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Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle

Category Archives: The Public Bar

Of Proust and Penguins

19 Saturday Sep 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in Helvi Oosterman, Ladies Lounge, The Public Bar

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

books, Herman Hesse, moving, Patric White

By Helvi Oosterman.

I’m standing in front of our floor to ceiling book cases and I don’t know where to start my weeding; we are moving to a smaller place and I have to select which books to take and which not. I have three milk crates on the table: one for daughter, one for charity and one for the cottage. The ones I want to keep can stay until we actually move.

I take books out at random. ‘The End of Certainty’ by Paul Kelly is the first one. It was a birthday present from Allan, who passed away far too young at fifty. His beautiful hand writing makes me choke at the loss of a dear friend and I want to keep the book. ‘In the box’, says the boss who hasn’t even read it. The next one happens to be a slim volume by Marguerite Duras, a French writer who used live in Vietnam when it was still Indo-China. I start reading ‘Practicalities’; beautiful short essays about life, love, writing, Paris and wasting time. I feel I’m not wasting a minute re-reading this and not sticking to the task at hand: I have to keep this one;  it’s only a slip of a book.

On the bottom shelf, out of sight are my yearly diet books; I have bought one every January, new year, new me. Easy goodbyes to all; from Atkins to Scarsdale to South Beach. I count only seven;  many of them have already left the house to end up fattening girl friends’ book shelves. Then I pick a stack of yellowed old Penguins, Mishima, Kawabata, Hermann Hesse and Böll, which have escaped the previous throw-out. They are like very old friends now;   I put them back on the shelf.

I’m not doing too well, and I decide to take a break and walk to check the cottage collection. I find that most of them are results of previous culls, books that I had not chosen myself. Even so I managed to bring back an armful: a book on Finnish art, a long lost one of V.S. Naipaul and ‘By Way of Sainte-Beuve’ by Marcel Proust.

I have spent some hours by now and not much to show for; maybe the best thing to do is to tackle one shelf daily until the job is done. We have time;  we haven’t even put the house on the market yet. Husband walks by and looks at the empty boxes, he can see that I’m getting a headache and am close to tears: Maybe I can help tomorrow? This is not what I want;  he’ll only leave his Patrick Whites and some boring stories about Aussies migrating to Paraguay and maybe George Perec’ s  ‘Life, the User’s Manual’. ‘You can help with the cook books and the gardening ones’, I say as I have already promised to give them to family members; I have enough recipes in my head by now and my new garden will  be very small.

Oh no, I have totally forgotten about dictionaries and other language and reference books in the office and all my favorites in the bed room!

The drunken train guard.

17 Thursday Sep 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Public Bar

≈ 14 Comments

Train guard

Our time spent at Scheyville Migrant Camp was not according to the original plan. The Van Dijks were going to provide us with accommodation at their place direct after landing, indeed, an extension would be built that would give us adequate space for the whole eight of us. But for one reason or another it would be best to get on our feet with rest and adjust to a new country and its ways. It was suggested that we would be better placed in understanding about Australia if we had some experience in this Scheyville camp. It would just be for a few weeks and then we would all move into their place.

This gave us some time to reconnoitre the surroundings and perhaps do the basics of trying to start normal life in getting through some of the formalities, enrolling the young ones for schools, and in the case of dad, me and Frank, finding work and earn money that would certainly help us a leap into the future.

It was therefore decided to get the Pole and his top secret route with his taxi service to take us through the flooded surroundings and back roads to the nearest railway station. It would just be a nice train trip to see more of Sydney. A bit of a holiday in fact. We were dropped off early in the morning; the Polish car driver had given us the timetable of train to Sydney and back. Dad asked for the return tickets in French a ‘retour de Sydney’, he was a bit nervous, after all it was his first attempt at English.

