Foodge woke surrounded by tenebrous gloom. His initial impression was that he had been buried alive! Two facts argued against that; One, he was face down, and Two he could smell leather, sweat and a faint scent of lavender. The sound of a high-speed electric motor cut through the silence. He was now quite sure that he wasn’t underground, as he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to hear much underground. He tried to move, but the crick in his neck and pins and needles in his arms prevented any activity. He tried to call out, but his dry throat, and the fact that his face was pushed into the surface on which he lay, prevented more than a plaintive. “elp….ay…agh!” The stomp of heavy footsteps had Foodge’s highly trained musculature ready for action. He was suddenly blinded by sunlight as a heavy blanket was jerked back from his face. Foodge clenched his eyes shut, ready for whatever torture his abductor had prepared.
“What the f$*&.” Merv exclaimed, sweat running down his face (he had just returned from his morning gym session). “I thought that Fern and Emmjay took you home!” Merv was assisted by young Wes to slowly get the hapless detective up from the chesterfield, onto his feet and gently ambulate him out of the Ladies Lounge, and into the Main Bar.
“Someone must’ve slipped me a Mickey Finn.” Foodge surmised, based on his amnesia and throbbing headache.
“Mickey Finn!” Merv laughed.” How about eight bottles of our best Porphyry Pearl between you, Fern, Emmjay an’ Effemm?” A bowl of Granny’s wedges appeared on the bar next to a pint of Trotter’s Best. “Get these into yer guts, son, that’ll fix you up!”
Foodge was onto his third pint before he started to feel human. Merv went about his publican duties, which seemed to involve a lot of restocking, straightening of bar stools and disposing of broken glasses. It all started to come back to him. He had, in promise to his solicitor decided to sack Fern, but, lacking the guts to do so by himself, brought Emmjay and his First Mate to provide support over a couple of drinks.
The sacking had been a disaster. As sackings go, the only worst sacking in history was the sacking of Gough Whitlam. Fern had reacted badly to the news, and fled to the Ladies, knocking over two pints of Trotter’s Best and a bowl of wedges in the process. Foodge sat there dumbly hoping that Effemm would leap into the fray, or, rather the Ladies, and provide succour to the young woman. She didn’t move. Nor did Emmjay, except for an almost imperceptible sideways movement of his eyes, which Foodge took to mean that it was his responsibility to comfort Fern.
Foodge had never been to the Ladies, and was surprised to learn that it was a fairly spacious, clean and well appointed and maintained area. It wasn’t hard to work out which cubicle held young Fern, the sobs could be heard out in the bar. Meanwhile, Emmjay and Effemm were laying bets as to how many minutes it would take Fern to wheedle her way back into Foodge’s employ. Effemm won: seven minutes had elapsed before the pair returned and Foodge announced that, whilst it was true that Fern had been dismissed as secretary, she had been re-employed as Office Manager. He also announced that there was a new phase in Foodge’s operations, which would involve computers, mobile phones, digital cameras, and so on. Emmjay, who was a fairly canny fellow and couldn’t let the opportunity go by, offered his services as I.T. Consultant and Network Engineer (whatever those jobs entailed).
This, of course, meant that the ‘afternoon drinks/sacking’ had become a party to mark two new positions in Foodge’s company. Foodge called for ‘bubbly’ and Merv obliged with Porphyry Pearl. Foodge demanded food, and Granny cooked wedges, with sour cream and sweet chilli sauce. Foodge wanted music, and, unfortunately the jukebox was stuck on ‘A Summer Holiday’, which repeated over and over. I guess you can’t have ‘em all.
“Well”. Foodge thought out loud. “Here’s to the Pigs Arms and all those who imbibe in her. May her Best Bitter stay bitter, and her Pink Drinks stay sickly sweet!”
“What was that, Foodge.” Merv’s bulbous head popped up from behind the bar. “Wannanuther drink?”
“Nothing, Merv. Yes, why not?” Foodge grinned as he tipped his Fedora back from his forehead.
Sandshoe said:
Foodge is a wonderful character… he who came into the lives of the patrons of the Arms when emmjay as I recall had sent him on the local train and was it Merv picked him up at the station. Everybody had expected a waif and he came full grown? I love knolwing Foodge even if I have been known to take the mickey. Does he still drink Milo and leave the spoon and evidence of his gourmandising on it? Seems he has grown into the culture at the bar with the same gusto. 🙂
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Big M said:
Sandshoe, Foodge is mainly the responsibility of the Emmjay household, but does travel on the train (the oxymoronically named ‘Newcastle Flyer) to stay with the M family. Yes, we thought we were getting a small waif needing our care, and in walked Foodge, replete with Fedora, suit and brogues. He’s always welcome, but Mrs M does get a wee bit frustrated if I spend too much time with him. Foodge is highly intelligent, well educated, polite and very proper. he’s a delight to have stay.
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Vectis Lad said:
Who was Gough Whitlam? I know that he was famous, but can’t recall what he did, or indeed what instrument he played.
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Hung One On said:
Could run rings around Tony
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Anonymously Joking said:
I’m guessing that all those toilet rolls, are for any hapless pigs’ patron that ate the (mythical) granny’s wedges?
