Story by Neville Cole

Editor’s Note:  This piece carries a special spelling and grammar warning for grammarians.  You know who you are….

A while back I was looking to hire some writers. I posted a notice on Monster.com clearly stating that the work would be writing educational video scripts for the Elementary Education market.

I always request a cover letter in addition to a resume as history has shown that having someone write about themselves can be very telling.

 NOTE: These excerpts were all copied and pasted directly from the responses I received. Only names and any specific details have been removed

One candidate made a most interesting offer.

I am interested in applying for the writing position I found advertised on Monster.com. I craft short erotic stories on a regular basis and cater to an online fanbase of about 2000. I am unsure how to include writing samples, as monster.com allows only a cover letter and resume. Could you contact me with a way to send some to you?

One sent as a sample that was definitely not at grade level.

They still had a great sex life despite of or maybe because of, his extreme efficiency. Once, afterwards, she said “you just fucked me like a machine, like the pistons of some engine.” This side of her surprised him, and he was ashamed of how turned on it got him. He couldn’t count the number of times he had used that memory to masturbate in the on-site porta-Johnny.

One was very friendly but had never heard of spell-check.

Hello I was browsing monster.com for a few moments, intisipating more work fullfilment. I came across your enthusiactic job posting. I am totally determined, eager, motivated and motivating, just a come together type of person to accomplish goals of success. Success is what I live for in everything I do. I also enjoy knowing company peers encourage each other to succeed.(This would be an awesome place to work for.) I would encourage you to believe in the words I speak and give me consideration. Yes! I want to be part of a properous business work place, to contribute to making your great company greater. I am ready to pick up the baton and go! and hold a position in a company or corporation I can believe in. Over all Dear one, here’s your candidate look no further. Enough about me, I would love to here more about this company I am eager to work for, for any questions or offers,(smile) feel free to call or reply.

One proposed a philosophical argument:

I may not have professional writing experience, but I do have a writing intensive degree. A philosophy degree is at its essence a degree in logical exposition, or writing in a detailed and concise manner that follows an argument. Educational writing is a cousin of logical exposition, or as some call it legal writing. I think that the type of writing that your company is seeking is a type of writing that will come very naturally to someone of my educational background. The reason that all this is an advantage to you is that I come cheap.

One described how her previous job was brought to a dramatic end:

I have served for seven months as Contract Administrator for the valley’s largest towing company. Unfortunately, we suffered a corporate take over and my position was abolished.

One spoke very highly of himself:

Although you will find I maybe be over qualified for the position for which I make application, I bring many skills which I will fully share to benefit the entire organization. Though my resume is quite detailed, it cannot fully profile the manner in which I have been successful. This can only be accomplished in a face-to-face meeting where we can exchange information, get to know one-another and examine whether there might be an employment opportunity that has mutual interest. Thank you for your time; I look forward to meeting with you soon.

One had impressionable skills, a good work ethnic, and an ablility to arrange words in an almost random order:

OBJECTIVE: An opportunity to utilizes my impressionable writing skills to further my personal and professional growth within the writing industry. Description of my perfect job: A company that has a good work ethnic and provides an outstanding way of communicating their mission objective. Wrote the book Corporate America: an exceptional investigation of the working relations with fellow colleagues successfully. A creative observation into corporate politics in the pursuit of succeeding the trials and tribulations. Beginning with our attitudes that are crucial to surviving the journey, the book outlines pertinent questions that are answered by CEO’s, managers, and non-salaried employees to overcome pitfalls in corporate America. The book presents an exceptional investigation of the working relations with fellow colleagues in a successful and fulfilling approach. Develop and wrote the course for the Joy of Reading. Concentration was made on the curriculum development for a friendly atmosphere thru out the different stages of the course. Providing weekly content for the promotion of his book, monitoring the message boards, proofread and verifies related links t o post on his site. Post bulletins in the literary world, polls, moderate the forum, and plan events. A book reviewer and write profile articles on prominent business owners. Certified professional writer was achieved with this course that provides an individual the elements of the publishing industry. Recognizing the differences between staff-written and freelance articles, explaining the process of submitting a professional manuscript and listing the various freelance markets by describing the types of writing appropriate to each. In addition, the course has extensive writing assignments in ever genre. I currently have written five fiction novels, two non-fiction novels as well done book reviews. I have written computer technical and women issues articles and I can do proposal writing. In addition, I developed and is the existing Editor of the Aetna African-American Employee Network. My passion is writing and I can focus on any agenda a company wish to accomplish. I look forward to hearing from you regarding future assignments.

I passed on all these candidates and I have not tried to hire writers on Monster.com since.