warmed to his theme, “we’re objective and rational by training and we share a strong belief in the value and meaning of that training; its ability to help people, make their lives better,” Gruber paused and took hold of his glass of beer with both hands, the beads of chilled sweat gathering between his fingers, a single big drop falling onto the table top and spreading into the clean white linen, “but were still men, ordinary men.”

Gruber paused. How do you say the most important things you’ve got to say to a good friend when you know they aren’t likely to thank you for opening Pandora’s box.

Gruber took heart; that was a misunderstanding, an error. Pandora’s box had actually been a jar, and further; in the classic tale, apart from ills and woes the jar had also released hope. Thinking in metaphors wasn’t always the most illuminating process. In fact it often led to ever darker and more obscure insights that seemed to lack a definable connection to reality.

“If you’ll excuse me, indulge me, as a good friend with only your best interests at heart, I’d like to make this metaphorical observation,” Gruber paused again, then added impishly, “based as it is in my extensive training and experience.” Gruber chuckled a small self-deprecating laugh.

Doc was drawn back from the place he had gone a moment ago. Gruber’s insights were always fascinating, if occasionally uncomfortable.

“You strike me more and more these days like a gambler, slowly running out of winning cards, yet you stay in the game, upping the ante at every deal, risking it all on the next hand; and even when you win, the pot is never big enough.”

Doctor Karl-Lenhard Gruber, resident alien and gifted psychiatrist, good friend to all he met, but particular friend to Doctor Albert Edward Wardell took a quick, short pull on the Pilsener while he devised his punch line.

“Has it occurred to you that you may be playing the wrong game?” Gruber looked directly at Doc, his face impassively immobile hoping that his gambling metaphor hadn’t obscured his meaning.

“Metaphors are slippery buggers of things Karl.” Doc was slumped back in his chair, looking down into his lap. “Say what’s really on your mind. It’s not as if your English isn’t up to the task.”

Karl recognised and acknowledged how similar their thinking was with a quick satisfying “humph”. Seeing beyond his friend’s apparently grumpy reply, he struck out into the unknown and unexplored expanse of his friendship with Albert.

“It’s Alice Berty. For God’s sake man can’t you see she’s in love with you? More importantly why can’t you admit you’re in love with her?”

Doc looked up and across at his friend. He’d always construed Gruber’s past intimacy as the most European expression of his personality. Not exactly Germanic, and certainly not Australian; this desire of his to infiltrate to the very heart of a matter, laying bare all the emotion and thinking involved seemed most alien here in the Central West of New South Wales. Men simply didn’t talk to one another like this.

“So that’s your thinking.” Doc sat up in his chair, his eyes though, once more drifted down into his lap. “It’s not quite that simple Karl; and I’m not sure you’re right about her anyway.” He looked up at his friend. “You should have been there for the dressing down she gave me last Christmas at the hospital party.” Doc’s face showed the incomprehension he still felt at Alice’s reaction that day. “I’d saved a kiddie’s life before it had even begun! No one particularly thinks about the effect these things have on the doctor. I thought I was going to lose him,” Doc leant in on the table and added urgently, “I really did Karl.” He sat back again but kept his eyes fixed on his friend’s. “He was six weeks premi, all kinds of complications. It was the most difficult birth I’ve ever attended. It really shook me. I found myself questioning my ability. I was a wreck afterwards. I’d got the call at the hospital before the party kicked off and when I got back the party was winding down. I drank too much of the appalling punch. Someone must have dropped at least a quart of Gin in it, well a couple of tumblers of that, and then the father had given me a cigar; I don’t normally smoke but what with the Gin and the relief of having been able to bring the little bloke into the world without losing him or his mum. Well I did rather embarrass myself, loudly going on at length about the birth and blowing vast clouds of cigar smoke and gin fumes all over the place.”

Doc shook his head, lost for way to make it all come back together.

“My hat Karl, I’m not some spotty teenager to be chipped about underage drinking, or smoking in the toilets at school. I saved the little bloke’s life! Possibly the mother too! They had to take her, and him, to Orange Base. She was in intensive for a few days. He was in a humidicrib for weeks.” Doc nodded his head to one side a few times as if he still had something terribly important to add but just couldn’t get it out.

“It was a disaster Karl, a monumental disaster!”

Suddenly Mrs. D was there at the table with their strudel. Doc, a little uncertain as to how much of his outburst she had heard, tried slipping back into his former mode but he couldn’t get it off the ground.

“Sorry you had to come in on the end of that Mrs. D,” he said with genuine regret. “Just a couple of medicos tossing around a case.” he covered smoothly.

Mrs. Delahunty could see that Doc was uncomfortable and wondered what the queer German had said to upset him. She put the strudels down on the table and offered them both cream. Both quietly accepted. She poured in silence.

“Well I’m sure you’ll work it out Doctor.” Mrs. Delahunty said as she fixed Gruber with a gimlet-eyed stare that left him no wriggle room. As far as Mrs. D was concerned whatever was wrong at this table, the table of her favourite customer, must be Gruber’s responsibility. Doc was too much a gentleman to bring bad feeling to her dining room.

