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John Malkovich wouldn't cop it for a minute
Today the Festival of Sydney Ticket sales opened. Or they are alleged to have opened.
Today I tried unsuccessfully for two hours to buy tickets to the Festival of Sydney.
Phones…. just rang through…. or gave a message that they are overloaded and to call back later.
Luckily we have the web site ….. ahahahahahaha …
So when I logged in and waited for the site to open at 9:00 – and got in the queue to buy a 5 event multi-ticket (value over $1,000 for – FM and me and a couple of our Sydney mates) at 9:02. I sat and watched my browser update every 30 seconds for OVER TWO HOURS.
Point A. Then ….. Eureka. Lucky me ! I’m in, Yay ! Click on John Malkovich – just a pic and some words. No booking. Hit continue. Can’t continue. Go back.
Point B Try JM’s second show. Aha ! Tickets. Select A Reserve. Select 2 tix. Sorry, due to overloading, please try to submit the request again.
Web cleverly forgets the class of ticket and the number wanted. Enter that again, and again and again…. No wonder the site is melting down. The design is stupid beyond belief.
So – try another show – Smoke and Mirrors at the Spiegel tent (see last year’s review at https://pigsarms.com.au/2010/02/03/not-extremely-festive-this-year-my-fault/ )
Go Back to Point A.
How about Paul Kelly ? Go Back to Point A.
“My bicycle loves you “? Go Back to Point A.
Phillip Glass ? Go Back to Point A.
Emmylou Harris ? Go Back to Point A.
Emmylou Harris again ?
OK, you’re good to go. We’ve reserved two tickets for you – for twenty minutes.
Go back to Point B No, you’ve got to be kidding. Go Back to Point A.
Time’s running out fast on the two tickets I do “have” so head for the checkout just in case.
“Sorry you can’t check out because you don’t have anything in your shopping trolley !
So I just gave up !
I can understand that the Festival is massively popular. But this is no surprise. It’s not the first festival. It’s been going for thirty or forty years for Pete’s sake. 2011 would have been our fifth in a row. And thanks to the wonders of web technology we now have a virtually unlimited array of ways to NOT go to the Sydney Festival.
Moreover, why is it impossible to scale the ticket selling websites to meet this huge spike in demand – or maybe just let people say what they want and process the orders first in, first out and get back to punters with an offer. We can seat you here ….. want it or not ?
But getting people to sit online for hours, trusting that their internet connection or browser session has not secretly gone guts up – is just bullshit.
I simply do not understand the point of festival multi-tickets. If you buy for three events, you are supposed to get a 10% discount and for 5 events, a 15% discount. That is, if you can navigate the mess that is laughingly called the ticketing system. What is the point of offering discounts when the ticket lines are a mile long ? I suppose for one of the more expensive tickets, ten bucks or fifteen bucks off is a good deal – but not if you have to line up for hours to get it – maybe, maybe not.
Moreover, why the hell does the ticket office open on a Monday when many people are supposed to be at work ? What’s wrong with opening it on a Saturday – that way punters would have the whole weekend to waste, lining up.
Somebody out there does have a clue ! The Opera House Emailed us directly offering Malkotix. Snavelled two. Main event covered and looking forward to seeing him in the flesh – after the wonderful Steppenwolf production at STC a few months ago by his Chicago colleagues.
Now – anyone for Paul Kelly – the hard way ?
We are sorry. We are experiencing technical difficulties while attempting to reserve your tickets.
Click the Shopping Cart or Event Listing links above to go to the schedule to start a new order. If you continue to receive this error, please contact Customer Service or try again later.
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
One of the good things about being poor is that I never have to worry about finding tickets to concerts I can’t afford to go to anyway…
😉
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I’ll show them! I won’t go to any Festival events I can’t get tickets to, so there!
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Yeah ! Too right ! Well, we takes our festival attendance – and ourselves a bit too seriously from time to time. The relentless pursuit of fun and entertainment and nourishment for the soul. After that, Sydney is basically fucked – and if there was no beach or if the concreted over the harbour to make a car park, the place would be TOATLLY pointless.
…. now if Molong had a beach …….
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There are coarse sand and gravel terraces along the creek. Does that count?
There’s a public pool with a nice bit o’ grass and some steel umbrellas. How about that?
Otherwise it’s the garden hose in the back yard. Tank water of course.
