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Category Archives: Emmjay

Big Lars’ Point *

15 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 13 Comments

MJ River Mangrove Fog

Story and photographs by Emmjay

MJ Samurai pot

Just above the hot plate the lid and handles of the kettle start doing their impression of a samurai warriors’ headdress.  The smoke from the fire changes its mind and swings away to the East.  The wood is damp and rotten, but it dries easily and burns peat-like.

Tiny insects rush about as their world goes up in smoke.

Big Lars’ Point. Forty minutes’ walk along the edge of the mangroves to the clearing not far from the base of the waterfall.  The sound of a lazy trickle running off the cliff out the back.  Idle birdsong.  The bush is busy relaxing, but it takes a careful eye to see this business.  The possums are elusive this trip.  And the kookaburras are reluctant to take their free lunch from the bird feeder.  The whip birds and the lyre birds discuss with each other the agenda for the day.

The leech is an elastic band with a yellow racing stripe, silently hooping its way across the wet grass, over the battered ding boot and up the inside of the leg of a pair of Levis stiffened by sweat, dirt and grease.  It takes several sweeps of consciousness to feel the damp trickle and to roll the fabric up until he’s spotted.  Barely started his day job.

I flick the leech off.  This is not the correct way.  He hands me the salt.  I stomp the leech into the soft earth.  That won’t kill him!  And he’ll just come back for another go.  But the leech is deep within a heel mark and under a blanket of opprobrium.  Surely it’s curtains for him.

He knows the bush.  This is his patch and he’s usually right.  I cast the occasional glance towards the leech hole,  sure enough.  There it is, looping the loop up a grass stalk to take a sniff around.  I salt the leech.  He goes into a dance of exquisite torture.  Shrinks to a thin strip of leather and lies motionless.

The kettle starts to raise some steam.  Takes its time and offers up the chance to slow down and appreciate the peace and savour the tea when it arrives.  I uncross and recross my legs and toast the left leg a little, watching the steam rise from my boots.

FM, McCubbin Style

FM, McCubbin Style

Big Lars’ Point has a curious effect on time.  Sleep comes easily.  There is no hurry.  Breakfast starts with a sweet coffee.  Play with the fire.  Eggs and bacon, grilled tomato and mushies on rough bread toast.  Another coffee, maybe time to play with the brush cutter and thrash a few metres of path through the palm grove.

Just time for lunch.  Half past one and the sun moves behind the cliff top.  Cool and damp setting in.  It’s three o’clock and time for a dram and to stoke the fire again.  A few beers and it’s time to think about dinner.

Barbecue, dancing in the firelight and ducking and weaving with the torch.

Big Lars’ Point has no electricity.  The water is drawn from the creek for washing and heated in the kettles.  We carry in drinking water because nobody trusts the creek any more beyond washing and watering the plants.  The shower is an army khaki canvas bag hanging from a pulley off the veranda.  Cold.  But the kettles on the fire warm the shower water up.  Candles.  Kerosene heater.  How blue is the kero ? Gas and batteries.  Heat and light when the fire has its night.

MJ House

The house has trod the fine line between growth and decay for almost thirty years.  It’s hard to know which is winning.  There is no road in and it’s a long way up the river and a long walk from the jetty along the edge of the mangroves and through the rain forest to the house.

Thirty or forty years ago, Big Lars tried to land an old ford truck near the point – to carry building material and fire wood, but the truck slipped off the barge and sank up to its doors in the black mud.  The mangroves and salt water have been eating the old truck slowly but they are almost done now.

MJ CarAt the edge of the clearing slumbers the other failed attempt at automotive transport.  The powder blue Holden station wagon landed successfully.  She only ran once or so the story goes.  In the night, the rats ate her radiator hoses, and when Big Lars returned next trip with replacements, they had stripped her wiring.

It’s said that that was the last straw.  Big Lars gave up and sold his spread to a Kiwi carpenter who completed most of the house and when his bride fell pregnant and (wisely, I reckon) refused to try to give birth and raise a bairn there, they sold it to the old bloke who owns it now.

