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Author Archives: Therese Trouserzoff

Hell Hospital: Episode 5

03 Thursday Dec 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Hell Hospital

≈ 31 Comments

By theseustoo

(Disclaimer: this series of stories is completely fictional and none of the persons, places or institutions in these stories are real, but figments of my own imagination. Any similarity to any real person, place or institution is entirely coincidental.)

Swannee, though tall and ruggedly handsome, was that rarest of all types of man, a faithful one. He loved his ever-fertile and almost always pregnant wife and ten tin lids; he was looking forward to the eleventh, so that he’d have his own cricket team; and the faintest trace of the remotest possibility that he might ever allow himself to entertain the slightest thought of ever being unfaithful to his beloved wife, Catherine, had not even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing his mind… in spite of the brevity of the journey.

Swannee was also just daft enough to be honest and to love simplicity; all the lies and deception which invariably accompanied infidelity were far too complex for his simple soul, so infidelity was the very last thing he would ever consider with anything but horror and revulsion.

His wife loved him for it with absolute devotion, of course. Named after the Catholic saint who had been executed by being crucified to a spinning wheel of fire, Catherine loved her husband deeply and felt it was her Christian duty to pump out as many sprogs as she could for him… She would give him the cricket team he had always said he wanted! She was almost there… another three months and she would pop sprog number eleven… Her beloved Swannee would finally have his cricket team! However, recently, she had secretly begun to wonder, with just a trace of nervous trepidation, whether or not he’d want the two reserves…

As a result of his native simplicity and his state of constant domestic bliss, what with all those willing and helpful children to help him with the chores around the house, Swannee was absolutely oblivious to the attention some of the female staff-members were beginning to pay him during their lunch hours. He was quite sure they were ‘just being friendly’. “Though by gum,” he thought to himself, as Loreen leaned forward to give her order in a deeper and huskier voice than usual, “…they were certainly very friendly… and I’m sure that pinch on the bum was just a friendly tease… it doesn’t mean anything at all, really… I hope I don’t catch her cold, it sounds serious from the huskiness of her voice…”

Loreen’s cleavage loomed large in Swannee’s vision and he was reminded that he’d promised to take the cricket team to the hills for a camping expedition in the near future… This weekend would probably be good, he supposed, as he bent to extract a hot pie from the oven.

He couldn’t help wondering why it was that Loreen and Paula always ordered items which came either from the oven or from bottom cupboard just above floor level; he was beginning to get serious back pains from all that bending over. He began to suspect, not without reason, they were competing to see who could make him bend over the most. Now he was sure they hated him because they seemed to tease him all the time, and they made him work so hard; bending over all the time like that. There was nothing he could do about it however; he had a job to do; the cricket team must be fed; he just had to serve these two temptresses their lunch and try to ignore any ‘unusual’ remarks or behaviour.

*****      *******      *****

Loreen could not believe her outfit was having no effect at all on her intended victim; yet it seemed as though Swannee were completely unaffected by even the sexiest of her work outfits; he had not even appeared to notice her fishnet stockings and suspender belt, even when she sat down facing the serving hatch and ‘accidentally’ allowed her short skirt to ride up over her thighs to reveal a small triangle of her black lace panties; her fishnet stockings went unnoticed and her cleavage ignored.

“How,” she wondered, frustratedly, as she checked her assets in a restroom mirror, “…can he ignore all this?! Is he gay?!”

*****      *******      *****

Paula too found Swannee’s obliviousness to her charms extremely frustrating; all the more so as she had noticed that one of the cleaners, the infamously nicknamed, “Loose-lipped Loreen” was quite obviously making a play for what Paula now considered ‘her man’. Was it her imagination or her jealousy, she asked herself, or was Swannee beginning to succumb to that Loose-lipped Loreen’s charms? She had seen him stare at Loreen’s ample bosom for what seemed like ages yesterday; was he a ‘big tit’ man? She wondered, regarding her own small but pert breasts with a dubious expression on her face. Is that why he hasn’t noticed me yet? Okay, she decided instantly, tomorrow it’s the padded bra!