His knowledge of English was based on his schooling, alright by many standards, certainly better than the train guard who asked to see the tickets after we had been on the train for about one hour. “CCsHows yer frigginen thikets”, he demanded, lurching rather dangerously towards my mother.  What was this now? “Pardon”, my father asked. “ STicketts mate,” was his answer. Well, it was an improvement on being called ‘love’ back in deserted Fremantle. Even so, the consternation was rising in our little group. Our concern was noticed by a fellow train passenger. Don’t worry, the friendly train traveller assured us, ‘he has been on the turps’. Turps?  My father was racking his brains about turps, but slowly it must have dawned on my parents that the train guard was drunk. Stone, and totally drunk. How was this possible? In a country that was supposed to be a better place for the children’s future? This was totally unexpected and unsettling. What was waiting for us in Sydney? Instead of healthy fence leaping by postmen and newspaper deliverers, as on the promotional film in Holland, we were confronted with a drunk. This was totally out of the norm by any standard.

In Holland none of us had ever experienced even seeing wine or alcohol, let alone anyone drunk. Well,’ never seen alcohol’, might be a bit of an exaggeration, father and mother did have a New Year’s single small glass of sherry every year.

jam sandwich

Our arrival in Sydney was drunk-less and a great relief for all of us. We walked to Hyde Park and mum distributed all the ready- made IXL jam sandwiches, but not with as much jam as we would have liked. Old habits die hard, they say.

Father Finds GO’D and Gets O’Way from Himself

16 Wednesday Sep 2009

Posted by Mark in Mark, The Public Bar

≈ 47 Comments

Tags

cricket, Father O'Way, humor, science fiction

A Dire Rectory ?

A Dire Rectory ?

Acronyms, God how I hate acronyms. Usually stupid and generally meaningless along with mnemonics they stick in your head to remind you just how stupid you really are. Remember as kids in the parish school the all time classic, ARITHMETIC,   A Red Indian Thought He Might Eat Tobacco In Church. What twaddle. Racist diatribe if ever there was one. I mean the only red Indians I knew were constantly having the shit shot out of them in country and western movies. Eat in church was a given no no and who in their right mind would want to eat tobacco for God sake. My dad used to smoke Cabin Cut, Ready Rolled, can I imagine dad hoeing into his tobacco after tea in the lounge, no way.

Anyway the one acronym that makes me tingle with pleasure is POTTY. The Potty Awards, the Priest Of The Tropical Year Awards and yes, I’m in the pipeline to win this year. See I’ve been invited to the Rectory to have dinner with the Bish and an important guest this Wednesday. Not next Wednesday or last Wednesday but the Wednesday before the Saturday night of the awards. Obviously the Bish wants to disclose that I’m this year’s winner so I can have my acceptance speech ready to rock. Oh yes, all 32 pages, ready to roll thanks to the kind Voice who helped me pen an appropriate dialogue.

I enter the Grand Dining Room at the Rectory. It’s dimly lit for the mood and a table is set for three with all of the plates and correct wine glasses. I can see this guest must be someone really special. Belinda informed me the night before that the Bish had asked her to prepare a special feast with an Indian theme, yummy, my favourite. Ah the beautiful Belinda, as the Head Caterer for the Rectory she does a brilliant job, in fact she does a brilliant head [Cut it, stop, Helvi here, now Sandy, best behaviour please, I’ve been waiting for this story, don’t spoil it, otherwise I’ll be round to stick a rollmop where the sun don’t shine] head nod, yes the nod of her head makes me shiver with anticipation.

The Bish approaches with someone by his side, a pale looking man in a flat cap “Sandy, I’d like you to meet Gordon, Gordon O’Donnell”, oh shit, it’s him, the man in the dream about his Stat-o-matic 4000 that he lent to that interminable bore Grigor Ian Chant “Yes we’ve met Bishop” I reply nervously, I mean it’s not every day you get to meet the creator of the universe. “Pleased to meet you Sandy, the Bish has told me lots about you” Gordon declares. Gee, I hope the Bish didn’t tell him about the affair with the housekeeper and my secret liaisons with Belinda. “Here’s the Stat-o-matic 4000 Your Exalted Being” I gush stupidly as I press the little gizmo in Gordon’s direction, “Please call me Gordon or Gordy, no need for formalities here” instructs Gordon as he pockets the device.