Big Lars was a Swede. A giant habitué of the river. A surveyor, it was said, who saved a few of the better plots for himself.

MJ FogThis is his silence.  The bird calls and the crash of the dead branches are his.  The black mangrove mud is Big Lars’ and also the shallowness of draft of any boat wanting to land her passengers on the point.

It’s a struggle, etched in raw timber, grime, spider webs and candle wax, fought over thirty years.  And as the sinewy old bloke feels the cold and damp in his bones, he wonders how long he can keep the clearing wide enough to give him a decent margin before the snakes and ticks and leeches territory begins.

The forest would claim the clearing, given half a chance and it sends out scouting parties of ferns and reeds – and native grasses where the sun breaks through the canopy in the middle of the day.

The mowing’s done.  By the fire, I pull up an old easy chair.  It migrated in on some long forgotten high tide and stuck itself in the mangroves.  I pick the corkscrew grass seeds out of my socks and slowly sip a cold beer from the kero fridge.

It’s five in the afternoon.  The light is failing and it’s time to create order, signifying the end of the day and preparation for the night.  The evening mist rolls in off the river and the darkness inside the house seems not so dark.  The kero heater beckons and the first drops of rain shush over the tin roof.

* not his real name

Libnat Product Endorsement # 14 – Peanut Brittle

12 Sunday May 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Barnaby Joyce, Deputy Leader of the Opposition

Deputy Leader of the Opposition

Deputy Leader of the Opposition

Libnat Product Endorsement #11 – Scott Morrison on Productivity

05 Sunday May 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 7 Comments

What Have We Done to Deserve This ?

05 Sunday May 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Abbott, David Cameron, Gillard, Rudd, UKIP

Tony Abbott wears a rainbow hair net as part of an organ donation campaign.

Story by Emmjay

As we rocket towards the next election, the one certainty, IMHO, is that Australia will inevitably get the government we deserve.

In 2007, the Ruddslide disposed of a much despised sitting Prime Minister and his party.  Australia had clearly grown very tired of a very tired, mean-spirited and uninspired government wedded to Thatcherite free-market principles.  My God !  The rodent had taken Australia to war in Iraq against massive public opinion and justified his decision with lies about non-existent weapons of mass destruction.  How bad did a government and a Prime Minister have to be before the electorate would throw the bastards out ?

Rudd’s little-disguised frustration and inability to push ahead with much change, beyond admittedly engineering a world-leading response to the global financial crisis – saw his inconceivable deposal by his deputy.  He has proven that he is not a team player – moreover he has stayed true to his real calling of being an administrator, not a politician.

Rudd’s removal left the Left supporters amongst the Centre-Left in a quandary – torn between the exciting possibilities of Australia’s first female Prime Minister and the obvious disrespect for Rudd’s achievement in beating Howard.  There were many weasel words in transparently unconvincing justifications about Rudd losing his party’s confidence, but Australia saw the reality – Labor had gone to jelly at the threat of hostile media-driven polls.

And against a backdrop of long-standing and deeply incompetent and corrupt State Labor governments, the Gillard government managed to hang on to power in the 2010 election with the help of elected independents.

None of this is news, of course, but the previous national election outcome and the widely-predicted one to come show a trend of escalating irrational anger amongst people who are so completely unwilling to think about politics and who are so easily manipulated by media ogres.  This atmosphere threatens to translate into the election of a government who is avowedly antipathetic towards the very interests of those who would traditionally have voted Labor.

Put another way, poorly-informed, lazy and witless voters, easily manipulated by a hostile media funded by cashed-up self-interested parties in mining, gambling and other environmental and social disasters are apparently happy to punish a government and a Prime Minister that they feel is bad.  When asked what is bad about the PM and the government, no coherent response is forthcoming.

And so we see the looming disaster of the possible election of a tory coalition that is not only antipathetic to the needs of everyone south of the upper middle class, a coalition that is indifferent to the exigencies of dealing with climate change, that seeks power for power’s sake, that is an arrant apologist for mega wealthy mining magnates with the social grace of pigs (apologies to real pigs), that is completely clueless about policy and who is led by a misogynist retard bully with all the grace, sophistication and style of a floating turd.