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Sounds like the shitfight I had getting tickets to the Ashes a few years back. Priority tickets this time.
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Oh, ISN’T Life Tough?!
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Mike, what did you say after yo
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There is nothing that can be said after “yo”, Hung. Except possibly another “yo”.
Life’s ups and downs.
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G’day, HOO.
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Howdy dude dee do do shoe
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yo to yo all!
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Mike Jones (your names sound like the beginning of a song), the general artifical intelligence that runs most of the points of business is defective in Australia. By which I am not referring to IT. I have been crying out loud (fr crying out loud!) in every and any business transaction I attempt of any moment and sadly, if the amount was a dole recipient’s eagerly saved $200.00 for the hotel booking and the wonderful local show for an FM and a friend, it is the same sad effect and result… including an attempt was made to ROB me after the transaction when I achieved a few weeks ago what you have tried to… GO OUT TO SEE SOME STUFF AND RELAX!
I was able to see it coming as it was done in front of me with my credit card, but after! a’ that mate on a telephone and/or website… the general condition of access to ‘culture’ tho’ across the board! Pffft!
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I have been laughing at Lehan’s excuses too, right after this post I’ll organise the garage so I don’t have to cook…
Anyhow Gez loves cooking, and like organizing garage shelves.
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I love John Malkovich, I am over-joyed just see him in a movie…he’s always good 🙂
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I did just that the other weekend – saw Red. He was excellent (can I shoot him now?).
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There there………. come to Albury where all our little festivals are free and there is a gay one in Yackandandah too. All free and live and outdoors most of the time. Not quite the same thing but no hassles.
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Yes. See emmjay? You can afford the accomodation at Yackandandah now. It’s a good thing.
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No need to crash on Vivienne’s couch. You can afford a Caravan Park.
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Probably have enough for a Clucky Chicken Sizzler Six Box. With coleslaw and beetroot salad.
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Do they have a Clucky Chicken at Yackandandah Vivienne? Emmjay probably ought to check first. Before he makes that booking.
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Pretty sure they don’t (I’ve never heard of Clucky Chicken – definitely no KFC there) – Yackandandah has two pubs with good food and the Sticky Tart cafe has very good tucker, freshly cooked and very reasonable price. They have a new and excellent health food shop which also caters to gluten free shoppers. The lovely gay guys who run the Festival also operate a store in the main street which has a bit of a Nimbin feel to it.
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…and the best, commercially available jam in the country.
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Jam. Any more excuses, emmjay, why you can’t make it to that Yackandandah festival because they Sydney festival clashes with it?
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You don’t think you’re getting a little obsessed with that inner-city SYDNEY culture scene do you? Yackandandah. Very local. Very friendly.
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If it’s Big City Culture and Dinner Shows you’re after and you still can’t get those Festival Tickets, why not find out the price of a P&O Cruise to Melbourne? The reasonable price might suprise you. And they probably have Table Tennis, which is great for 4.
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Oh well. You got a nice picture from the ticketing site. That’s something.
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There. Bali plane tickets. $399. One of your mates will have to stay home though.
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Probably as much chance of getting a John Malkovich ticket as getting rabies.
In Sydney.
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I suspect that rabies is rife at Unleashed. DID manage to get just two Malkovich tickets. Directly from the Op House. Nothing else seems to be working.
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What I wanna know is why you’re not lining up to get tickets to Oprah.
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It just seems inexplicable to me.
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CLEARLY you’ve got a chance there. And maybe there’ll be a ticket to America under your seat?
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HAH! Didn’t think of THAT, did you?
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Probably a ticket to New York, with optional Malkovich Dinner Show. And now you’ve missed it.
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HAH!
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Sometimes, Lehan, you’re bloody hilarious!
You’ve got me weeing in my panties, now!
I hope I can stop soon, before Mrs Ato turns up from work, or I’ll be wearing incontinence panties from now on!
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BYO Rolls Royce jet engine!
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Yes, now there is such trouble with the engines, we’ll have to have John Travolta captaining the P&O Cruise Ship. With Oprah and her american audience, and the new australian audience, emmjay and co included, all cosily ensconsed in the ballroom watching John Malkevich movies for six weeks. Bingo, singalongs, pingpong tournaments.
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With the little portholes all curtained to reduce the incidence of sea sickness.
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All of you waving your little Rabies vaccination certificates around whenever you want to get off the boat for a port call of souvenir shops.
