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Author Archives: Therese Trouserzoff

Cyrus Part the fifth….

05 Wednesday Aug 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

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By Theseustoo aka astyages

Merodach Baladan

Merodach Baladan

A few weeks later Mandane went into labour; it was not an easy birth. Even from his own personal quarters, Astyages could hear his daughter’s screams of pain as she fought to bring her child into the world. And while he waited for his grandchild to be born, Astyages threw an offering of incense onto a small brazier which stood in front of a statue of the god Merodach, which formed the central feature of a small shrine the king kept for private worship in his chamber. As the dark, sweetly scented smoke rose heavenward from the burning frankincense, the king lifted his eyes towards heaven and prayed fervently:

“Ea! Enlil! Merodach, and all you gods in Heaven! Hear my prayer; I do not wish to kill my daughter’s child; therefore let it be a girl and no threat to me. Thus may I hope to keep both my kingdom and my daughter’s love.”

He kept mentally repeating his prayer over and over again to himself as he listened intently to his daughter’s screams echoing throughout the palace. Finally the monarch heard the unmistakeable sound of a baby’s first cries as it greeted the new world in which it now found itself. Astyages poured himself a large goblet of wine and drank deeply. After a few minutes, Harpagus entered the chamber, carrying with him Mandane’s newborn baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes.

Astyages looked heavenward again, but this time there was not devotion, but rather a look of recrimination on his face. Though he knew the answer even before he asked, the question came unbidden to his lips anyway.

“Well Harpagus? What news?” he asked, terrified of the answer he already knew, as, with great sadness in his voice, Harpagus replied, “It is a boy my Lord…”

Astyages let out a deep sigh and said, “Harpagus, you must now do exactly as I say…” The servant nodded as his king continued, “I beseech you do not betray the interests of your lord for anyone else’s sake, lest you bring destruction on your own head. Take Mandane’s child; carry him with you to your home and slay him there. Then bury him as you will.”

Though horrified to hear it, Harpagus had been more than half-expecting this command and had prepared himself for it. He replied in a voice which, he fervently hoped, displayed more firmness of purpose than he actually felt, “Oh! My king; never in the past have I disobeyed you in anything, and you may be sure that I never will; if it is your will that this thing be done, rest assured that I will serve you with all diligence.”

Relieved only slightly by his servant’s apparent readiness to obey him, even in such a horrifying matter as this, the desolate Astyages now addressed the newly-born infant in Harpagus’ arms and, while silent tears began to roll down his craggy face, he said gently, “Forgive me my grandson; but I cannot allow you to bring upon me the ruin of which the gods have warned me in my dreams…”

Astyages

Astyages

With a curt nod Astyages dismissed his servant. Harpagus bowed silently, turned and left, gently carrying the helpless infant with him as he went; hoping desperately that nothing in either the expression on his face nor his bodily demeanour revealed anything of the turmoil which now churned inside him at having to perform such a task as this. But hiding his feelings was something Harpagus was very good at; for, as the king’s minister he had frequently been obliged to hide his own distaste and personal displeasure at some of the things his king had made him do.

***   *****   ***

Harpagus’ wife greeted him sleepily at the door when he returned home, even though it was in the early hours of the morning. Dutifully she had waited up for her husband’s later than usual return.

“Welcome home, husband!” She greeted him cheerfully; then, catching sight of the bundle he carried in his arms, she inquired, “Well then, what is this bundle you have brought with you?”

Harpagus said nothing but carried the bundle indoors and laid it on a table; as he did so his wife noticed the doleful expression on his face; alarmed, she exclaimed, “But you look so sad! Husband, won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

In tones of infinite sadness, Harpagus replied in a whisper,

“My wife, you must tell no-one of this; this is the grandchild of our King, Astyages… I have been ordered by him to kill this child and bury him as I see fit; I cannot disobey my king.”

The look of absolute shock on her face revealed the horror Harpagus’ wife felt at this revelation as she asked him, “But what will you do?”

Harpagus sighed deeply; all the way home he had been asking himself exactly the same question; he had still found no answer. Yet with growing determination he replied, “Not what Astyages wants me to! No! Even if he were much madder and more frantic than he is now, I will not be the man to do his will, nor lend a hand to such a murder as this!”

He paused for a while; then, searching for a reason to justify his rebellion – to himself more than anyone else – he continued, “Many things forbid me from slaying him. For a start, this child is my own kith and kin;” this was quite true; though the relationship was not exactly a close one, thought his wife, as Harpagus went on, “and Astyages is old, and has no son… If, when he dies, the crown should go to his daughter, whose child he now wishes to slay by my hand, what remains for me but the most fearful danger? For my own safety’s sake, indeed the child must die; but someone belonging to Astyages must take his life, not I or mine.”

As Harpagus was explaining his woeful predicament, his wife brought him a plate with some flat bread and cold meat and a few figs for his supper, with a large goblet of wine to wash it down. As he ate, the couple turned their minds to the problem in hand; it seemed such a pity that such an innocent creature as this babe should have to die. Yet there was no way out of this terrible situation; if the child did not die, they knew that Harpagus would probably be killed in his stead; what else could Astyages’ pointed warning to Harpagus not to risk bringing destruction down on his own head, possibly have meant?

After giving the matter a great deal of thought, Harpagus’ wife eventually spoke, “There is a herdsman I know of who belongs to Astyages’ household, who lives in the mountains. Perhaps you should send for him to take the child and have him expose it on the mountainside where many wild beasts roam?”

