In a shock announcement , Tarquin Tough, the new head of the NRL said that no player has been apprehended and charged by police today for:

• Drunken and disorderly behaviour;
• Possession of drugs (pharmaceutical or recreational);
• Possession of a firearm, licensed or unlicensed;
• Assault (common or sexual or aggravated);
• Grievous bodily harm;
• Possession of child pornography;
• Rape (actual or attempted);
• Murder;
• Manslaughter;
• Or showing up late for training.

Mr Tough said that several players were facing the judiciary for unspecified misdemeanours like sponsorship violations and the League was likely to impose heavy fines just to impress on fans how poor they are in comparison with their idols – the ridiculously overpaid buffoons with poor self discipline and bad attitudes towards women.

He then mumbled something about a minor ram raid on an ATM, and a holday home on the Gold  Coast.

Football journos are currently checking to see whether the season is on, or off or whether it’s April 1.  Bat Masterson of the Daily Telepathy was quoted as saying “Give them a fair go, it’s not even lunchtime yet”.