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Aloha. It’s Hawaii, it must be flower dance. Oh look, the TV crew have brought round the sarongs and plastic flowers.
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You could order a really really expensive meal to be delivered and buy lots and lots of champagne and get some videos from the rental shop They have Paul Kelly videos there don’t they? And you’d still have some money left over to stake out icebergs for lunch the next day; surely they’ll both be there, John and Paul, having lunch at different tables, ignoring each other.
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If you know anyone who works at the Sydney Festival you could invite them along too, buy them lunch if you have to, and sure enough they’ll strike up a conversation. And then you can ask for their autographs.
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And then the next time you want to see them you should fly to New York, or somewhere where people don’t really care so much if they see them or not, and probably it’ll be easy to get a ticket.
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And then with the spare change you could take some of the Sydney Festival bigwigs out for drinks over the next year. Cause they’ve given all the best tickets away already, to their mates.
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Festivals. Pah.
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(I’ve just had a flu needle. Cranky.)
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You do remember that if you manage to get one of them tickets there’ll be a billion other cranky people there queueing up to get in? Awful.
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I went and got a flu shot so I would have an excuse not to clean the kitchen. I don’t want to clean the kitchen. I don’t feel well.
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Must remember that one – brilliant.
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I think it only works if you are making those excuses to yourself, Vivienne.
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Exactly. It works for me for quite a while.
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But I could have PAID someone to do it with the money I just spent on that flu shot. But no, the shame, the squalor. I asked the cats to do something about it while I had a nap. They spent the entire afternoon mucking up. There is no discipline, no teamwork in this house. If we go to the dogs it can only be a good thing.
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It’s awful. The kittens have never mind.
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I was HOPING it would be crowded so I could get irritated and make an excuse and leave. But no, they were trying to whisk me in the door before the checklist of all possible side effects was even finished.
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I was hoping to find an Adverse Effect on that checklist that might have me hospitalised for a few days. That’s how bad the kitchen is.
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MUCH worse than yesterday.
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Yesterday I carried in a truckload of firewood to avoid it.
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I’ll come over and help you tomorrow, Lehan. How’s that?
I use excuses like these to stay away from the translations and emails. Doesn’t work for too long though!
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Yes atomou. What I need is an excuse. Something I really don’t want to do. Then that kitchen will be a cinch. I just haven’t thought of anything worse yet.
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There is still some firewood to carry in. But not enough, if I do that there’ll still be time to do the kitchen. So I don’t want to finish that either. And then I’m in the middle of giving a haircut to the giant poodle, there’s fluff everywhere, it’s terrible. The firewood man came just before to check that I was lighting fires properly (I wasn’t), and I was embarrassed.
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I really don’t think I’m ready for new floors yet. I’m just going to wreck the new ones. I’m having new floor anxiety.
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I thought I might try some Anti-Depressant medication, see if that didn’t make me sleepy.
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The cigarettes don’t seem to be helping, the coffee is too weak. I thought boiled egg on toast might help. The Animal Doctor said people in Hokkaido need to drink more milk and eat more eggs. That’s where I get my health advice.
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The cats got needles. They didn’t seem to mind. I just thought it might be a good idea.
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They haven’t so much as looked at the kitchen since we got home. Sleeping.
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Armloads of truckloads of firewood, flu shots, animalia, emotion, personality, education, new floor anxiety, quips … I will get back to the Festival tickets after I say you are an entertainment and do not fret about the kitchen (you must be not too well!). While I remember it too, Lehan, I ADORE the Pink Drink opus. I reckon it is the BEST one you have ever done that I have seen (I have been cruising through your blog since whenever.)
I especially understand new floor anxiety. (Get well, get well, get well, taking it all in, just don’t get a chance to get around all comment, but read the lot. Will try harder.)
🙂
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Thanks Sandshoe. I reckon that painting should be touching down on Australian soil any minute now. I mailed it to youse on Friday.
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They work on weekends, the Central Hakodate Post Office.
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‘The Pink Drink’ coming to the Arms? Wow!
🙂
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Thinking I had to get a fix and couldn’t wait for Ramsay’s ‘The Pink Drink’ I went to the NGV today for sometime… National Gallery of Victoria… must say I missed you there Lehan and asked after a few other waterhole friends’ work at the Information desk as well. 😉
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