*****      *******      *****

Elaine slowly turned the cards over; she’d decided against a ouija board because she didn’t want to involve her assistants. So she’d waited until they’d gone off to lunch before she took out her tarot cards and did a reading for the morgue, hoping the ether would favour her with some information about the lurking presence she now knew was haunting the morgue…

Perhaps, she thought, it was a ‘lost soul’ who’d been unable somehow to find its way to the ‘Other Side’. But she dismissed this idea very quickly; true, some souls did become earthbound for various reasons, but she had sensed something unusually terrible and evil about this one…

The first card she turned up was ‘The Fool’… a naïve young man setting out on an adventrurous journey or about to have a new experience; though not a bad card, it warned about the possibility of trouble as a result of the fool’s naivety and inexperience.

The fool was ‘assisted’ by the High Priestess, a woman of significant spiritual ability would help him with this novel experience. The ‘Death’ card which followed seemed perfectly logical, representing natural change; it’s meaning being more to do with the symbolic ‘rebirth’ which this card implied, rather than actual death itself…

These two cards were ‘crossed’ by ‘The Empress’… a powerful woman was preventing the natural change from happening. In the position which represented the immediate future, however, was the ten of swords; this card may very well indicate death, but even if it didn’t mean death it certainly meant an awful lot of trouble: The card depicted a knight, slain by ten swords, still sticking upright out of his prone corpse, making him look like a weird party-wiener, with ten cocktail sticks in a single wiener…

Trouble, she thought… and maybe even death, was coming to the morgue…

Very spooky, she thought… but the cards never lie. The question is, she now asked herself, who are these people? And what is their connection to the morgue; if she knew that, she would have a much better chance of understanding what the cards were trying to tell her… And what did all this have to do with the lurking presence she had sensed in the morgue; and which presence she still seemed to sense, just beyond the fringes of her consciousness…

*****      *******      *****

Proclaimers Play the Pig’s Arms

03 Thursday Dec 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Bands at the Pig's Arms, Emmjay

≈ 15 Comments

The Pig’s Arms patrons were delighted to welcome the Proclaimers to the Nathan Rees Memorial Ballroom upstairs.

They ripped !

And Manne was there with his trusty mobile phone bringing something just slightly less than professional broadcast quality video to the patrons who were too pissed to make it up the stairs.

Much less walk the whole 500 miles !

26112009 Proclaimers

26112009 Proclaimers

Taurus: The Scope of Your Horo

02 Wednesday Dec 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in The Public Bar

≈ 30 Comments

Taurus - getting to the bottom of the matter

Taureans are known for their tenacity and ability to concentrate.  More so than lesser signs – those are known more for their eight-acity – or nine-acity.  This week will be a big one for Taureans – which is lucky for the bigger bulls out there.

As the moon enters your house, you will more than likely need to close the blinds to get a decent sleep.

Taureans are also known for sleeping through their lunchbreaks and missing out on tucker – which makes you really cranky all afternoon until your hapless Piscean partner cooks dinner and you wash it down with something sangrian.

Your lucky numbers are 0-9 and a-f (hex) or 0 and 1 if you fall into a binary loop.

Taureans will continue to enjoy a fulsome love life – particularly when their partners come into heat, roughly around September 2014.

Fortune will smile on Taureans and all the other signs as the stars rise over your stable relationship and a distant relative will relinquish the leadership of a major political party in an apparently bloodless chicken coup.

This week’s favourable colour is red and you should expect another good run in Pamplona next year.

Your long-range ‘scope suggests that you will meat a tall handsome chap in a blue and white striped apron hanging around the block, amidst sawdust.  More than that is uncertain, but if I was you, I’d steel myself for some cutting remarks.

Astral Wally

Cosmic Seer

Tony Abbott’s God Delivers !

01 Tuesday Dec 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 18 Comments

Inquisitor General Abbott

Inquisitional Mischief by Warrigal – and a share of the Bullshit

From developments today, we can clearly see what happens when there is carelessness in the handing of the chemicals in the darkroom.

Against the prevailing play, the great inquisitor, the big tomato himself, has hit the overdrive button and miraculously eclipsed the great Malester.

I was looking over past political posts and I notice how convincing Julie looks as a faithful sidekick.  Now she’s really going to have to put the boxing gloves on and get on her bicycle.

And our old mate Joe the Hock has graciously eaten of the humble pie and joined the ranks of the Brendans and Mals with a new seat up in the nose-bleed section of Parliament – so expertly kept warm by the world’s former third greatest Treasurer.

Tony Abbott at his press conference today is alleged to have said that he will introduce parliamentary uniforms in keeping with the status and power of relevant LNP parliamentarians.