Belinda with melons

Belinda with melons

Belinda enters the room and as usual her appearance is enough to lighten any room and she directs us to the table. Food is served, Fish Pakoras and Vegetable Samosas to start plus some delightful Chardonnay from the Clare Valley. Mains are Rogan Josh, Chicken Tandoori, Palau Rice and sambals of banana in yoghurt, tomatoes with mint and hot mango chutney. All washed down with a Jim Barry Shiraz. Dessert follows as lemon ice cream and a Botrytis Riesling. I am savouring ever mouthful while the Bish and Gordon debate cricket and without the Stat-o-matic I can’t add anything much except “Oh, yes, Steve Woe was my favourite”. This stops the Bish and Gordon who after a pause burst out laughing “It’s Steve Waugh as in War” Oops. Anyway dinner finishes and the Bish goes off into another room to smoke that stinky stuff and Gordon ushers me into the study for a French Brandy that’s about 200 years old he just happened to find in his cellar and a cigar. How civilised. “Now Sandy, I’m sure you have some questions for me but first how do you feel about space travel?” Gordon asks. “Space travel? What about the Potty Awards?” I inquire lubricated by the fine wine. Gordon smiles “Don’t worry about them, that prick Basil Sauce will win this year. There are bigger plans afoot for you….”

Pigs fly on Father’s day in Bowral.

07 Monday Sep 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Public Bar

≈ 30 Comments

Pigs can fly indeed

By Helvi Oosterman

Pigs  Fly on Father’s  Day in Bowral

Father’s and Mother’s days are a good excuse to go out to lunch;  presents are forbidden unless they come in a shape of nice bottle of Shiraz for Gez and a bunch of flowers for me.

We had made arrangements to meet in Bowral as it is roughly halfway for us in Brayton and the family members in Sydney. We must have synchronized our travelling time well , as we all arrived  at the agreed time, spot on at mid day.  Son loves his beer and could not resist swapping the usual Shiraz for beer as the mini gift for his dad, and what better beer for  the Pig’s Arms customer than the aptly named one: Pigs Fly!

I don’t know where he found it but I’m not inventing anything here;  It does exist and it’s made by Bowral Beer Company and is advertised as Bradman Brew. I just found out that it got a silver medal at this year’s Food Festival in Sydney.

I could not help but sharing this with you, if only to prove that there is only six degrees of separation between just about anything; Pig Arms, Pigs Fly Beer, Bowral, Bradman, a bottle of Shiraz and the place where my son bought it, Burrawang!

Whoring in Fremantle and lamingtons.

03 Thursday Sep 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Public Bar, Travels

≈ 34 Comments

Johan Van Oldenbarneveldt

As hinted earlier, the first Australian Port of Call, Fremantle on a February Sunday, 1956 was somewhat of a surreal experience. I am not sure what the Italian Luigis or Greek Stavrosses thought about it all. Despite my fifteen years of age or because of it, I needed to see and meet new people, our first Australians to be precise. After the whole ship donned Sunday best with coats and ties, pre-pressed and creased pants and frocks, the twelve hundred passengers could not get off the boat quick enough.

We all sauntered ‘en masse’ over a large steel bridge spanning acres of industrial rail-lines and rubble, walking for quite some distance when we finally found our way to Fremantle’s first row of houses. Perhaps because of the intense heat and distance we already encountered some passengers who were on the way back to the ship. One Dutchman who we knew from onboard proudly practised his English and said “kept left in Australia” to us, in a strong guttural accent, eyes sparkling. We of course still walked on the right hand side, but not him. He would definitely succeed in Australia! Our eight of us persevered but somewhat uncomfortable in the simmering heat and in all our finery.

Not a soul to be seen. Was this a practise run for a Neville Shute’s film set of ‘on the beach’? This might be the best way to describe what confronted our family walking through the deserted and weather board peppered street scapes, even though the ‘on the beach’ was not written till 1957 with its theme of an Australian town awaiting death from an atomic bomb.  Perhaps the feeling of a town without people being visible often acts as a catalyst for many a book or painting. Did Neville Shute visit Fremantle on a Sunday prior to writing his best seller, I wonder?  Apart from Neville Shute’s book and film with Ava Gardner, another example of the strange feeling of this typical Australian town on a Sunday, might well be in contemplating a painting by Jeffrey Smart. Of course at that time, those artists were totally unknown in Fremantle and no amount of clairvoyance of its people could have been responsible for the feeling of emptiness in those streets.