“We’re men of good will Mrs. Delahunty. We will always find a way.” Gruber offered in an attempt to cool things, but he ended up talking to her back as she walked off to the kitchen. Gruber chuckled quietly as she went. “How big did you say her Husband was Berty? You should hope that he never finds out about her secret passion for you. You might end up fixing your own splints.”

That was it for Doc. He just had to laugh; at his own foolishness, at the unending folly of humankind and the importance we give to silly absurd impossible things; but most of all he laughed with his friend who was right, again.

“You know Berty, this strudel is truly excellent,” Gruber said munching on his dessert, “and the cream, I can’t remember cream like this from before. So rich and thick, flavoursome; this is truly a lucky country.”

“Yes we are Karl. Lucky beyond measuring and you’re one of us now. Another denizen of God’s own little acre.”

Gruber’s eyes sparkled as he pushed another spoonful of crusty pastry and fat fruit all smothered in cream into his mouth.

“I really must get your reading list sorted out Berty. “God’s Acre” was a cemetery, in a Longfellow poem. American I know, but still if you’re going to use metaphors you should at least get them right.” Gruber smiled at his friend.

“Bookish bastard aren’t you Karl.” Doc replied with humour and piled into his strudel too

The Politics of Chess

25 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Gregor Stronach

≈ 15 Comments

The Pig’s Arms Welcomes Gregor Stronach

It’s a funny game, chess. Like a Mandelbrot set, there’s more to it than meets the eye – the more you look at a chess as a game, the more it really gets into your soul.

I remember being taught to play when I was a child, by my dear father, and I thank him for providing me with such profound knowledge at such an early age.
But these days, I’m older and wiser. I’ve spent time and effort thinking about chess, and the manner in which it mirrors the outside world – a world where we can move in more than two dimensions, but where the rules of the chess board still, fundamentally, apply.

Let us explore this theory in words. Let me expound upon and thump the tub about the way I see the insufferable sadness of the human condition mirrored, errily accurately, atop the black and white surface of the world of chess.

The World.
The world is, essentially, black and white. Right and wrong. Truth or lie. Do or die. For the pieces that reside in the world of chess experience this stark dichotomy on a daily basis. Their world, such as it is, allows for only restricted movement. They have no real freedoms at all. Worse still, as with the real world, the white pieces have the pick of the action, always allowed to move first, in essence always dictating the moves of the black pieces.

Of course, there are times when the black pieces will move to such a position that the white pieces feel that they have no choice but to react, but we all know that it’s an inherited racism, preconditioned into all white pieces, that force the reaction. It’s fear – the boardgame equivalent of crossing the street when the white pieces see the black pieces approaching them at 2am with burglary and other assorted mayhems on their mind. Or so we think… the reality is that the black pieces are simply on their way to the shop to buy milk, and are happily minding their own business.

The Pieces.
Each of the players in life’s little game has their role, as in real life. From the menial, toilet-bowl washers through to the “do nothing but sit around and look magnificent” top tier of life, all facets of class system are there. As in life, the pieces are more or less defined by what they do. “You’re a doctor? Awesome… settle a bet – is this a boil or a mozzie bite?” – likewise each piece on a chess board is effectively hamstrung, their career chosen at birth and with little chance of respite from the gruelling daily grind…

We shall examine them – one by one – and hopefully gain an insight into each of the little tiny personalities that inhabit the ranks and files of life.

The Pawn.
It’s a damning indictment on the state of the world when you consider this fact: The most populous piece on the board is also the weakest. Like the serfs and peons of eras gone by, the fact that there are 16 of the so-called ‘little people’ on the world at the beginning of any match should supply some glimmer of hope – the most precious gift in the world – to the pawns. But they are not the sum of their parts. Repressed and homogenous, they simply exist to do the dirty work, and to die quietly with as much dignity as they can muster.

The lefty inside me wants to marshall them together, and have a quiet meeting at some out of the way square on the board.

“Listen… guys… seriously. Think this through. There are 16 of you here. 16! You can take anyone on the board on your own, so consider this. What if you all grouped together? Formed a union – a Coalition of the Little… you could rise up, seize the means of destruction and rule the board, making it a charming Utopia in which every piece is of equal value. Yes, even the black ones… It’ll be awesome!”

But we all know, deep in our hearts, that while I paint a picture of supreme clarity and truth, it will never, ever happen. Revolutions of any kind are generally doomed to failure one way or another.

And all it will take is for one pawn to reach the final rank at the opposite end of the board, elevate himself to Queen or King, and we’re back where we started. It’s a crying shame.

The Rook.
Ahhh… the safety and security of bricks and mortar are the lesson to be learned here. How solid and dependable are the rooks? They occupy and guard the outer edges of the world, keeping the other players safe from invading paws of curious kittens and insurgencies of spilt beverages. But how high is the price of such security?