An apt description is John Howard Lite – mean and nasty but without the rat-like cunning.  A party of drop kicks led by a man who could learn a thing or two from a superior intellect – George W Bush – no mean feat.

But is Australia unique in our ability to contemplate disastrous political choices ?

I think not.  Witness the worrying rise of the extreme right in Europe – both in the Spano-Greek-Italian basket case economies and amongst the more solvent Franks and Huns.

More recently, last week in fact, saw the election of huge numbers of new local government members from the UKIP party who won about 25% of the votes in the seats that they contested across Britain.  Led by Nigel Farage (described by David Cameron as a loony – when Cameron was leader of the Opposition) a rag tag bunch of disparate people who are not in any sense organised beyond sharing a desire to be with white folk in a society remarkably like the 1950s, the UK Independent Party overnight become a major force in British politics.

For what do they stand ?  Answer: pulling Britain out of the EU and turning the taps off on immigration for the “next five years or so”.  How these policies make sense – especially at the level of a local council, I have to admit, is beyond me.

Cameron did a backflip from his new position of being in power and toned down the “loony” comment, recognising that his coalition was likely at some stage to have to engage and negotiate with these half-witted Hansonites in the very near future.

What is causing this madness ?  Why are people supporting far right arsehats – the kind that our parents fought wars against ?  I think it’s because as nations we are easily frightened and when we are frightened, we revert to type.  Australians, in the main are sheep too.

We are frightened by real and imaginary forces alike.  Like the UKIP, we are so willing to follow the first arsehole in red speedos who exhorts us to circle the wagons and break out the carbines.  And so what if a few of our own folk who have the misfortune of looking a little bit like red Indians get caught in the crossfire ?  It’s for the greater good.  One’s own tribe’s greater good.  A sacrifice worth making – so long as someone else is making it.

And it is a huge mistake to respond to far right political supporters by trying to placate them.  Chamberlain was proven badly wrong by history.  There was, and is now, no piece of paper guaranteeing peace in our time.

When Julia Gillard smacked Tony Abbott for his crass, moronic personal attacks and beat him so severely for his misogynous demeanour, it made the world media stand up and take notice.  That’s the appropriate way to treat a dog that refuses to behave – a rolled up newspaper across the snout.

But returning to the main concern, how is it that, in the face of one of the most important initiatives ever to be undertaken by any government – worldwide – and BTW, much better handled in the past by Britain than here – namely proper support for the disabled –how is it  that anyone would contemplate voting for not the party carrying the initiative, but the Opposition ?

It beggars belief why a population that overwhelmingly supports a far better deal for disabled people and their carers  – even to the extent of 60% of polled respondents accepting an increase in the Medicare Levy – would for a minute consider voting for another party that has to be brought kicking and screaming to the table every fucking time.  A party with no discernible policies beyond opposing everything.  A party with nothing positive to say, and no vision for the country beyond turning the clocks back Howard style.

Perhaps Clive Palmer and Bob Katter – who epitomise the loony far right could offer the country a way of avoiding the disaster of a Tony Abbott-led government by dumb perverse chance.  They might split the conservative vote and allow Labor a slim chance to survive; a chance to push forward with more real reform.

A chance to avoid accommodating the political wishes of morons whose sole objection to the PM is “I just don’t like her”.

I’m not a huge fan of Julia Gillard, but I do concede that she and the party have had to deal with some seriously difficult issues – from the position of a minority government, the powerful hostility of the mining and energy multinationals, a hostile media, corruption and outright incompetence in the broader Labor party and the global financial crisis, the rise of violent fundamentalists and the distractions of a deposed former leader who has justified his own removal by acting like a petulant schoolgirl ever since.

I want a tough and humane leader who admits and redresses mistakes like she does.  I don’t want some bozo on a bicycle wandering around in dayglo vests with hair nets and safety glasses, pretending that he’s a man of the people, struggling to keep his um feet out of um his um mouth.

Smells a bit Fishy

Smells a bit Fishy

An Australian George W Bush ?  Please NO !