He said, “I grew up in a regimented environment and prospered well in the uniformed cloisters of Riverview where boys of good Catholic character were systematically rogered then sent to play rugger in the rain. Those that survived thrived. I’ve always thought well of a man in uniform since those days.”

“Pell’s Man in Hell” or the “Catholic in Canberra”, as the sometime altarboy and erstwhile pugilist likes to be called, has had a very special uniform run up just for him. It includes an overly snug genital gusset with internal spikes so he can atone on the run. It also includes a snappy little mitre inscribed, with a nod to “Apocalypse Now”, (the notion not the film), “Death From Above” which is how our wannabe Inquisitor General likes it.

Abbott is convinced that should he get the search and seizure powers he’s looking for, he’ll “have more power than the old Egg Marketing Board”.

This seemed to make him very happy.

So where to from here ?  Several instances of Tony being put in the pound until the medication takes effect, followed by a massive electoral defeat followed by a closely fought leadership battle between Christopher Pyne and Bronwyn Bishop’s hairdresser ?

Who knows ?  But the term “bizarre” has grown a huge new meaning.  I’m interested in how many Libs who cross the floor on ETS are not going to come out after they see the great Inquisitor.

Cyrus: Chapter 14: A Prodigy Indeed

28 Saturday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

≈ 6 Comments

Phil Manzanera (sorry, couldn't find Mazares)

One of Croesus’ servants had run to tell the king about a prodigy which was happening right here in the centre of Sardis; indeed it was happening quite literally right under the king’s very nose, yet Croesus found he could hardly believe his eyes as he stared down into the public square from a second-floor balcony in one of his private apartments.

“Well… a prodigy indeed!” he drawled thoughtfully as he tossed the servant a gold coin to dismiss him. He turned to Sandanis and continued, “I would not have believed it if, had I not seen it with my own eyes! The whole city is swarming with snakes… and you say those horses actually left their pastures to come down into town to eat them? Aren’t horses usually terrified of snakes?”

“Yes your majesty” Sandanis replied, equally intrigued by this inexplicable and bizarre phenomenon; “Although, these are not poisonous, but harmless grass snakes…” he continued as he regarded the square below them once more. After a few more moments he finally observed, “Even so, I have never seen anything like it! What do you suppose it could mean?”

Fascinated, they continued to watch as the mercenaries’ horses continued to feed on the reptiles. Only the previous day these horses had been put out on the hills to graze, but this morning they had followed a swarm of snakes which had invaded the city in huge hordes, where the horses then began to feed on the serpents with a most voracious appetite.

Both Sandanis and Croesus, born into the aristocracy, had been horsemen all their lives; yet they were both astounded. This was a most unusual taste for horses to develop; though they were both educated men, neither had ever even heard of such a phenomenon. They could only conclude that it was the result of divine intervention. Surely, Croesus thought to himself, there must be some profound meaning behind these strange events; although he could make nothing at all out of them himself.

“Sandanis,” Croesus replied, pensively, to his general who was equally astounded and equally at a loss for words, “I have absolutely no idea; I’ve never seen anything like it either.” He thought for several moments and then ordered, “Send an inquiry to the soothsayers of Telmessus; they are the best I know at interpreting prodigies. If anyone can enlighten us as to the meaning of this one, they can.”

“I shall send a messenger at once Sire!” Sandanis said with alacrity, as he bowed and took his leave to obey the king’s orders. Telmessus was at least three days’ steady marching from Sardis, but a messenger on horseback could have a reply from them in less than half that time; soon they would have the solution to the enigma.

*** ***** ***

While Croesus retreated to Sardis, his enemy, Cyrus, had occupied Sinope, whose citizens were very relieved to see their Median and Persian allies chase the Lydian invaders out of their territory. The Syrians had feasted Cyrus and his men generously, treating them as heroes. In the meantime Cyrus took advantage of Croesus’ retreat not only to book and bury his dead, but also to rest his troops in shifts and to appoint a large detachment of troops under the command of General Mazares, Prince of the Budii, to take command of the garrison here.

Mazares was one of the five Princes of the Tribes who had been involved in the original plot which had culminated in Cyrus’ revolt from Astyages; his appointment to this post was his reward, for the courageous Mazares had taken more than his fair share of risk by organizing their very first fateful meeting. Harpagus was charged with overseeing the repairs to the city and with addressing their immediate needs for improved security, while Mazares organised a large cohort of troops to permanently garrison the city.