In fact, there were people there, with here and there a steady radio drone coming from within the cream painted weatherboards. Years later when I learned how to spot signs of life within those curtained and venetian blinded off houses, a cricket score then often betrayed life, even though the desire to be unseen and to remain private was strongly adhered to.

Bustling Fremantle 1956.

My dad and kids bravely walked on determined to finally say something to someone, preferably a real Australian. We walked up a hill with on top some kind of monument and even the so longed for palm tree finally in sight. Diagonally across from the monument and palm park we spotted a shop with doors open. We made a surge towards this shop, thirsty for any quenching liquid and first contact. We entered the shop and expectations of an introduction and possible handshake were foremost in dad’s mind.

A handshake was always done back home and as common as donning a hat to a passerby, or standing up for a lady in the bus or tram. Surely, anyone could sense that we were belonging to the just landed. The shopkeeper seemed totally unaware of our presence and did not even look around from where she was stacking a shelf with her back to us. The situation was not helped when the younger kids started to fidget and the thirst and promised quench was getting more urgent. We had no option though and surely with the noise and restlessness she would finally have to acknowledge us. Was she deaf or mute, possibly blind?

It was none of that, it was just that in that part of the world, customer service was still not to be given under any circumstance, a mere leftover from the days that it was common for people to disrespect authority and not to be seen grovelling to the gov’nr. A fair crack of the whip is all they could hope for and this shopkeeper and her ancestors had been taught and also learnt that the customer was now the person to be kept subservient and waiting. The shopkeeper was the Guv with the whip. Of course, my dad had no inkling at that time of those delicate cultural nuances brought out and exposed in those minutes of waiting for a response from this shopkeeper.

Lamington shop. ( Amsterdam)

Yes love? Finally a response, but ‘yes love’, did he hear right? A question from female shopkeeper calling someone a’ love’, what was this now about? Dad and family went through war and hunger, changing and moving to other city, had a large family, took a boat to the end of the universe with a marriage and fine wife intact and so strong, and now, finally when on first walkabout in Australia and on a first meeting with an Australian and after a long and hot walk, he was called ‘love’ by a strange woman? This was too much to take in, he quickly pointed at some brown cakes sprinkled with some white flaky stuff, and two large bottles of a luridly coloured soft drink or lemonade. We all bolted as fast as we could. ‘Love’ indeed. It must have been a brothel. Those very first cakes were about twenty years later identified as ‘lamingtons’.

It was a slow walk back to the ship. There was a lot to think about and to digest. The lamingtons were eaten in silence and the soft drink shared amongst the eight of us. I remember being vaguely aware of my friends comments back home about Australia being closed up on a Sunday. I started to feel apprehensive as well as tired and mulled over the shop woman and her strange reluctance to serve us. It was way beyond my depth to accept the day as a rewarding experience in meeting our first friendly and welcoming Australian.  I missed my friends.

Pig’s Arms Bar Decontamination Staff.

03 Thursday Sep 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in Ladies Lounge, The Public Bar

≈ 50 Comments

Watch out, I'm coming for the contaminated.

Watch out, I'm coming for the contaminated.

Pig’s Arms Bar Decontamination Staff

By Madeleine Love.

The Pigs Arms Bar Decontamination Staff have to be called in most mornings.

Daphne:  I’m interviewing barmaid Belinda for the Pig’s Arms Trumpeter this morning as we tiptoe through the early morning bar after the night before.  Good morning Belinda!

Belinda:  Good morning, Daphne.

Daphne:  I see you’re all kitted out for the cleanup, Belinda.

Belinda:  It’s a Work and Safety necessity, Daphne.

Daphne:  You’re wearing the full asbestos outfit.

Belinda:  Yes, we are usually dealing with asbestos after a rough night in the Bar.