“An excellent suggestion, wife…” Harpagus replied with a heavy sigh; sad though it was, at least he would not have the child’s blood-guilt on his hands, “Have one of the servants fetch him to me at once.”

***   *****   ***

(to be continued…)

Glenda and Daphne talk Nanotechnology Shampoo

02 Sunday Aug 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Ladies Lounge, Politics in the Pig's Arms

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Tiox Nanoparticles

Tiox Nanoparticles

By Madeleine Love‡

Glenda of the Pigs Legs Waxing and Beauty Salon wanted to get some promotional nanotech shampoo samples trialled….

G:  Daphne – do you want to try this nano shampoo?

D:  We’’ve already talked nanotech Glenda, and I’’ve done my hair anyway.  What about you?

G:  Is Loretta around?

D:  No – maybe you need to ask someone else who’s tried it.  Do we know anyone?

G:  What about Julia’’s partner?

D:  Which Julia?

G:  Deputy Prime Minister, Education Minister Julia.  Mr Gillard’’s a hairdresser.  I met him on a styling course a few months ago – keen on the red shades.

D: I never like to criticize a woman in public life but I don’t like Julia’’s hair colour.

G: Give him a call.

D: Ringing… Here’s the news: Julia released a nanotech Education package for schools a few months ago – AccessNano.  Apparently shampoo’s covered.  Here’s the web address:  http://www.accessnano.org/teaching-modules

D: Logging on….

[Recommended background music:  http://www.accessnano.org/files/teaching-modules/space-elevator/SpaceElevator_Animation.mov ]

D: Look at this PowerPoint module for the year 7’s. http://www.accessnano.org/files/teaching-modules/space-elevator/SpaceElevator_Module.ppt#350

“What if you could build a stairway to the moon?

“What if a path to the stars was paved in carbon?

“What if we had an elevator to the space station?

D: They say it would help to fix a broken toilet in the space station.  That’s good, isn’’t it?

“The space elevator is a theoretical concept – it would provide a permanent link between earth and space.  The cable in a space elevator could only be constructed from an extremely strong flexible and lightweight material, such as carbon nanotubes.

D: Look at the animation…Turn the sound up, Glenda

http://www.accessnano.org/files/teaching-modules/space-elevator/SpaceElevator_Animation.mov

D: Freaking Awesome!  Nanotech wonder!  You and me into space, Glenda.

G: Moving on, where’s Julia’’s Shampoo Education package?

D: Scrolling… Access Nano Teaching Modules… This’’ll be it – Personal Care Products – this one’s for the year 9’s.  That’’s a good time for shampoo education, isn’t it Glenda?  The girls are just getting old enough to earn and spend.

G: This is amazing – I’’ve been lobbying to get hair care into the education system for ages.

D: We’ll go for the solid information in the teacher’s’ guide notes on this one… http://www.accessnano.org/files/teaching-modules/personal-care-products/PersonalCare_GuideGeneral.doc

“Section 6: How do you choose a shampoo?

“Ask students to give a list of properties they think a shampoo should have.

“E.g. It must feel thick or creamy in the hands, and must produce a nice feeling lather. Should smell nice, and not be too expensive.

“What sells a shampoo? Herbal extracts, amino acids from exotic proteins such as silk, nano particles?

“What is the main purpose of a shampoo?

“The prime purpose of a shampoo is to clean the hair, however if the cleaning is over done the protective oils in the hair are stripped out.

D: Glenda, this is quality stuff.

G:  I can’’t believe how good this is.  Read on.

“How do we make informed decisions?

“What information would you need to know before you would consider buying this shampoo which uses ‘NANO’ directly as its brand and claims to contain titanium dioxide (TiO2) nanoparticles, which could penetrate more effectively into the hair and, thanks to its photo catalytic oxidation characteristics, oxidize the harmful residues after hair perming.”

“How would you make a decision regarding these claims made by the manufacturer?

D: Are they saying that the nanoparticles can oxidize the harmful residues after hair perming, thanks to their photo catalytic oxidation characteristics, or is that a claim too?

Glenda was eager

G: Look at the link Julia gave the girls… http://andrewofftheroad.blogspot.com/2006/10/new-shampoo-movement-toward-nano.html

“The bio-safety of nano-technologies or products have become a heated issue in at least US or UK as I know, but in China, there is currently no restriction in this field. If the shampoo really contain nanoparticles, however, I think the first issue woiuld [sic] not be the safety, but the effects of TiO2 as a dye. As a well-known white pigment, TiO2 possesses an outstanding chemical stability. In a country where a black hair is regarded trait of beauty, applying white dye on the hair may hardly be favourable in this case.”

G: It’s when you read the fine print that you find out about the risk – wouldn’’t want a nano-shampoo that changed your hair colour.

D: Thank goodness for Julia.  That’’s why we need more women in politics.

Glenda looked at the nano shampoo samples and thought about Julia’’s hair colour.  She decided to ask Loretta to try it.

A nanometre is a billionth of a metre.  DNA is a few nanometre’s wide.  Hair is 80,000 nanometres thick.  Nanoparticles are generally regarded as anything that has a dimension less than 100 nanometres, but sometimes up to 300 nanometres.  There are two principal concerns.  One relates to size.  Very small dimensions can penetrate cell and nucleus boundaries.  The other relates to chemical reactivity.  While Big Titanium Dioxide might be relatively inert (it is used as a pigment in paint as well as in pre-made icing in your supermarket), Tiny Titanium Dioxide has altered properties.  Nano titanium dioxide is invisible, reflects light, and if Glenda tried the sample her hair may gain ‘luminescence’, but we don’t know if such an effect has been validated.