I’ll tell you – it’s a terrible toll. Severely restricted movement, and a mindset programmed to think in unbending lines. Compare this to the United States, where the price of freedom is restrictions beyond their wildest nightmares – a government hellbent on tying down its own people to protect them from themselves, and others.

Thus, the Rooks are the US Government of the chess world. Bulky, cumbersome and programmed to defend and destroy, or die trying.

The Knight.
By immediate comparison comes the Knight, a piece with a wonderfully British outlook atop the chequered arena. It’s movements appear eratic, but are – in fact – carefully thought out in advance, taking into account the dual notions of sense of purpose and unpredictability. They like to give the impression that they might, if pushed, be a rogue state. Their wild nature is characterised by the brumby-like physical representation, which in itself speaks volumes.

But… and there’s always a but… on their own, they are all but useless. Any successful hostile action requires the recipient of violence to be backed, literally, into a corner with all avenues of escape cut off.

And then in rides the cavalry, to take the glory and claim the victory as their own. It’s typical, if you ask me… the horsey set always likes to think of itself as punching well above its social weight. When they’re not prancing about the board of life, you’ll find the Knights playing polo and drinking champagne.

The Bishop.
Imagine a life where you are confined in your thinking to a single shade. Black or white, once you are placed in your initial position, that’s it – you may not ever occupy a square of the other shade. You must only believe in the one thing, forever more, until you are killed or the war is won.

It’s a damning indictment upon life off-board – where religious views are expounded upon at length, but rarely scrutinised and never challenged. As with any belief that is set in stone, it invariably ends in tears – it’s okay to have convictions and a strong set of moral values, but without wriggle room, it’s easy to end up trapped. If you cannot see the other side of an argument, you are doomed to lose.

The other telling point about the Bishops is that they do not move in a straight line – not in the classical sense. They’re sneaky, often arriving unexpectedly from the far side of the world to wreak violence and brutality upon those least expecting it. All of this from a man of the cloth? It’s wrong… but it’s the way of the world.

The Queen.
The Queen is the most honestly representative piece on the board, in terms of power, gender politics and potential capabilities. As a female, the Queen is the sole representative of women. As in the real world, women are horrendously under-represented in the upper echelons of power. This is, of course, coupled with the obvious glass ceiling – the Queen can never become the King, as the King never dies. Add to that the constant threat that one of the pawns may indeed reach the far rank of the board, and suddenly the Queen has another contender for the favours of the King. It’s horrible… and an eerily accurate reflection of the real world.

This is tempered by another fine example of art imitating life. Despite the horrifying inequities faced by the Queen every day, she is quite clearly the most powerful piece in the world – and deservedly so. The iconic image of a strong woman with immense dynamism and efficacy is one that justifiably succeeds, transcending the hardship that women face to become, literally, the monarch of all they survey.

The King.
Bloated, corpulent and lazy, the King is a figurehead – a lumbering dinosaur whose only relevance to the world at large is to simply be. Without him, all is lost – but his presence serves only to provide purpose to the lives of others, who must live and die to protect him.

On many levels, I’m sure the other pieces have grown to hate the King. The King is little more than a chubby dictator – his whims to be observed, his life sacrosanct.

His slothfulness and propensity for avarice have clearly made him far too hefty to move too far too quickly – so that while he enjoys the same privileges of freedom of direction as the Queen, she will leave him far behind should the shit really hit the fan.

And to be frank, were I the Queen, I’d leave him behind too. If he can’t get his act together enough to be able to move fast should the need arise, he deserves to die. Let his lackeys from the church and stable look after him – the Queen will be seeking safe passage to Lichtenstein within the hour.

In conclusion.
It’s obvious to even the most casual observer that chess is indeed a game – one that has its roots in the violence of conquest and its complexities founded in the notion of human interaction. But at the end of the day it is – just like the life and universe it mirrors – just a game. It’s unbalanced and bigoted, often violent and strangely bleak… and that’s the way we seem to like it.

I give this game four and a half stars out of five.

 

 

This piece was first noticed en passant in http://www.rumandmonkey.com/articles/313 
 

The Adventures of Mongrel and The Runt 07

23 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 33 Comments

Jimmy's Cafe Is For Sale Today

Story and Photograph by Warrigal Mirriyuula

07 Monday Morning And It’s Coming Down.

Chook Fowler started the day at the Central School. Best to get it out of the way early. That way he wouldn’t be able to concoct an excuse to put it off again.

As he walked across the hall after his introduction, the children all sitting cross legged on the floor, his uniform was doing all the work. The children seemed caught up in an uncertain expectation. It wasn’t everyday that a policeman came to assembly.

He stood on the low podium in front of the children, his tunic buttons glinting under the lights. Using his best policeman’s serious voice he said in a rather too stentorian tone for his young audience, “You headmaster has brought a matter to my attention that I feel must be dealt with swiftly.” conveniently sidestepping the fact that he’d been putting it off for a fortnight as not germane to his current purpose.

“Some of you are behaving like guttersnipes!”

