Story by Emmjay

Just up the road from the Pig’s Arms is the local office of the sub continental usury association A.K.A. – a nameless fast food and petrol franchise famous for dudding its staff and ripping off its customers by charging exorbitant prices in the name of convenience.

You know the one – the bastards that Alan Fels allegedly would not piss on if they caught fire – as they sometimes do.

Anyway, the one just up the road from the Pig’s Arms was on the TV tonight – apparently one of the local wildlife (as FM refers to them) allegedly ran amok with an axe and a knife – allegedly slashing some poor punter’s face in this suddenly less convenient store and allegedly whacking another (remarkably articulate woman in a stunning neck brace) in the back of her alleged head with the aforementioned alleged axe.

Somehow the alleged woman was restrained – the one with the axe, not the one who later appeared on TV in a stunning RPAH neck brace. And true to form, NSW’s finest arrived in their dozens just in time to take charge of the by then almost fully citizen-resolved situation.

This is not the first time our local retail swamp and petrol store has been plunged into the nation’s spotlight. Sometimes the inner west makes half-arsed attempts at emulating the southwest with the occasional heist or drive by shooting. The after effects of routine heroin usage on the forecourt is part of the local environment – but lest you traverse the site, dear reader, you would be well advised to take care not to run over any of the poor human detritus eking out their existence on the bitumen thereabouts.

The last time some allegedly criminal types tried to knock off the bastion of commerciality resulted in kilometres of that checked police line tape and a shitstorm of fingerprint dust that ended up with Manne being asked quite a lot of probing questions at the local nick.   To be fair to Manne, about two thirds of the front bar patrons were also in attendance at the constabulary because they used to use the convenience store on a regular basis to buy alka seltzer (allegedly) and their dabs were all over the place.

So, in the interests of rebuilding the complete lack of confidence with which the local community regards this convenience, The Pig’s Arms has offered the alleged petrol and convenient items store the services of our ace security guard and generally impressive “don’t fuck with me” personality – Mr Crispin Bacon .

I would like to add that there is absolutely no truth in the scurrilous assertion that Merv wants to see whether the alleged convenience store has the balls to dud Crispin with some kind of pay dodge.   Prediction is that if they DO, a knife and an axe would not constitute adequate defence weaponry.

Stay tuna.