Libnat Product Endorsement #10 – Mirabella Ball

03 Friday May 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

Sophie Mirabella

mace-825x450

Something to look forward to from the future Minister for Innovation, Industry, Science and Research ?

We Will Remember [redacted]

25 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Afghanistan, Anzac, diggers, post traumatic stress, war injuries

pixellated Soldier2

Story by Emmjay

Our traditional view of the valiant digger is certainly that of a noble self-effacing hero.  A ragtag larrikin in a pair of over-sized shorts and massive boots with a slouch hat and a rollie cigarette dangling precariously from his lip.  This improbable warrior has more than likely just put his life on the line for his mates and overcome enormous odds to defeat a far more numerous foe through rat like ingenuity and courage, a single shot .303 rifle, a cup of tea and a yard of number 8 fencing wire.

We will remember him.  He was our Dad or Grandad, uncle or brother.  He has lived through unimaginable horror and he carried his burden silently.  Only his immediate family know the price he paid for his service to God and country.  The same price they continue to pay long after the bullets have stopped flying.

But that was yesterday and the image of our digger today is more like the bloke in the picture above.  He is anonymous in life and almost invisible.  He is a highly-trained and well-equipped (we are told).  He – and of course nowadays also she – is a professional killer.  We see him visited by our Prime Ministers and Ministers of Defence and pixellated out on our flat screen TVs – particularly when he is an elite Special Services assassin.

That is, until he has the misfortune of being killed by a gang of ragtag vagabond insurgents in filthy scraps.  Killed with improvised explosive devices – not ultra high tech clean weapons, but stuff that they cobbled together through rat-like cunning and ingenuity from explosives they stole or bought from our allies.  We don’t call these men our enemies because we cannot discern them from the people we are calling our allies.

We call them insurgents.  And when our diggers kill them, we show them not in flag-draped coffins flown home for honourable burials with pomp and ceremony and eulogies from prominent politicians.  We show them dead in a dusty ditch with blood and flies.  No noble warriors there.  Not family men leaving widows and children to fend for themselves until they grow into the next generation of “allies”.  Insurgents.

But there are two more diggers that we never seem to see these days.  One is new.  The other is as old as time itself.

Recently the Americans created and awarded a new kind of medal to some specialist military personnel – are they really what one might call “soldiers” ?  These good men and women visit death and destruction on our mutual enemies by sitting at computer screens somewhere far removed from the battlefield – and fly drone (unmanned) aircraft allegedly capable of  assassinating only the most important enemy leaders.  We call them precision-strikes because there’s never any unintended damage or death.  We would call that “collateral damage” – in the unlikely event that it was ever to occur.

No smell of high explosives.  No dust and blood for these high tech warriors.  No service in hostile foreign lands far from loved ones deep in harm’s way.  No personal risk beyond a slight case of RSI.  These heroes are putting their carpal tunnels on the line for God and country.  Let’s give them medals.

The timeless image of our forgotten digger is the man who was badly wounded but who lived.  This bloke is an embarrassment.  Well, he must be, because we treat him like he doesn’t exist.  Especially if his wounds are psychological.

He’s one we will do our best to forget.

We know exactly how many diggers have been killed in Afghanistan.  We get updates moments after the event – who, when, where.  But the digger who is wounded is a fast fading statistic at best; more likely a report written in invisible digital ink.

There’s not a lot of military glory in mental health disability, is there.

Our military commanders insist we have no endemic mental health problems with our returned soldiers.  So it’s no surprise that we seem incapable of making sure that there is first rate psychological support for the man or woman who has gone through hell and come back worst for wear.  Because he or she is a phantom.

It’s up to him or her to suppress the anguish and recurrent horror.  And it’s up to their family to shoulder on their own the endless burden of service to country .

The family certainly won’t forget.

But our politicians and bureaucrats will do their darndest to make it as difficult as possible for returned service men and women to receive proper care.  Deny, obfuscate, red tape, red tape, red tape. Disgraceful.

And we as Australians have got to do a lot better than this.