A crash of thunder shook the assembly hall. That seemed to surprise them. He fixed the Kinders at the front in his steely gaze and looked along the entire row. Several of the children squirmed uncomfortably and twisted their little fingers together, their mouths slackly open, their eyes widening as another crack shook the window sashes.

“There have been complaints that some of you, an untidy and irresponsible minority, are throwing your lunch scraps anywhere it suits you, including over Mrs. Bell’s back fence.” Fowler’s eyes immediately darted to the little group of fifth class students, already singled out as the culprits. “It’s unsanitary, encourages vermin and worst of all, Mrs. Bell’s cat “Tinker” fell ill!” Young cat lovers throughout the hall began to scan the room for the culprit but Fowler was now looking directly at young George Cassimaty.

“She had to take it the vet. Cats aren’t supposed to eat salami and fetta cheese. Nor are they likely to thrive on olives, or bread. It blocks them up and they can’t do their business.” The children began to snicker. The stern police sergeant was talking about cats pooing.

“This sort of behaviour has got to stop right away.” Fowler said forcefully.

The children, thinking he meant the snickering, all fell instantly silent. Fowler, surprised by the sudden quiet, having thought just a moment ago that he may have lost his audience to uncontrollable scatological sniggering, recovered and went on, “The school has bins in the playground for that sort of thing and if I hear any more reports of this thoughtless behaviour, I’ll be back, and it’ll be “Goodnight Irene” for the untidy little beggars responsible.” Another shiver of uncertainty rippled through the hall as Fowler covered the room with his hard policeman’s stare.

That should do it, thought Fowler as he turned, and with a wink thanked the headmaster for “this opportunity”. The good-natured sarcasm was lost on the Head who had replied graciously, “Any time.” as Fowler walked from the hall.

George’s guilt kept him thinking. Mrs. Bell was a cranky old stick. It was only the brave that went over her fence to fetch a lost ball. She’d fly out of her back door faster than anyone her age had a right to, swinging her straw broom and threatening mayhem if you didn’t get out of her yard. She’d even turned the hose on him a couple of times when she’d caught him and his mates stealing the nectarines off her tree; but he didn’t want to hurt her cat. George liked cats and Tinker in particular.

George Cassimaty hung his head. All the kids had been doing it, but his was the only lunch with the menu described by the policeman in what George thought of as “the evidence”. Well him and his younger brother Paul, but Paul’s lunch box always went home empty. Paul had an enormous appetite and after Mum had made and packed the lunches for the boys Yaya always packed a little more for Paul; he was a growing boy she said. His mother, the junior Mrs. Cassimaty, was hoping that he might stop growing, around the middle. Young Paul certainly wasn’t little Paul and her elderly mother in law wasn’t helping by packing his lunch box with extra sweet Greek treats.

George felt the beginnings of an uncomfortable obligation begin to stir in him. It wasn’t as if he could hide from his responsibility as part of his little gang of mates. It hadn’t been their lunch scraps that made Tinker sick. He’d have to go and apologise to Mrs. Bell personally. He heard his father saying, “A good man admits his mistakes and makes amends.” George would have to go and make amends with Mrs. Bell. Finding the courage to take the first step, that was going to be the real problem.

Downtown a shop assistant tore off a good length of brown paper from the roll by the big brass cash register and wrapped Beryl’s purchases, sticking the large package down with broad sticky-tape. Porky had promised to teach Little Bill how to swim this summer so she and Clarrie had decided to get the little fellow a new pair of trunks, some flippers and goggles and a snorkel. It would be his big gift from Santa at Christmas. Beryl pushed the package down into her shopping trolley and, standing up on tiptoe and turning, she spied Alice over in Ladies Apparel and Accessories. Alice wanted a new pair of walking out gloves to go with the new summer hat she had bought in Orange a few weeks ago. As Beryl came over Alice was adjusting and admiring some new seasons cotton gloves in a mirror at the counter. Beryl stood by wondering whether she too needed a new pair of gloves and as she tried to make up her mind her eye strayed to a display that featured an elegant clear perspex arm dressed in an equally elegant silk and lace opera glove. The wrist was dripping with sparkling rhinestones. Beryl began to titter behind her hand.

“I’m sorry Alice. I’m not laughing at your choice,” Beryl said still chuckling, “they’re lovely.” she said indicating the gloves Alice was admiring in the mirror. Beryl flapped her other hand at the opera glove as she tried to explain and laugh at the same time, “It’s just that I can’t imagine for the life of me who in Molong would want opera gloves.”

Alice nodded assent but was still bound up in deciding between two different pairs of gloves.

While Alice tried to make up her mind the absurdity of the display got Beryl thinking. When it was all said and done gloves on women, particularly in the summer heat of Molong, was just another of those incredibly silly things forced on women by social convention. Out here in the country gloves were something you put on to protect your hands from the damage of hard work or against the bitter mid winter cold, not something to satisfy some unwritten social code. The Women’s Weekly idea that a woman wasn’t properly dressed if she appeared in public with out a hat and gloves and her handbag looped over the crook of her left elbow; well it was too silly; like the notion that only a certain kind of woman wore trousers. Beryl decided then and there that she’d never buy a pair of dress gloves again. Let the ladies at the CWA stare and tut under their breath. Beryl knew how good her scones were and her dark marmalade was admired at many breakfast tables around Molong. Beryl could hold her own and the CWA ladies would just have to get used to it.