Typically for the new-tech world, products went into the market place before the safety of the materials were reviewed in a precautionary manner.  It escaped existing regulation because ‘titanium dioxide’ was an approved product – there were no regs for the tiny variety.  There are nanoparticles on plastic film encasing supermarket products, cooking utensils, sunscreen and ‘beauty products’.  We understand there are also some nanoparticle products in a few powdered ‘food’ products.


Carbon nanofibres (space elevator material) have similar properties to asbestos – incredibly skinny and can wiggle through anything.   The ACTU held a seminar on Feb 6th this year.  http://www.actu.asn.au/HealthSafety/Campaigns/ACTUSeminarNanotechnologyTheNextAsbestos.aspx

Steve Mullins’’ presentation pointed to regulatory problems:

  • • No regulatory acceptance that nanomaterials are more hazardous
  • • No nano specific risk assessment or controls mandated
  • • No nano specific monitoring equipment
  • • No nano specific MSDS
  • • No exposure levels
  • • No labels
  • • No requirement to inform
  • • No health surveillance
  • • No training
  • • No nano specific PPE

• Where nano specific risk management applied or promoted, end up trying to apply controls designed for larger material anyway.

• There is no coordinated approach

There are now many studies coming forward on nanotech fibres and particles.  Go into pubmed http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez , type “mesothelioma carbon nanotubes asbestos” – read the study summaries.  Or type in  TiO2 “titanium dioxide nanoparticle safety”.

On April 14th the ACTU went out into the media saying that nanotechnology was the next asbestos. http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/04/14/2541876.htm?site=news

The world authorities on the safety concerns related to nanotechnology appear to be the Australian branch of the Friends of the Earth.  They have complied several documents of studies, as well of lists of products such as sunscreens which are free of nanoparticles.  http://nano.foe.org.au/

Apparently we can wipe our benches with our silver-lined anti-bacterial nanotech underpants.  http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/06/12/2596423.htm?site=news

A National Enabling Technologies Strategy is being developed.  A discussion paper was released.  I got it on 21 July.  Submissions are due in on 7 August. http://www.innovation.gov.au/Section/AboutDIISR/FactSheets/Pages/NationalEnablingTechnologiesStrategyFactSheet.aspx

Governments are acting as cheerleaders for industry rather than regulators.  GM crops are so last centurty.

‡Glenda, Daphne and the Pig’s Legs Waxing and Beauty Salon are entirely fictional, and our Glenda could thus not have done a styling course with a Mr Gillard in real life.

Cyrus Part the fourth

02 Sunday Aug 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

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CHAPTER 2:  Born to Die

Harpagus

Harpagus

“Curse you all for fools!” Astyages bellowed furiously. His advisors cowered fearfully as he berated the Magi from the throne, “Less than a year since you advised me to marry my daughter to Cambyses and the gods have sent me another dream; and this one is even more worrying than the first… Now you’d better tell me what it means and be sure you tell me the truth or, by all the gods, I’ll make sure none of you is troubled by dreams ever again!”

The Magister paled visibly as the blood instantly drained from his face in fear; he bowed deeply as he fearfully replied, “Your majesty, we will do our utmost; tell us, what is the nature of this new dream?”

Calming down only slightly, Astyages said, “I dreamt that from Mandane’s womb there grew a huge vine, which first filled the whole city and then grew to over-shadow the whole of Asia. Now, tell me what you think this dream means?”

Terrified, the Magus answered, “Lord, this dream is very similar to your first dream; if your daughter should give birth to a child, that child would grow strong enough to rule over all Asia…”

“As I thought…” Astyages mused darkly, the furrows of his forehead deepening as he frowned and finally asked, “And is there nothing I can do to prevent this?”

The Magi looked at each other desperately; each hoping to find some kind of inspiration in the others’ eyes; only to discover there was nothing there but the reflection of their own terror of what their king might do to them should they fail to find a satisfactory answer. Although they said nothing of it, the Magi had to a man instantly realized that this new dream suggested Mandane was already pregnant; just as quickly, they had also realized that the only way to avoid the future which now threatened them would be to either kill Mandane before she gave birth, or else to kill the baby as soon as it was born.

None of the Magi dared to even remotely suggest either of these desperate courses of action; yet they knew they must find an appropriate response; Astyages was already looking at them impatiently. The Magister took his courage in both hands and looked his king in the eyes, frankly revealing to the monarch the terror that was in his own, as he answered, “Sire, it is not for us, nor for any man, to tell you what you must do with your own family; this must be for you alone to decide…”

As the Magister had hoped, Astyages was astute enough to understand what this reluctance to answer him signified; indeed, it was much as Astyages himself had expected. His expression turned from anger to misery and then finally to determination, as he finally turned to his servant, Harpagus, who was standing beside the throne, and said quietly to him, “Harpagus, send a herald to Persia to fetch Mandane!”

The servant bowed respectfully as Astyages continued, “She is to come home at once! Say nothing of why; no-one is to hear about this dream. Is that understood?”

Harpagus bowed again deeply and said, “Of course, your majesty; at once, your majesty!” With an obedient bow, Harpagus quickly left the room.