Daphne:  How often would a head or a fist go through one of the asbestos sheeting panels?

Belinda:  It doesn’t happen every night, but fairly regularly.  Merv repairs the sheeting where he can, but eventually there’s nothing much he can do and he’s forced to replace it.

Daphne:  I see a lot of broken plates around this morning.

Belinda:  The Greeks were in last night.  They’re in most nights.  We do ask that they bring their own plates, but we offer the cleaning service.

Daphne:  Have you ever thought of making a ceramic mosaic out of all these shards?

Belinda:  Merv’s a wonder with recycling.  If granny can’t araldyte the plates back together he makes use of the bits.  I’ll show you through the toilets later.

Daphne:  What’s all this burnt metal in the corner?

Belinda:  That was the thespians.  There was a Persian war re-enactment thing – they set a few aerosol cans burning.

Daphne:  Curtains are a mess!  And this wall that’s been knocked in?

Belinda:  That doesn’t usually happen.  Bloody Danny from the car yard next door was cleaning up after last night and he’s driven his bulldozer into the pub.  He say he can get us some fibro from somewhere, cheap.

Daphne:  Thank you for the wonderful insight into mornings at the Pig’s Arm Bar, Belinda.

Belinda:  Thank you Daphne.

Daphne:  That was Belinda, and I’m Daphne at the Pig’s Arms, where a little thing like lipstick on a table is completely unimportant.

Persian delight.

30 Sunday Aug 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Public Bar

≈ 30 Comments

Cyclamen rescued

Cyclamen rescued

gerard oosterman.

It just happens that we need flowers in the house as much as vegemite on toast (Helvi) or blankets on the bed.  We could not live without them. Admittedly, this is taken care of more by her than me, although at Aldi I often spot a nice bunch for little money, urging her to get them. The best way is of course to buy  flowering pot plants.

Here in the dry and crispy climes the most outstanding plant with months of flowering would have to be the simple cyclamen. When we wake up,( So far fairly regularly), we are greeted by a pink cyclamen in front of the window frame, with its buds and flowers nodding  at us.

After flowering we were brutal enough to chuck them in the garden, where they die from drought or simply go underground. It was one of those that had gone sub-soil who decided to rear its head last Autumn with the leaves poking up after some rain. Helvi dug up its tuber carefully and potted it. It was given top mulch and some fish emulsion. It  got more leaves and soon the first of its flowering buds. It is now in full glory and the picture above is the one.

They grow wild, with many species in abundance around the Mediteranian countries, usually in subdued light and underneath trees. According to some experts, it came originally from Iran’s mountain slopes and spread throughout Asia Minor, then to Greece, Spain and other countries.

They, the original species, could withstand frost of minus 15c. Amazing. On top of all those delightful qualities, it turns out you can not only admire the cyclamen for it’s looks but also eat them. The leaves in Iran are sometimes used to make tea. It makes one almost want to join the Cyclamen societies of which there are many. Perhaps go to a meeting and see what exciting things members come up with in the simple world of the Cyclamen.

The contented tombs

In the world of flowers, there could be nothing more depressing to a cyclamen, or a kalanchoe for that matter,than the popularity of artficial flowers, especially our fondness for those plastic things on graves and tomb stones. Can you imagine the dearly departed, after such difficult and tormented lives, to be further insulted by fading plastic. Even weeds or a gentle dusting by wattle flower  would be better.  Is it true, that a culture is judged by how we look after our dead?

Plastic homage to the dead.

Plastic homage to our dead.

Anyway, who would have thought the cyclamen would pop up in the Goulburn’s region?

Hope is alive.

The farewells of no returns.

27 Thursday Aug 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Public Bar

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Those final farewells.

 There were quite a few English ‘ten pound’ single men migrants saying their permanent farewells with parents on the quay. I remember,” Goodbye Jack, don’t forget to write to your sister. Cheerio son. Let us know how you are going, won’t you?  Yes mum, see you then. Keep well boy,” and with these words of parting they too set sail for Australia.