“Well Harpagus?” Cyrus now demanded as he faced his general over a large, chart-strewn table in the large chamber which they had chosen to use as a war-room, “Is the city secure?”

Harpagus had set his men immediately to strengthen any weak points he found in the city’s defences; most especially those which they themselves had just taken advantage of in recapturing the city. He immediately repaired the superficial damage which had been done to the city walls during its two recent battles; as well as the more serious damage which had been caused by generations of neglect. He also posted guards at regular intervals along the city’s walls and also in the high towers which framed the city’s gatehouse, rotated in four-hour shifts around the clock; this would give them plenty of warning of any surprise attack; he thought, or indeed, of any other approach by the enemy.

“Yes your majesty.” Harpagus replied, quite satisfied with the progress of his men’s work. ”The people will not revolt… they do not care for Lydians…” he added with a grin.

Indeed, Lydia’s sudden attack on Sinope was seen by all of the region’s inhabitants as the most despicable treachery. Although the Pterians had held no formal treaties of alliance with Lydia, they had nonetheless traded with her peacefully for centuries previously; as they had always done with all the countries with which she shared her borders; as indeed had all of Cappadocia. It was what had made them all rich. Inevitably such abominable treachery was rewarded with a universal and intensely-felt hatred from the citizens of Pteria for their conquerors; and that hatred remained undiminished even now that the enemy had been forced to relinquish their hold on their city.

This was just as Cyrus anticipated; now he thought silently to himself, he would make very good use of that sentiment. “And Croesus has fled with his army back to Sardis?” he demanded. The general nodded. This news had come as a great relief for Cyrus; it meant that at least the Lydians would not attack again for some time; perhaps not until the spring, he thought; maybe they would be content to sit the winter out behind Sardis’ walls and gather her allies.

“Yes sire!” Harpagus said with evident pleasure, “My spies tell me he now plans to winter there and attack again in the spring; he has even dismissed his mercenaries, who formed the backbone of his army! He assumes that we will winter here and strengthen our position before striking again.”

When he heard this Cyrus suddenly saw an opportunity to avoid a lengthy and possibly futile winter siege; he looked his general levelly in the eyes as, in an icy voice, he said, “Then we will strike now! Sardis will be ours before the winter sets in! Assemble the army! We march on Sardis immediately!”

“Yes your majesty!” Harpagus replied with a smart salute, snapping immediately to attention, “At once your majesty!”

Then he quickly turned to a trumpeter who waited dutifully nearby for instructions, and gave the order: ”Trumpeter, sound the Assembly!” The trumpeter instantly nodded once and then ran out of the building to sound the Assembly in the courtyard.

Instantly soldiers came running from every direction to form ranks in the square. Within a few minutes, while Cyrus and Harpagus went to find their steeds in the nearby livery stable, the whole army had swiftly formed ranks outside the city gates; with the cavalry at their head. Though they were a king and a general, cavalrymen and private soldiers rushed right past them in their haste to form ranks on parade, with little more acknowledgement of their rank than a cursory nod, in order to hastily arm themselves, put saddles on and mount their horses and form ranks in the courtyard with their comrades. Cyrus and Harpagus did not hurry, but strolled over to the livery stable, where grooms had already saddled their mounts, taking their time to give stragglers every chance to take their place in the regimental column. The king and his general then mounted their own horses and took their customary positions with the cavalry at the head of the column.

With a brassy fanfare from the trumpets, and the fifes and drums striking up a merry marching tune, the regiment of cavalry cantered smartly out of the city gates. They were closely followed by a massive column of infantry, comprised of archers and spearmen, both of which were also armed with long, bronze daggers as well as their primary weapons, the long, bronze-pointed spear. Marching at the double, they were only slightly slower than the cavalry. Finally, following the infantry at a fast walking pace was a gigantic baggage-train or caravan, consisting of several hundred heavily-laden camels, carrying all the supplies and equipment Cyrus felt he would need in order to besiege Sardis; the Sinopeans having generously resupplied him with a large contingent of troops and all the equipment he had required.