Once he had gone, Astyages turned once more to the Magi and barked at them, “Now get out of my sight before I have your useless heads removed from your bodies and displayed on spikes at the city gates!”

As the Magi backed out of the throne-room, bowing and scraping even more deeply than Harpagus had as they went, they each said silent prayers of thanks to the gods that they still lived; to suggest that a man sacrifice his own grandchild is a very delicate thing; to suggest that a king should do so, unthinkable!

***   *****   ***

Astyages realized that he would not have been sent this second dream if Mandane were not already pregnant. Even so, he felt the need to observe his daughter’s condition for himself, but he feared that if he were to meet her, his face might reveal the darkness of his intentions. He decided that it would be wiser not to greet her in person; he instructed a slave to greet the couple for him, with apologies that the king could not personally attend their arrival due to the pressures of state business. As soon as these slaves informed him that his daughter’s carriage had been sighted in the distance, Astyages climbed up onto the battlements which overlooked the gatehouse with Harpagus and the Magister so they could observe her arrival unseen.

The same enormous wagon, drawn by its team of a dozen oxen, which had taken them to Persia less than a year ago, now brought them back; pulling up noisily just inside the city gates. As her maids helped Mandane to descend, Astyages observed that she was indeed heavily pregnant. With a woeful expression which reflected the utter misery he now felt, Astyages turned to the Magister as, grasping the latter’s shoulder in a strong grip with his right hand and shaking him roughly, he said,

“Pregnant! By the gods, this news should fill me with joy, but all I feel is dread! Well Magus, what do you advise now?”

The Magister’s’ response was darkly enigmatic, “My Lord,” he said softly, “it is not for me, nor for any man to advise you how best to manage your own family affairs; if there is still some way to avoid the disaster foretold by your dreams, you alone must find that path…”

The consistency with which the Magister had insisted on refusing to answer this question, merely repeating his earlier response, underlined for Astyages that there was no way to escape the horror that appeared to be the only way he might possibly avoid catastrophe; yet the alternative horrified him even more. But whatever it cost him; regardless of what, or even whom he must sacrifice to do so, he was absolutely determined that his sovereignty must be preserved.

“Well then, now I know what I must do! Out of my sight, worthless dog!” he said, dismissing the Magister and waiting for him to go, before he turned to address his minister,

“Harpagus, escort Mandane to the women’s quarters; she is to stay there until she delivers her child; if it’s a boy, you are to bring it to me as soon as it is born.”

(to be continued…)

Cyrus – Part the third

30 Thursday Jul 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

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By Theseustoo

Astyages

Simulated Astyages

Mandane’s wedding-feast was magnificent; even the oldest of the old women agreed that it was by far the most wonderful spectacle anyone in Agbatana had ever witnessed.  The ceremony was held within the city’s gold-covered innermost wall; beyond which no-one other than the king’s own family and servants ever ventured unless he was on official government business.  Only guards, government officials, and the Magi were ever allowed within the six walls which surrounded the city in concentric circles; each wall a different colour; and built around a low hill so the battlements of the inner walls overtopped those of the outer ones.

This was the first time since Deioces built the city that the common people had been allowed a glimpse of the immense wealth and splendour in which their king lived.  Within this innermost wall was a wonderful golden palace set in a fabulous landscaped garden; a multicoloured jewel set in gold.

The wedding was attended by what seemed like the entire population of Media.  Even the herdsmen had left their cattle in the care of their elder sons, or with a trusted slave, so they could attend the feast. The guests all sang and danced and feasted with genuine pleasure, for Mandane was both pretty and popular. For many this was the most fabulous day of their lives; never again would they see such splendour or experience such a wonderful and elaborate feast.

Everyone, from the King’s minister down to the humblest field-hand, wore their best and most colourful garments.  The crowd was a rainbow-coloured sea of goodwill as the dancers gracefully ebbed and flowed within the golden wall as, for this one day, the people forgot even the toils and hardships of their own lives and put aside all care to help their young princess celebrate this happiest of occasions. And the bride certainly looked happy, for even though her husband was unknown to her, Astyages had hired a matchmaker to describe him to her in the most flattering of terms, so that, just as Astyages had hoped, Mandane was quite excited at the prospect.

Hundreds of cattle, sheep and goats were sacrificed and roasted whole over huge bonfires to feed the guests; while thousands of flat, freshly-baked loaves of unleavened bread and honey cakes filled with figs and other delectable fruits, together with an endless variety of delicacies and sweetmeats, were constantly produced in the huge clay ovens of the palace kitchens.

Astyages was resplendent in purple, white and gold.  Even wearing only a modest circlet of gold, tastefully adorned with a single large and flawless blood-red ruby, upon his noble brow to indicate his royal status, he looked every inch a king.  He wore an ankle-length white robe, intricately edged with delicate golden embroidery, over which he wore a vivid purple surcoat, also heavily embroidered with depictions of lions and elephants. Even his sandals were covered in gold.

His pale-skinned and shaven-headed Magi advisors, enveloped from head to foot in their voluminous black silk robes of office, solemnly performed the ceremony, orchestrated by the magister himself.

Cambyses, dressed in a silken robe of a deep emerald green, trimmed with gold, held his bride’s hand as the Magister raised his eyes and extended his hands heavenwards to invoke Ea and Enlil, the Father and Mother of Heaven; calling upon them to witness the ceremony and accept the sacrifices which Astyages now offered to them in the name of his daughter and his new son-in-law.

