By our Medical Interpreter in the Sports Bar

I read a piece over at the ABC the other day by a reporter I usually trust – Sophie Scott.

The report was that some research dudes have discovered two genes that predispose people to melanoma – as we know – a fairly dangerous and hard to treat if it gets away – kind of cancer.

These genes increase a person’s risk of death from melanoma before age 85 by a whopping 250 percent.  Jesus – we’re all goners – rush right out and get your DNA screened – and bloody stay indoors until you get the all clear.  This means all the Pig’s Arms patrons who live north of Mawson’s Base.

But then I started to wonder what percentage of people in Australia actually get melanoma.  Answer:  Men – 1:15.  Women – 1:24.

Since men live on average now to just 79, I reckon I’d be pleased to fall off the perch from melanoma when I was 85 – man, that’s 6 years over the odds.  Women who live – on average until the age of 84, don’t get such a good deal, obviously.

But the reality is that something else is more than likely going to get you before the big M (sorry, Big M).

Another way to play with the stats is to suggest that amongst the dudes who have these dodgy genes, (and we don’t know who you are – so please drop by the Pig’s Arms and we’ll give you a protective Trotter’s Ale (this protects you by keeping you indoors indefinitely)). (Voice – notice the perfectly balanced parentheses !) The risk of you getting the Big M (not OUR Big M – the other Big M), rises from 7% to 17% for blokes .  Have another Trotter’s Ale.

And for the ladies your insignificant risk of 4% rises to 10% – so if I was you, I’d definitely have another Pink Drink.  Slip slap and slop – but not so much that you don’t have enough Vitamin D – and get ricketts  or osteo or whatever bone things that a lack of Vit D causes.

While we’re talking about drinking, there are heaps of other risks that impact the likelihood that you’ll be pushing up parrots due to melanoma –  apart from two dodgy genes that you may or may not have.  These include things like whether you have red hair and that kind of Celtic skin that freckles up and burns rather than tans, whether you have more moles than Wind in the Willows, whether you smoke (in which case you shouldn’t waste time reading this article) and whether you drink inferior beverages to excess.

It really matters whether your melanoma (in the event that you do get one) is diagnosed and removed while it is a stage 1 codger.  If the hackers dismiss it before it spreads to the nearest lymph node, you’re in comparatively good shape.  If it’s in the first node and they remove that too, your odds don’t look so flash. but are still worth a decent punt.  Beyond that it’s pretty touch and go.

So if you see anything suss, – or more likely, your partner – who is very used to giving you one of those rather extensive all over caresses, spots something untoward,  it’s far better to risk being accused by your GP of being a big wuss, than it is to tough it out and ignore it.

There is no evidence of a causative link between melanoma and wedges – with or without sour cream and sweet chilli sauce.

Oh dear, I’ve come over all thirsty again.