It was not a choice the old man wanted to make, but the child stayed at school and met his obligations to complete another deskbound year indoors. The old man knew that the aquarium had to be purchased and he and the young boy made the arduous trek to FiveDock and acquired through the exchange of money and knowing looks, one 75 litre tank, light, filter, heater, flat box stand, some water plants and two or three plastic bags of washed quartz gravel.
He loaded the burden in the back of his old Subaru cart and set off some five kilometres to his house on the road that bordered the golf course. The man was poor and could only afford to live on the side of the road that did not back onto the links.
He set the tank in the corner of the old man’s family room. It was filled with surprisingly alkaline tap water. The old man added water ager to remove the chlorine he knew would be toxic to the fish – peeling off their slime coats and allowing the dreaded fin rot to take hold. He added a few caps-full of cloudy liquid alleged by the aquarium keeper to contain the bacteria necessary to turn fish waste nitrites into plant food nitrates.
The old man balanced the pH, sat down heavily in his Jason Recliner, carefully unscrewed the top from a stubbie of Boag’s Light beer and surveyed his handiwork with some small amount of pride.
They would wait a week for the tank to settle down, the plants to adjust to their new environment and they would take the time to survey the catalogue of tropical fish exotica to satisfy the boy’s insatiable and transient thirst for the novel.
The old man had been here before in his own youth. He knew the mysteries of domestic recreational aquaculture and he felt in the pit of his stomach the anticipated dread of sharing his family room with the life and death struggle about to overtake their lives. The boy scanned the catalogue and selected his fish. The old man fingered where his beard had been and began to plan his escape.
The boy wanted more fish than could fit in the confines of 75 litres, less room for gravel, plants, the heater and a late purchase of a Halong Bay style polymer rock intended to offer sanctuary for the weaker fish who were about to dance the dance of the liquid jungle. Death in the afternoon.
The old man encouraged the boy to consider smaller fish with bright colours, to allow them to school in the confines of the tank. The boy insisted on variety of shape and form. Across the old man’s weather beaten face flickered a look of knowing apprehension.
They agreed that a couple of Bronze Catfish would provide the colony with a useful garbage collection service. The boy compromised on small schools of Neon Tetras and, Zebra Danios. The old man allowed a few Swords and a pair of Gouramis. The boy agreed to a few Mollies and Guppies.
The fish were introduced into the tank in the time-honoured way of floating the sealed plastic bags in the water to allow the temperatures to equilibrate and then the tank and bag waters were allowed to mix slowly so that the fish would not be shocked. The boy knew that the old man was wise in the ways of home aquaria since the days of his own youth.
For a moment the boy gazed as the fish began to explore the reaches of the tank, but soon he was distracted and turned his attention to the Nintendo game paying itself on the large screen LCD. That was his last engagement with the aquatic domain.
The old man grew weary of the boy’s indifference to the demands of maintaining the tank. The pH began to fall. There was the occasional dead fish to be scooped out. The algae began to cast its verdant hue over the Perspex. The old man grew restive with the boy’s indifference and confronted him one morning over a breakfast of cereal. The old man’s weather-beaten hand stirred and poked the Weetbix with low fat soy milk over sliced banana and one or two strawberries the old man had found in a plastic punnet in the fridge. He baited the boy by asking him whether he had totally lost interest in the living creatures in the family room.
“They’re fucking boring”, said the boy.”They’re all the same. Boring little fish. I want something bigger and more interesting”.
The old man was forced to admit to himself that the boy had a point. There was a sameness about the little fish that, in the absence of acute observation of the different species’ forms and behaviours, could lead the boy to that conclusion. They agreed to go back to the aquarium specialist and seek his advice.
The old man should have foreseen this as the thin edge of the wedge.
The old man acceded to the boy’s relentless demands and bought a pair of Angel Fish. Not an exact pair. The male was slightly bigger than the female.
The Angels were larger than all the other fish in the home aquarium. They had a stately bearing and hovered regally about the tank, navigating like submarine sailing boats. The old man thought they had settled into their new home well.
Some days later the old man wondered whether there were as many Neons as he had purchased. He was not sure. It was difficult to tell. They were hard to count. Was there nineteen or twenty ? Was it his imagination ?

Ho Hung,
Up to Bunnings and a dozen or so of caulking compound tubes, while you are at it a gallon of creosote to brush on toillet walls, and some ant caps to lever under the piers. Get a quote for re-paint including bleed seal to cover the smoking stains. Also the re-graining of all Pig’s Arms doors. Please take the spittoon away and put up the NO-Smoking sign
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Yes Gerard, what ever you say Gerard, me just a humble servant Gerard, just here to please Gerard, grovel, grovel
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yo, and a pint of mea culpa. It’s on the house.
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Seeing as how Hung can’t say it, I suppose someone had better say it for him:
YO!
Nice story Emmjay… but it’s no fishing story…
😉
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yo Astyages, I can’t say yo anymore, I wish I could say yo, but I can’t. I long for the days that yo would freely escape my lips. Yo, no more. Yo is me no more, yo.