Alice had been distracted all morning and finally decided she wasn’t in the right frame of mind for choosing gloves. She pulled them off finger by finger and handed them back to the assistant who enquired whether there was anything else she could help “Madam” with.

“Actually it’s Miss,” said Alice, as though somehow she had only just woken up to this seemingly incongruous fact, “and no, there ‘s nothing more I want.” though of course there was a great deal she wanted if only she could work out what it was and how to get it.

Alice turned to Beryl, “You know Bee, I think I’ve had just about enough of gloves for today. Let’s go and have our tea.” She turned and thanked the shop assistant who had already retired to lean on the cabinet at the back of the counter, her face assuming the bored teenage indifference of the universal shop assistant.

“Hhmmm.” said Alice disapprovingly, then hooked her right arm around Alice’s left elbow and they walked out of the store like two schoolgirls. Outside The Western Stores the rain was belting down on Bank Street so Alice and Beryl got out their brollies and dashed up the street towards the Telegraph, Beryl’s shopping trolley bouncing along behind.

Alice pulled on Beryl’s arm as they came under Jimmy Hang Sing’s awning. “Just wait a moment”, Alice said, indicating the two men sitting in the rain slicked, glistening green Humber pulled up outside the Telegraph next door. It was Doc and that funny German Gruber come for lunch. Alice pulled Beryl into Jimmy’s doorway.

Beryl saw the men and then turned to her friend and said, “You really must sort this out Alice. You can’t go on like this, you work with the man nearly every day.” Alice, embarrassed, turned her head away. Beryl gently laid a finger on Alice’s chin and turned Alice’s face to look into her eyes. “To be frank with you, I’m almost certain that you unsettle him as much as he does you.” Beryl smiled an encouraging smile. “Doc’s never going to make the first move. He thinks of himself as a lifelong bachelor, not the marrying kind. All that flirty ladies man palaver is just to cover his loneliness. I’m certain of it.” Beryl looked straight into Alice’s eyes. She was her best friend and apart from Clarrie and her Mum, Alice was the only other person Beryl felt she could share her most intimate thoughts and dreams with. If Alice and Doc could have a tenth of what she and Clarrie shared she’d be a lucky woman. “You really must tell him how you feel.”

Alice looked stricken. “But I don’t really know how I feel!” Alice exclaimed biting her bottom lip. She was disappointed with herself. A grown woman so discombobulated by a mere man; but then Doc wasn’t just any man. Alice let go a huge sigh.

The men got out of the car, jumped the streaming gutter, shook their coats off under the pub verandah and went inside, so Alice and Beryl stepped out of Jimmy’s doorway, finally entering the pub by way of the carriageway and the back stairs. In a few minutes the kettle was on in the kitchen and Doc and Gruber were seated in the Dining Room going over Mrs. Delahunty’s bill of fare.

This was going to turn out to be a very interesting lunch for them all.

A Baha’i New Year

22 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Astyages

≈ 19 Comments

by
Theseustoo

My young musician friend rocks the party… I also played a few songs to amuse the assembled throng.

It was a hot Sat’dee arvo, but the kids had a ball playing in the pool!

A happy Baha’i New Year to all piglets!

A couple of weeks ago I was privileged to attend a party in celebration of the Baha’i ‘intercalary days’. These are the ‘leftover’ days at the end of the Baha’i calendar and are celebrated much the same as we celebrate the New Year, but with little, or no alcohol… The celebration was a real family event, and all the kids had a ball playing in the pool while the adults sat around eating all the wonderful food which was provided by the hosts and some of the guests; chatting and generally enjoying each others company and a pleasantly warm afternoon. These are genuinely very friendly people and I had some very pleasant conversations with people I’d never even met before.

The party’s entertainment began with the dancers in the pictures, whose names I sadly omitted to ask (Jeez, I’d never make a journalist! I must try to do better next time!). This was  followed by my young musician friend, whose name I have difficulty remembering because I have difficulty pronouncing it! After this I played a few songs myself and finally, after dark, we ate corn on the cob, Persian style: roasted over a bonfire in the garden then dipped in saltwater, before gifts were given prior to everyone going home.

Now there was a significant difference in the gift giving… all gifts were provided by the host, Farhad, who made sure nobody went home without one! I scored a nice new soldering iron!

After the intercalary days, the first month of the Baha’i year is their month for fasting; this is essentially the Baha’i version of Ramadan, and a reminder of their Islamic origin. I can’t say too much about it except that eating and drinking are taboo during daylight hours for this month, although their are allowances made for age and infirmity, and pregnant women are also not obliged to fast.