*** ***** ***

Croesus’ messenger bowed deeply as, with both hands, he received the small papyrus scroll on which the Sooth-sayers of Telmessus had written their response to Croesus’ enquiry regarding the prodigy which had been observed in Sardis. As he handed the messenger the scroll, by way of giving the herald a précis of the longer analysis contained in the scroll, the soothsayer said in a dark voice, “Croesus must look for an army of foreign invaders in his country; and when they come they will subdue the native inhabitants; since the snake is a child of the earth and the horse is both a warrior and a foreigner.”

Hearing this, the messenger was aghast; he turned and fled out of the Temple of the Soothsayers as fast as his well-trained legs could carry him, careless for the first time in his adult life of his bearing and dignity, and with but one thought occupying his entire being: Sardis was going to be invaded! The soothsayer’s message clearly indicated that Cyrus was not going to be content to winter in Sinope as Croesus had assumed; instead, he would besiege Sardis immediately. He must get back to Sardis in time to warn his king: Lydia was about to be attacked.

*** ***** ***

A Pig-Tel Christmas

25 Wednesday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Pig-Tel Products, The Public Bar

≈ 27 Comments

Pig-Tel Toaster – for the geek who has everything

As we rocket towards the festive season, The Pig’s Arms marketing team Pig-Tel brings you, our faithful patron, the opportunity of a lifetime, the perfect gift for the geek who has everything – the PIG-Tel USB toaster.

Now we know that true geeks will be aware that the power coming out of the USB port of your PC is not a lot – and that a conventional toaster would take approximately two weeks to produce toast (well, dry bread more so than toast).

So the Pig-Tel boffins have come up with a new and revolutionary way of using a conventional oinkjet printer to lightly spray a brown tinge on a single slice of bread.  Quick as a wink.

So for just $9.95 plus postage and handling ($495.85, or two monthly payments of $300.67), this Pig-Tel USB toaster can be on its way to making your Christmas toast a paler shade of brown.

The Pig-Tel USB 2 slice toaster – out of the box * requires car battery !

Act now, and we’ll throw in an iVegemite oink cartridge and if you’re one of the first two callers, we go the whole hog and give you an automatic honey spreader.

Call us Now !

Distributed at the back of the car park of the Pig’s Arms – by the Hell’s Angles Out-of-the Boot Logistics Corporation.

Tomorrow’s Horoscope – Sagittarius

24 Tuesday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in The Public Bar

≈ 2 Comments

Sagittarians will make a big mistake tomorrow

Sagittarians are well and truly on the cusp of Scorpio tomorrow – with dire consequences.

As bold and impetuous types, you will make a really effing huge mistake and, under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol and recreational drugs, you will get a tattoo.

Mars will not get the chance to rise in your fourth quarter until well after the swelling goes down.

Which might take a week at the least.

You will be so pissed off you’ll wish you hadn’t made that smart arse remark to the tattooist about Virgos.  On a brighter note, the next door neighbour’s 14 year old smelly cat – the one that sprays on the Chesterfield you have out on the porch – will finally cark it in an unfortunate accident with a pit bull disguised as a garden feature.

A traffic infringement officer will have  a heart attack while writing out a ticket for the car immediately before he gets to your expired meter.

Your lucky number is one.  Not that one, the one without the tattoo.

Astral Wally,

Cosmic seer.

Westfield Lovesong

24 Tuesday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Poets Corner

≈ 3 Comments

Valerie and TS Eliot

Let us leave then, you and I where the suburbs stretch out like pizza pie
and by the mall the women come and go
talking of woolworths and bi-lo

the maclaren prams that through the streets flow like a tedious argument
and lead us to the overwhelming question
of why it is they don’t relent

And as I think of teacups past
I part my hair and piss off fast
go looking for them at the beach – it’s
the singing mermaids, just out of reach.

By the corso, the women come and go
talking of woolworths and bi-lo

The water’s cool, the wind is free.
we’ve left the suburbs far behind
the lux-a-flex venetian blind
But i grow old and I grow old and wear my levis roughly rolled

Sit beneath a shady tree
inhale the breath of open sea and doubt the mermaids sing for me.

usual apols.
Emm

first published as a comment in gerard oosterman’s ABC Unleashed blog –  In isolation we live, November 23 2009

Paternalism

22 Sunday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 20 Comments

Patria Nostra

Digital Patriarchy by Warrigal

Wikipedia says that “Paternalism refers usually to an attitude or a policy reminiscent of the hierarchic pattern of a family based on patriarchy, that is, there is a figurehead (the father, pater in Latin) that makes decisions on behalf of others (the “wife” and “children“) for their own good, even if this is contrary to their wishes.

