Hear us, Oh Merv.

When Hedgie comes into your garden,

Smote him not because he meaneths no harm.

Take him unto your bosom and give to him the

Bailey’s of human kindness.

 

On ice.

For unto Hedgie a great burden has been visited.

He is a compulsive trimmer of the bush,

And he knoweth not the restraint.

 

After all, our Merv,

The difference between a seriously rogered hedge and a decorative border

Is about two weeks.

 

So long as Glenda and the girls at the Pig’s Legs Waxing and Beauty Salon

Receiveth not any crazy ideas of a similar ilk,

Fear not.

 

Your sideburns are safe in the trusted hands of herself.

 

And ever shall you enjoy tonsorial delight.

 

And the patrons de la palais de porc saw that Merv was happy

And the Bailey’s of human kindness flowed.

 

On ice, as it is in Antarctica

(And the backstreets of Kings Cross).