Lance – two stone lighter but still doing well

Yeah, like okay, the Bish never gives up. Managed to sneak out of the Long Room at Lords and hike a cab to Heathrow when the Bish rings “Sandy”, God I hate it when he calls me that, it means trouble and somehow I seem to be headed towards trouble at every call. “Hop a plane to Paris, Kadell Ovens is in trouble in the Tour de France, see what’s up?” ”But Bish cycling is more boring than cricket” “Just do it Sandy, anyway at the Heads of Church meeting the other night I ran into some old friends of yours, Pastor Sauce, his wife Penny and a friend Pam Esan” “Basil” I reply “How is the old tart?” “He’s good “says the Bish “He sends his best”. Now there’s a dish I wouldn’t mind, Basil Sauce, Penny and Pam Esan, hmmm, anyhow I digest, oops I mean digress, so it’s off to “gay Paree”.

Kadell agrees to meet at a café after I find out some Spaniard bloke has just won. “Well Kadell, mate, what happened?” “Well Father, this is off the record isn’t it?” “Of course my son, a priest never lies” Cough, cough, choke, choke, “Father are you alright?” “Yes my son, go ahead, your secret is safe with me” “It’s the view father, I mean when you get out in front all you see is the road” I think to myself, God invented Ducati’s to stop having to peddle in the first place for crying out loud, this joker gets a million bucks a year to ride through picturesque country side and he’s complaining about the view. “Go on” I say, “Well” Kadell stutters “I like cycling because I’m around other men” “Yes, yes, male bonding” “No Father, I mean I like sporty men, with great figures and most of all, all that rubber, in the pack I get a great view, a satisfying view of the behinds, I mean it’s glorious”

So now when you pass a group of cyclists, think of the greyhounds however instead of chasing a bunny, all those guys in the pack are actually chasing bummies.

England dismissive of another Priest

Okay, yeah right, Father O’Way here.  Had to bribe me way out of the visiting room in Shanghai with US dollars, lucky Shappy traded me some cash for those packets of green stuff back in Bali.  Anyway I’m in a cab on the way to the fecking airport when bloody hell the Bish rings, wants me to go to London to see some British queen about a secret meeting in the Long Room at Lords, I mean I thought Elton liked soccer not cricket, Jesus H. Christ, for crying out loud.  The Bish tells me “Sandy, just do it”, “But Bish cricket is boring, me eyes glaze over and the brain goes into neutral”, “Well” says the Bish, “You can always come home and face the coppers”.  So London here I come.

Long distance flying is so boring so after a bite and few glasses of Shiraz and a few more, I settle back and think of home.  Ah yes, The Pigs Arms and the crew, how I’d love to be there, sipping a Trotters, listening to Emmjay with his non-stop jokes, “Hey Father” Emm would call out, “Did you hear the one about the Pom who won a gold medal at the world championship, nah, didn’t think so”.  The bar roars with laughter.  Then there’s ato with his mystical stories of ancient Greece using the intonations of his voice to weave a spell of magic that leaves you wanting for more, oh yes. Then there’s Belinda, she enters the room surrounded by a golden aura, the sway of her breasts, her beautiful long legs and her pert bottom that sings out “Spank me, oh, spank me”, spankity spank, spankity spank.  Someone is pulling my sleeve “Father wake up, we are about to land, put on your seat belt”, Geez arse, don’t you hate it when you wake up just before the good bit.

A car meets me at the airport and takes me to Lords.  I bribe the guards with a Kylie T-shirt and some packets of suspicious white powder I got off the guards in Shanghai, little did they know that I had a Pigs Arms T-Shirt in my bag just in case negotiations got tough. I slip into the Long Room but Elton wasn’t there, it was Betty, Queen Betty the Second and the Exchequer.  I hide quietly in the background, observing all.

A Rudi awakening ?

QB: For services to cricket, England and the Commonwealth I honor you with this Knighthood. Your total ignorance of the rules, low level communication skills and pig mindedness, allowing batsmen to be given out when not, you single handedly delivered England victory at Lords for the first time in 74 years against those dastardly Antipodeans, arise Sir Rudi.

Jesus fecking Christ, Rudi Curtains, the umpire, has been knighted for giving a series of dodgy decisions that cost the Aussies the Test, well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle, no wonder the Bish wanted me here.

QB: Sir Rudi, do have anything to say?

RC: Thank you your Bettiness, yis, As a loyal South Ifrician those Aussies mongrels beat us in the last series, so anything I can do for the impire is my pleasure and I want all South Ifricians to know that, if you’re thinking about my baby, it don’t matter if your blick or white, whoa. Thanks Jacko.

With this the Queen and the Exchequer leave, I over hear Betty saying “Look ring the Foreign Minister, revoke his passport and deport him to wherever he came from, don’t actually want any witnesses you know”.

HOO’s been altaring things at the cricket again …….