In a masterstroke of political outflanking, the Leader of the Opposition announced today that his government would fully rebate all the daylight saved under the allegedly outgoing Labor Government.

Although short on details about how he would go about this – consistent with other Coalition alleged policy, Mr Dutton hinted that states with a relatively short supply of daylight (e.g. New Zealand and Greenland), would be fully compensated and that they could elect to take all the daylight in a single rebate – meaning no night-time for months – a productivity boost – or that they could simply add a few extra hours each day.

Recipients of the extra daylight would have to agree to not using the extra daylight to generate renewable solar energy.

Mr Dutton was non-committal about the position of Queensland (his own state) which of course saved no daylight, but he added that Queensland could elect (him) sorry, could elect to accept a deeming position where his government would assume that Queensland HAD saved daylight and somehow manage to pork barrel the sunlight that had not been actually saved.

It was not clear, given the current date, whether Mr Dutton was joking and commentators were evenly divided – except for NEWS Corp who would never ever publish anything that they even suspected was an out-and-out complete lie !

Research Update

As many of our astute readers know, the Pig’s Arms research unit at the University of Enmore does cutting edge work on the mechanics of running a robber baron economy.

In the interests of helping out a Reserve Bank that’s clearly desperately trying to justify maintaining crippling interest rates, our research team went out into the field and exposed our credit cards to see what kind of by-catch our nets would dredge up.

Preliminary Findings

The taxi from the Enmore Institute to Sydney’s airport advertised a fixed price of $27 and three bits. But what showed up on the Slavecard statement was $28 and two bits. No tap and go here. They sting you later after your plane to Dubbo has taken off.

A tiny coffee and two bits of raisin toast was advertised at $10 with no added charm from the barista. But at the till the price inflated to $10.65.

Now the usual bullsh1t is adding the charge the merchant will have to pay the Slavecard people. Well, our researchers found that for a Slavecard, this would be 1.65% – or on a ten buck coffee plus toast transaction this would add 17c.

Do you see where we’re going with this ?

Somewhere along the line, Mrs Paddock is pocketing a quiet clip of nearly half a percent, or as our banking friends (and I use the term loosely) like to say, fifty basis points.

Now since Covid quietly strangled cash in the retail zone, the Slavecard people and merchants have apparently turned taking advantage of our trusting fiduciary indifference into an art form. OK, it’s a lot harder for merchants to accidentally forget to pay tax on cash transaction income when there is no cash, We get that.

But Enmore Institute research clearly shows that the banks and real estate agents are not the only thieving bastards driving up inflation.

Reserve Bank Governors take notice.

Scott Morrison’s farewell dinner in The Shire has been announced and then quietly cancelled, in a touching tribute to the former PM’s reputation for never actually going through with anything.

Organisers of the event said they wanted to create a send-off for Morrison that captured the essence of his time in office. “When we thought back to what he had achieved as PM we came up with absolutely nothing. And that’s when we knew we’d hit on the perfect farewell,” one of the organisers said. “What better way to honour the man than with an elaborately-announced but never-actually-implemented leaving do?

Borrowed with thanks from the Shovel. Do rock over there and subscribe.

Mildly Coarse Language Warning

A Bruised And Bloodied Scotty Asks If His Colleagues Can Stop Throwing Him Under The Bus Every 5 Minutes

The Prime Minister is recovering after being thrown under a passing bus this afternoon by another one of his colleagues. Earlier today, Scott Morrison was thrown under a bus by Liberal New South Wales Premier Dom Perrottet after the latter announced that microchipped travellers from overseas would be allowed to come here and not quarantine – provided they don’t have the Pangolin’s Revenge. And just moments ago, his political rival Petter Dutton said he supports a net-zero Australia by 2050.