All in all, a good time was had by all and I must say that Baha’i parties are undoubtedly the most peaceful ones I’ve ever attended!

These girls really know how to 'shake it'!

The party really got underway when the dancers turned up!

This dancer’s claim to fame is playing a fairy called ‘Columbine’ in the Aussie TV series, “The Fairies”.
Love the outfit too!
I could watch this girl dance for hours!

Ditching Typhoid Mary for Five Days at the Fat Farm

18 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Ladies Lounge, Susan Merrell

≈ 13 Comments

Green Acres

Story and Photograph By Susan Merrell

I live with a modern, male version of Typhoid Mary.

What’s more, it’s not only one disease that’s his problem – bugs are attracted to him like moths to a flame.  For instance, how and where had he caught the virus that had his temperature soaring while producing no other symptoms?  The doctor was flummoxed.  Being a suburban accountant the odds of picking up exotic diseases are negligible?  All was revealed during a documentary that my son was watching.  His father had Q Fever – a virus usually lurking at abattoirs. His father had visited one in a professional capacity to value the business for legal proceedings.  It was the first and only time he had visited an abattoir, but Q Fever had found him nevertheless.

Luckily he has the capacity for a quick recovery, a bit like Typhoid Mary who was a carrier but totally asymptomatic, the diseases rarely lay him too low.  However, the people with whom he shares his ailments are often not so lucky.

Having lived with this man now nigh on 25 years, I know his legendary power to infect all those who share intimacy with him – mostly me.  Quarantining has proved successful.  Just one sneeze and he’s banished to the spare bedroom.

Sometimes this is not possible, like when away on holidays.  Our last European trip was during the SARS epidemic.  Yep, he got it – and he passed it on.  In case you’re wondering, we both survived.  I told him there was every chance he wouldn’t survive the next disease he passed onto me.

Hindsight has proved this to be an idle threat because I’m just recovered from a nasty bout of flu, passed onto me by my loved one.  This hasn’t cost him his life – but it’s cost him.

It’s cost him the price of five days in a health retreat for me, for some rest and recuperation. There is absolutely no truth to the rumour that the visit was because of a need for weight loss. But, then again, there was no harm in killing two birds with one stone, was there?

So, no alcohol, no caffeine no fatty foods for five whole days – sounds like hell doesn’t it?  It was anything but.

It started with the overwhelming sense of tranquillity as I walked through the 12-foot-high front doors of this Hunter Valley retreat (NSW) into the two-storey foyer.  It was a portent of things to come.

It’s so luxurious: the private suites are spacious with spectacular views over the Hunter Valley and it’s grapevines (irony not lost), and bathrooms to die for.  In the evenings, when you’re at dinner, someone comes to turn down your bed and lights an oil burner with scented oils.

Just when you think it doesn’t get much better, there’s the spa where ‘treatments’ such as massages and facials are offered. Then there’s the food.  It’s so good that you’d never know it was of the healthy variety.  In my opinion it’s the best in the Valley even though the Hunter is renowned for its food and wine.

But it’s not all beer and skittles, so to speak.  This is a health retreat and throughout the day (non compulsory) activities are offered hourly from 6.30 in the morning until around 5 p.m.  For those who feel energetic and want to get fit or lose weight there are the strenuous kind, for the others there are more gentle pursuits – one day an hour of ‘boot camp’ was offered for instance with an alternative of ‘smile meditation.

Not being a wuss, I always picked the strenuous option.  It was confronting.  Believing myself to be pretty fit, I nonetheless found that in boxing, circuit training, walking, boot camp, spin class, tennis, volleyball et al, I was always the weakest link.

On the regular 4.5 kilometre morning walk, the only way I could keep up with the pack was to run like the clappers down the hills to give myself a head start for when everyone caught up with me on the flat or on the uphill miles.

Kangaroos grazing on the golf course would look at me quizzically as if to say, “why isn’t she with the others?” One morning I almost ran straight into one coming the other way.  We stopped and stared at each other both wondering who would blink first.  I did.  Those kangaroos are HUGE.

Then there was the 10 kilometre hike that was not half as strenuous for me as for our guide who walked with the fast walkers at first (read: everyone but me) and then had to wait for me to make sure I hadn’t got lost only then to have to run, again like the clappers, to catch up with the others.  He did this several times, not once complaining – bless him.

Being the weakest link at boot camp was a big disadvantage: We were given the job of getting out some ping-pong balls from the bottom of a six-foot tube without tilting the tube.  We were competing against another team.  The only way to do so was to float the balls to the top.  Water and buckets were provided at the other end of the field, so running was involved.  As the slowest runner, ( I hated just admitting that!) my task was to hold the tube upright.

But these people are dastardly.  After a few bucketfuls, the tube sprang a leak, then another one.  Yep, they’d drilled holes all the way up.  As the tube holder, I needed to stem the leaks.  My fingers stretched to 3 holes then I needed to deploy my tongue.  This involved turning my head to the side.  Due to the inaccuracy and haste of the runners more water was poured into my ear than into the tube.  I couldn’t protest – my tongue was otherwise occupied.