After a couple of days, the sun came out and weather was getting Mediterranean with passengers settled. I was most impressed with the food and menus that we were asked to choose from. Can you imagine, getting to choose between boiled or fried eggs, beef or pork, mashed or boiled spuds, carrots or spinach, tea or coffee?

After a few days, arriving first in Genoa then Naples and finally Messina in Sicily, where I then witnessed the goodbyes of all goodbyes. Not only to Mama, Papa, sorelli and brothers, uncles and aunties, the barber, grandparents, villages and brotherhoods, but also forever and ever with the unrelieved and spine tingling goodbyes that haunt those harbours still.  With great heaving, wailings, endless sobbing, and despair soaked up in acres of their best hankies. These were the goodbyes at their best and saddest and so final.

Those were the farewells of no return.

As the ship of Johan.V.Oldenbarnevelt finally pulled away from Messina’s moorings and thick ropes, huge cries would rise again; reach across the widening gap of water. One old man, and papa to dear son Luigi departing, the best cobbler of the village, so unrelentingly steeped in grief and sobbing, lost his dentures in the water as well as son (going far away,) no doubt to be found that same week by a keen archaeologist of that ancient harbour.

The Dutch way of departing was a bit in between, more practical matters would be discussed. Have you got enough underwear for the six weeks? Don’t forget the cod liver oil. We heard the vegetables are not fresh. Yes, we are doing this for the children, and yes, we heard there are bathrooms in some of the houses in Sydney.  The weather is much warmer there and palm trees too. Stop sniffling and fidgeting Gerard!

See you!

Next day on board, those sad Sicilians were still hanging over the sides of the boat. Doe eyed and cast towards the shores that had disappeared and gone forever with’ famille en casa con la tavola’. While the young poms were strolling towards the bars that would open up in international waters away from coast and provide tax free alcohol relief. A little orchestra would soon strike up a cheery waltz, such as the much favourite; It’s on the isle of Capri where I met you………Was it Dean Martin?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOVbB_rEar8

 It would be another two weeks before an ’Oh sole mio’ would be tried. Tables would be set up for card games and Tombola. After a couple of days, the red rimmed eyes of the Southern Italians would revert to black again and friendships were being made quickly.

The English bachelors were less forthcoming and seemed more at ease pondering uncertain futures by themselves, perhaps with a glass or two of beer.

A Promised Land.

23 Sunday Aug 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Other Side of the Carpark, The Public Bar

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By oosterman

Dinner inside Nissan hut

Dinner in the Nissan hut.

After a most enjoyable 5 weeks on board The Johan Van Oldenbarnevelt since leaving Rotterdam, I finally disembarked at the Sydney’s Circular quay side back in 1956. My first milk shake at the Spiro’s milk bar in George Street and a look at St Mary’s cathedral is what I still remember. However, more etched into my mind is what followed then.

It was sometime in the afternoon when those destined for Scheyville migrant camp were asked to assemble at the quay side. Our luggage would follow the bus in trucks. Of course, no one knew where that camp was situated. Somewhere in Sydney is what we were told. The bus was thus loaded with lots of shut jaw clamped migrants. We would finally face the reality of what our parents had undertaken.  Some of them we befriended during the boat trip over, including a family of Dutch Indonesian born. They were content to be just in a warmer place regardless of anything else!

I was just happy to look out of the bus window and more than curious what Australia and the sub-tropics were all about. I noticed first of all a kind of architectural chaos with many advertising hoardings and scrambles of signs vying for attention. This was (and still is) Parramatta Rd in full glory.

Being February and hot, I noticed after about ‘n hour’s drive or so, that the bus stopped and driver got out but we were staying put. It took some time and after lots of sweating that the driver got back in and we continued. It was well after arrival, a few days later, that we heard that the driver had got a ‘couple’ from the Locomotive Hotel at Homebush. I believe this pub is now a Pizza Franchise.

Nissan hut migrant camp.