It is implied that the fatherly figure is wiser than and acts in the best interest of its protected figures. The term may be used derogatorily to characterize attitudes or political systems that are thought to deprive individuals of freedom and responsibility, only nominally serving their interests, while in fact pursuing another agenda; and when the pursued agenda is directly against the interests of the individuals then the result is oppression.”

As a kid growing up in a trade unionist family, my DNA was shaped by a healthy disrespect for authority.  Not so difficult to understand for a working class family that had been living under Ming the Merciless for 5 years before I hit the planet.

It was to be a massive feat of endurance.  The conservatives stayed in power not because of their wonderful command of the good ship Australia (nor perhaps because of a protracted period of post-war prosperity and growth), but because the opposition parties – the ALP and then (and I use the term “opposition” very loosely) the DLP managed to spend a mind boggling 23 years in the wilderness through factional in-fighting and by having an essentially talentless leadership and front bench.

To be fair, though, Pig-iron Bob – and later his acolyte John Winston, masterfully exploited the pathetic ALP schisms and successfully painted them as a cretinous rabble unworthy of the trust and support of the Australian people at the polls.

A glimpse of any footage of Menzies shows him to be the massive, self-assured father of the nation that he understood himself to be.  The price of certainty for the Australian family was a stultifying wooden half-arsed English bland sameness.  Not so much groundhog day as it was groundhog year.   England lite with more sunshine.

But Pig Iron Bob took us from England Lite to a new and equally obsequious position  – that the Rodent (or Menzies Lite)  made concrete in the second conservative empire – namely the position of being the Side Kick to Uncle Sam.  Not just any Uncle Sam, but the maddest, most moronic demon president delivered unto the modern world. Or perhaps more accurately his secretaries of State and Defence.

Now it seems to me that we’re going around the loop again.  A slightly different loop and the shoe is on the other foot.

We have a massively popular figure head prime minister.  He has a team of marginally competent ministers – fulfilling the standard role of not particularly achieving a lot, but keeping the lid on the country and keeping the prime minister and the party off the front pages.  Mostly.

One should not forget that this in itself is no mean feat.  In a world that constantly threatens to explode – a planet groaning under the weight of too many people and not enough food, water and renewable natural resources, creating a nation society that mostly does not starve and (for the vast majority) can get up in the morning comfortably predicting that nothing catastrophic will disrupt their morning cappuccino – is a passable result.  But it comes at a cost that looks remarkable familiar.  Remarkably Ming-esque.

And we have all the other key ingredients for a paternalistic society.  An Opposition in total meltdown.  A pack of talent less egoists with no cohesive ideology and no viable leadership.  The conservatives in Australia, it’s fair to say, are as fucked as Labor was in the Ming Era.  And moreover they seem just as likely to stay there for years to come.

Interestingly enough, Kevin Rudd has  a lot of the other key ingredients that Menzies and the post-Ming conservatives enjoyed too.  A hostile Senate – always good for getting nothing much done.  Loony balance of power Senators.  Does anyone remember Senator Albert Fields ?  How incredibly resonant is Steve Fielding !  I find obtuseness and religion a very dangerous mix.

But now we have Kevin Rudd’s mastery of media manipulation – spin doctoring par excellence with the bogeyman of Communist trade unionism well and truly laid to rest.  A new right wing Labor era.  You bet !

The Australian family has never been in better shape.

Well, except that the family values so vehemently proselytised by Howard and Rudd alike are in free-fall in so many families – with both parents working to survive economically and their kids either working their guts out to get a decent HSC for the privilege of getting onto their own gold-plated BMW treadmills – or dropping out with a quiet bong behind the boy’s weather shed.

It’s lucky we have such a wonderful father.  Roll out the barbie, the banana chairs and cricket and footy on free-to-air.  We’re in for the long haul.

Status quo until the waters of global warming start lapping the safe Labor seats of the western suburbs.

Tell us what to do next, Kevin.