Ten years younger than her groom, the lovely Mandane wore a simple though very elegant high-waisted white dress, tastefully decorated with designs of leaves, trees and various flowers embroidered in gold thread. Her head was covered with a cunningly-wrought headdress of gold which modestly hid her luxuriant, ebony-coloured hair; while the sultry, dark-eyed beauty of her lovely face was modestly, if thinly, disguised by a white veil of the sheerest silk.

As the Magister intoned his prayer for the future well-being of the young couple, Astyages scrutinized Cambyses carefully, mentally comparing the Persian to his own men. The Magi had not lied about him; he was a handsome young man of about twenty-five summers and average height. His skin seemed unusually pale; as if he spent little time out of doors. Cambyses also had a smooth and unblemished olive complexion; the complexions of Astyages and his Medes, however, were tanned to a tough, leathery texture by their constant exposure to the elements; and their faces were often disfigured with old battle-scars.

Though not exactly fat, this Cambyses seemed remarkably soft; his skin and musculature had a soft roundness to it, like a baby’s; a plumpness which seemed to reflect a life of luxury and indolence; quite unlike the hard and sinewy musculature of the Medes, including Astyages himself, who like every Median man over the age of fourteen, was no stranger to the hardships and rigours of war. But no matter how hard he tried, he found he could not imagine this Cambyses in any kind of warlike situation; the thought was ridiculous; such softness would be entirely out of place on a battlefield, Astyages thought; he would not last ten seconds.

The king shook himself out of his reverie as the Magister eventually reached the culmination of the ritual and asked Mandane the age-old question, “Do you Mandane, daughter of Astyages, King of the Medes, take this man, Cambyses, Son of Cyrus, to be your lawfully-wedded husband?”

The young bride solemnly replied, “I do!”

The Magus repeated his question to the groom, “Do you Cambyses, son of Cyrus the Persian, take this woman Mandane, to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Cambyses had not seen his bride before the wedding, having accepted Astyages’ offer partly for political reasons and partly because he really had no choice; one does not insult a tyrant like Astyages by refusing to marry one of his daughters when this is offered. But when he saw his bride; her beauty clearly visible in spite of her veil; he could not help himself, but fell truly and instantly in love with her. It was fate, he decided, that had brought them together. Gazing lovingly into Mandane’s beautiful brown eyes, Cambyses gently lifted his brides’ left hand and slipped a plain golden ring onto its third finger, as he replied with equal solemnity,

“I do!”

“Then I pronounce you man and wife! You may now kiss the bride.”  The Magister smiled indulgently as the young couple kissed, with perhaps just a little more passion than either he or Astyages might have expected.

Well, the match appears to be popular at least, Astyages thought to himself, as the crowd cheered wildly at the top of their lungs, enthusiastically applauding Cambyses and his bride as the groom helped her into a large, ox-drawn carriage for their journey to their new home in Persia.  As the carriage left the courtyard the crowd ran noisily after it, following it out of the city for some distance to ‘see the young couple on their way’.

Astyages sighed deeply. Then, turning to the Magister, he said, “Well, he certainly looks soft enough; indeed I’d be surprised if this Cambyses is man enough even to father a daughter. Indeed, it’s fortunate that they seem to like each other at least…” The king laughed, obliquely amused by the thought; and all three Magi nervously echoed their king’s laughter, hoping desperately that everything would turn out as they all hoped.

(To be continued)

New York, NEW YORK, NEW FREAKIN’ YORK

30 Thursday Jul 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Susan Merrell, The Public Bar

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An intimate NYC tete a tete

An intimate NYC tete a tete

On her first visit to New York, Susan Merrell expected to love it – and she did.  If only they’d turn down the volume.

Having been in Academia now for more than a decade, I’ve learnt to guard against stereotyping. So on arrival in New York, I had not given a thought to the loud, brash New Yorker of legend. I wasn’t expecting to encounter clones of Eddie Murphy, Sylvester Stallone or Jerry Seinfield. Yet, they were all there, en masse. New York is full of …well…New Yorkers. And boy, are they loud?

On our first night in New York, we were content to leave the ‘city that never sleeps’ to its own devices and to climb under the covers for an early night. We didn’t expect to be disturbed. Wrong

Around midnight, we were woken by a voice. There was no one there. Was it the radio? The television? No. It was coming from the next room

Believing the walls to be unusually thin we sat patiently while the voice gave a critique of Ibsen’s Hedda Gabler. Not finished, it then went on to explain the parallels between West Side Story and Romeo and Juliet – hardly drawing a breath. The monologue was punctuated by a second person’s intermittent “uh-huh”. The oration was long, the breath control and voice projection awesome. And the voice was thorough. Not a stone was left unturned. Luckily, it was not in possession of any insights on other Broadway shows – at least none that were shared that night. Uh-huh.

But the walls were not thin. The theatre critic had a voice that could penetrate twenty metres of wet cement and it wasn’t a unique skill in New York. What’s more, they don’t have dialogues. You know, conversations – where speakers take turns. It’s most noticeable when they are on the phone (and they’re always on the phone). There are just no gaps.

Taxi drivers are serial offenders. I’d often make the mistake of thinking the driver was talking to me and attempt an answer. My joining in never bothered them. They just kept talking on that phone as if I wasn’t there. And I thought only my children had that talent.