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Actually the answer to the child was to grab it by the the ankles and dip it into the fish tank head first and say “Can yo see the fish now?”, pricks, all of them
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Hi Mike
Aah – memories came ‘flooding’ back of our tank in the corner, the constant battle with the dreaded green algae, the ever disappearing little fish!
I heard you bumped into Joss and Alex at the San – Joss unfornately lost your mobile number. Would you email me and we will orgasnise a catch up.
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Steve, welcome
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My goodness, Hung, sometimes you are a naughty, naughty boy !
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Sorry Emmester, my best mate was Steve James, we played in heaps of bands together. He was a Mark Knolpher fan, I wasn’t, but man, he could sound just like the straits
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Nice story Emjay,
Years ago and back in Balmain I bought an enormous 500 litre tank and decided to have salt water tropical fish. The cost of running it was enormous. Just imagine keeping all that water at 28c in winter. Also, it is extremely difficult to keep nitrates and nitrites in balance as well as ph. Anyway, it started leaking and I emptied the tank and re sealed all the glass panels with silicon. In the meantime I had to keep fish alive in a bucket with filter and heater going.
I managed to do all that flawlessly but some weeks later it started leaking again. The floor and table could not have been totally level and this strained the aquarium. At the same time I read that reefs are being depleted of rare species that were being sold for huge amounts of money to tropical salt water fish aficionados.
Of course, reef coral and live anemones were also part of that trade. I stopped this hobby, gave it all away.
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GO, Van Gough would have put in an extra m in Emmjay
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These are difficult times. Have to be frugal not waste extra Ms.
Still, yo and yo.
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Loved the story Emmjay.
A few years back the Rhodes shopping centre ran a fathers day drawing competition with a prize of a fish for all of those who entered. I of course did not want pets for the cleaning, walking, maintaining etc, which of course was a sticking point with the family.
Anyway off we went to Rhodes, picture in hand. Once presented we went to collect the “free” fish. Well as you know a fish can’t live out of water, a tank was purchased with filter rocks and weed etc. So the free fish ended up costing me $98. Well the fish was lonely wasn’t it so we had to buy another and another and another. Every time we went past the pet shop we bought more paraphernalia for the fish and the other pets that followed.
Needless to say the cleaning of the tank was left to Mrs Algernon and me. Last year the last of the fish died. The tank now used for school science experiments when needed and sits empty in the laundry.
A rabbit follow but succumbed to a bug. A second hand dog from Monica’s rescue then at Drummoyne followed as well as two guinea pigs and hermit crabs.
The dish licker and a rodent still survive. No points for guessing who does most the looking after.
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Thanks. Algy. Or should I say Algae ? Lots of resonance here. Emmlet 2 worked at Monicas for the community service part of the Duke of Edinburgh Award. The same child who dudded the old man with all the cost and effort of the aquarium.
Crabs too.
Hmm….
Happy Easter BTW.
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Many years ago a mate of mine and I rented a house with a tropical fish tank in it. It was very relaxing an yes a pain to maintain the tank but relaxing.
Gee, I can’t work yo into this reply. Must be the end of daylight saving
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Morning, Hungy ! Did you get any eggs ?
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Not a single one Emmjay, must be telling to many people to FO lately
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Maybe people have been throwing eggs at you HOO !
What about putting a friendlier looking pic at Pig’s ?
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I cannot look like anyone else but me H, sorry to disappoint you, ask Warrigal, he might be able to make me look better
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Helvi, why don’t you post a recent picture of you? I mean surely this one you use is a week or two old?
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Hung one on, the pics are Gerard’s department, I don’t know how to put them on or how to take them off…
So you have to talk to him if you find this one too scary.
Still it’s been handy having the week old photo up here, some old uni friends have seen it and contacted me.
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PS. Gerard is looking at some beautiful pics of Milo, I’ll pick the friendliest shot, no snarly ones…
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H, it was nice knowing you
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I wish I could say ‘likewise’ ( for civility’s sake)
Milo will be better at barking, after all he’s male.
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Is that how you really feel H?
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At the risk of alienating you too, Hung, it’s raining shit in my world at present. I imagine that you’re having a fairly rough Trotters too.
I can really do without the Pig’s going guts up just before its first birthday. The challenge is to write with the gusto, mirth and enthusiasm we had when we opened the bar.
I really miss the contributions of Julian, atomou and Voice – but I can see why they have grown tired of fronting the bar.
Can you please help me out by continuing to write the brilliant pieces you do and by not reducing the Pig’s views per day to two – you and me – by abusing the patrons to get a rise out of them ?
We really really need to get stuck into the renovations at the Pig’s but I feel we need to renovate, not demolish.
Thanks in anticipation.
Emm
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It’s now Monday and I’m still adjusting to daylight saving.
Worked a 13 hour night shift, which was stretched to 14 hours, then the bloody consultant on Sunday morning wanted a one and a half hour handover. No wonder staff in public hospitals get a little bit tired!
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