Cyrus: Chapter 13, part 2

20 Friday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

≈ 11 Comments

Cyrus

By theseustoo

Chapter 13, part 2:

*** ***** ***

Such a tremendous battle as that fought between the forces of Cyrus the Persian and Croesus of Lydia, was never fought again in that region before or since. The slaughter on both sides was so great that neither side had a clear idea of who was winning or who was losing. The battleground was a single seething mass of bloody chaos; an incomprehensible and inconceivable jumble of torn and bleeding flesh; a huge confused mass of heaving bodies, constantly stabbing and hacking; spraying blood from a million wounds; and all the time pushing, as hard as possible, forward into the main body of the enemy; ignoring even the cries of agony and the torn and bleeding bodies of the desperately wounded and dying, as they stumbled over falling comrades and severed body-parts in their eagerness to damage the enemy.

The dreadful chaos of this terrifying visual confusion was further intensified to an unimaginable pitch by the dreadful cacophony of battle-noises; the insistent, remorselessly up-tempo and insistently pounding beat of the drums provided a temporal background for the insanely bright and jolly tunes of the flutes and the ear-splitting, brassy fanfares blasted out by the trumpets which were used to transmit the orders of the commanders on either side to their troops; and above all this, providing a grisly descant to this hideous tumult, arose the blood-curdling screams and agonised moans of the dead and dying…

Then there were the smells; the awful stench of the ankle-deep, recently-spilled blood and entrails combined with the dreadful aroma of fear; and the awful stench of death itself; was enough to make even the most experienced of butchers vomit. Indeed, many of those present were so over-whelmed by the hellish and horrifying reality of the carnage that many lost control of their stomachs and vomited, while others lost control of their bladders and their bowels as terror took command of their bodies, adding even more filth to the battlefield and more foulness to the already indescribably abominable stench. Thus physically compromised, a man became easy prey for the enemy.

Only those who could effectively ignore this insanity; this absolute chaos which attacked every sense and which was happening all around them; and still retain control of their bodily functions; only those who could ignore the constant physical danger to their own lives by ignoring even their own terror as men on either side were hacked to pieces or skewered on bronze-tipped spears or pierced by arrows, as they lost control of themselves and froze, making them easy targets; and as friend and foe fell dead all around them; only those who could ignore all this and still press ahead; only such men as these survived.

So hot and bloody was the conflict; and so great was the number of the slain on both sides that when night fell, the battle was still undecided, as both sides were forced by the encroaching darkness to withdraw.

*** ***** ***

As soon as they were safely within the walls of Sinope Croesus met with his generals and officers to discuss their next move. The day’s battle had caught the Lydians by surprise; they had not been prepared for either the size of the enemy host, or their ferocity. Most of the officers who had been present in the day’s battle had feared that if they pressed their attack they risked a terrible defeat; yet no man there wanted to earn himself a reputation for defeatism or cowardice by being the first one to suggest a retreat.

This had been equally true on both sides; with the result that both sides had stood their ground in the face of withering fire from enemy missiles and the crushing press of ranked spearmen; this process had continued all day as neither side had been willing to give even an inch of ground; until nightfall had mercifully made further fighting impossible.

The day’s action had resulted in a serious thinning of the ranks on both sides. Indeed, by sunset both sides had lost almost a third of their forces. The officers felt their position here in Sinope was now apparently untenable and thought Croesus should pull his army back to Sardis, whose walls were impregnable and which had enough supplies laid in to outlast even a lengthy siege; yet no-one among them wanted to be the one to suggest it.

Knowing the respect which the king held for him, Croesus’ officers chose Sandanis to speak for them to their king about their concerns. Croesus was not unaware of the situation, but his expression was dark and moody; and most difficult to interpret. Tentatively, Sandanis started to speak: “My Lord,” he said, “these Persians fight like demons; though the battle is still undecided we have already lost almost a third of our army.” Croesus stared at him blankly, as Sandanis continued, “Even with the favour of the gods, prudence does not go amiss; I fear we cannot hold Cappadocia without great losses…”

Croesus ignored the implicit reproach from this, his most trusted general. Indeed, in giving Croesus the benefit of his own assessment of the situation, Sandanis had in fact only confirmed what Croesus already knew; what he should have known before; that even with the favour of the very gods themselves, the material means to one’s ends must not be ignored. “Indeed!” Croesus replied, “The Persians outnumber us considerably; though they have lost as many men as we… But Cyrus has not repeated his attack; he must be licking his wounds…”

The monarch thought for a moment as he gazed first into Sandanis’ eyes and then into the eyes of every man present, gauging the extent of their feeling and the strength of their unity; each man steadily returned his gaze unflinchingly. All day these men had been in the thick of the battle; countless times they had rallied their flagging men; again and again they had attacked the enemy. No-one, the king realized, could truthfully accuse them of cowardice. Instantly assessing their mood; Croesus smoothly continued: “However as you say, prudence never goes amiss; we’ll take advantage of Cyrus’ inactivity to fall back to Sardis. The year is waning; winter will soon be here. We shall wait until spring and then attack again; in the meantime we shall send for our allies in Egypt and Lacedaemonia.”