Walking along Broadway in the Financial District we were privy to a mobile phone conversation that went on for more than ten blocks. The speaker was loud. And was he indiscreet? HELL, YEAH. If only I knew the identity of the listener (I knew most everything else) blackmail would be almost obligatory.  (But only if one has criminal tendencies – and everyone knows writers don’t have those.)

Yet, not for a minute am I suggesting New Yorkers are impolite – insensitive to those around them, yes. Impolite, no. In fact most service providers had obviously been schooled in polite key phrases and told to use them often. ‘You’re welcome,’ was the polite retort to everything that was said, be it the appropriate response or no.

Inappropriate responses are known as non-sequiturs. They’re my husband’s preferred mode of communication. In his case he is listening but is as deaf as a post. Not something to which he’ll freely admit. To cover up his deafness, he guesses. He answers what he expects a person to say.

‘Which stop are you getting off at?’

‘No.’

What’s worse, since being in New York getting him to admit he’s hearing deficient is impossible. He’s heard every word that has been uttered while in New York – even through walls, hasn’t he?

Interestingly, people speaking at high decibels did carry some rewards – in restaurants, for instance. While Hubby and myself quickly gave up on our own mealtime conversations (competition being too fierce), eavesdropping became mandatory and a bit of an art. If you chose your dining neighbours wisely there was all sorts of interesting stuff you could pick up. One man was planning to move to Korea to take up a teaching post. He got the job during a ‘speed interview’. Akin to speed dating, he had gone to a jobs fair where one moved from employer to employer and had five minutes to convince the interviewer to hire you. Imagine that.

Conversely, you could be unlucky and just be privy to a mealtime of whining about the “FREAKIN’ ECONOMY.” Should I have interjected with a question over American culpability, do you think?

All of the New Yorkers we encountered were real people, not stereotypes. Nevertheless they were eerily familiar. I think that in our endeavours to be politically correct sometimes we fail to understand that stereotypes are formed from particular and prevalent types. To ignore this is as misleading as to imagine that every one of a type will conform to a standard.

First Published by Eureka Street  http://www.eurekastreet.com.au/article.aspx?aeid=12704 July 1 2009

Australia’s Poet Laureate hands over the baggy green (as promised on Unleashed)

30 Thursday Jul 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Ladies Lounge, Poets Corner

≈ Leave a comment

Viva Voce Laureat

Viva Voce Laureat

We don’t know if she’s going to turn up, but here in the Window Dressers Arms Pig and Whistle (affectionately known as the Pig’s Arms) this evening Australia’s Poet Laureate is handing over the baggy green to VoR of the ABC Unleashed website for a magnificent limerick in the article “Howzzat!” http://www.abc.net.au/unleashed/.

[Applause]

Australia’s Poet Laureate recognised that the competition put forward by VoR in the cricketing limerick field was beyond her own capacity, and seizes This Day to graciously recognize these achievements, bending her knee.

[Applause]

So without further ado, we invite Australia’s Poet Laureate to take the fruit box and charm us one last time.

[Applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Poems are big

Poems are small

Poems can be any size at all.

Baggy greens can be big

Baggy greens can be small

Baggy greens can be any size at all.

But limericks aren’t big

Limericks aren’t small

Limericks can’t be any size at all.

Limericks have to be just right.

[Applause]

And so for the best just right limerick, give a round of applause to VoR!

[Applause]

Not here yet?  Glenda must be running behind.  Well, in case she doesn’t get here we’re going to keep drawing the raffle tickets upon which you’ve all scribbled down poems until we find an alternate winner.

Has anyone got the hat?

Cyrus part the second…….

28 Tuesday Jul 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

≈ Leave a comment

By Theseustoo

Simulated Magus

Simulated Magus

The Prophecy

Astyages had a dream one night which troubled him so much that he sent for his advisors to interpret it. These men were from the Median tribe known as the Magi, which was famous for its knowledge of both the heavens and the earth, and for their ability to interpret dreams. Over the course of centuries the Magi, realizing that knowledge was power, had collected, compiled and categorized all that was known of the earth and the heavens. As a result of their ever-increasing knowledge-base the Magi came to dominate the bureaucracies of first the Sumerian and then the Assyrian Empire. So powerful were they, that the Magi alone, of all six Median tribes, were exempted from providing an army for the defence of the kingdom. When Assyria finally fell to the Medes, their new masters too were obliged to continue to allow this immensely powerful tribe to continue to function in their traditional manner, for they were indispensable as the primary source of the state’s officials, educators, astrologers, historians and encyclopaedists.

Astyages glared down at them sternly from his throne. Still in his thirties, Astyages was a tall and darkly handsome man with the characteristic high cheekbones and craggy features of the Medes; his angular face dominated by a thin, fiercely hooked nose, which gave him the appearance of an eagle about to swoop on its prey. This effect was enhanced by the bright glint in his coal-black, deeply intelligent eyes, which shone out from under the bushy, black eyebrows which delineated his heavily-lined forehead. His darkly-tanned, leathery complexion reflected a man used to the outdoors; a man of action, rather than some cosseted princeling who ruled from a distance while sitting on a comfortable throne inside a palace.

The Magister, the principal Magus, unlike the hereditary princes of the other Median tribes, had not inherited, but rather had earned his title and position after more than thirty years of study, service and internecine political intrigue. He realized that Astyages was in a particularly dark mood this morning. Stepping forward nervously, he asked, “What troubles your majesty?”