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gerard oosterman said:
I once had the pleasure of meeting Gunter Prass who is/was a winemaker imported from Germany and responsible for the introduction of Barossa Pearl back in 1956. It caused a revolution in Australia whereby drinking ‘plonk’ was mainly reserved for poofters and winos with a small sprinkling of ladies from Double Bay with dubious ‘Mittle Europese’ backgrounds.
This from Wiki:
Guenter Prass, who became renowned both as winemaker and Managing Director of Orlando. He also maintained the earliest tradition, migrating from Germany and bringing with him a wine background and extensive experience with the company in the forefront of producing the equipment which was changing winemaking forever. After various samples had been tested Barossa Pearl was released on November 5, 1956. Orlando could not have chosen better than Guy Fawkes’ Day because Barossa Pearl went off like a rocket. Guenter Prass later recalled that what was originally sought was a light, delicate, fruity sparkling wine with a clean, lingering finish which was not cloying. Specifications were met exactly. Australia’s first naturally sweetened, effervescent wine, fruit of technology, made friends everywhere it went on sale.
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Hung One On said:
A lot of German connections in wine making in SA Gez, Wolf Blass is one of my favourites
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Astyages said:
Yeah, Hung… the way he bend his roller around a stobie pole was sheer class!
😉
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gerard oosterman said:
Funny and humorous BigM. Well told and I love the way you describe the people and scene inside the Pigs Arms. That slippery Fern managed to get back again. Lots of words in good order.
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H said:
That must have been some party, the jukebox stuck on ‘A Summer Holiday, wedges with sour cream AND sweet chili sauce, from Aldi no doubt…
So glad I missed that one…laughing out loud now.
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Hung One On said:
Porphyry Pearl, Oh my Gordon ! 🙂
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Big M said:
Yes, Sister HOO, Foodge spares no expense…
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Hung One On said:
What about some Cold Duck? Spewwww
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Big M said:
Cold Duck, is that a cousin of Blue Nun?
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gerard oosterman said:
‘Barossa Pearl’, or are you all too young for that little beverage.
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Algernon said:
Ben Enn anyone
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Emmjay said:
The last few grey cells I have going, Algy warm to “Ben Ean” Moselle, but I do remember a certain childhood fondness for sneaking a few sips of the mater and pater’s Porphry Pearl or Lindeman’s Sparkling Starwine. When I was old enough to drink legally, I was way more sophisticated than that. I was Mateus Rose or Black Tower Riesling man. Later I took a shine to Watervale Late Picked Rhine Riesling. Such a sweet tooth and a not too foul desert wine. Pity I drank it as a main 🙂
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Hung One On said:
Yes I remember Black Tower, what about Liebfrasmilch or however you spell it
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Hung One On said:
Do they still make it?
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Big M said:
Ben Ean was a favourite of my mum’s, at about the same time that she started going in for sophisticated foods, such as well salted eggplant!
I seem to remember all of the above mentioned drinks.
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H said:
…not just salted, but WELL salted !
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Hung One On said:
To salt or not to salt, now I’m confused
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Warrigal said:
….and “Bosca” asti spumante. The bottles were just right for sticking a candle in and getting that beatnik candle in a bottle look going, with all the multi-coloured melted wax running down the side of the bottle, and onto the carpet, the mantel piece, the hearth, top of the telly, radiogram, (cor, that dates it), indeed any flat surface.
My mum had a thing for Bosca asti spumante. She liked to drink it from Antoinette champagne glasses and dance, solo, to the Everley Brothers.
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Hung One On said:
We used to call it Spew mante
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Emmjay said:
Waz, this is such a wonderful word picture. Many thanks.
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H said:
Hung, I think it’s Liebfraumilch…and Liebfrauenmilch.
Did you notice that one of your replies to me on MTR blog has disappeared.
Weird, as all you said: H,you tell them!
Was it there, or am I dreaming? 🙂
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Hung One On said:
Yes I did say that H but interestingly the Father O’Way beanie got up, just don’t understand aunty any more, oh and thanks for the spelling of that wine, from memory it was very nice 🙂
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Hung One On said:
Yes definitely gone 😦
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sandshoe said:
The Brown brothers-somebody’s brothers, anyHOO-made a spaetlese and an auschlese. I am pushing the spelling and might have ’em in the bag. My memory of both was they were rich, but think the second was like drinking a plum pudding.
I recall those sweet plonks discussed above … 😉
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Emmjay said:
Classic line ‘Shoe – like drinking a plum pudding !. LOL !
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Sandshoe said:
Truly it was emmjay. The flavour hit my palate like a sodden classic pud done in a cloth. Think of it with humour often. I reckon my eyes were wide like the kid’s that eyeballed the sixpence in their serve. Honest. 🙂
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Big M said:
‘shoe, BB still make a Crouchen and Reisling, sickly sweet, undrinkable….until that dessert hits the palate, then…heavenly!
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H said:
Hung, how silly, I often say that to someone with whom I agree, and the mods allow it.
Someone alerted the mods for some unexplainable reason, and they took your post out…
The only time I alerted the mods when someone was posting under Helvi.
Another time I tried to do it when somebody called a poster an idiot, it did not work, but luckily more people must have found it offensive and the post was deleted.
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Hung One On said:
Yes Helvi, I was really agreeing with what you were saying, don’t set to many glass ceilings etc.
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