You know what I hate.  What I really, really hate ?

What’s worse than soap scum that builds up in the shower ?

Answer:  The substances only slightly less toxic than nuclear waste or hexavalent chromium (look that up Orica plant neighbours or Erin Brockovitch deniers) – namely supermarket products that boast they can remove soap scum with NO SCRUBBING.

This is complete and utter bullshit.  No such substance exists nowadays.  Go ahead, scrub your arms off, disappointed punters.  Then check yourself into the respiratory department of the local hospital until you grow some lung lining back.

I think, as an act of faith, that if civilisation can invent soap, designed to get rid of dirt, it behoves an industry the size of six or seven Greek economies, sorry, make that nine Greek economies by the time you’ve finished this sentence, to invent a substance to get rid of soap and dirt – or scum to you.

Now, I recall in my salad days there used to be a substance that was supposed to be really good for this purpose.  By accident, the manufacturers or their advertisers discovered that the water softener “Calgon” was an ace remover of soap scum build up in washing machines.

Which is why you can’t find it on the supermarket shelves any more.  Too convenient, I suppose.  Too effective and likely to prevent the sale of a humungous mountain of ersatz soap removers.

So I googled “Calgon” and found a plethora of Wiki info, including stuff like it was invented in 1933, and the formula was changed so that the phosphates didn’t screw up wastewater treatments, probably completely neutering the product, but the only answer to “Wheredoyagettit?” was a five year old reference to Tesco selling it in the home of hard water – namely the UK.

But cop this, lucky punters, the Pig’s Arms research department (ever on the lookout for cleaning products that will enhance the flavour of Trotter’s Ale) have found a Calgon supplier in St Kilda Melbourne.  Get right over there, Ato…..

And they have “companion products for ladies” – including “Morning Glory Shower Gel” – a snip at $5.47 – postage and handling $13.53 (I kid you not).  I thought morning glory was one of Brkon’s responsibilities – but there you go.

In case you think this is a bit limited, they can offer you “Hawaiian Ginger Body Mist” and “AHH Spa Intensive Tropics Body Scrub”.  Where would we be without  marketing boffins ?

Wait !  Did you just read the word “scrub” ?  Oh my, my, my.  The decline of product effectiveness.  Right here.  Right before your eyes.  I’m sorry to report, folks that it falls to us to remain nose to the Mondrian Brothers’ tiles, scrubbers to the individual.

Footnote:  Come on.  No fibbing.  How many of us thought this piece was about Rupert Murdoch, Gina Rhinegold, Twiggy Forrest or Tony Abbott ?   I thought so.