Astyages replied, “I had a strange dream last night; I can’t get it out of my head; I want you to tell me what it means.” Again he paused, reluctant to trust anyone with the contents of his dream. Slowly he began to speak: “I dreamt that from my daughter Mandane’s womb came forth a great stream of water which filled not only my capital, Agbatana, but even the whole of Asia… can you tell me what it means? You may speak freely, without fear of my displeasure… if you will only answer me honestly.”

To the Magister the dream’s meaning was perfectly clear; yet he was stuck for words as he wondered how to phrase it so that Astyages would not take offence and have him executed. His voice quavering just a little, he began to speak,: “From your daughter’s womb will come someone whose strength will flood over Agbatana and fill all of Asia; Majesty, Mandane’s child is destined to be a king. I fear this child may one day usurp your Majesty’s own rule…”

“Indeed; it is as I suspected.” the king said, as if to himself. Then he fell silent for a while, embarrassed by the inescapable need to ask the Magi for their help; it made him look weak, he thought, to admit that he needed anyone’s help. But he realized only too well that he did need them; so, gazing directly into the Magister’s eyes he demanded, “What would you advise me to do to prevent this?”

The Magus was reluctant to suggest that the king’s dream might indicate some flaw in either the king’s character or his policies; and even more reluctant to suggest that a change of dynasty, foretold like this in the dream of a king himself, was unavoidable; nevertheless it was clear to him that, because of Astyages’ notorious cruelty, the harshness of his rule and the extreme nature of his excesses, heaven’s mandate had been revoked. Slowly, he said, “Majesty, if the gods will it, nothing can prevent it… yet perhaps they do not wish this to happen and have sent this dream to warn you…”

Astyages rounded on him impatiently, “Don’t prevaricate with me you fool! Just tell me what I can do about it!”

“Yes Majesty! Of course!” the Magister blustered, bowing obsequiously. Put on the spot like this, his mind churned rapidly; long years of patient study had made him intimately familiar with all of the meanings of the symbols which the gods encoded in dreams and sent to men in their sleep. Even so, this did not help him to formulate the plan of action he needed now. Grasping at straws the Magister improvised desperately, “It is well known that sons take after their fathers, majesty; you must make sure that Mandane does not marry a warlike man but a gentle one.”

The king considered this suggestion and decided it seemed sound, but for one minor detail. He asked the Magister, “But where can I find such a man? To a man, the Medes are all fearsome warriors; the terrors of all Asia! They have known nothing but constant warfare ever since this Kingdom was founded by my great-grandfather.”

The Magister had anticipated the king’s question and responded immediately, “Your Majesty, when your grandfather Phraortes wanted to expand the kingdom he first conquered the Persians; one of our own Medes is worth at least five of their fighting men; perhaps you may find among them a man so gentle that no warlike offspring could possibly come from him?”

Astyages could find no fault with this plan. “Hmmm…” he said, “Do you have anyone in mind?” As the king seemed content with his plan so far, the Magister briefly conferred with his fellows. After a few moments; and ever so delicately; he put forward the name that they had decided upon, “Majesty, there is one Persian known to us, by the name of Cambyses, who is very fond of music, women and poetry; he is soft and gentle… and has never taken part in any warfare; indeed, he has a personal abhorrence of any form of physical violence. Majesty, this man could never father a warrior strong enough to subdue all Asia. If the Princess Mandane were married to this man we think your majesty could put his mind at rest.”

Astyages recognized the name; although this Cambyses was a Persian; subject to Median rule; and thus technically a slave, he was descended from a wealthy and noble Persian family. This man had such a reputation for effeminacy that Astyages had felt an instant shock of anger rise in his breast that such a man should be suggested even in jest as a potential suitor for his daughter. In any other circumstance such a proposition may well have proven fatal to its originator. But, although he was still somewhat reluctant to have such a notorious weakling as this Persian, Cambyses for his son-in-law, after a moment’s consideration, he heaved a heavy sigh and in a resigned tone, said, “Very well; your advice seems sound enough; let all be done as you have suggested… and let it be done as soon as possible; my daughter, Mandane, is already of marriageable age; I shall ensure that she is kept in the women’s quarters until the wedding can be arranged.”

(To be continued)

Defining Moments

28 Tuesday Jul 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Ladies Lounge

≈ 1 Comment

Defining Moment 1

Defining Moment 1

Madeleine considers some defining moments

I’m a member of a book group.  We get nine books a year to read and discuss together.  The books are always supplied with study notes containing questions at the end for discussion.

Last night we came across the following question:  “If you were writing an autobiography what books would you include to define yourself, your course in life, or your pivotal moments?”

We went ‘around the circle’ with the question.  It was too narrow for some.  We included articles and movies because they had provided powerful defining moments as well.  This is what came out…

Reading, both as a skill and as an experience, emerged as a defining moment of life in itself. One spoke of the time when she first realised she could read.  In elevated response she declared to herself that she was going to read ‘every book in the world’.

Another remembered the first book that engrossed her, transporting her to another time and place.  She’d had the overwhelming experience of complete engagement.

Then there were the defining moments emerging from the content of the book.  I can’t remember many of the books.  I don’t know many of them.  But I remember the moments…

Some books seemed to arrive at the moment of change, like an announcement on a train “We are arriving at Rosemont Station”.  The Thornbirds announced sexual awakening.  The Women’s Room announced feminist awakening.