This Week’s Mindset (#3) – Oranges at Half Time

19 Friday Apr 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 30 Comments

Tags

Mind set report

emmjay oranges at half time

Report by Emmjay

Sports fans heaved a sigh of relief at the half-time whistle in the school holiday championships.  One prominent parent of a high school student was overheard in the locker room negotiating a performance enhancing supplement to get through the second week of the holidays without going on report for a spear tackle she made on her Jaidyn.

Other supplements in this weeks mindset included lomotil abuse.  Lomotil is not actually banned, but has been shown to only have marginal effects  on alleviating parental shits when the chant of “I’m BORED” is uttered one too many times.

It is easy to see the frustration on the faces of coaches this season with players who find it impossible to get around to cleaning up their crap, getting dressed, eating anything other than junk food or getting off their arses and going outside to reacquaint themselves with the big ball of fire in the sky.

Parents seeking refuge from domestic overload were well represented in the workplace this week with abnormally low absenteeism in all sectors but particularly education.  Vacation care workers packed down tightly and practiced their rolling mauls  – hoping to get over the line just once this season. However teams with skilled kickers tended to fare better when booting into the son sun.

There was no school holiday for the state premiers, their edumacation ministers and the federal government over implementing the Gonski report.  It was like a huge game of pass the parcel where everyone claimed to be in favour of the game, share its objectives, vote for apple pie and motherhood (except in the case of single sex marriages) etc, but nobody had thought of putting a present inside the wrapping paper.

Speaking of same sex marriages, human relationship mind setters were puzzled by  the curious happenstance of conservative British and Kiwi  governments approving legislation to afford gays and lesbians the same opportunity for marital misery as heteros.  One Pig’s Arms mindset reporter was alarmed by the excessive use of video footage of hairy-chested Kiwi brides tossing around corsages, however he suggested that the gays were even less decorous.

A few international events grew large in this week’s mindset.  A small number of deaths in spectacular circumstances in one part of the world possessed most of the mindset playing field; a large number of deaths in a minor league (that we were more interested in last year) failed to capture much mindset yardage this week.

No major sportscaster reported results from the Syrian civil war games this week and the conflict is definitely in danger of relegation to a lower division of western mindset consciousness.

And similarly, Oscar Pistorius failed to register in this week’s mindset, indicating that the global mind set appetite for bizarre superstar tragedy is in decline for the moment.

Sports fans are showing an increasing lack of interest in sham doping scandals amongst the football codes and doping agencies are showing a distinct lack of interest in swabbing the new Western Sydney round ball players who, through some miracle seem to have made it to the grand final in their first season.  Club officials are trying to sell the idea that the team’s stellar performance is mostly due to the massive fan base support but no fan has come forward to pee into a bottle for the team.

Redneck A-League shoot-out results in the US have shown yet again that an entrenched professional closed-mind set still beats an inspired amateur mindset without any doubt.  Contrasting this in the NSW National Park freestyle shooting events, results have been more mixed.  The amateur non-shooters seem to me grabbing a larger mindset share as the gun-totin troglodytes drill a few more cordite holes in their Kodiac boots.  Ballistic commentators have said that the O’Farrell refereeing is inconsistent and most probably severely wind-affected.  The spokesman for the “Fishing in National Parks” wing of the party was unavailable for comment and the sign on his door was definitive.

That’s all for this week, tune in again next week when we delve into the surprising lack of coverage of anti-Thatcher protest over the fact that she was not cremated at the stake.

Libnat Product Endorsement #3 – Tax-free Carbon Paper

16 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Libnat, satire

Carbon_paper

This wonderful product has come in particularly handy amongst Conservative think tankers who need a policy in a hurry when the quality doesn’t need to be as good as the original.

In fact, this product itself – is a major plank in the Coalition’s Climate Change Policy (CCCP) – look it up under “carbon sequestration”.

Libnat Product Endorsement #2 The Andrew Blot Pencil

12 Friday Apr 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 8 Comments

twisted-pencil-in-yellow-thumb12186689

Andrew Blot Pencil – Twisted and Pointing to the Right

Image

Coalition National Broadband Policy Explained

12 Friday Apr 2013

Tags

Coalition Broadband Policy, satire

Coalition broadband policy

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff | Filed under Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 24 Comments

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