Our arrival at Scheyville was surprising. My mother first thought that those Nissan Huts were for the push bikes. I was more circumspect as I noticed beds with mattresses and, when I opened a drawer it had crusts of bread in it.  The afternoon heat and the long drive did not lessen my or my brothers enthusiasm for exploring the surroundings. The camp was surrounded by water as heavy monsoonal rains had fallen nonstop the previous few days. In no time were our shoes muddy. My dad in his Dutch mind set could not accept at once the extraordinary changes overwhelming him. The mud on shoes was so foreign and frightening… It was all happening too fast and he could simply not absorb this slip in order and neatness. He gave us a good smack.

Me and my brothers took it all in our stride and had our youth to back up any strangeness. In fact, it was this foreignness that excited us most. Fancy, on the next day excursion finding trees with orange coloured fruit on them.  We climbed the fence and pinched some but they were unripe so we chucked them feeling like millionaires.

My parents had a job adjusting to the Nissan huts, the general squalor with meals eaten in communal areas on timber benches. The camp seemed to be managed by Australians but the workers such as cooks, cleaning and kitchen staff were refugees from Poland, Hungary and Russia. In those communal eating areas, huge steel tins of chunky melon and pineapple jam were on wooden tables with pre-sliced white bread. Plates were laden with steaming slices of lamb and rich gravy, endless supplies of peas and carrots. Second helpings as well.

Australia was the ‘promised ‘land” after all.

Doing O’Way with Bad Habits

18 Tuesday Aug 2009

Posted by Mark in Mark, The Public Bar, The Sports Bar

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Father O'Way

Stimulated O'Way offering guidance

Stimulated O’Way offering guidance

The sun is shining. It’s a Beautiful Day by U2 plays in my head because it is, a beautiful day. Belinda has laid out the blanket, popped the Moet and is spreading my gluten free crackers with pate. The river is full of water and fish are jumping out and displaying themselves in their full magnificence only to fall back into the stream with a splash that leaves you wanting for more. Ah yes doesn’t get any better that this. Belinda places her hand on my thigh and I tingle with delight and to where this could lead [Stop, stop, cut, Warrigal here, look Sandy, when I was knee high to a grasshopper my father taught me to stay focused otherwise you will lose the audiences interest] [Groan, yes Waz, whatever you say]

In the distance I can hear a strange beeping noise, you know, like when a truck is reversing. It’s getting louder and louder.

I sit up. I’m in my room at the B&B. The clock tells me its 4 am. The phone is ringing. “Sandy, Bish here” How did I know it would be the Bish, “Hey Bish aren’t you on holidays?” I politely ask. “Yes Sandy but a Bishop is never off duty. Now get over to the Oval for the last test, we can’t lose this one. Now I want you to do a few things for me at the test if we need them done” Now there are millions of things that interest me more than some cricket game but as usual I never let the Bish know that, not his precious game of cricket, not of a bunch of grown men chasing a ball around a park for five days, “Now what may that be?” I ask with an air of obedient disinterest. “Look if we need you to  have to streak, slow the game down, so yeah, streak” Streak, you have got to fecking joking mate, it’s too cold here at the best of times, me peter will shrivel up and I be the laughing stock at the next heads of church meeting. “Streak Bish?”, “Yes and start a fight.” Oh for fuck sake, a fight, me a simple man of the cloth, a peacemaker, start a fight, “But Bish I’m a lover not a fighter” I bemoan. Probably end up in jail with some psychotic killer with a pension(sic) (no, really sic –  but funny !) for priest abuse. “Yes a fight” the Bish roars “Look its simple, tell the Barmy Army that the Aussie fans called Ian Botham a poofter and tell the Aussie fans that the English fans called Warnie a dickhead”. “But Warnie is a dickhead” I inform the Bish, “Yes I know but never let the truth get in the road of a good story. So streak then fight and if that fails ring the Emergency crew with a bomb hoax”

  1. Darkness envelops the room and casts a shadow over my heart. Oh for the riverbank with the beautiful Belinda, blest with beauty but challenged for brains, a picnic in the sun, sharing a novel and some fine wine, chatting about this and that “Sandy who was that on the phone, would you like a coffee and a cigarette” Belinda calls, well maybe and ain’t that bad being a priest after all, “Yes dear, strong and black”.
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