Sandanis felt greatly relieved at the king’s wisdom; gravely nodding his agreement, he said, “Sire, Babylon is also bound to us by treaty; I think it would be wise to send for help from King Labynetus too; that should give us the numbers we will need to defeat these Persian dogs…”

For the first time Croesus realised his folly in trusting so completely in the prophecies of the oracles without ensuring first that he had the physical forces needed to make them a reality. He had been thinking along much the same lines as Sandanis, whom he now realized had been very thoughtful in not voicing his reproach openly, knowing that Croesus would reproach himself anyway at this unforeseen turn of events.

In any case, Sandanis is quite right, Croesus thought, we can certainly use Labynetus’ help; and he was sure that the current Assyrian king of Babylon would most certainly take advantage of any opportunity which presented itself to him to revenge himself on the Medes, who in ancient times had been his ancestors’ subjects. Furthermore, Croesus also knew that Labynetus would never be able to resist the chance, whilst punishing the Medes and Persians, to recover some of their ancient homelands; a chance to rebuild the Assyrian Empire.

“My own thoughts entirely;” Croesus said, “…instruct the generals that we shall assemble all our allies in Sardis at the beginning of spring.” One of the junior officers present voiced his concern about the proposed retreat, “But if we fall back to Sardis, Lord, might not Cyrus follow us there and lay siege to the city?”

Croesus was prepared for his question; indeed he had already considered this possibility. Even if Cyrus did exactly what the young officer was suggesting, he’d already decided that it wouldn’t matter too much; Sardis was well-supplied and her walls were impregnable; all we have to do, Croesus thought, is to sit out the siege until our allies arrive in the spring. But he did not think that Cyrus would do this. Cyrus, he realized now, was a good commander and an intelligent man; surely he would realize that besieging Sardis would be futile, and doing so during the winter would be very hard on both his men and their equipment.

“No, I don’t think so,” he said to the young officer with a shrug, “after a battle as closely-fought as this one he will stay in Cappadocia to bury his dead and tend to the wounded. Of course, he’ll try to strengthen his position there as much as he can; but when we attack again in spring with all our allies, we will have superior numbers and victory shall be ours!”

“Very well, your majesty;” Sandanis said, bowing his head obediently, “all shall be done as you command.”

*** ***** ***

The retreat was a very straightforward matter because, as Croesus had expected, Cyrus was indeed busy attending to his dead and wounded. Of all his battles this had been the bloodiest so far. But when he saw the Lydians retreat, he had little choice but to secure Sinope first rather than follow them. After so many had been killed, they must be laid to rest with all the proper rituals, for the sake of morale. Only after the dead had received all the proper rituals and were properly cremated and their souls thus released into the heavens to return to Ea and Enlil, would his troops consent to seeking their revenge for their fallen comrades.

As the Lydian army re-entered Sardis, Croesus was very relieved to see that indeed Cyrus had not followed them with the intention of besieging the Lydian capital. No, he thought to himself; this is not the right time of year to begin a siege; he’d been correct; Cyrus would sit out the winter in Sinope. He’ll strengthen his position there until the spring thaw; of that Croesus was now certain; and only then would he think about attacking Sardis. The king turned to his general and said, “Sandanis, you may disband the mercenaries; we will have no further need of them until the spring. They may return to their homes for the winter but they must reassemble with the rest of our allies when they arrive in spring.”

Realising that his monarch was taking this measure as a means to conserve financial resources which he knew would be needed to fund the next stage in Lydia’s war against this upstart new Persian Empire, Sandanis was satisfied that his master’s judgement once again showed its usual wisdom. He finally decided that the failed expedition to Cappadocia had been merely an aberration; after all, it had not really been a defeat for Croesus; for the enemy had been bloodied just as much as had the Lydians; but it had been, he thought, a severe lesson for the Son of Heaven.

“Very well, your majesty!” he said, saluting crisply as he spurred his horse and rode off to relay the king’s instructions to the mercenary captain.

*** ***** ***

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