There were books that supported and uplifted us, providing a path for the future – someone described the Shawshank Redemption.  Apparently a man was held prisoner and subjected to the most horrifying experiences until he managed to escape, all the while never surrendering hope or optimism.

There were books that said who we were – echoes of our wishes, experiences, perfect worlds – Pride and Predjudice – yes, a woman offered that one.

And then there were the books that transported.  The bigger and more engrossing the book, the more transformed we were out the other side; War and Peace, Lord of the Rings, A Fine Balance. It seems the epic masterpieces take us into an entirely new life experience and create their own pivotal moments.

So we’re going round the circle and now it has come to my turn.  Eager to share but reluctant to be the centre of attention I look to the person on my left and say “next”, but you say “you skipped someone” and draw me back.

OK then …

I was about 9 years old (say 1970), and we were at a rented beach house for two weeks in the summer holidays.  My parents were teachers, and holidays were times to Not interact.  They would lie on couches and read or sleep, while we went back and forth to the beach.  It was warm, we were sunburnt, scratchy from the sand.  Fresh cobb loaves from the Bakery wrapped in tissue paper rested half-eaten on the dark wooden table.

I see myself lying on a couch beginning The Rat-A-Tat Mystery.  In the holiday street we’d bought an Enid Blyton book each.  They were books with covers, perhaps 2cm thick – real books.  On the same day I begin, I see myself finishing.  I could read a book in a day; a small step for one man, a giant leap for mankind.  I was accomplished.

And the next pivotal book was Lord of the Rings.  Again it was summer holidays, but this time in the ‘burbs with all the blinds down to keep the house cool.  Conveniently it came in three volumes.  Second in line, I waited for the first to be finished.  Day after day I strode through the threatening darkness in Middle Earth, finding rare refuge in the protected nature of the Elven domains.  So large, it created a new and permanent experience of life through which I could respond.  I have an Elven domain to look after.

There was Cat’s Eye, a book about girl bullying which gave me closure on the teenage years a decade after the experience.

Coming into self, “Women Who Run with the Wolves”.

Women who apparently run with wolves

amazing photo of wolf-running woman next to Towering Inferno book

Becoming a Masterchef: an unnamed recipe book on Muffins.  With dedication I had meticulously followed directions in other books and had so many failures.  I think people publish the ‘bad recipes’ so no-one steals the good ones.  But the raspberry and white chocolate muffin success said it wasn’t all me.

Defining the breastfeeding years:  The Very Hungry Caterpillar – a counting book with holes in the pages that each child in turn loved to read.

Digging out the deeper traumas:  The God of Small Things.  I’d encouraged the book group to read this one so I had some people to debrief with over it.

Movies – Towering Inferno for my first suspense horror (and how that moment was extended into reality years later!), and Gallipoli – I couldn’t leave the auditorium because I couldn’t stop crying.

Well, that’s some from me.  No doubt more will come in time.  But it’s your turn.

“Books, articles or movies you’d refer to in an autobiography, and why”.  Next.

Looking into the Howard government’s case against Julian Moti

27 Monday Jul 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ Leave a comment

Solomon Islands Attorney General, Julian Moti

Former Solomon Islands Attorney General, Julian Moti

Susan Merrell – the Pig’s Arms foreign correspondent for the Solomon Islands digs up more AFP dirt on the Howard Government’s pursuit of Julian Moti (on child s*x charges).

Let’s hear what she has to say at :

http://solomonstarnews.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=10379&Itemid=26

Pushing Uphill

27 Monday Jul 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ Leave a comment

Dry, barren and prickly hill.

Dry, barren and prickly hill.

In a political masterstroke last week, the Rudd Government appointed the former Howard government minister for defence and the environment, Senator Robert Hill to head the government’s new climate change initiative – namely to encourage Australian families and businesses to be more energy efficient and reduce our carbon footprints.

This piece of wedge politics would make Machiavelli’s Prince proud.  The Ruddmeister has given the greenest job not to Ha! A Green.  Not to one of his own senior players.  Not even to one of the foot soldiers of the environment movement or even the right wing of the left party.  A brilliant piece of keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Rudd is in effect, by appointing the man who helped create this wheelbarrow of steaming dung, literally pushing shit up hill.  The reward for Hill going doggo and sitting on the environment portfolio for so many years, for denying Kyoto, for letting the rivers run dry is to be given the task of actually getting off his bronze and helping to do something about it.

But there’s far more to this than meets the eye.  In a Pig’s Arms exclusive scoop, we can tell you that the government has arranged a trade – Hill for Peter Garrett.  The swap has been arranged for an undisclosed sum not thought to be in the same league as recent Real Madrid business.  The trade brings the future of the Coalition Club into serious question.

The serious question is: “Will the Coalition be relegated to reserve grade, effectively making Australia a one-party state, or making the Coalition a one-state party ?”

In stark contrast to some (barely-suppressed smirking) Rudd and Wong footage last week we saw the Opposition’s Treasury spokesman, Joe Hocky pleading on national TV for Kevin to cut everyone’s allowance.  It would have been funny, had it not had the air of desperation redolent of a party, nay a coalition of parties and a religious enviro-nutter on their last desperate tilt at relevance.

What WAS funny, however was our Professor of Sustainability at Sydney Uni, Hill’s assertion that there was no way he’d be putting the heavies on his old mates to pass the carbon trading bill in the Senate.  Well, Prof, you can lead a horse to water, but only the threat of a double dissolution will make it drink – provided there’s some water in the tough.

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