Re-blogged with thanks to the Shovel.

A video emerged this week of the Prime Minister claiming he has been called upon to ‘do God’s work’.

But is he really carrying out the work of God? It turns out, yes. We’ve uncovered eleven quotes from the Bible that substantiate Mr Morrison’s claim.

John 12:16 – John 12:16 – And the people said unto the Lord ‘Why hath we no immunisations?’ And the Lord said unto them, ‘That is a matter for the states’.

Luke: 5:21 – Jesus looked at the poor and the helpless and the needy, and he said unto them, ‘Unfortunately I have no money to give you because I gave a $22 million taxpayer-funded handout to Gerry Harvey’.

Romans: 8:33 – And John, who was one of the Lord’s 40 media managers, said to Jesus, ‘Lord, your poll numbers are down. Let’s set up a photo shoot of you building a cubby house for chickens’.

Matthew 25:35 –  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you locked me up in an island prison for an unspecified amount of time.

Mark 8:17 – The people suffered through the worst pandemic in a hundred years. And Jesus went to Bunnings.

John 11:18 – Jesus said, ‘Send me your sinners and lepers and Robodebt collectors. Especially your Robodebt collectors’. 

James 2:8 – And Matthew, one of the Lord’s disciples, said, ‘God’s love is for everyone. But especially those living in marginal Liberal electorates’.

Luke: 2:12 – The fire burnt for 40 days and 40 nights. And Jesus hopped on the first flight to Hawaii.

Mathew 21:12-13 – And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the money changers. And then – furious at what they had done – he demanded they go on a six-week empathy training course, on full pay.

Corinthians 6:21 – Peter, Jesus’ disciple, didn’t like the mean things people said about him. So he sued for defamation.

Mathew 13:47-50 – Jesus told the people the parable of the three workers. The first worker called a rape victim a ‘lying cow’, but she kept her job because the government had only a one-seat majority. The second worker took a photo up a woman’s skirt, but he kept his job and was sent on an empathy training course. The third worker gave her staff Cartier watches, “And if she does not wish to stand aside, she can go!”

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This morning it was revealed that, in August last year, The Shovel was awarded a $400 million contract to oversee the rollout of Australia’s COVID-19 vaccination program. While this was intended to remain commercial-in-confidence, some irritating journalist, probably from the ABC, used a Freedom of Information request to release the details of the contract, and we’ve been inundated with angry emails ever since. This statement is designed to answer some of the most common questions.   How the fuck did a satirical news organisation get awarded the contract to oversee Australia’s COVID-19 vaccine rollout? A lot of people seem to be very angry about this, but we were just as entitled to apply for the contract as anyone else. It was a rigorous tender process, with several checks and balances along the way. The fact that one of our writers went to school with Greg Hunt and we donated $1.5 million donation to the Liberal Party last year is purely coincidental. Does the Shovel have any experience managing vaccination programs? No, but we did organise a very complex pub crawl for 80 people in 2012, which involved multiple venues, several different brands of beer (some imported, some made here in Australia) and a range of nasty side-effects. So it’s basically the same thing. What? A pub crawl isn’t like a vaccination rollout at all Obviously you haven’t seen our COVID-19 vaccination rollout yet. Do you have any medical experience? The morning after the pub crawl required a fair bit of medical ingenuity. But, apart from that, no. But what we lack in medical expertise we more than make up for in comedic ability. What comedic skills could possibly be of use to a vaccination program? Timing. Actually, no, bad example. We’ve totally fucked up the timing. But we have incorporated one of the other central tenets of comedy – the element of surprise. GPs are constantly telling us how surprised they are when they receive eight vials of the vaccine rather than the 400 they had been promised. This is a disaster, isn’t it? No, not at all. Everyone seems to be focusing on targets, but we put those targets in place purely for satirical purposes. And I think we can all agree that setting a target of 4 million vaccinations by March, falling short by almost 3.5 million vaccinations, and then getting Greg Hunt to say ‘‘The national vaccination program is accelerating exactly as intended” has all the hallmarks of great satire. Although nitpickers would argue that, technically, it was farce rather than satire. Is this the first time the government has awarded a commercial contract to a satirical organisation? No, in 2019 the Government awarded News Corp $345,000 to set up a spelling bee website. Has The Shovel been awarded any other government contracts? Apart from a recent engagement to run a series of empathy training courses? No.

Sorry, could not resist borrowing this one from the Shovel.

By The Shovel on March 13, 2020

COVID-19 has contracted Peter Dutton, it has been revealed.

The unsettling news was confirmed in a press release this morning. Condolences have flooded in from around the world, with thousands sending their thoughts and prayers. 

Thousands of people have been infected by Mr Dutton over the past 10 years, with many taking years to recover. 

“This is a cruel blow. We’re praying for a speeding recovery,” medical officials said. 

More to come.