The situation worsened when others needed to be deployed to stem the leaks further up the tubes.  It was a hilarious.  While I’d like to say we won, we never.  Should I have opted for smile meditation? Well, no one ever lost weight practicing smile meditation, did they?

Just as the ignominy of always being the weakest link threatened to overwhelm me and put me off my dinner (I made that last bit up) I had a ‘light bulb’ moment.  It had taken me four days to realise that while I was beating myself up for being useless, the other useless ones were at stretch class.

They’d been engaged in deep-water running while I was pounding the pavements and walking up hills so steep that noses almost touched the tarmac. And moreover, most of the people indulging in the strenuous activities were younger than me, sometimes a lot younger.  That’s my excuse – it works for me.

I loved my five days at the fat farm.  The most enjoyable aspect was the complete absence of responsibility.  The worst was having to confront my own physical inadequacies and to realise an Olympic Medal is never going to be – but I reckon I could have outstared that kangaroo if my courage hadn’t failed me. Next time.

Crikey’s Video of the Day – Rocks !

16 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Bands at the Pig's Arms, Emmjay

≈ 5 Comments

Great Works of Art as Told by Rock Music

The Neighbours Are Coming To Rock our Roof

16 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 6 Comments

Story and pictures by Warrigal Mirriyuula

When I was a kid I used to hang out with a crowd of mates most of whom lived in one street. We were known as The Dora Street Gang and we got into all sorts of trouble. One of our favourite pastimes was to select some hapless individual on whom our current ire was focussed and we’d go and “rock their roof”. Most roofs in those days being iron, this made an unholy racket inside the house and could be relied upon to wake the dead.

Well I’ve grown up a little but it seems the universe still wants to play this game.

One of the neighbours is coming to rock our roof and if it all goes to plan they’re going to make a mess like we’ve never seen.

This bad tempered neighbour goes by the unprepossessing name of Gliese 710. One of a number of stars that share the name Gliese; but this one is full of bad attitude and it’s on a trajectory that will see it pass within approximately 1 lightyear of the Earth.

We’ve got time to take cover though. This isn’t going to happen for about 1.4 million years. I can hear you all exhaling a sigh of relief.

So what’s it all about?

Gliese 710

Gliese 710 is a dull, red dwarf: a small, dim star. It only shines with four to five percent of the Sun’s luminosity and it’s mass is only half that of the Sun. Not so worried now? Well it’s still a STAR we’re talking about here! And that’s not the kind of object you want to find in your backyard in the morning: Gliese 710 is more than fifty times as big as the Earth, and more than 100,000 times as massive. Oh, and it BURNS with a thermonuclear fire!

The main problem isn’t the star itself but the gravitational and orbital shake up it will deliver to the outer solar system. Out there, way beyond the outer planets, even beyond the Kuiper Belt; that repository of all the left overs from planet building at the beginning of the solar system; is a halo of slush, ice and rocks called the Oort Cloud. It surrounds the whole solar system.

Outskirts of the local system

When Gliese comes to rock our roof it will be these stones and comets that it’ll be using as ammunition. The gravitational perturbation will see a great deal of this material torn from already unstable orbits and thrown in towards the centre of the solar system. The gravitational attractor that is the Jupiter Saturn combo will absorb a great deal of this incoming debris. Problem is they won’t catch it all and for many tens to thousands of years we are gong to have to keep our heads down.

Just like today and every day since the beginning of the solar system we are at risk of an impact event. Most of these impacts are small and do no more than minor and very localised damage. A lot of the incoming bolides, snow balls and the like don’t even hit the ground. They either evaporate or burn up on entering the atmosphere, some explode aerially, other touch down with a thump that probably frightens the cows but is of little consequence otherwise. Every now and then though we get a big one and those big ones do catastrophic damage locally and can effect the entire planet. In a “worst case scenario” we get an extinction level event or ELE. This last happened some 65 million years ago when a block of rock and ice about 10k across splashed down in what is now the Gulf of Mexico. Goodbye dinosaurs; and after an appropriate period of reorganisation and re speciation, hello mammals; and look what we’ve done with the old place.

“Yeah, yeah” I can hear you all saying, “but what’s really going to happen?”

No one really knows and we are unlikely to know until such time as some astronomer cries, “Incoming!” and starts plotting trajectories.

These bits of planetary flotsom will come in all sizes, shapes and compositions from solid rock to water and methane ice. The only certainty is that we will get hit. Whether we survive or not will be determined by the size of the imapctor and the velocity it strikes at so lets’s get a little perspective.

