By Gregor Stronach

Things are slow in the world of Gregor at the moment, so I figured I’d take the time to be nice and publicly answer some of the fan mail I’ve received. This serves a number of purposes. Firstly, it allows me to appear to care about the folks that take the time to write to me. Secondly, it allows me to pamper my ego by slyly suggesting to you all that I do, indeed, receive fan mail. Last, but not least, it’s just another forum in which I can make fun of you all where you have no right of reply. Everyone’s a winner…

I get some freaky mail. It’s seriously unusual stuff, most of it, which concerns me a little. Is it me, my writing style or a combination of both that attracts the unhinged, the desperate and the lonely?

Unfortunately, most of the letters I receive come anonymously – they’re sent through the author’s bio page, a link to which appears below. It’s infinitely easier for me to make disparaging remarks about you when you include your email address, so be sure to do so if you require a rude or amusing reply.

Otherwise, you’ll end up being quoted in public, like the following people. Where possible, I’ve included the name of the article to which the sender was referring in their message. This is for my own peace of mind. Without this reference, these letters make no sense whatsoever, something I find confusing and vaguely disturbing.

(A little knowledge, R&M, Dec 7th, 2002)
Dear Gregor,
By some strange synchronicity my husband Chris Stronach, also of Australia, has been taking some recent interest in reptilian uberlords of the fourth dimension. Are you and he one and the same? You must surely be related.

I’m not related to your husband in any way, but I would suggest you get your hubby along to a shrink quick-smart. Sure, they’ll test him and probe him and make him perform embarrassing procedures, but the more he talks about the lizards, the more likely it is they’ll abduct him and eat his eyeballs. It’s for his own good.

(God’s Diaires, R&M, Jan 24th, 2003)
Dear Gregor,
I’d like an interview with God, if you please. I’m with Modern Gods magazine, and I want to talk with him about his new book.

Ahhh… I see what you’re doing there. Very clever. But, to quote someone whom I respect quite a lot, “This joke only works when one of us is telling it.” Thanks for your letter though.

(Narcisse Vol II, R&M, Jan 10th, 2003)
Dear Gregor,
Do you have any idea how close your words reflect the deffinition of a Missanthropic Megalomaniac? (Human hater with big ego..) Just so you know, Missanthropes of that sort are more dangerous then Psychpaths (no natural understanding of right and wrong) because they think they are ABOVE right and wrong,. and feel disconnected from people. You are a scary mofo.

Aside from the horrible spelling and the fact that you’ve completely missed the point of the article, that’s a wonderful letter. What was it about that piece that made you think that I was really like that? I feel a little bit like James Woods, always on the search for credibility in his acting roles… but to have someone believe that I am truly like that warms my heart – it means that someone, somewhere, is even more stupid than I am.

(A little knowledge, R&M, Dec 7th, 2002)
Dear Gregor
roaarrrr
Hisssssss
Lizzzzaaaarrrddssssss
Hisssssss?

You’ve no idea how much this one freaked me out for some reason – the first overtly sibilant email I’d ever received and truth be told it scared me silly. Mind you, it was very early in the morning, I hadn’t had my coffee yet, and the mere thought of lizards that can type is enough to give me the willies at the best of times.

(Performance Review: The Four Horsemen, R&M, Dec 26th, 2002)
Dear Gregor
You rock 🙂

Admittedly this letter did come from my sister in Milwaukee, but everyone has the right to feel loved, do they not?

(The True Spirit of Christmas, R&M, Dec 1st, 2002)
Dear Gregor,
Do you still believe in Santa Claus? What ever happened to Mike Butler? And can you tell me if the Easter Bunny is involved?

Sheesh – no, I don’t believe in Santa Claus. I stopped believing in Santa Claus months ago. Mike Butler is now serving time in a maximum security prison for his part in the conspiracy. He also stole several motor vehicles and injured himself fleeing from the police. He’ll be eligible for parole in 19 years. And yes – the Easter Bunny is involved. Very involved. Hence, I don’t have the time to go into it here.

The following letter arrived with no apparent source of inspiration. I have a feeling that one of my workmates has also discovered this wonderful site. This could have something to do with the fact that I frequently walk to their desks and stand over them, pestering them until they log in and read every word of my latest article. I’m so vain.

Dear Gregor,
I’m going to the coke machine. They’ve only got vanilla coke left, just checking if you want one. And isn’t it funny how normal coke has now suddenly become a tough man’s drink. It used to be “a girl’s drink” but now with new “poofter coke” on the market hetero hard cases can now order a tinnie of black gold without fear of anyone questioning their sexuality. Anyway let me know if you’re thirsty and I’ll come over.

It was during a conversation with this person that the concept of ‘The Official Drink of the 2002 Gay Games’ was discussed. We settled on the idea that ‘Vanilla Coke’ would be the perfect candidate, but closer inspection and a moderate amount of investigative journalism found that the official drink was, in fact, semen.

I really enjoy hearing from you all (even the complete lunatics). So send me messages, the more the merrier. I love writing for the Pig’s Arms, as it’s entertaining for you and cheap therapy for me.

I love you all.