The Beginning of the Worst Day of Your Life

Let’s say the impactor is about the size of the average back yard; that’ll strike with the equivalent force of approximately 10 to 15 megatons of TNT and would entirely destroy any city that it struck. If it was the size of a couple of football fields, that’s about 100 megatons and would destroy a continent sized area. Now we really should be shaking in our boots because say it was the size of, oh I don’t know, say the Sydney CBD from Circular Quay to Park Street; that would devastate, entirely waste that half of the globe it struck, and the other side wouldn’t do so well either. 100,000 megatons of TNT can do that. Then there’s the big daddy of them all; say about the size of the distance from Sydney Heads to the Gladesville Bridge. If it’s that big then the entire planet’s in for a very bad day indeed, possibly the wost day for 65 million years. That’s the equivalent of 100 gigatons of TNT, a full blown extinction level event and the only advice I have is to stick your head between your legs and kiss you arse goodbye. No one’s coming out of that alive.

Here’s how it might happen.

As the impactor strikes the atmosphere it will immediately consume all the air it does not blow out of the way. The sky will light up with a blinding incandescence almost immediately followed by the impact itself. The impact will vapourise the ocean should it strike at sea, causing tsunamis hundreds to a thousand metres high. On land it would vapourise the earth’s crust and penetrate down to the upper mantle, simultaneously hurling all that vapourised rock up beyond the stratosphere. Moments after impact hundreds of cubic kilometres of impact debris is shot up into the sky leaving a vacuum into which crashes the atmosphere and similar volumes of water in the form of chaotic tsunamis should the impact happen at sea. The aerial blast wave begins propagating at high speeds and wraps the planet in very high winds tearing at the very fabric of the planet itself. Nothing within 1,000k of the impact can live. This is an 11 to 13 on the Richter scale and the whole planet would ring like a bell for some time after impact. On the opposite side of the globe to the impact the converging crustal shock waves will throw up a small mountain range almost instantly but they’ll still keep going for some time yet. The event will trigger wide scale vulcanism and fault related earthquakes. The oceans will be filled with criss crossing tsunamis, the sky will be filled with the gathering soot and dust of the impact.

But wait there’s more!

What goes up must come down. In less than a minute after impact a couple of hundred thousand cubic kilometres of molten rock has been thrown up into the sky. Some will reach escape velocity and exit the atmosphere, but it too like all the material that will be retained within the atmosphere will soon enough give itself over to gravity and begin it’s inevitable descent back to earth and this is where the destruction really begins.

Depending on where on the globe and the nature of the source rocks at the impact site, the atmosphere may very well be corrosively acidic, certainly unbreathable. Then the sky will light up again with a meteor shower quite unlike any ever witnessed by a human being. The sky will be quite literally filled with all the infalling burning debris and that will heat the entire atmosphere. It has been estimated by workers in this field that the heat reaching the ground may exceed 10 kilowatts per square metre within an hour of impact. That in turn cooks the soil to about 400degreesC.

And then comes the post impact winter. So much debris has been thrown into the air, so much soot and smoke from continent wide fires, acidic aerosols from smashed rocks, that the sun may not penetrate to the ground for months to years. No photosynthesis, no plants; no plants, nothing for the animals to live on.

It would take several million years for life to speciate back to similar levels of diversity and complexity and there’s no guarantee that any of us will be around to see it.

Sobering stuff, but it won’t happen for nearly a million and a half years so you’ve got time to plan for your family’s safety.

An Update from Reuben on the Live Sheep Trade

15 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 20 Comments

Bound for Oman

Mostly Live Sheep Bound for Oman

By Reuben Brand

The event was opened by Lord Mayor Clover Moore, then yours truly presented findings from his investigations throughout the Middle East.

I screened a video of what I uncovered during my time in abattoirs and livestock markets as well as a video I shot whilst in Townsville and Dinmore of meat workers who have now lost everything due the the live export trade.

Federal President of the Australasian Meat Industry Employees Union (AMIEU) Grant Courtney then took the stage and talked through the devastating effects live export is having on the Australian meat processing industry.

WSPA Programs Manager, Emily Reeves spoke about the horrendous animal welfare issues and undeniable cruelty that goes hand in hand with the live export trade.

Then it was time for Q and A – a sheep farmer stood up and asked a number of pertinent questions – he also told over 100 people how he gets paid exactly the same amount of money for his sheep regardless whether he sells them to live exporters or local processors. So why not support local industry instead of sending much needed jobs and money offshore?

Below are some links to the media attention we have been getting – loads more to come:

SBS news coverage: http://player.sbs.com.au/naca/#/naca/wna/Latest/playlist/Call-for-review-of-live-sheep-exports/

The Age: http://www.theage.com.au/national/unlikely-allies-fight-live-exports-20100310-pzae.html

The Daily Telegraph: http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/national/calls-to-end-australias-inhumane-sheep-export/story-e6freuzr-1225839210631

ABC Online: http://www.abc.net.au/rural/news/content/201003/s2841698.htm

ABC Radio National: http://www.abc.net.au/rural/telegraph/content/2010/s2842916.htm

Below are the two videos I put together – the first is from my investigation in the Middle East – the second is from the Meat workers I interviewed in Townsville and Dinmore. Both were broadcast at the event. Feel free to upload them at the P/A

M.E. investigation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he6Fy9foKWM
Meat worker interviews: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz0PJC8315s

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